One Sentence Summary: Adriana continues to challenge everything we thought we knew about marriage.
Rachel: So, I was just realizing that Bravo brought these bitches back for another season before the New York ladies. I’m pretty sure that means that technically it’s not their turn and I would like to start a petition to right this wrong. I won’t. I’m too lazy. But it would be a raging success, I’m sure. Anywho, I don’t have much to give today as far as Miami pontification. Just the title of the episode alone is painful enough. Lord knows how bad it’s really going to be. Ugh, let’s just get this over with…
Melissa: Well, I’m back for the Miami ladies… YAWN. Even my DVR doesn’t want to deal with these women. I swear, the other Winey Bitch told me it was starting, but since I didn’t see it in my queue, I just thought she had been drinking more than usual and had her weeks confused. Nope, it was Direct TV boycotting their renewal. I seriously don’t know why Bravo hangs on to these ladies other than for Elsa. Quite frankly, I’d much rather watch an entire series around her drinking and one-liners. Who am I kidding? I want to be Elsa in about say 15 years (minus the bad procedures). Anyway, thanks to my lovely partner’s review I’m all caught up with the snoozefest and ready to pick up right where we left them… acting like over-privileged snots trying to make us feel for their “plights”.
Just Sign Here
Rachel: Romain & Joanna are blissfully having breakfast in bed. After he gifted her with a car, he tells her he is now gifting her with a house. Good lord, she should have booted her sister out years ago. Look at the change in attitude from the hot man in your bed! But clearly she hasn’t clued into that fact, because she just brought Marta up. He hasn’t quite forgiven Marta for trying to sabotage their relationship so he’s not all that concerned that Joanna thinks she might not make the wedding.
So let’s change the subject and discuss wedding dresses. He wants to get her a designer, but she’s already hired one to sketch up a sexy dress for her. Now, we have a smiling Romain again. But this relationship is an unending roller coaster, so what goes up must come down… And this drop on the tracks happens when Romain brings up a prenup. He thinks they should have one. Joanna thinks that the car & the house was just bait to get her prepped for this little bomb. Needless to say, she doesn’t take it well and maybe she should have him sign one too. So, have him sign one then, crazy. He thinks it’s an insurance policy. She’s thinks it’s an expectation of failure. I think she needs valium.
Melissa: Really, Joanna gets breakfast made for her?? I love Romain. Seriously. I can’t believe these two aren’t married yet. I also can’t believe Marta has moved on from the gravy train. Granted, she apparently found herself another one and isn’t exactly standing on her own two feet. Here’s the thing about prenups, in my humble opinion; just sign the damn thing. It’s not saying you’re going to divorce. It’s just making sure shit is covered if you do. And guess what, BOTH PARTIES get to contribute. Use it to cover your own ass. Sheesh, think people.
Rachel: Alexia and Marysol are, um, jogging. I guess that’s what you can call it. They take a break and Alexia asks about Elsa. Marysol says seeing her in the hospital was the worst day of her life, but she’s getting better every day. She’s in and out of consciousness, but she has hope that she’ll be fine. Alexia knows the pain… though Frankie’s condition was worse. Uh, did you need to say that? But Alexia is there to support her through this.
Melissa: Why the hell do we need to pretend the ladies workout together? Um, hello, Debby Downers. I get it. Elsa not getting to be Elsa is worthy of stress and tears, but thinking about it is making me sad and I’m already predisposed to not want to watch these housewives.
Rachel: Adriana is home in bed and still mad at Frederic. They haven’t spoken in days and he would like to work it out. She doesn’t feel like it. She feels like lying in bed, pouting and ignoring him. He calls her a child at the same time as apologizing to her for hurting her by calling off the wedding. You gotta love an apology that starts off with name calling… not that he’s wrong. She slowly (and sulkily) starts to come around and talk to him. Lord, how does he put up with her shit? She must really work it out in the bedroom.
Now that she’s actually speaking to him, she tells Frederic that Leah refused to come to Lisa’s and confront her in front of everyone. Well yeah, I have yet to understand the thought process that says that personal issues are fodder for group outings. But that’s why I’m not a Housewife, clearly. Lea has since texted Adriana to have a private meeting at her house. Adriana has agreed for her son’s sake and only that. Naturally.
Melissa: Really Adriana with the sulking? You’re such a child. No one cares about the stupid article about your secret marriage. Well, I mean it’s a Housewives’ “scandal” and you pissed off Lea so we need to milk that for a bit, but let’s be honest… it’s already yawn-worthy.
Get A Hobby
Rachel: So, as if the whole “let me get my maid plastic surgery” wasn’t weird enough, Lisa now has her dressed up in a French maid uniform and is doing a sexy photo shoot with her. It’s just Lisa’s “mother hen” complex. She can’t stop herself from helping someone when she sees they’re in need. That really is pure charity, Lisa. You’re such a giver. Why people waste their breath talking about Gandhi when we have Lisa Hochstein, I’ll never understand.
Along with being a saint, she is also fighting against the evil preservationists that don’t want her & Lenny to tear down the home they bought on Star Island. I guess they think it’s the Scarface house, even though it’s not. But reading more about the suit – yes, I actually looked something up – it seems the preservationists are more concerned with keeping some of Miami’s original architecture in tact than they are with the Scarface legacy. But let’s move on… The real concern here is that Daysy has created a successful cleaning business and is no longer interested in cleaning herself. This does not please Lisa. Who is supposed to clean her house (and entertain the bored Housewife) now? Oh, the tragedies life throws her. How ever does she cope?
Melissa: Oh, it’s my favorite ditzy Housewife and clearly she has a bit of a lady crush on Daysy. I think if I asked my cleaning lady to dress up in a French Maid costume for me, she’d storm right out calling me all sorts of a freak. So Lisa’s thinking is to date someone older so they can’t leave you for someone younger? Um, how does that even make sense if you think about if for a mere second? Oh sorry… I forgot who I was talking about here. Wait, Lisa works? Oh, she means reworking the Star Island House. Yes, that IS such tough work. What ever will she do without her paid faithful sidekick? Next thing you know she’ll be asking her esthetician out for coffee to see if they’re a match.
Rachel: Alexia is revamping her closet, which by the way, is the size of most people’s apartments. Wait, apparently revamping means adding decor, not getting rid of things she no longer wears. This is a necessity, Alexia tells us. I clearly live in a very different world because I’m pretty sure putting vases in my airplane-hangar-sized closet is a luxury, not a necessity.
Melissa: HOLY SHIT, that’s her closet??? I think that’s bigger than my college apartment! Do we really need to hear her say it’s a necessity and not a luxury? Yes, I’m sure people support your NEED to have a boutique closet bigger than most middle-class homes. These women are just ridiculous.
Here Comes The Bridezilla
Rachel: Adriana meets up with her wedding planner to discuss her terrible hair. Er, I mean her wedding plans. But seriously, her hair is terrible. Anyway, she wants a wedding for the history books. Let’s just make it down the aisle, shall we? She wants to arrive at the church in a hot air balloon. That’s practical. Oh, and everyone will be in white, while she will be in color. Apparently, this would then make more sense if she arrives in a gondola according to her wedding planner. Duh, everyone knows, white wedding dresses are for hot air balloons, but a colored dress screams gondola. WTF goes on in people’s heads? And all of this has to be done in 6 weeks. Godspeed, sir.
Melissa: So lemme get this straight. NOW she wants a big old wedding ceremony and she needs to arrive in a hot air balloon? And in 6 weeks. Again, ridiculous… Beyond delusional.
Million Dollar Ghetto
Rachel: Lenny & Lisa go to check out their house now that they were able to remove the former tenants, who were squatting. I have to say, this house is really disgusting. It really looks like a crack house inside. How does that happen? Lenny thinks there’s nothing about this house that is special or unique so the preservationists have no case. Well, not inside, but it’s pretty gorgeous outside. So, gut the shit and leave the shell. Everyone’s happy!
Lenny has a surprise for Lisa… a construction helmet. He says that it’s for her to start the process of taking down the house. He hands her a giant sledgehammer and tells her to take the first swing. Seeing as how she’s in a skin-tight dress and stiletto platforms, she barely manages to get the thing off the ground. Let’s just say it was a swing and a miss. Yeah, let’s leave the construction to people who actually have held a power tool before.
Melissa: YIPES… I hate dolls!! You know the old tenants put that in the house trying to bring some bad juju to the new owners. Really Lisa, are you thinking there’s going to be toilet paper in the house? Oh Lisa swinging a sledgehammer is priceless! Put your back into it.
Rachel: Alexia and Marysol are Adriana’s bridesmaids because they won’t stab her on her back. Can someone please tell her it’s IN her back? They’re wedding dress shopping and I’m pretty sure that dress she’s got on is white. Guess she really wanted to go with the hot air balloon.
On the other side of town, Joanna & Lea are shopping for bridal shoes for Joanna. Lisa, who still can’t figure out how to drive her Ferrari, shows up for some shopping as well. Joanna brings up the prenup. Lisa says she signed one and had no issue with it. She expected it from Lenny. Lea doesn’t have one, but she thinks Joanna should look at what it says before making any decisions. Lea, in her one-on-one, says she doesn’t like prenups because it un-levels the playing field and gives the man permission to do whatever he wants. I guess if it’s a really shitty prenup, yeah. But hopefully Joanna has a better lawyer than that. Lea wonders if this is a postponement tactic by Romain. Shut up, Lea. Lisa says that maybe since they’ve broken up 600 times, it’s a security move for him. Yeah, I’m gonna go with that story.
Back at the bridal shop, Adriana (what goes on with her hair????) tells the girls that she is scared that Frederic will call off the wedding again. It’s also hard overcoming all the pain it caused and facing the people that were supposed to be her friends… aka: Lea. Are we going to have to listen to this all season? I think we all know the answer.
And we bounce back to Lea telling Lisa that she’s not sure she can trust Adriana after her lying to her about her station in life as a single mother when she’s been married to a millionaire.
And back again to Adriana crying about how Lea knew the truth all along and betrayed her friendship. She’s the one pointing fingers and creating havoc like she has no glass roof. Oh, Adriana, please stop trying to use English metaphors. Please.
But Lea was REALLY the hurt one since she was lead to believe Adriana had no one to support her. My question is, wasn’t Adriana living with Frederic this whole time? I mean what were the dire straits then? But Lea will hear her out, though she won’t apologize. Well, that should work well.
Melissa: Oh joy… Wedding dress shopping for Adriana (eye roll).
So will this be the battle of the bridal shopping with Lea and Joanna in one corner and Adriana and her posse in another? Looks like Lisa took Joanna’s side in the wedding wars. Hang on now, a prenup un-levels the playing field, Lea? It’s also a way to shake a gold-digger.
Ugh, I hate to say it, but I get Lea’s point of view on this. I was invested with the single mom with a heart of gold story too. Well, not so much the heart of gold, but I have love for all the single parents out there. Do you think the other ladies think this drama is laughable?
Rachel: Adriana heads over to Lea’s for the “talk”… in a taxi. Does she not drive? Ah, her car broke down. Lea starts by saying that she thought they were good enough friends that she could trust her. Adriana told her all these reasons why they couldn’t get married and yet she was actually married. Adriana says that’s not the case. They got the license but they didn’t have the wedding. Lea says that they got the license in November, but actually got married in December according to public records. Record scratch… Adriana? How do you explain that one? That’s a whole different ball of wax. She doesn’t answer. She just deflects and accuses Lea of cross-examining her. Adriana goes back to say that yes, she has a marriage license but this isn’t a marriage because there wasn’t ceremony. Frederic can still call it off and just leave her. Uh, no. If you’re married, even “just on paper”, you can’t just walk away. The court doesn’t care if you don’t feel married. I would love to live in Adriana’s world of imaginary rules.
But Adriana wants to discuss Lea being upset about Ana and Adriana not defending Lea. Yeah, I’m sure you want to change the subject. Adriana thinks Lea planted the marriage story in the paper in retaliation. Lea says no, it wasn’t her. Adriana says yes it was and starts screaming. Lea is a wicked sister that has been planning her demise all along. Oh Lord. Lea says she helped her because she was a single struggling mom, which it turns out she wasn’t. Adriana says that was before Frederic. Lea says no. So, either they’re both delusional or one of them is a crazy liar. I am going to say the liar is Adriana. Lea paid for Alex’s tuition, which Adriana admits is true, but it’s not a fair point because Lea is just throwing it in her face. What? She’s done with Lea’s “Draconian antics” and storms out… into the rain… with no umbrella… and no car. Genius. Lea goes out with an umbrella to bring her back in, but Adriana doesn’t want any more charity for Lea to brag about. Oy vey…
Melissa: HA… Love the storm clouds approaching! No Adriana, Les saying you look nice is her being polite, not acting like nothing happened. Would you prefer she say that you look absurd, you twit? So according to Adriana, a wedding is different from a marriage. Legally she’s married but she does’t FEEL married. Well I might be on my third glass of wine today but I don’t FEEL like an alcoholic. OMG, this woman is completely insane!! You know I don’t often side with Lea, but come on Adriana, if you’re married you can’t play the single parent card. You. Cannnot. I don’t care if you don’t FEEL married. The fact of the matter is that you are! It is literally taking all my strength not to hurl my glass at the television!
So Lea paid for her son to go to school and Adriana isn’t even grateful for that? Sweet Mary, this woman is deranged. Really she’s going to stand out in the rain? I guess she doesn’t FEEL the rain.
Rachel: I think Adriana is operating in a world that no one but she lives in. A very misguided and delusional world… with bad hair.
Melissa: I suppose my DVR had a valid point trying to boycott this show. I can’t believe I have a whole season of this.