Real Housewives of Miami – Season 3 Episode 5: Black Gala vs. Gay Polo

One Sentence Summary:  Lea loses a few gala attendees thanks to Adriana’s war against her & Alexia gets caught in the crossfire.

Our Thoughts: 

What do you mean I can't bring peace to the ladies of Miami? What else do I have to do ?

What do you mean I can’t bring peace to the ladies of Miami? What else do I have to do ?

Rachel:  Well,  my DVR has decided to go rogue and only record shows when it feels like it.  Apparently, it’s decided it isn’t that into RHOM or Tamra’s OC Wedding.  I can’t really blame it, but it’s making this keeping up thing difficult. It’s also decided it doesn’t like Ink Master either and that’s where I draw the line. However, in order to rectify this matter, I have to take my DVR to Comcast and exchange it for a new one. Easy, right? Wrong. The closest office is 25 minutes away and you are guaranteed to sit in their lobby for a good 30 minutes. And they don’t even have a bar! Maybe they’ll let me bring in my “juice box” with me… Anyway, I promise to get this solved soon… Says the girl in her pj’s at 11am. No really, I’m on it.  Now, let’s get back to Miami

Conflicting Schedules

Gay polo? Oh those bitches have gone too far.

Gay polo? Oh those bitches have gone too far.

Rachel:  Lea’s annual gala is upon us and she is at home making her final calls… and searching for Frieda, who seems to be MIA.  Seriously, I want Freida’s job.  She doesn’t have to do anything and gets a free place to live with pay. After Lea resigns herself to having to fluff her pillow son her own, she gives Alexia a call to make sure she & Herman are still attending the gala.  Alexia says she is going with the “other” girls to a polo event in Palm Beach, which was not coincidentally planned on the same day as Lea’s Gala.  But she promises she’ll be there, even though she’s too sick to do either.  With that, Lea’s doorbell starts to ring and since not one of the 6 people working for Lea will answer the door, she goes to get it herself. Yeah, seriously considering putting in an application with the Blacks.

A Baby For The Baby

Why do I feel like I already have a child?

Why do I feel like I already have a child?

Rachel:  Lisa & Lenny have met again with their fertility doctor and have decided to use a surrogate. Lisa thinks it’s strange. Lenny thinks it is what it is and they have to do what they have to do. She thinks he won’t ever understand and is taking it too lightly. Ugh, she’s such a whiner. You can’t have a baby. But you want a baby. This is your option. Shut up about it already. He’s clearly frustrated as well. He says they fail every time they try and he’s not getting any younger. He’s 47 and this is the reality of their lives. She processes none of that and says she wants to give him a baby. This isn’t part of her plans. Dear Lord, someone gag her. He tries to explain to her, yet again, that they’re doing it because they’re out of options. Look, I get that not being able to get pregnant is a hard pill to swallow. But I also get that they’ve been trying for years, they are out of options and they are lucky as shit to have the resources to be able to hire someone to be a surrogate. Be thankful instead of whining like a petulant child.

Gay Polo

Onto every Adriana, a little rain must fall.

Onto every Adriana, a little rain must fall.

Rachel: Adriana, Marysol, Alexia, Ana (ack!) and their transgender friend Lauren head off to the gay polo matches in Palm Beach.  And for the record, I have no issue with Lauren or transgender people, but they insist on reminding us she’s transgendered every time she is on the screen so I feel obligated to note it myself.

Alexia has decided to go, even though she’s sick, because she’s afraid to cancel. Always a sign of solid friendship; fear. Lauren doesn’t understand gay polo. Yeah, me either and no one seems able to answer if it’s the players that are gay or that gay people are watching polo. Adriana fills us all in on her latest drama which is that she’s mad at Romain. She cried all night because of him. Romain intimidated her in a way no man should. Perhaps you should have kept your mouth shut then. I’m pretty sure accusing him of cheating and talking smack about his fiancé wasn’t the most ladylike behavior to begin with.  And now it’s raining in the limo.  They think it must be a leak in the ceiling.  I think it’s just the dark cloud that follows Adriana around.

The girls arrive at the polo match, in the mud, and head to the VIP tent. Adriana’s friend asks who’s going to Lea’s gala tonight. No one says they’re going… including Alexia who prefers to keep the ladies and their claws at bay.  So she plays the silence card.  Yeah, that’s a pretty outfit she’s wearing. I wouldn’t want it messed up either.

Shake A Very Shiny Object

With these on my ears, I can't hear anything but love tonight.

With these on my ears, I can’t hear anything but love tonight.

Rachel: Lea has a meeting to discuss her tell-all book when Taylor Hicks (American Idol winner) shows up.  Apparently, he’s performing tonight. Really? This is your talent for the night? Taylor says that he is so busy that he only had one night off? I missed the spiking career trajectory of one Taylor Hicks.  Not that I’m mad at it. He seems like a nice enough guy.

Next at the door, a jeweler. Jeffrey Rackover has brought some items for Lea to wear tonight and brings out a pair of earrings that are 100 carats of diamonds.  Yeah, that item will run you a cool $25MM. No biggie. Then he pulls out a necklace that is ridic at 95 carats for $4MM.  I’m drooling on my keyboard. However, the woman who was there to interview Lea about her book is less excited by the interruption. Oh honey, it’s Lea’s world and you’re barely living in it.

More Shiny Objects

I knew all that whining would pay off!

I knew all that whining would pay off!

Rachel:  Lisa is going to the gala and thinks it’s silly of the other girls to put their pettiness in front of charity.  Um, yes, but consider the source. Lenny comes home late from surgeries and is going to have the driver drop Lisa off first. He’ll come later. She’s pissy because she has to go to everything alone.  Yeah, well that’s how you get to live in a massive home and have no responsibilities outside of working out and looking good. But he’s prepared to make up for it and stop the bitching before it goes to Defcon 5 by pulling out a diamond necklace. I guess this would be a no-pushing present? Yeah, not surprisingly, she’s not mad anymore.  PS – That illusion netting on her dress is terrible. It was terrible when Kim wore it to the RHOA reunion and it’s terrible now. People please stop with this dress.

Lisa and her new necklace leave for Lea’s hotel suite and is blown away by her new diamonds. Suddenly Lisa’s necklace looks like small potatoes… except that Lisa gets to keep hers. Now she thinks it’s not as special.  SHUT UP! They talk about the Venue party and the fight between Romain & Frederick.  Lisa just thinks it’s so ridiculous that there’s a fight at every party. Lisa says her gala has not been cursed yet… Um, do you not remember Joanna crying last year? Lea is just tired of defending herself. She’s just going to make peace with herself and be done. Sure.

Mean Girls

Don't pull come at me like a bitch, bitch!

Don’t pull come at me like a bitch, bitch!

Rachel:  The women are judges at the gay polo match, but Adriana is having trouble saying what she thinks. However, they’re more interested in why Alexia is so quiet. Probably because she isn’t in the mood to have her eyes clawed out. Herman has sent a car for her so she can be ready for the gala on time but she’s scared to tell the girls. Running out of time, dear.

BTW, why is Marysol still on this show? She’s boring as shit.  The most interesting thing about her is Elsa and she isn’t around. Alexia finally tells the girls that she’s not going home with them… because Herman wants to go to the gala. Needless to say, the girls are not interested in hearing it. Adriana thinks Alexia is playing both sides of the fence. No, she’s not involving herself in your petty bullshit.  I actually have a newfound respect for Alexia. They all think Lea came to her event to get Alexia to come to hers.  Uh, that’s kinda how it works. The girls make one last ditch effort to convince her that Lea is bad. Alexia says her eyes are open. She isn’t going to get duped. Ana says hats off to Lea because she always wins. What is she winning? God, I fucking HATE Adriana.  Alexia tells the girls to grow up and exits the bus.  Good for you, lady.

Gala vs. Polo 

So remember when I was brave... me either.

So remember when I was brave… me either.

Rachel: Time for the gala and some stars-ish show up.  AKA – Lance Bass and Dennis Rodman. Oh look, it’s Karent. I wonder what she’s been up to. Okay, I don’t really wonder. Seemed the nice thing to say. Lenny wants to know how Romain could argue with Frederick since he’s so nice. Romain says no, he’s not so much nice. He was insulting to him, his business, and his fiancé. Lenny wants to call a meeting of the minds to his house to solve the issue between the men. Seriously, the Hochstein’s need to not worry so much about everyone else’s problems.

Back on the bus, Lauren says she understands Alexia’s position. That was brave. Adriana says it’s just that Lea gets to the men and the women follow.  Sweet Mary, these women are exhausting.

Meanwhile, Alexia decides not to go to the gala because she’s “sick”, which translates as her sticking up for her friends. Remember my newfound respect?  Poof. Gone. Faster than a box of chocolates at a PMS support club meeting. But this isn’t going to get Lea down. She has a gala to get to.

It’s time once again for the auction. She starts with tickets to the Emmys.  No one bids.  Next, a Jeffrey Rackover necklace. Lisa models it and no one bids. Yikes. Finally, someone bids $10k on the $25k necklace. Then some random Polish lady donates $10k in Joanna’s name because she’s the most beautiful girl in the room. Joanna now feels like she and her fake bangs have done their duty for Lea. Well, the auction was a giant flop, but hey Flo Rida is performing. Shirtless. And the crowd goes wild. Nothing more hysterical than watching stuffy white people get down to a rap artist.

Meanwhile, the angry bitches are still on the bus…

Bottom Line

Rachel:  Um, I think the only winner tonight was Joanna’s hair.  She really can rock a fake bang.

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3 responses to “Real Housewives of Miami – Season 3 Episode 5: Black Gala vs. Gay Polo

  1. Oh God, really? You want to apply for a job at the Black’s, Rachel? The only work that Freida does for the Blacks is Black Magic. Santeria, Candomble. And having your own live-in curse caster can be very dangerous; don’t do anything stupid like ask her to wash laundry, vacuum, or answer the door. This Freida is handy to have in case Ana, Marysol, Elsa, Alexia (watch out) piss you of or “don’t support you”. The staged scene of the tarot card reader was ironic. And I’m still waiting for Marysol to warn the other girls to do welfare calls on their mums, or Alexia to do the math; heed what you heard! Lisa, why do you think you could carry a pregnancy to term if you have no body fat and are mostly plastic? What was the fetus supposed to be nourished from? Can’t process what your plastic surgeon husband is trying to tell you? He knows! Lisa you are about as natural as processed cheese. Only Barbie Dolls could come out of Lisa. If she truly truly wanted to have a baby, she would gain 30 pounds, nourish herself and remove the foreign material from her body, but she apparently doesn’t want the baby that much. And yuck, Ana! Blah, I agree. How ever much I detest her, she may have a point about Lea being an evil witch, I mean bitch. How freaking miserable, empty, bitter, and jealous must Lea be to write a tell-all about the girls, level shit down on the heads of their families, and still expect to have a friend in the world? I can’t wait for the reunion when Lea learns that everyone despises her. The only way Lea “wins” and feels alive or relevant is when everyone else around her is miserable. And the stupid fucking charity gala? No one believes you give a tinker’s damn about the kids or anyone else but yourself, Lea. You wouldn’t even have gotten the 10k from the nasty saggy boob (barf) lady if you hadn’t been using Joanna as bait. And I know you are using Romain (barf) for something you go into detail about in your book (barf). Lea is the definition of phoniness and black-hearted ness. And watching her get her groove on was the definition of pathos. Lea should ask Freida for her dark blessings because I think that’s her last hope in this world since neither God nor hell would have her again.

  2. The last commenter had more wine than both of you put together. Wow.

    That being said, I don’t hate Lisa. While I got what her hubby (can’t remember his name now) was saying about how her carrying a baby didn’t work, I still felt bad for her not being able to experience it. She hasn’t been awful. And even though that husband of hers is right that science shows she can’t carry a baby, I do kinda get how that would make a woman sad. I wanted her to see his logic, but as a woman I kinda got what she was saying.

    The rest of them? Well, I kinda think they’re all apeshit crazy. Joanna is ridiculously stupid. Romain is a lettuce in my salad. And I don’t want to toss it.

    I don’t care about the wedding that supposedly took place a couple years ago. Seriously? If anyone thinks this shit is really “real” then that person is the idiot. Not Adriana. Even though I do think she’s kinda stupid.

    Lea’s gala…give me a break. All about the kids is code for “all about lea black” and I’m not in

    • Nope, don’t even like wine. It’s not about liking or hating any of these characters. They’ve signed on to put their face, families, figures and faults on a reality show. Therefore they are fair game for snark. They are purely for entertainment value. And so are my comments.

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