Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 12: Hair-Binger of Doom

One Sentence Summary:  Sadly not even a single pair pull happened at the weave party.

Melissa’s Thoughts: 

I'm innocent I tell you... I don't know ANY of these people I invited to my party.

I’m innocent I tell you… I don’t know ANY of these people I invited to my party.

Yes I’m late again… Sorry friends, I even had to come back and re-write my intro.  I’ve gone completely shake a shiny object when it’s time to watch the Jersey ladies.  Even now knowing I’m behind I’ve checked Amazon to check my daily deal , logged into ebay to check a purse I bid on yesterday, and my son just asked for help with the rainbow loom bracelet he’s making for my husband – it would make me a bad Mommy if I didn’t drop everything to help.  Plus, now I’m not saying Teresa and her family causes migraines, but the fact of the matter is I was laid up for 2 days with a migraine the day after the episode first aired.  I’m not saying Teresa is to blame… But I’m not saying she isn’t.  You be the judge.

Gossip Girls

Yes, because Life & Style is where one goes for true stories

Story aside… doesn’t Melissa’s nose look funny in this picture?

WOW Teresa and Melissa are still hanging tough with this “friendship”.  Yep, and the head starts to pulse.  I swear I wish those kids had a volume control.  Seriously I couldn’t even hear what Tre’s new hairline is going to be called with all the howling.  Yes folks, you too can have your own “Jersey hair” just ring up Teresa’s empire for a bag.  Always needing to show off for each other, Melissa brings out the mock up book cover and while she looks beautiful, Teresa can’t help but wonder where Joey is as it’s supposed to be about their perfect marriage.

So Life & Style ran an article that Melissa cheated and it’s really upsetting her.  The always savvy Teresa tells her to ignore it.  Her guiding mantra is if you ignore it, it goes away.  I guess she’ll trying to ignore that inditement she’ll be facing soon.  Wonder if that will be next season’t drama?  Anyway, Melissa isn’t sure if it was Teresa and her army who planted the seed.

Home Sweet Home

a tender moment of reuniting

a tender moment of post procedure reuniting

Here’s our girl fresh from recovery wishing they had done her eyes as well.  Geez Jacqueline!!  Nicholas has been feeling separated from Jacqueline so Chris wants to make sure CJ gets to greet mom first.  Oh look at that greeting when Jacqueline walks in the door and Nicholas sees her… oh I just teared up a bit there.

Kathy’s Annoyance

Blissful moment of silence as Rich shoves his salad in his mouth.

Blissful moment of silence as Rich shoves his salad in his mouth.

Of course Rich knows how to do the shopping… He knows how to do everything, and he’ll be the first to tell you.  See, that’s why it’s so annoying to shop with the husbands, they just get in the way.  Joey calls him up and invites him out to a cigar bar which he thinks (read:  hopes) is a strip club.  Really Rich?  Though I guess don’t roll their eyes at you when you’re making it rain.  Kathy progressing with her cannelloni business and while talking to the bakery lady trying to understand their sourcing Rich can’t keep his mouth shut because he knows what to do and she just needs to allow him to jump in.  Well first of all Rich, I don’t think the nice lady behind the counter at the A&P is making any buying decisions for the store so just STFU and let your wife have her little fact finding session.  I swear I don’t know how she hasn’t taken off that jaunty red hat of hers and started smacking you with it.  I would.

As the boys gather for cigars Rich still asks why they aren’t at the strip club.  Um, because that’s not what they invited you to do.  Man you are a numbskull.  Yeah, I just used numbskull. Am I wrong??  While the food arrives Joey shares in his confessional that no disrespect to Chris but Jac didn’t need anything done, but Melissa he’d like so see with bigger boobs.  He wants to do something nice for Melissa’s birthday and asks the boys for help.  HOLY SHIT I’m laughing my ass off that Joey actually admitted that one time they were together she was texting.  Oh, that’s precious!!  At the ribbing of the boys Joey stabs the bar with his knife and his bartender is none too happy with his antics.  They boys think maybe a vacation could do the trick and Joey thinks they should ask everyone to go, he’s ready to move forward in hopes Tre isn’t behind the cheating article.

Side bar:  I just spent 20 minutes on looking for houses in town.  I’m not even in the market for a new house.  You see what this show does to me?!

Old School vs. New

An awkward dinner out for Lauren and Vito turns into talk slowing the pace of their relationship

Too bad Vito missed the memo that Lauren has decided to become new school and focus on herself and not marriage and family.

So we’re back at Caroline’s apartment and they boys think Caroline’s new rug should be in a different room and Albert in a his usual display of ALbert-ness can’t be bothered with the furniture, why wouldn’t she just get a decorator and be done with it.  Lauren thinks her parents relationship is old school and not for her.  I see this ending poorly for sweet Vito.

So later at dinner Lauren confesses Vito doesn’t like to do much and she doesn’t want to get fat and bored with him.  She’s not sure she wants to get engaged to Vito because before her life was about him and now it’s her business.  She doesn’t want to rush but he thinks maybe moving in together would be a good next step for them.  Lauren quickly reinforces it’s not the right time to take the next step in the relationship.  Maybe 5 years from now she’ll be ready to move forward.

At Least there are Dancers Rich

Making it rain

You know Rich was hoping he could be the one to make it rain

Oh I need to check this Moroccan restaurant out.  When Joey mentions wanting to go away for Melissa’s birthday she quickly jumps to Vegas but he pushes the spa.  Oh, and inviting everyone else… to which her face completely drops.  Nice recovery Melis, but the camera catches everything.  She for sure doesn’t want it to be stressful with Teresa and Juicy.  The rest of the gang arrives and decide to have a seat instead of hanging at the bar.  Trying to be cool with her hookah poor Melissa ends up with a coughing fit.  Nice sell there Joey that the spa is a healing place, but all Juicy can think about is Vegas.  Joey thinks it’s a great idea because everyone gets along on vacation.  Um, clearly he’s forgotten their last vacation.

Hair Brained Idea 

Clearly Melissa worries that the invite to the launch party might be a set up... or that she needs to get more puffy coats for the family.

Clearly Melissa worries that the invite to the launch party might be a set up… or that she questions her choices to have matching puffy coats for the family.

Oh, cute it’s the puffy coat family.  Teresa calls to invite Melissa to her product launch party but there’s a catch… Jan and Penny said they are coming too.  Yeah, you know the ones who started the rumor about Melissa cheating on Joey.  Tre isn’t friends with them, and they stirred all that shit with Melissa, but hey they’re salon owners so she needed to invite them.   Oh-ho… Might the plot thicken?  Doubtful.  Teresa thinks it’s an opportunity for Melissa to confront them.  Um, at a product launch party?!  I don’t think that’s what Dr. V meant by confronting problems.  Teresa says she has Melissa’s back and it’s the perfect time because when else will Melissa see them otherwise.  Melissa and Joey wonder what will happen at this point so Joey is going to go with her.

A Stroll 

Oh look Kathy took the opportunity to get away from Rich to visit Caroline.  They talk about the different houses and how Albert never goes in “his rooms” in the big house but is always in Caroline’s house.  Welcome to Kathy’s world but Rich never leaves so he’s basically up her ass telling her what to do all day.  OK, maybe I added that bit, but I can only imagine what that must be like.  Kathy shares that Rich keeps making decisions for her business and it’s pissing her off.  She doesn’t want her fun little vision to come between them.  Caroline suggests she sit Rich down and confront him on letting her run things her way.

Weaving Tales

Milania shows us her skills working the banister in her new bra.

Milania shows us her skills working the banister in her new bra.

With the shrieking… for real, that hurts my head!  Well, I would shriek too over Milania handling that banister like a pro.  Finally I realize the product line is named Milania.  I’m not sure why, but whatever.    Oh look it’s Kim D checking in on who is coming and of course hearing Melissa and Joey rolls her eyes.  What’s with the disco ball eyeshadow there Kimmy??  Hey, if they’re such good friends, why doesn’t Kimmy know everyone is in a good place and support her bestie?

Meanwhile, Melissa is at the nail salon (which reminds me I need a mani) with her besties Maria and Lisa to dish the dirt on Jan and the connection to the Life & Style magazine.  Seems the article tells that Melissa went out and had a quickie in the parking lot with an ex.  Does she LOOK like a woman who has sex in a parking lot?  Well, according to your hubs you have sex everywhere.

Teresa tells Kim the party will be an opportunity for Melissa to confront the ladies about the stories being told.  Yeah, and to stir drama.

Melissa wants to get rid of all the negative.

Get Out of the Kitchen

So Kathy whips up a lemon marscapone filling and her wonderfully supportive Rich says “basically a lemon custard”  UGH, he’s lucky she’s not wearing that red hat otherwise I think he’d be getting smacked right about now.  Rich wants to load everything up and head to the test kitchen, but Kathy sees no reason to but Rich doesn’t want to come into the house and have it smelling like a bakery.  If only he knew how much I pay in scented candles and essential oils to make my house smell like a bakery.  She decides to take Caroline’s advice and talk to Rich about the test kitchen and not wanting to use it.  Rich is done with helping her.

Hair Raising 

I guess Penny trying to show her support bought up all the bags of blonde hair Teresa was selling... not that they are friends.

Penny trying to show her support for Teresa’s new business venture bought up all the bags of blonde Teresa was selling… not that they are friends… NO… Teresa isn’t involved in the rumors.

Here we go with the Milania weave launch party and of course Jan arrives with Kim D and the other shit stirrers.  Holy Dr. Zhivago coat Melissa, I love it!  She’s going to need the warmth for the icy reception she’s about to get from her “old friends”.  They can’t understand why she’s there since she’s not involved with hair.  I mean it’s not like she’s related to the product owner or anything.  Girlfriend Jan thinks she has too many skeletons in her closed and she would never want to break up a marriage, but it’s not right.

Kimmy and her disco shadow and Tammy Faye lashes rolls up to pretend to burry the hatchet with Melissa and now hopefully things can be… “whatever”.  As the ladies pretend to exchange niceties Jan saunters up to thank Teresa for the invite and asks Melissa if she has something to say to her.  Melissa tries to calmly point out Jan’s lies until the subject of the ex comes up and Jan sticks to her guns that she was there that night and she’s done lying for Melissa.  Melissa wonders when Teresa is going to back her up but thinks she’s on her own with Jan.  Jan claims she was dragged into this and Melissa has too many skeletons under her bed.  Jan decides to take her leave but not before telling Melissa she deserves an Academy Award.  Teresa wants them to let it go and ignore everything.

As Joey says they should have written the article that he was cheating (you know, because that’s more believable) Kimmy’s friend Penny strolls over to congratulate Teresa and Penny and Melissa are introduced.  Funny these women only come around to say thanks when the cameras are rolling.  Penny says she said things and won’t deny it.  She also clarifies that she’s not friends with Teresa just acquaintances – so Teresa can’t be involved with any of this.  She was asked questions and brought into all of this.  Melissa doesn’t understand why Penny would contribute to an article about her while Teresa keeps insisting they aren’t friends in hopes a true connection to her and the article is made.  Penny was asked about the ex and some events, but Penny won’t divulge who asked her because clearly she has a moral compass she uses to guide her decisions and doesn’t want to cause problems.  Teresa doubles back to Anthony the strip club owner to make sure everyone knows she wasn’t involved in that either.  Melissa tells Teresa she should mingle with her guests but Teresa doesn’t want to leave to make sure everyone knows she’s not involved with anything.  Melissa asks Penny to stay out of her marriage and she walks off with the story still left untold.  Once again Teresa makes sure both Melissa and Joey know she wasn’t involved in anything because she would never do anything to hurt them.

Melissa still thinks there’s more to the story and I’m inclined to agree.

Bottom Line:

(sigh) That took a painful forever, however the upside is that I won the bid on the purse!


3 responses to “Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 12: Hair-Binger of Doom

  1. Here you go…..

  2. Ugh. I hate teresa more every single time I see her face. Teresa and Ashlee need to hang out and be bosom buddies, but surely nobody would get a word in edgewise while tooting their own horns. Gag (me with a spoon).

    And I may or may not have danced a lil jig when I saw the news about the indictment. Sorry, universe. It’s true. I rarely wish evil on anyone. Teresa and Juicy are the exception. I do feel sorry for their kids, though. Even queen of bad-ass Malania.

    Rich doesn’t bother me as much as he does you. I didn’t like the scene at the grocery store bakery, but he just doesn’t rub me so wrong. Yes, I’m questioning myself about this after reading your take.

    Lauren…again, ugh. I am mad at myself for what I’m about to say, but I think it’s true: Lauren would still be hanging on to the engagement she wanted before if she hadn’t lost weight. Sorry, I believe it. I’m happy for her that she’s gotten to that point, but I wish she’d kept it real and said that she thinks she can do better. (For the record, I like Vito. I think he’s great from what I’ve seen. But I’ve never known a woman – fat or skinny – who knows she’s with the right man and still “wants to wait”).

    Ok, so I thought I hated all the family drama and was sickened by Teresa acting like she was all about family and making up with her lover…I mean, brother. But now that they are making things look all hunky-dory (is that how you spell that?), I’m even more disgusted by the fakeness.

    • Oh Miss Mile High… I just find Teresa so hard to take period… can’t look at her, don’t want to listen to her, can’t take any more of her attitude about everything. It’s fine to dance a jig, just pretend there’s an awesome song in your head and no one will realize it’s at her misfortune.

      As for Rich I just don’t know how anyone hasn’t told him to STFU yet. I just don’t understand how one person can be so inappropriate and vulgar.

      Part of me thinks you might be right about Lauren and I adore Vito so it’s kind of not cool with me. Best to break it off if you don’t think it’s going to work.

      “Teresa acting like she was all about family and making up with her lover…I mean, brother.” – BAHAHAHA!! Exactly my friend!

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