Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 14: Horse Whisper to a Scream

One Sentence Summary:  Mr. Ed meets the Jersey crew for a little therapy.

Melissa’s Thoughts: 

We tried too Juicy, but it's hard to poke your eyes out so you don't have to look at Teresa.

We tried too Juicy, but it’s hard to poke your eyes out so you don’t have to look at Teresa.

So we’re back to Arizona and group therapy, and we all know how much I adore me some therapy – especially in a group setting.  Personally I wish I could take the Melissa route and sit poolside while the drama unfolds.  Considering it’s miserable and rainy up here in North Jersey I can’t even pretend that I’m enjoying myself poolside instead of dealing with this crew.  Nope, I’m stuck watching MORE therapy, might as well mix up a dirty martini to dull the pain this week.  Yes, and that should take a few minutes to help procrastinate as well.  Ah, I do love a procrastination cocktail, they’re so delicious… now where are those tomolives?

Dawn of a New Drama

Oh, Melissa is getting better, but just wants a cocktail by the pool in a bikini instead of the major healing that people go there for.  Well of course let’s not leverage healing and instead drink poolside.  See, I knew there was a reason I liked Melissa.  Wine can be very theraputic.  I should put that on a shirt “I drink for therapy”.  I like it!

Jacqueline and Chris head for a wilderness breakfast in peace and quiet.  Jac thinks being around Teresa is nice and she misses being around the old Teresa.  She shares Teresa’s comment with Chris that she lives her life so Karma doesn’t come back to her kinds and they think she is referring to Nic and it’s shitty.  Chris thinks Tre says hurtful things, but doesn’t know if she says them intentionally or just because she has no filter, or she just can’t control it like vomit.  I’ll go with vomit Chris… vomit like a freshman after her first frat party.

So the silence and relaxation is brought to a screeching (literally) halt as Teresa arrives shortly followed by Joey pulling the crew together for their horse healer.

A Horse is a Horse

Wyatt gives the fish eye to this crew

Even Wyatt can’t control a fish eye for this crew

The resort offers equine therapy at Purple Sage Ranch and all Richie can talk about is the smell.  Rich, you should feel right at home being that you’re such a horses ass.  I feel bad for these horses dealing with these people, all they want to do is eat some oats and alfalfa not listen to the likes of Teresa.

Wyatt Webb their host/therapist explains to them they won’t be riding horses today, they are there for another therapy session.  Oh joy!  Melissa has had enough therapy and crying (though she spent the last session poolside by herself) and just wants to enjoy have fun and a drink.  Chris is first up and stands next to the horse to clean his hoof but Juicy and Teresa want no parts of it because as Tre says animals can turn on you… even humans can.  Yes Teresa I’m sure you could enrage a chipmunk enough to attack.

It’s not about the horse, they respond to authenticity and can be uncooperative when you aren’t open and sharing.  Chris gets a hoof up because he isn’t guarded at all and energy is his language.  It’s about being honest and Caroline loves it.  Let’s wager a guess who won’t love it.

Richie, always the ass shares with Teresa the guy is a genius because he gets people to come there and clean his horses.  Oh, that will earn you a spot up there… And a comment by Wyatt that you create jokes to bandage what you feel.  High-five Wyatt my friend.

Rosie is up next and doesn’t think she has a story.  She’s worried the horse won’t lift his leg because she doesn’t have the touch.  Wyatt counters if she feels she isn’t good enough and she is moved to tears because most of the time she doesn’t feel like she’s good enough.  Wyatt reminds her she volunteered to be there and it gives her a chance to acknowledge she’s always been good enough.  He tells her behind her is a creature who doesn’t care what her title is as long as she’s honest and true to herself.  OK, we need to stop right here because you know how much I adore Rosie and I clearly am having an allergy attack or a moth has flown into my eye and is irritating it.  My eye is a bit watery and I must tend to it with the rest of my shaker.

Melissa volunteers that she’s anxious and worried the horse will pee on her.  She curtsies in an attempt to woo the horse over or keep the urine in, though that second “Rosie walk” imitation almost had me peeing in my pants with laughter.  Wyatt asks if she feels like she puts others first before her own needs and does it make her resentful?  Sometimes she answers and she feels she’s constantly wiping the slate clean but doesn’t get the recognition.  While she struggles Joey tries to offer his support and Wyatt reminds him sometimes she should let her do things on her own.  Joey comes up to help her and is a little scared so he asks Teresa to help.  She’s nervous to get close and runs off with Melissa quick to follow.  Caroline thinks they didn’t get what the exercise means and it’s very telling.

Richie and Kathy are up next while Juicy walks off to take/make a call.  Wait, are we rerunning the California call?  Juicy wants to know what the other person is doing and responds with “niiiice” and a Juicy chuckle – to which all the hair on my arms stands straight up.  Here comes Teresa to find out what he’s doing and why he left therapy.  Sadly it is just Milania and not another girlfriend.  Richie is feeling aggravated and Kathy supplies that when he gets mad he screams and she’s the one who deals with it because he fills up the house with it.  Kathy holds her anger in and releases it through tears.  Rich doesn’t listen to Kathy and she wishes it could be different.  Wyatt tells her to try her hoof lift and she does it.  She feels proud of what she was able to do but doesn’t celebrate it which made Wyatt sad.  Richie learned that just because she implodes it doesn’t mean she’s ultimately OK with it.  Rich is shocked by Kathy’s emotions and that he’s the bad guy.  Really Rich?  You need to start reading this blog because I break it down weekly how much of an ass you are to your wife.

Look I'm such a cowgirl, I'm wearing turquoise...

Nothing, just had to share this picture of Teresa, it makes me giggle.

Teresa sneaks back as Wyatt asks her to put the phone away so they can get the most out of the session and can’t do that if she’s distracted.

Jac is nervous but she has tears so Wyatt tells her to just go in just like she is and the hoof comes up.  Teresa is quick in with a hug to support Jacqueline.  This is the Teresa that Chris and Jac love.

Juicy goes up next but he’s a little tired and hung over so Wyatt has him to go right in and the horse moves.  Wyatt questions why Juicy thinks the horse moved, what has he been scared of until this point?  Juicy’s greatest fear is the issue he’s dealing with and the lawyers involved… The possible jail time.  He doesn’t want to lose what he’s accomplished and Joey is shocked he would bring it up.  Reality must be setting in and it’s a big step.  Wyatt thinks there’s also a fear of rejection and being alone.  Acknowledge the fear and it stops having power over him.  He goes in again and catches the foot.  Way to go Juice.

Caroline and Albert go in as a couple.  When asked what makes him awesome Albert says he’s done well with extremely adverse circumstances.  Wyatt feels a kinship with him and thinks he knows what it is, and asks if he was abused emotionally.  Albert agrees that clinically yes was and Caroline supports that he had a very demanding father.  Albert doesn’t generally open up with people.  WTF, it’s another moth flown into my eye!!  Clearly I need some type of extermination service in my home.  Caroline gets the hoof up on the first try as does Albert.  Wyatt tells the group it happened for them because they weren’t guarded at all with their emotions.

When asked what they can take with them, Melissa whispers that she can’t lift a horse’s leg… Yes my dear, you got it.  Dare I challenge “why not” is what you should ask yourself.  Sheesh, is this her FIRST therapy session??  “The more vulnerable you can be, the better” is the point Wyatt tries to reinforce.  Clearly he’s never seen an episode… no-one will choose to be vulnerable in this crew.

Discuss Amongst Yourselves

Richie can’t believe Juicy talked about his fears with the legal issues, and Kathy tells Rich she wanted to be there for everyone, but when it was her turn she felt the others were distracted.

Teresa still didn’t get what the therapy was for, and she doesn’t have any insecurities she’s just Teresa.  She doesn’t try to impress people, she’s just her.  Um, are you shitting me Tre?  You live your life on camera to one up people.  She’s afraid of horses that’s why it didn’t move.  Oh yes Teresa, maybe that’s why the hoof didn’t move.  You keep living in your gaudy delusional glass house assuming everyone else has the problems.  Melissa thinks they only met Wyatt for 3 seconds and how could he know anything by just looking at them.

Caroline thinks Teresa and Melissa can’t open up because they are so superficial.  Well that’s sort of just stating the obvious don’t you think?

Chris wants to know why Jac was crying when she walked up to the horse and she claims it was because she was afraid of the horse hurting her.  Chris thinks there is something deeper and is it Teresa?  She’s afraid if she gets to close to Teresa she’ll get kicked (which has happened in the past).  Chris thinks Jac cares about her a lot and while she’s been great on the trip, they still need to work on relationship if Teresa is a true friend.

Hot Tub Confessions

I pretended to cry and everyone bought it... just like they bought my talking to a "friend" on the phone last year.

I can fart in the hot tub and no one knows.

It’s hot tub time and Teresa plucked the stripper-kini from whatever garbage pail Gia tried to toss it.  Anyone else think that WTF look on Juicy’s face is priceless?  Oh wait, he’s happy with the suit though wishes she would have come out nekkid.  Ugh, my arms just broke out in goosebumps.  Juicy thinks he’s had so much therapy he doesn’t need any for the rest of his life.  He doesn’t believe in any of the horse hoof therapy but maybe the horse did understand his fears.  Tre reminds us Juicy is a truthful guy and doesn’t deserve any of this.  Um, truthful isn’t what got him into this mess.  I think this is about the illegally going into the DMV with someone else’s paperwork claiming to be them.  I don’t know what morality book you read from, but that’s not truthful.  Juicy was relieved to let it out, he’s not a criminal who doesn’t belong in jail but you never know what will happen and you can’t help but feel for the guy.  OK, for a hot second, but there was that brief look of what the hell do I do now that I sort of felt bad for.  Again, hot second on that one.  Teresa doesn’t want Juicy to be scared of anything because it makes her scared, but they are a team and they’ll make it through it.

Drum Beats

It’s dusk at the resort and Tony Redhouse is there to explain the dynamics of drumming for Native Americans.  He wants the group to create a heartbeat together to unite them to pulse like one heartbeat, and Joey thinks every day is weirder and weirder.

Rosie stops the group to tell them she doesn’t think Kathy gets the support she needs like when she was up with the horse – and Melissa rolls her eyes as Teresa glances another direction and tongues her lips.  Kathy is learning about herself and while Rosie wants her to be more assertive she can handle the group.  She tells everyone she’s always ready to be there for them and wants to feel the same from them.  While Jac hugs her and tells her she’s got her back, Teresa calls it a Marsha, Marsha, Marsha moment.  Nice Tre, if it’s not all about you… it’s not worth being involved is it?

Horsing Around

Yeah, and then this happened... makes me wish they went back to pushing and shoving

Yeah, and then this happened… makes me wish they went back to pushing and shoving

Clearly the wine is flowing because Juicy wants to reevaluate everyone and he’ll be the horse and Caroline will be the therapist.  Rosie thinks he wants to role play and it turns into Joey trying to hump Juicy.  (eye roll)

Teresa wants paper so she and Jacqueline can have another burning ceremony outside.  She wants Jac to talk about things that are bothering her about Teresa so they can move past it and start fresh.  Oh I smell a fight coming.  Jac brings up the comment Teresa made about karma and hopes she didn’t mean that about Nicholas.  Teresa tells her she took it the wrong way and she was talking about herself.  On a side note, I wish as a friend Teresa would just fix that piece of hair Jac has sticking out.  See, that’s how you can tell a true friend, they’ll pluck something off your hair or clothing, point out a piece of food on your teeth or hold your hair while you vomit (that’s the second time I’ve talked about vomit in this post… odd).  Jacqueline is afraid to disappoint Teresa, and Teresa wants to be there for Jac and give her more attention.  Jac is being pulled back in by Teresa’s gravity and tells her how she’s like the horse and Jacqueline wants to connect with her.  It’s all out, and now Teresa thinks they can repair their friendship.

Bottom Line:

I’m doubtful this Melissa / Teresa feud will ever end, but at least the others are getting a little something out of their therapy sessions.


One response to “Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 14: Horse Whisper to a Scream

  1. 3 seconds is as much time as anyone (horse or otherwise) needs to figure you out, Melissa! There is nothing there. No there there. When asked what she was feeling, and answering, “tendons” was classic bimbo. She couldn’t follow the thread of everyone else’s therapy thus far? Dumb ass. It reminded me of the Napa trip when Melissa’s canoe capsized into the river and she screamed bloody murder. First time something natural touched her skin? besides all the dead animal skins she wears. Same trip that imbecile Teresa thought Californians were the stupid ones for naming our bridge the Golden Gate when it isn’t painted gold; the Golden Gate is the name of the ocean’s entrance to the Bay, genius. I’ve had it with both these girls; how have they made it through life so far as vain, vapid, stupid, and vacant as they are? Rich makes jokes to distract everyone from knowing that he’s even more stupid than Melissa and Teresa. I hope some day Kathy snaps and cuts his brain off.

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