Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 15: Zen Things I Hate About You

One Sentence Summary:  It’s a high wire act for the Housewives.

Melissa’s Thoughts: 

In a rare moment, Teresa thinks about someone beside herself... clearly it causes her pain.

In a rare moment, Teresa thinks about someone beside herself… clearly it causes her pain.

Here we are again my friends, yet another week of group therapy making us all realize just how sane we really are.  Well, until you think about the fact we’re the ones watching this nonsense.  I gotta say, makes me rethink my sanity.  Unfortunately I’m back to paying catch up due to my travel schedule.  So here I sit, exhausted and wanting to curl up with some proper trash… Roadhouse has to be on somewhere right?  No, I won’t be distracted, I’ll just suffer with this trash.  At least I was able to sneak the bottle of Apple Pie Pinot without the hubs seeing and demanding his own glass.  Ah dear friend… you’re always here to support me!!

Melissa’s Birthday

Finally it’s the last night of the trip and the champers is flowing.  Which hopefully means the fights are going to start flowing soon too.  I’ve had about enough of this holding hands and skipping through the desert.  I mean really people.  Oh Caroline, shit stirrer, you and I both know this won’t end well.  Well, of course Joey is going to bring up his issues that he’s said he’s let go of, but really hasn’t.  Teresa can’t believe he would think she’s involved.  I mean really Joey, she’s taken every random chance to declare she wasn’t involved.  Surely that is enough evidence she isn’t.

Are you kidding me, it’s a flashback episode??  Come on Bravo, I thought at least I was going to get a hood hour’s worth of a fight!  Oh, you disappoint… you really do.  The least you could do is give it to us Memento style.  Yeah, how awesome would that be??  Every episode is a new clue as to why we sit and torture ourselves week after week.

12 hours earlier… 

Ah, it’s the dawn of Melissa’s special day and of course Joey is there ready for some birthday action.  Oh for real this face humping really needs to go.  How does she stay married to that?  I’m going to need a serious swig of my pinot if this is how this wake up scene is going to play out.  Then again, I don’t want to waste good wine if I’m just going to vomit it back up.  Let me get this straight, walking into the room and seeing her brother sucking his wife’s toes (shudder) and looking like he’s about to pounce his wife Teresa thinks it’s a good time to stroll in with her birthday wishes?  Really?  I’d be looking for the first bucket to chuck in while wanting to bleach my eyes.  Um, a peace thong for her birthday?  WTF woman?!  What is wrong with you?

Hearing Teresa and Jacqueline are making peace with their friendship, Melissa thinks she may get the same treatment and can move on.  Yes Melissa and next you’ll see a unicorn outside your window.

Horse Shit

Rosie is all F’ed up after the horse whispering the day before.  Kathy reminds her she sometimes needs to think before she reacts because it makes her look like Rosie takes care of her.  Rosie tells Kathy she wants a special person like Rich too.  I’m thinking at the point Kathy might be willing to give him to you just so she doesn’t have to deal with him for like 5 minutes.  Rosie doesn’t hear that she’s great because she doesn’t have anyone to tell her and she’s freaking out.  Aw, come on Rosie… we all love you, and you don’t need to throw your water bottles.  It’s not cool to litter.

Shhhhh

I love Albert and Caroline, I also love this little get away spot of theirs – way to hide out from the rest of the gang.  Props on that one.  Caroline is still awe struck by the connection Albert had with Wyatt.  Because of how he grew up he thinks he was able to take the best from his experience to raise the kids with Caroline.  She reminds him the kids will be strong and can take care of themselves.  Poor guy wants to have some fun.  Good luck, this is a Housewives vacation, we all know fun is on short supply.

The Zen is Gone

The rest of the boys decide to head off to the pool and treat the guests to their lovely Jerseyness.  Oh Rich, it never gets old for you does it?  What is your obsession with strippers?  I really feel for these guests.  Just when you’ve plunked down how much money to enjoy the peace and quiet of the desert… it turns into the Jersey Shore senior tour.  Oh behalf of my fellow Jerseyites, I apologize.  We’re not all like that.  I swear.

Volleying Conversations

The tennis instructor’s first words to them are “Fuck Shame” but more importantly leave your ego at the gaete.  Yeah, clearly she’s never met Teresa whose ego has been laser etched to her.  Melissa’s too possibly.  Why is Teresa always doing push ups?

Really Joey, you’re going to toast Juicy?  He’s still going to bash you in confessional and to Teresa.  Don’t be so naive.

While the ladies play their doubles match Caroline tells Albert she thinks Melissa and Teresa are still harboring a lot of anger and neither of them want to to question why it started in the first place.  There needs to be truth in talking it out – fat chance you have of that happening there sweetie.  An argument needs to happen because it’s the only way to heal.  Well, I don’t know that would even help.  This as Melissa and Rosie win the match and Teresa curses her loss while insisting she doesn’t give a shit.

Trust No One

Oh boy, guess what time it is friends.  It’s therapy time (aka Melissa tops off her glass time)!!  I think I need to institute a Housewives drinking game.  Anytime there’s talk of therapy or a therapy session of some sort we must drink.  OK, first rule is in place just in time for the teamwork challenge.  The group is ready to head to the high wires to test their trust, communication and ability to keep from vomiting from the height.  Well, the group minus Caroline who wants nothing to do with heights.  This should be good.  The first volunteers are Joey and Teresa.  I feel like I have to pause here for a WTF moment and ask what Melissa is wearing.  A fringe bandeau top and Daisy Duks?  Is this a joke?  For real, please tell me I’ve just had too much wine and she’s not trying to rock that look… let alone for and outdoor therapy session.

Teresa makes it up the pole and Joey is ready to head on out the wire.  The idea here is to lean in and trust Joey.  He wishes she would just be real and would respect her more.      They make it part of the way before Teresa loses her balance and falls.  Rich and Kathy head up next and meet the same fate as do Chris and Albert.  Juicy and Rosie make a few steps as well until they fall off with a voiceover from Teresa wanting Melissa to get up there.

Melissa, sick of having Teresa yell at her decides to suit up.  Good for you girl.  I would have just said I don’t trust you and give her a dead leg.  So there they are, up on the wire while Joey sees a tweet to Melissa about the rumors of her infidelity from Penny.  They make it a fair amount across the wire but ultimately fall and Joey still has worries about the relationship with Teresa.  Can’t say as I blame ya there Joey.  Doesn’t take Kreskin to see this isn’t going to last.

Party Time

Finally, it’s the big party to celebrate Melissa!  Joey thinks things are changing with Juicy and he seems humble this trip, but let’s face it… Juice has a lot on his mind right now, he’s not focused on properly bashing you.

The gang arrives waiting for Melissa so she can make her entrance for the celebration.  Joey goes on to talk to Melis about the tweets he’s seeing and he’s tired of it.  She doesn’t want to sit and think about being fake with Teresa and her feelings.  Joey clearly wants Teresa to admit her involvement while Melissa doesn’t need it if it won’t do anything.  Aw, look at the disco ball sparkly birthday girl!  I’ll give the girl this much, she’s got some awesome sticks.  That’s what I want my legs to look like!  OK, that would require me to go on a diet to shed a good 50 lbs and since I have no intention of giving up my eating and drinking habits let’s just move along and I’ll just covet her legs.  If I had legs like that I would wear sparkly short shorts too.  No, no I wouldn’t.

While the wine flows so do the jokes lulling all into a false sense of calm that they may make it home without incident.  Oh silly kiddies!!  Melissa’s birthday wish is for all the rumors and tweets go go away.  See, now it won’t come true because you told us!  Well that and you live in an adult version of high school.

So here’s how Melissa’s toast goes to thank everyone for coming to celebrate her birthday.  Kathy gets some appreciation props while Richie gets a “be a better husband” knock but then insists she loves him and how he is with her kids.  The Joes bonded and that’s good.  Everyone has fallen more in love with Rosie, but Teresa gets left out… and you know that snub is going to be noticed like a piece of spinach stuck in the teeth.  Oh, most will pretend it’s not there hoping for it to just wash away but there’s going to be one who can’t help but call it out, and not with good intentions.

Here we go… the champers starts and poor Caroline looks like she’s ready to leave the train before it arrives in Crazy Town.  Chris thinks it’s wonderful that everyone is speaking after declaring the would never speak again and Teresa insists she’s on a Zen (yes, on a Zen) while Juicy clearly has had enough of that answer and tells her to shut up about the Zen.  Wow, this is the most awkward silence.  Caroline thinks it’s wonderful to sit there and laugh but they’ve been there before and if anyone is holding on to anything it needs to be said and let the hearts be clean.  She’s not doing it again.

Joey steps up and I need to question something… Wasn’t he ironing a pink shirt?  Sorry, just a random thought.  So he’s going back to the Penny bashing and he thinks Teresa shared secrets about him.  He doesn’t care, but still believes she did it.  Teresa tries again to claim she wasn’t a part of anything and wants to drop it.  Caroline tries to tell Teresa she can’t blame Joey for how he feels.  He wants her to understand it’s better if she admits her involvement.  Here we go friends!  Caroline reminds them that they can’t walk out without clearing the air.  Melissa isn’t concerned with Teresa, she just wants Penny to stop.  Juicy tells Joey that Teresa would never do anything to hurt him (just Melissa) and he’s fine, but she needs to straighten Penny out.  AND THE GLASS GOES FLYING!  Melissa thankfully shoos Joey off to their room to calm his ‘roid rage.

Caroline tells Teresa that the only way she’s going to prove to Joey she’s not a part of anything is to go united against the issues they are facing.  Even Kathy gets in on the action trying to convince Teresa to step up.  But see friends, she can’t because we all know even with all her denials she kinda was involved.  Honor your family together Caroline demands.  Melissa just wants to let it go because well, I’m sure there are some skeletons in her closet she doesn’t want dragged out by the dogs.  Man, even Albert is getting into the act reminding they could be like they were growing up… United like it used to be and nobody can break that.  You go with your bad self preacher man!!  I love you Albert.

Bottom Line:

Oh boy, based on those previews will the truth finally come out or will Bravo continue to drag along this story line?

Photos:  bravo.com
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