One Sentence Summary: Manscaping, scheduled sex and burning wedding dresses; just another week in Miami.
Rachel: Well, here we are again. I know I’m supposed to fill this space with some deep thoughts about life and another week of RHOM, but the brain, she is empty. Completely and totally empty… which should make relating to this group of women easy peasy. Well, easy peasy until I am quickly reminded how painful they actually are. But Mama Elsa comes home tonight, so at least we have that to look forward to! I just hope that bump on her noggin didn’t knock the funny out of her. I’m sure, at the bare minimum, the feisty is still there. Bring it on!
Rachel: Joanna is back in Miami and has agreed to meet Frederick & Adriana for lunch, with Romain at her side. Yeah, I’m thinking there needs to be male energy present at all meetings of the minds… and I use the term “minds” loosely. Of course, Adriana is almost an hour late. How is this woman never on time? And by never, I mean never ever. Seriously, almost an hour? I’m pretty sure if you’re an hour late that makes you automatically wrong in whatever disagreement you were intending to discuss. Guilty as charged.
Finally, they show up and Adriana is wearing a hat that makes her look like she is going to the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party. It took you an extra hour to come up with that? But Joanna is willing to talk to her anyway. She tells Adriana that she has worked very hard to maintain a positive reputation in her industry and the negative tweets and comments are hurting her worse than the slap. The boys say let’s not go back. Let’s go forward. Adriana ignores them and says that she admits she did retweet something nasty about her, but only after Joanna said nasty things herself in interviews. But she apologizes, even though Joanna’s on the Lea bandwagon. Joanna says she has her own mind. Ish. Adriana feels like they can move forward and get to know each other. Joanna thinks Adriana’s apology is sincere and is willing to try to bring her into her life. Cheers to weddings and new beginnings! Let’s see how long this lasts… I’m thinking as long as it takes someone to say “bridesmaids”.
Lisa is taking care of Lenny after he had liposuction on his stomach. Seriously? I’m sorry but a dude lipo-ing his tummy is so the opposite of sexy to me. I’d rather you have a little pooch than be vain enough to have surgery to suck out the fat. Maybe that’s just me. She thinks he’s a baby because he’s still in bed. She was up and walking around 24-hours after her boobs were done. What about the other surgeries? How long did that take? You don’t think we don’t know you’ve had more than the boobs done?
All The Sage
Elsa is returning home (yay!) so Alexia & Marysol are cleaning AND cleansing her home of all negative energy. As they sage, Alexia wonders if Lea has reached out to Marysol yet. Nope. Not a call, not a text, not a flower has been sent in eight weeks. Alexia thinks this is why Lea is about to have no friends. Could be…
Pure As Peed-On Snow
Adriana and Frederick visit the church where they will be married. Adriana says that everyone has to wear white to the service so the energy can be pure. Yeah, I’m pretty sure there’s not enough white fabric in the state of Florida to purify that room. In Adriana’s mind, she’s not married until they walk down the aisle. Yeah, too bad that’s the only place you’re not married. Adriana tells the pastor about her past marriages, her son and her parents’ divorce. The latter had a great affect on her and it still hurts her. Frederick, on the other hand, didn’t know drama growing up. And then he met Adriana, the walking talking definition of drama. Godspeed, sir.
Alexia’s mom is having dinner with Peter to try and figure out why he’s been acting out. He thought his life, as a child, was normal. Little did he know that his father was a criminal. His dad told him at 14 and he knows his father did what he had to do for his family. Wait, didn’t we get told last week that a blogger called and told Peter about his dad? Color me confused. Oh well, it’s not like I don’t spend half my life in this state.
Grandma isn’t pulling any punches. Dad’s a loser and she doesn’t want Peter identifying with a loser to the point that he becomes one as well. He feels like he essentially died two years ago with the news about his father and Frankie’s accident. But you found out about your dad at 14, which is more than two years ago… Am I completely stupid or is this whole situation confusing as hell? Don’t answer. Bottom line is that Peter needs to make a life for himself. He agrees. I need to pour myself more wine.
We meet Marysol’s father as he looks at old pictures of Elsa with Marysol. Wow, Elsa was a looker! Jesus, I hope that plastic surgeon is out of business now. But Elsa and Mr. Patton, as we are introduced to him, have had a rough relationship and were on their way to a divorce after 50 years of marriage when Elsa had her accident. Why bother at this point? But it seems the knock to her noggin has made her reconsider. She wants him to stay now. That’s sweet. However, I know people at the hospital where Elsa was recovering, and now, sadly, Mr. Patton is there. Wishing him a speedy recovery.
I Want Your Sex
Romain and Joanna head to a sex therapy appointment. I cannot believe this man is letting sex therapy – and his lack of a libido – happen in front of the cameras. He says that he is busy and has a lot of stress so he’s not always in the mood. They work hard now so they don’t have to later, and it takes over their lives. Romain wants to start his day with some cuddling. Sex should be at night according to him. She thinks sex should be at any time. She admits that Romain’s not been as sexual as most men from the beginning. Romain needs more quality than quantity. He may be the only man on earth. The doctor suggests that they put a day of the week on the calendar that is a non-negotiable sex day. Then she thinks they should meet at a bar on a “blind date” where they pretend they don’t know each other. Role playing? Dear God, please make sure the cameras are rolling for that one.
Alexia and Peter head to the baseball park because it’s a place that’s special to both of them. She brings his shirt from when he was in little league, but she really brought him there to talk to him about why she kept his father’s secrets from him. She thought she was protecting him. His father was bad but he was the good that came out of it. She decided to leave his father, because it was the right thing to do. She breaks down sobbing about being afraid to be happy because bad things happen. She can’t take anymore bad. I’m thinking this is overwhelming to him, but he says he loves her.
Home Sweet Home
Elsa’s home! But before we celebrate, can we please discuss the fact that Marysol is wearing more illusion netting this season than the entire cast of Dancing With The Stars combined? What goes on with these interview outfits? Bad. Just bad bad bad.
Anyway, Elsa’s home! But she is feeling depressed, because, well, she wants to feel depressed. Marysol bought her mother a crystal that helps with mental clarity. She had it in water overnight and now Elsa needs to drink the water. Elsa thinks the crystal is a piece of fish and won’t drink the water. After being convinced it’s just a rock, she drinks it. Wait, Marysol used Perrier? Of course she did.
Blind Like A Bat
Oh yeah, time for the blind date. Joanna even went and got herself a black wig. I gotta tell you, I love a good wig. I need to do some wig shopping. Joanna… er, Natalia takes a seat at the bar and Romain sends over a drink to her. His disguise is a pair of glasses. Joanna isn’t feeling it, but I’m feeling it. They both play their parts and then head up to the hotel room. Natalia is going to be a dominatrix and we probably see more of that than we need to. Unfortunately, the extreme role playing didn’t really work for either of them.
Burn Baby Burn
Tonight is Adriana’s bachelorette party and Marysol is decorating with lingerie hanging from balloons. Note to self, never do that. The rest of the girls show up and they… sit around. Uh, note to self part two, Marysol doesn’t get to plan a bachelorette party for me ever. Adriana has an idea to perk things up. She brings her original wedding dress down and wants to burn it. Uh, how about sell it on ebay or donate it? No, she burns it and cleanses out all the pain and indecision. Did you also burn that white hat? I mean if you insist on putting CFCs into the ozone, feel free to throw that monstrosity in as well. And that is Adriana’s bachelorette party. With all the potential opporutnities for fun in the whole of Miami, this is what Marysol came up with… Okie doke.
Rachel: Joanna does know that Adriana is actually insane and this peace treaty will last about 10 minutes, right?