One Sentence Summary: With Lea’s gala over, the girls can go back to wedding wars.
Rachel: Lord help me, I am at the end of my patience rope with Adriana. Just the thought of an hour of her butchering our precious American idioms while she whines and complains incessantly makes my head spin. Granted, part of the spinning could be the copious amounts of sake I had with my sushi tonight, but I prefer to blame it on the Housewives. I prefer to blame most things on the Housewives really. They’ve certainly earned it. But we’re all here, so let’s get back to the war of the weddings. How long until we find out something happened with one of their venues and now they’re getting married on the same day?
Rachel: Oh look, Lisa is getting better at driving her car… albeit very slowly. She is at a Russian grocery store with her mother-in-law, Marina, who is in town for “another” visit. I realize I don’t follow their every move, but it doesn’t seem like the in-laws are in town that often. Anyway, she asks Marina to please not speak Russian in front of her with Lenny anymore. Yeah, mom could give a shit what Lisa wants. And to add insult to injury, the daughter of the owner of the store used to date Lenny. Yeah, but he didn’t put a ring on it Lisa says… out loud… to her MIL. Oh Lisa, it’s not going to get better if you say things like that and then call her annoying on top of it. She’s the mother of your husband. You may not like her, but she figured out how to raise your husband well enough for you to want to marry him. Have a little respect. Besides, she’s not going away. The odds are she’s got a longer shelf-life than those implants of yours.
A Baby For The Baby
Aw shit, this asshole again. Adriana and her hair flaps check in on her son Alex to make sure he’s ready for the wedding. She wants to know if he’s being teased in school about her secret marriage. He says no one really talks about it. Shocking isn’t it, Adriana? None of Alex’s friends give a rat’s ass about your drama. Imagine that. As for Alex, he wants no part of the conversation either. Sucks when your kid finds out you’ve been lying to him for 4 years. And for the love of all that is holy, please stop calling it a marriage license as if you aren’t married! You are! You’re married whether you like it or not. My grandmother got married in a brown suit at a courthouse and I’m pretty sure here marriage was valid for all 65 years of it. I know it’s a hard concept, but you don’t have to be in a church wearing a white gown (we can discuss that hypocrisy at another time) to be married.
Alex says he wants to go to Lea’s son RJ’s birthday party, but Adriana doesn’t want him to go because Lea texted him directly instead of speaking to her. Yeah, so punish your kid for that. Wow, these ladies could really take some lessons on maturity from their kids. Alex agrees that she probably should have talked to her and says that he had lunch with RJ the other day. Adriana wonders if they discuss the fight between their mothers. Ha, yeah that’s as interesting to them as your secret marriage.
Lisa, Lenny and Marina find themselves in a tough situation; there is only one driver available tomorrow night when they have two places to be. Yes, that really is quite the conundrum. I can’t even imagine how you get through each day having to face such issues. Hey Lenny, how about you drive yourself and give mom the driver? Seriously, shoot me if I’m ever so out of touch with reality that I forget that I can actually drive my own car.
Frederick comes to the Hochsteins – in a car he drove himself – and is greeted by Marina as it seems Lisa & Lenny also cannot answer their own door. These two need a good kick in the ass. Romain arrives next for what is apparently the latest chapter in the Hochstein’s campaign for world peace. I mean it’s a mystery as to how they haven’t been invited to a G20 summit yet?
Lenny wants to know what happened between Frederick & Romain. Romain says Frederick retweeted something calling Joanna a whore and a prostitute. Not surprisingly, he wasn’t cool with that. Frederick knew, from the day he sent it, that he made a mistake and is sorry. He respects Romain and thinks it’s their responsibility, as men, to guide their women toward better behavior. Now, normally, I’d have a Gloria-Steinem-burn-your-bra-I-am-woman-hear-me-roar moment at a statement like that, but in this case, he’s right. Clearly, these women cannot handle their behavior on their own. So, carry on. The men agree to talk to their ladies and part as friends. Lisa wonders why the women can’t behave the same way. We all wonder, Lisa. We all do. And in case you’re keeping score at home, that makes teenagers and husbands more mature than the whole lot of these grown-ass women.
Meanwhile, poor Lisa had to entertain Marina during the peace summit, which she calls taking one for the team. She’s such a spoiled brat. But hey, they can at least talk about which guy is hotter.
Alexia takes Frankie to rehab for his accident. He’s doing really well, considering how bad the accident was. Alexia is worried about how he’ll be affected socially. She meets with his doctors and they say that his awareness is there but his speech is not. That still needs time. He is back in school and doing well, but he’s not yet integrated into the social arena.
What About Me?
Joanna catches up with Marta. They miss each other but Marta likes that she no longer feels like Joanna’s bitch. Can’t say as I blame you, lady. They talk about the upcoming wedding and Marta supports it 100%… if Joanna’s happy. But her blessing is officially given and Joanna asks her to be maid of honor. Oh boy, can’t wait ’til Romain hears this. Marta accepts and Joanna fires off her first bridal request. She wants Marta to fly to LA right away for a dress fitting. Nope, too busy. This does not please Joanna. Last year, she would have been on the first plane. Yeah, well last year she was your beck & call girl. Joanna doesn’t like that Marta’s priorities have shifted. You mean that she’s gotten her own life? Yeah, I can see how that would be hard for a narcissist like you.
Hochstein v Hochstein
Lisa & Lenny head to dinner with his parents. Lisa is exhausted by it all already. You know, since they’re visiting for the hellish timeframe of 7 days. A whole week of having to share their driver! How is it possible that they could be such imposition? Mom wants to know why Lisa never returns her phone calls. Lisa doesn’t feel like she should make her a priority when she doesn’t like her. Uh, if you called her back she’d like you a little bit better. Marina thinks her son has a mission to make the end of her life miserable. No, he just will protect his wife when she is attacked. He thinks she causes problems when she is in town. She’s nasty to their help, to their drivers and to their friends. It’s starting to get ugly, but Lisa jumps in and diffuses the drama. She says she would still like to work on their relationship. So, I guess only Lisa gets to throw shade. Marina’s still not all that interested.
Bridesmaid vs Bridesmaid
Adriana, Marysol, Alexia and Lisa go bridesmaids dress shopping. Adriana says she wants everyone in white. So no more technicolor wedding in hot air balloons? The girls try on a bridesmaids dresses and Lisa is thrilled to be around a happy group of girls. Oh, did you just say you were enjoying yourself? Who let that happen on Adriana’s watch? Adriana will remedy that right quick and asks if Lisa is in Joanna’s wedding. She says she hasn’t been asked, but would be. Adriana doesn’t want her to be in Joanna’s wedding because she doesn’t want a “double agent” in her wedding. This woman has to be the most bitter and immature twit on the planet. I really don’t remember disliking someone more… though I’m sure I’ve said this about several Housewives.
Meanwhile, Lea heads over to see Joanna who is still in pajamas. I think that’s what they are. I hope that’s what they are. And thank God we can see her black thong. I mean really, that’s information I clearly needed to know. Lea is shown around the new pad and thinks it’s a money pit. Snob. Back inside, Joanna tells her that she is overwhelmed by the wedding and is getting married in LA at a venue she’s never seen. Say what? She’s also upset that Marta hasn’t dropped everything to help her. Brat. Lea says she has to understand that Marta’s relationship is now her priority and offers to go to LA with her instead. Must be nice to be able to just take off at a moment’s notice. Sign me up for that gig.
Back at the bridal salon, Adriana hasn’t sufficiently ruined the happy mood so she pulls out some gossip from People Magazine… from 1995, mind you… about Lea, though she doesn’t normally gossip. Right, you only gossip when your lips are moving. Apparently, Lea had a secret marriage and her friends were shocked. She got married 4 months later but it’s the same “crime” as far as Adriana is concerned. Uh, yeah it’s not really and you’re the one saying you weren’t actually married. Of course this is the moment Lea calls Lisa and asks if she wants to go to LA. Yes, of course she’ll go (since she doesn’t have anything else to do as well), but does this mean she’s a bridesmaid? Joanna answers with a laugh. I’ll take that as a no. But it goes over Lisa’s head… or whooshing right through her ears.
PS – Who brings a dog to a bridal shop? (Lisa.) I’m sorry, pet lovers, but this whole taking your dog everywhere you go is out of control. There are just some places dogs don’t need to be… and a bridal shop is certainly one of them. I’m allergic to dogs and really don’t want to go shopping so I can sit in a chair covered with your dog’s hair because you couldn’t leave them at home with their chew toy.
An Invitation You Can Refuse
Adriana and Marysol go shopping at Adriana’s favorite secret store. As they’re playing around with the hats, Lea calls. She wants to know if Alex can come to RJ’s birthday. Both she & Frederick are invited and will be welcome with open arms. Adriana might not be able to make it, but says that Alex will be there. She is pleased Lea asked her permission instead of “conniving” her. Marysol tells her not to go and Adriana talks about Lea’s Judas kiss… again. But it’s for the kids, so she’ll think about it. Again, I ask, why is Marysol still on this show?
Lea’s son RJ ordered a bunch of stuff online and planned his own birthday party because Lea was too busy with the Gala to help. Nice. His theme is “the gauntlet”. OK, I get the armor, but the top hats and bow ties are lost on me. Frederick arrives early with Alex because he’s DJ-ing. Needless to say, Adriana did not come with them. Oh my, so it’s not armor, it’s actual fake assault rifles and kids shooting each other. This is what happens when you’re not watching what your kids are buying online.
Alexia shows up with Frankie. Lea is still upset about the Gala but not making an issue of it. Thank you. But most importantly, Frankie seems to be handling himself well which makes Alexia happy. Joanna & Romain finally show up and he tells Joanna that he made up with Frederick. Way to wait until the last minute. She says she’ll be open-minded but she’s still hurt.
As it’s a typical day in the FLA, the rain comes and everyone has to move inside to the house which is still under construction. Now who’s got the money pit? Frederick apologizes to Joanna and she accepts. Oh no wonder it’s raining, Adriana has arrived and brought her black cloud with her. The second she walks in she starts complaining. If you can’t be in that house without getting sick, why did you show up? Oh for the kids, right right. Asshole. Time for the cake and Lea asks her friends to come sing to RJ. Adriana thinks it’s weird. Lisa thinks it’s inappropriate. Joanna says awkward. Pretty much all of the above.
Rachel: Well, I survived but I still want to punch Adriana in the head.