Real Housewives of Atlanta – Season 5, Episode 1: Bye Bye With The Wind

One Sentence Summary:  Our favorite ladies of Atlanta are back… and so is Kenya.

Our Thoughts: 

Well, we didn't miss EVERYTHING.

Well, we didn’t miss EVERYTHING.

Rachel:  Wow, they really hit us in the face with new shows this week so I’m going to try and cover as many as quickly as I can. And so I’m starting with Atlanta.  I’m not going to lie, I really am interested in hearing from Porsha this season, and I say that in a WTF-Was-That-You-Poor-Thing kind of way. What a nightmare for her. I mean it’s hard enough to deal with a divorce or a break-up in private, so I cannot fathom what this has been like. What I’m less interested in this season is Kenya. Seriously, why?  Why?  Why do we have to have her on this show? I get the whole villain thing, but there has to be something redeeming about them. Nothing here. But let’s just get back into it and see how are girls are doing after the break… and Nene’s wedding.

Hermes & Prada & Tiffany, Oh My!

Looks like the gifts are pretty fabulous the second time around... Well played, Nene.  Well played.

Looks like the gifts are pretty fabulous the second time around… Well played, Nene. Well played.

Rachel:  We check back in with Nene who is opening her gifts from the wedding. And let me tell you that I need to go on a reality show and get married, because these are some gifts; including the Hermes plate from Teresa & Joe (RHONJ).  I wonder if Nene will have to return it to the collectors if the Giudices’ court date doesn’t go so well.  Nene says that she was worried about Porsha after the divorce announcement, but she seemed okay at the wedding. Apparently, if you’re out on the dance floor and dropping it like it’s hot, nothing can be wrong. But she does think that Kordell has done a lot of damage and not everyone can work out their issues.  Uh yeah, he let Porsha know he was filing for divorce on Twitter.  You don’t come back from that issue. Granted, Greg came back from calling Nene a gold digger on the radio so what do I know.

Making A List & Checking It Twice

But my deposition is that I want to not get divorced.

But my deposition is that I want to not get divorced.

Porsha heads to a meeting with her lawyer to talk depositions. She thinks he’ll settle and give her what she wants because he doesn’t want some of the stuff she knows public. Well, if it’s anything like that rumors that went around in Pittsburgh when he was the Steelers QB, that “stuff” would be that he likes himself the boys. But she also wants to give him the option to go to counseling with her so they can save their marriage. Hmm, all the counseling in the world isn’t going to fix that “stuff”… so maybe it’s other “stuff”. Suddenly, I’m craving Oreo Double Stuffs. Anyway…  I’m not sure why she’s even thinking of staying with the ass. I mean he told her he wasn’t thinking about divorce and then a few days later, boom, divorce filed and announced via Twitter. That’s beyond unforgivable in my world and I’m a forgiver. No, I am. I just got accused of that today. So Porsha wants to make a list of things that she needs done by Kordell. After he completes them, then they go to counseling. Does she not get what a deposition is? Oh, I want to give her such shit, but ain’t a woman out there that hasn’t fought for a relationship that was already dead. Fingers pointed right here.

Movin’ On Up

Cynthia suddenly feels a gust of crazy come blowing in her door.

Cynthia suddenly feels a gust of crazy come blowing in her door.

Why are they talking like the Bailey Agency is closing? Oh you crazy kids over at Bravo making us think she was going out of business when she’s just moving. Hi-larious… where’s my wine? Cynthia’s moving into a space Peter bought with their money but none of her input. How does he think that’s cool? It’s not like he bought a TV with their money. He bought a building. A whole building. Well, at least he didn’t tell her via Twitter… I guess there’s that.

And just when I think he’s the suckiest thing in the room, in walks Kenya. Apparently she’s been in Africa doing who know what, after getting evicted publicly. But she’s back now and hurt no one contacted her about this latest drama. Is she really surprised? And since no one reached out, she doesn’t know if she wants to come to Cynthia’s grand opening party tomorrow night. Cynthia says she’s burned some bridges and she needs to take responsibility. Kenya? Responsibility? Never. Oh and if that wasn’t enough victimization for Kenya, there’s also the matter of Nene inviting Walter to her wedding. For real? He wasn’t even a real boyfriend!  But for Kenya, it’s a matter of respect. Which is hilarious because Kenya knows zip about respect and didn’t even show up to the wedding anyway… or rsvp for that matter. This woman is a loon.


Yeah, it's crazy but that's how I roll.

Yeah, it’s crazy but that’s how I roll.

And speaking of off their rockers, Phaedra – who used to be my favorite Housewife – has moved and had a new baby, whom she refers to as Mister President because Ayden in her prince. Please tell me that’s not his ACTUAL name. I mean even if it’s a nickname it’s crazy, but if that’s on his certificate, I’m calling CPS. (OK, just looked and the kid’s name is Dylan… whew.) Phaedra’s concerned about how long construction is going to take because she has things to do, like finish school. Well, that was exciting.

Put A Ring On It 

Kandi finally gets the bedroom candy that she was really wishing for.

Kandi finally gets the bedroom candy that she was really wishing for.

So Kandi’s big news is that Todd put a ring on it.  Awesome! Big congrats from the Winey Bitches. I like them together, but I guess mom does not. She thinks he’s gold digging and is not trying to be supportive of this marriage. Wasn’t mom anti the last fiancé too? Maybe it’s mom? Kandi says she is the one that wrote “No Scrubs” for TLC, so don’t even think she’s trying to marry one. There is that. Todd thinks it’s about time Kandi sticks up for him with her mom so they can start planning their wedding. And I was about to stand up for him until he just called Kandi and the girls out for ruining Porsha’s marriage. Say what? How on earth does that even make sense?

Keep A Ring On It

I know some good pawn shops when you're ready to cash that in.

I know some good pawn shops when you’re ready to cash that in.

Nene & Porsha meet to catch up post-wedding. Nene says that texted Kenya about coming to her wedding, but she did not respond.  And yet Kenya’s mad that Nene didn’t contact her about her fake eviction. Girl is insane. Nene notices that Porsha is still wearing her wedding ring, which she says is because she still feels married. She respects her vows. Yeah, but there’s that part of the equation where he does not. Nene says Kordell is acting like a queen because he didn’t confront his wife about wanting a divorce. Yeah, well that may not be the only way he’s a acting like a queen. But Porsha is head-in-the-sand-optimistic about her list and their future. Sadly, she’s the only one that doesn’t see where this train wreck is going.

Her Kiss Is Not On His List

Porsha's mom isn't having any of Kordell's BS anymore.

Porsha’s mom isn’t having any of Kordell’s BS anymore.

So, turns out that the deposition didn’t go so well, but Porsha tells her mom & half-sister that Kordell told the truth about shit he pulled. You know, like how he locked her out of the house for getting home late. He did what? And she wants that life back? Why why why??? She tells her sister and mom that there was no explanation or real reason he could give her for wanting a divorce. Girl, I know it hurts like hell – I know it WAY too well – but you are so better off without him. I know you don’t see it right now, but you are. That guy is mean, angry & a total misogynist. And if locking her out wasn’t proof enough, turns out she had a miscarriage and Kordell only bothered to show up one time while she was in the hospital for a week. ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING? Mom told her that it might be a good idea to hold off on the babies after that. Kordell shouldn’t have been allowed to get close enough to make a baby after those shenanigans. Porsha wonders if this whole marriage was about image for him. Mom wonders what image was she providing for him? And there go the gay rumors again. Porsha says that he explained all that away before they got married, but she still thinks he needs counseling because he’s broken. Yeah, honey, when there’s that much smoke, there’s usually fire and a lot of gay porn. The bottom line is that he’s not interested anymore. Move along li’l doggie. Move along.

Party Time

When Nene looks at you like that, you better run.

When Nene looks at you like that, you better run.

Time for Cynthia’s white party and the grand opening of her new space. Everyone’s having a great time until Kenya shows up with a chip on her shoulder waiting for someone to piss her off. After she does her fake hellos, Kenya has the nerve to walk up to Porsha and ask her about her divorce. Like you give a shit. Nosey Parker in the house. But Porsha handles her deftly and sashays away. So Kenya moves on to Nene next to let her know that she’s been tormented and no one asked her if she was ok. Nene said she was going through things too – like planning a wedding – and Kenya didn’t reach out to her either. Besides, Nene doesn’t reach out on gossip. Oh, that’s a good one. Gotta tuck that into the repertoire. Kenya isn’t done though, she wants to know why Nene invited Walter to her wedding. She didn’t invite Kordell, so why would she invited Walter? Oh no, you didn’t go there. Holy different situation. I don’t know why Nene is even responding to such insanity, but she says that she wasn’t really concerned about Kenya’s happiness at her event. Point, set, match: Nene.  And with that, the tone for the season has been set.

Bottom Line:  

Rachel: Well, that was relatively tame. Thanks for breaking us in gently. But I’m sorry to see in the previews that Peter is back to his old tricks. Sigh…


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