Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 13: Spaghetti Western & Meatballs

One Sentence Summary:  Tears are flowing, and this time they aren’t mine at the thought of another hour listening to Teresa.

Melissa’s Thoughts: 

The finest Jersey travel gear... maybe he can find one in orange.

The finest Jersey travel gear… maybe he can find one in orange.

Yes, the gang is headed off to Arizona and if the previews are any indication there’s gonna be some tears for the crew.  Yes, I tore myself away from my fire pit glass of vino for this business.  OK, truth be told it was getting a little cold out there and the fire was starting to die.  I figured I should bring myself back down to reality and prepare for the week ahead, and what better way to crash the high of a relaxing weekend with a dose of Teresa’s screeching.  Hopefully it’s not migraine inducing like last week… though I won’t hold my breath.

Still Selling It

No, body language never speaks volumes... and this certainly isn't saying "that's a crock of shit Tre"

No, body language never speaks volumes… and this certainly isn’t saying “that’s a crock of shit Tre”

Teresa is doing cooking classes too?  The rumors aren’t going to get in her way now that Penny has validated her.  Really?  That’s what she’s banking on?  It looks like Kathy is up for the Teresa debrief just in case anyone missed last week and Teresa can sell her story yet again that she wasn’t involved in any wrong doing.  Right Tre, you’re going to Jedi mind-trick us?  Kathy thinks Jan has nerve to show her face after all the trouble she caused but Teresa tries to explain to Kathy that if she was Melissa she would want to confront the people talking about her.  Of course the main goal of everything was so Melissa could see Teresa had nothing to do with the rumors.  Riiiiiight… “these are not the droids you are looking for”.

Can’t Anyone Pack?

At least Melissa isn’t buying the mind tricks and is still wary of Teresa.  Here’s the thing though, why wouldn’t Joey get them their own place for Melissa’s birthday?  Especially when you still think there’s a chance Teresa had some involvement with the rumor scandal.  Have these people not learned lessons from the past?  Show me one Housewife trip from ANY of the series that has gone smoothly?  No for real, when?  Oh, never one to disappoint me… after Melissa says she can’t wait to get into a bikini and have a massage, Joe pipes in with “I can’t wait to get into something”.  Word of advice here Joey sweetie… that schtick is getting old.

WTF are those boots Rich?  What the hell is up with these men that it’s all about the innuendoes tonight?  Please don’t let this be a running theme for the trip, I really don’t think I could take it.  Rich complains that it’s been a little chilly at night with Kathy and doesn’t know why.  Rich honey, I think you’re lucky your wife is cold at night… the alternative is smothering you with a pillow.  Enjoy the chill.

At Caroline’s I can’t help but think how cute Albert is!  They’re hoping to enjoy the alone time and reconnect.  For real, I love these two!!

And the Dumbest Packing Goes To… 

Just in case there's a pole in the villa I want to be ready.

Just in case there’s a pole in the villa I want to be ready.

What’s with all the bikinis Tre?  We get it, you love your body and you think if you keep showing it to use we’ll love it too.  Listen to your daughter when she tells you to throw away the stripper-kini.  Gia is wise beyond her years.  Well, I mostly say that because she’s the only one in your family who looks like she constantly regrets her genetics.

The Lauritas are the final couple to be heard from and Jacqueline questions if she can sear heels yet.  You know, because there will be hiking there.  Here’s the deal friends, I’m not the most outdoorsy gal… well, my interpretation of “outdoorsy” is drinking wine on the deck or at the fire pit.  But even in my limited experience being outdoorsy I’m thinking hiking isn’t done in heels.  I know, I make such bold statements don’t I?  Jacqueline thinks it’s strange not wanting Teresa back in her life, but now that she’s there she feels like things were before.  However she’s not sure if she’s really changed because she thought all was well in Cali when they hugged it out on their last trip together.  Part of her wishes they had the fun relationship they used to have.

Now Departing

I guess the camera crew had a separate flight because we’re treated to home movies from the gang while they scream over each other trying to have a good time on the flight.  I can’t imagine those poor people on that flight wanting a little peace and quiet and having ‘Jersey in da HOUSE’.

Unfortunately the Laurite / Manzo flight is delayed… for HOURS.  Well, maybe that’s a blessing that they aren’t on the flight with the others.  At least they can hang out together.

Miraval Resort & Spa

Really Teresa, did you think Arizona wasn’t going to be hot?  Oh this poor Carol Stratford has no clue how badly she’s going to pay for a little “free publicity” hosting the Housewives.  Clearly someone hasn’t seen the show.  The resort is about finding balance serenity and inner peace… all things this group doesn’t seem to have.  Upon hearing they’re in the quiet area Rich gets all up in arms cursing in his confessional and immediately I’m reminded why I sometimes find it embarrassing to tell people I live in New Jersey.  Way to represent there Richie, you’re at a spa not one of your strip clubs you love so much.

WOW, 16 hours and the poor travel weary Lauritas and Manzos finally arrive.  I’m thinking someone is going to be a little grumpy tonight and not feel up for the antics.  Just a guess.

That’s a pretty villa for sure, but as the group starts sipping their wine and wondering if they terrace doors stay open all night and wild animals start roaming the place Melissa is still laid up in bed with her sunglasses on asking for water.  Clearly no one is going to hear you Melis, give it up and take a nap.  Really Teresa with the screaming over a bug?  We have those in Jersey, take it down a notch.

Meanwhile Rich is complaining about the house and his sense of claustrophobia.  Yeah, that pillow to the face is looking pretty good right about now isn’t it Kath?

As the bus pulls into the resort Caroline jokes it is not their scene and they don’t blend.  I want to hope that was a My Cousin Vinnie quote because then I’ll just have to love her all the more working movie quotes into her life.  At least they’re greeted with smoothies too.

Down Time

So confused by this in so many ways.

So confused by this in so many ways.

While chilling poolside, Teresa does some push ups (not sure why) and Melissa sneezes to sell her cold.  Rich of course not happy with a free trip comes booming in cursing and blaming Joey for his room.  OMG, did he really just tell Melissa to watch her camel toe?  STFU, you would be so left out in the cold if I had anything to say about it.  We’ll keep Kathy, but you get locked out with the coyotes.

In their room Caroline tells Albert he’s not allowed to use his phone and worries  if he’ll like it or go crazy.  Jury is still out I must say.

Jacqueline is appreciating the Zen before meeting up with everyone.  Yes, enjoy it now.  Embrace it lovingly like I embrace a bottle of pinot because that Zen might be what you need to get through this trip.

There’s a bat in the cave!  No, sorry I wen’t 10 year old boy on you there.  There’s a bat in the villa and all the folks are screaming.  Pop open a door and it will fly out!  The poor thing.  I’m sure the last place it ever thought it would be was trapped and surrounded by screaming Jerseyites.

Dinner In

While everyone gets dinner started Teresa muses that it’s easy being Jacqueline’s friend.  I’m really not sure what the hell she’s talking about because she’s basically complained about her the whole first half of this season, but whatever, maybe she’s drunk.

Look at my Albert grilling up a storm!  Yet just another item for the I heart Albert Manzo list.  Seems there’s going to be an energy healer at the spa that evening and they can find out if people are looking over them.  Oh boy I’m totally about to check out because this stuff freaks me out.  There’s the healer / medium Tina.  Did we learn nothing from the mediums of the past?  Hello, it was only 2 seasons ago on Beverly Hills!!  That night went down in FLAMES!!

Happy Medium

Wait til they see their bill with my service charge.

Wait til they see their bill with my service charge.

So this lady is going with Joe and Maria.  Really?  I’m no Kreskin, but I’m thinking with a group of Italians odds are will have a dead Joe or Maria somewhere in the family tree.  Looks like our healer needs to re-think this approach.  Albert questions if she’s able to turn the voices off, but I’m thinking he just wants her to turn them off and head on out.  Now our healer / medium is going with the telephone game that things were misconstrued and of course at this point Teresa is all in because she’s being validated by dead people.  Blood is thicker than water, and Teresa and Melissa need to have each other’s backs is what they’re interpreting from what she is saying.

Next up is someone who died from heart issues and that’s Rich’s Dad who tells him he’s OK and wants him to get the old movies out to watch and he’ll be there watching them with him.  OK, now is about when my hair starts to tingle and I get freaked out.  Rich is clearly moved by the conversation as he’s not been able to watch his wedding video because he’s missed his dad so much.  The person also thanks Kathy for putting up with Rich (OK, my interpretation) and thinks of her like a daughter.  Next up the person with the cancer in the front of the body or the smoker with the lungs and it’s Kathy’s father and she questions if he had trouble walking.  Both Rosie and Kathy are moved to hear their father is with them and his legs are fine and he can dance.

Wow, are rare moment of Rich being normal is something I like.  He wants to go home and watch the wedding video with his kids.

While the group chats their takes on the medium (and Melissa whines about not feeling good) Teresa, Kathy and Rosie are out by the fire pit talking about how emotional it was.  Kathy thinks when the medium said “I hear you” she was talking to Kathy who tells them the story of talking to her dad thanking him for all he and her mom have given to her, he responded with wanting her and the siblings to talk.  She had wanted him to say he loved her too, and she was upset for a while after he died.  Rosie was the one who always felt the love from their father while Kathy always wanted just one moment.  She realizes the “I heard you” meant he understood what she wanted.  Kathy tells Teresa she thinks thinks her father needs to experience Tre and Joey together and working through their problems.

Next Day

Dawn breaks on another day with Melissa hacking and coughing while Joey reminds her she had 3 babies and needs to toughen up.  Way to support Joey.  Of course while hacking and coughing Joey is feeling frisky (eye roll).  They discuss what they think about the situation with Teresa and was she involved in everything.  Melissa thinks if Teresa just admitted involvement she would trust her more.


Those morons are out in this heat while I'm here sipping cold cocktails... Happy Birthday to ME!

Those morons are out in this heat while I’m here sipping cold cocktails… Happy Birthday to ME!

This hike should be interesting.  Do you think Jacqueline is wearing her heels?  Their overly zealous-one-with-nature-find-your-balance guide tells them they’ve made a great decision to start their new year there finding their inner peace and later they’re going to dance naked in the moonlight.  No, I jest.  I have a feeling it’s part of some package they offer there though.  What happened to the spa is what I’d like to know (and I’m sure the ladies are wondering too).  Yeah, Caroline is buying this about as much as I am.  I feel for you my dear, I do.

Joey can’t believe they’re actually in the desert (I guess the cacti weren’t enough evidence for him), but their guide reminds them that yes they are in the desert, and they should stay on the trail.  Teresa considers herself outdoorsey because she likes to hike (yes, we can tell by your hiking gear that doesn’t even include a bra) and lay out but isn’t really sure what other outdoorsey things she likes.  Pffft, she calls herself outdoorsy when she doesn’t even drink outside?

Really Juicy, they say you get dehydrated in the desert?  SHUT UP, really?  Thank you so much for that Public Service Announcement!  While the crew marches on complaining about how hot the sun is, Melissa leverages that desert sun to work on her tan.

Circle of Trust

Oh my, there’s some hinky shit about to happen to the Jersey folks.  Yes, a cleansing and purifying session to burn that which they are wanting to let go.  Rich is burnt out (no pun intended) by all the therapy sessions, and Albert announces that he’ll opt out of the session.  Caroline decides she’s going to release “worry” because she wants Albert to let his walls down a little.  Joey will release “anger” and “hate” – even though he thinks Tre is involved with the incidents, he’ll pretend.  Kathy is releasing putting everyone’s needs before her own, even though it makes her feel good, she’s done being taken for granted and her voice will be heard.  Oh no, it’s another Housewife finding her voice.  Let’s hope she isn’t as annoying with hers as Alex (RHONY) was.  Jacqueline goes with “reacting to negativity” or “letting go of ill feelings toward people who have hurt her in the past”.  Teresa finds herself very emotional listening to everyone who had had a problem with her, so she’s going to call on Joey, Kathy and Jac… oh and Rich and Caroline.  OK, everyone but Rosie really.  They all hold hands as Teresa tells them all she’s in a good place with everyone and wants to keep it there.  Tre wants to invite in love, happiness, joy, friendship, reuniting and then Jac and Tre hug it out.  Jac thinks being with Tre makes me miss her.  They wander from the group to talk about wanting the friendship to work.  Jac hates that things got so ugly.  Tre reminds her they all go through things in live but they sometines take it out on people.  She’s worried about karma coming back on her daughters which makes both Jac and Me question what she’s talking about.

Bottom Line:

All this being one with nature makes me want to go back outside to my fire pit and be more outdoorsy.


2 responses to “Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 13: Spaghetti Western & Meatballs

  1. Seriously, does Tre think that her screeching is cute or sexy? Does her mind have any capacity for self-awareness? And why oh why does anyone take Richie anywhere? He is out of his depth outside a toilet bowl; the contents of which match his brain matter and its all he could ever grasp or comprehend.

    • Why it’s both cute AND sexy!! I doubt that mind could even spell ‘self-awareness’ much less process it. I think Rich is clinging to his Bravo contract milking it for all it’s worth… you can tell Kathy is getting a bit sick of his screen time.

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