Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 10: Best Frenemies Forver

One Sentence Summary:  Filled with thoughts of “fixing” things Teresa thinks she can fix Jacqueline… if only she’ll apologize to Teresa.

Melissa’s Thoughts: 

So yeah, I'm slowly ruining this show because I can't let these bitches have anything.

So yeah, I’m slowly ruining this show because I can’t let these bitches have anything.

So here’s the thing friends, I have NO CLUE what the Jersey peeps have going on this week.  I think they are headed home from their upstate jaunt which means there needs to be some Jacqueline happening.  I’m really just getting super tired of Teresa’s rants about how everyone is out to get her and everyone owes her something to make right for what they’ve done.  Really, I’d rather have my gums scraped than deal with more of Teresa.  Sadly, my dentist wasn’t available so I’ll need to watch instead… boy I was hoping for a good scraping instead.

Working It

No, her acting hasn't improved since her commercial days.

No, her acting hasn’t improved since her commercial days.

Melissa shows up to visit Joe at the muddy job site.  Hang on now, he’s getting a call from Rob at Sizzle Tans to do a billboard.  Back up the F-ing bus right now.  How is it I have not seen this billboard?  Oh right, I never leave Sparta unless it’s to go into the city or Newark to pick up the other Winey Bitch.  I think I need to be taking a road trip to see this craziness.  Anyway, Melissa doesn’t want to do the billboard with Joe because she doesn’t want Teresa to thing she’s “copying her” because Miss Tre did her own commercial for Sizzle Tans which I’ll admit, I watched 3 times “I tan, I spray, and I bring the heat to Jersey at Sizzle Tan”.  GENIUS!!  I’m sorry, too distracted pausing and rewinding like I’m looking for the hidden Mickey ears in a Disney movie.  I digress, showing how wise he is, Joey lets Melissa get behind the wheel of a bobcat (at least I think it’s a bobcat) and tool around a bit.  Yeah, that’s gonna set you back a few days with that mess.


Teresa and the girls get ready for the Gorgas to visit for dinner and it’s sunshine and rainbows getting ready for dinner… let’s see how long this lasts.

Prepping for War

Caroline and Jacqueline get into Jac’s debrief of the retreat mocking Teresa’s phone call to Caroline and here’s Melissa to fill in additional details.  Jac doesn’t understand why Teresa hates her so much, but Melissa tells her things are better and they’re having Sunday dinners again.  Caroline thinks for her sanity, Jac needs closure and so of course Caroline is going to intervene to make things right.  Jac thinks if Tre is ready to let go of the hate they could move forward, but she’s not sure Teresa can do it.

Dinner Time

Finally our parents got their heads out of their asses.. cheers!

Finally our parents got their heads out of their asses.. cheers!

Here we go, it’s time for the families to get together again and it’s all hugs and squeals.  Teresa is going to be a good sister in law and keep her mouth shut.  Not keeping his mouth shut is Joey talking about his Sizzle Tans billboard and of course Teresa thinks it’s cool.  Man I need to see this billboard.

Teresa raises a toast to her family and her love for everyone as the kids take off running.  Melissa fills Teresa in on stopping by Jac’s and the promise Teresa made to Caroline to talk to Jac.  Teresa tries to turn the story to Jacqueline’s destructive behavior talking about Juicy’s cheating, her fighting with Auntie Dina and Danielle.  Juicy tells her to move on it’s getting boring and I have to say I agree with him.  I know friends clearly my agreeing with Juicy 2 weeks in a row is a sure sign of the Apocalypse – start getting your things in order before the horsemen arrive.  Joey raises the last toast to thank the Giudices for the invite.  I have to say that went well.  I mean let’s see how they handle a holiday dinner after a few bottles of wine, but this is a start.

Coming Soon

The Manzo boys are meeting with the GM and his bucket and shovel ice cream sundae.  M’kay.  Don’t get me wrong, I can go at a sundae like it’s my job, but I don’t know I want to use a shovel bigger than my mouth.  Seems the boys are thinking to poach staff from their parents.  That’s going to create some awkward family dinners, though I’m sure the staff is smart enough not to leave an established restaurant with a steady paycheck for a start-up.  Who knows though, who knows.

Sibling Support

Back home after seeing the damage done with Teresa and Joey not liking each other’s partners she wants to make sure Rosie knows she supports her being gay but is worried about her getting hurt.  Rosie wants her to understand she feel alone with no one by her side.  She needs to go through 5 or 10 before she finds the right one.

Home Sweet Home… ish

I hate this tiny place... I want my comfy sofa from home.

I hate this tiny place… I want my comfy sofa from home.  While we’re at it, I could do without these cameras all the time.

Albert hates the Hoboken apartment because it’s not “home” yet.  So all the kids stop by for some dinner and catch up on what’s going on… you know, the typical Sunday Family dinner without the square footage.  The boys have a big trip to Florida planned but are still driven to get the restaurant done.  blk isn’t in a position to take money from it yet (which reminds me I still need to try it) so they need to get the restaurant up and running so they can draw a salary there.  Hmmm… ever think of a day job my friends?  I mean no offense, but a start-up isn’t going to be turning a profit any time soon.  Anyway, it seems the dinner is turning to an intervention for Albie who doesn’t have a life outside of work.  Albert tells the rest of them they can’t tell Albie to slow down and to Shut The F Up.  DAMN Albert, I like this side of you… sexy boyfriend!!  With that he excuses himself from the table and heads to the sofa.  The king has spoken.

Just Shoot Me

there are no words... only sizzzzzzle

there are no words… only sizzzzzzle

George Miquel is over at Melissa’s making her purdy for her first book cover shoot and she wants to remember this moment forever.  I’m thinking she’s pretty much going to remember anything that’s captured on video forever… that’s the magic of a DVR my dear.  Melissa’s idea for the cover is her in a man’s big white shirt and while the St. Martin’s Press designer Danielle Fiorella has to be questioning who she pissed off to be placed on this shoot.  Just go with it sweetie… let her “Melissa-ize” it and photoshop whatever you want later.

So Joey is also getting ready for his photo-shoot at Sizzle Tans.  Sweet Mary!  Joey is worried he only used lotion and is there oil to make him all shined and look bigger??  Oh what a cheesy photo-shoot!!  Seriously, in what universe does this much cheese happen?  Oh right, 40 minutes southwest from me.  Yes Joey, your shoot for Sizzle Tans is going to catapult you right to the creative team at Calvin Klein and they’ll want you for their spring collection.  Riiiiiiight.

Looks like Melissa didn’t get her Man’s shirt but at least she gets the fan action she’s looking for (she wants it to look like there’s a tornado in her house???) while poor Danielle wonders just who the designer is today.  Speak up for yourself chicka.  Either that or it becomes “Melissa-ized” and your boss questions your work.

Hang on now, they brought a lady model to work with Joey and I’m pretty sure she’s questioning her poor decisions today (yeah, I’ll do the sizzle tans shoot today, sounds fun).  You’re going to have to earn that paycheck in skeeve today my dear not to mention swim in bleach to get that dirt feeling off of you.

Down Time

A little down time for some fun... until the phone rings.

A little fun time for Jacqueline and CJ… until the phone rings.

Spending some quality time with CJ at the toy store Jacqueline is having a fun afternoon her mobile rings and it’s Teresa of all people.  Jac knows she attracts toxic people and needs to let it go.  Clearly Teresa is seeing the writing on the wall that this storyline of her fighting with everyone is beat to death and we need to move on.  She wants to be civil and normal when they are around each other.  Jac wants the hate to stop, but Teresa thinks she needs to keep here enemies close so they don’t stir up trouble.  UGH, I’m so done with Teresa and her Fame Aneurism.  Jac invites her and Juicy to the house to discuss, but Teresa wants neutral ground and insists there will be no yelling.  Jac thinks maybe she learned something on the retreat.

Glowing Ladies
UGH, already with Rich’s nastiness while Rosie is out looking for Love… Sing it with me folks… In all the wrong places… Looking for love in too many faces.  Yes, that just happened, this Winey Bitch went all Waylon Jennings on your asses.  Anything to distract me from this episode I’m struggling over.  OK, I’m done and it’s Ladies Night (Oh yes it’s ladies night / And the feeling’s right / Oh yes it’s ladies night / Oh what a night (oh what a night)) and there are choices of glow wristbands to indicate your situation:  Single , DTF (Down To Fuck for all of you out there not in the know… like me), Taken and It’s Complicated.  I totally like that idea.  I think every bar should have that approach.  You know so when me and my crew are out cougaring the town up it’s all spelled out.  I jest, I don’t cougar… I barely kitten.  So the crew starts to get the lay of the land and help Rosie with her search.  She prefers the pretty ones and a woman not a girl.  In tonight’s mix there are young ones, half-lesbians, and swinging couples looking for a third.  Wow, it’s a cornucopia of sexual activity up in this place.

A Rosie hopeful who couldn't get a sentence in.

A Rosie hopeful (with a “Single” colored band) who couldn’t get a word in.

Oh my Rosie needs calm her ass down and let the ladies talk a bit about themselves.  Gay or straight, people need to feel like they are interesting to other people, not sit and listen to someone babble all night.  Though there is merit to that approach.  People dish a lot of dirt about themselves when they babble.

Mamma’s Advice

So back at the apartment Caroline wants to know what’s wrong with Albie and he’s sick of feeling like everyone is always worried about him.  She reminds him that’s her role… you know to stalk her kids.  I will say this though, she did a damn good job with those kids.  They aren’t little douche bags who expect their parents to take care of everything.  He worries about his parents and questions if they know each other at all.  Albert and Caroline aren’t his problem and he needs to get used to it.


Caroline stops to visit Chris and Jac to hear about Teresa’s approach to Jacqueline to work things out.  Caroline reminds her she doesn’t need to like her, just respect her but not let Teresa get to her.  Jac thinks all Teresa does is deflect and comes after everyone else but hates when the truth is told about her and her family.  She can’t keep blaming everyone else – I feel like she’s preaching to the choir here.

Drive By

What in the name of all that is holy is Milania wearing?  They made Joseph’s Technicolor dream coat from muppets!!  OH THE HORROR!!  I’m so distracted by the coat to eve listen to the conversation… sorry screaming.  I’m surprised Juicy driving again, I guess he got his license back until his next DUI.  While driving they pass Joey’s billboard, and Teresa reminds us she did a commercial for them too.  We know Teresa, you’re awesome and everyone wants to be you… we get it already.

Now the Gorgas drive by to check out his work.

A Meeting of The Minds

At least Jacqueline thinks to sit a bit back from the table waiting for a rage flip from Teresa.

Is it me or is Jacqueline wisely sitting a bit back from the table waiting for a rage flip from Teresa?  Oh that’s so many seasons ago, when she was kinda normal.

So everyone arrives for the show down… I mean sit down to talk about what went wrong.  The men head to the cigar bar while the ladies head off for a drink in their own private room.  Niceties follow with “like your top” comments while the ladies think about where / how to start.  Teresa decides to start with Napa and their making up there, but Jac informs her she overhead Tre tell someone she hated Jac and it crushed her.  Tre has no idea who she would have been talking to – um, anyone who would listen is my guess.  Tre brings up Jac’s going to Joey about the whole setup of Melissa being a stripper (last season) that made her not talk to Joey for a year and a half and Jac should be so upset she broke up a brother and sister.  Um, wait, what Tre?  You were the one hating on your SIL.  You had your fair share contribution.  Jac doesn’t feel like she did anything that caused the problems and wonders why Teresa can’t take any accountability for her actions.  Teresa tries to go down the rabbit hole of Juicy cheating but Jac wants to change the subject before she says something that will start the fight again.  Of course Teresa reminds her she should still apologize.  I love this.  Of course everyone should apologize to Teresa.  Yes Teresa, I’m sorry I sit her pointing out what a pain in the ass you are.  I’m sorry I write that I can’t stand your voice.  Actually, that felt kinda good.  I think I’m on to something.

Meanwhile the boys are off sipping some red trying to create conversation.  Chris thinks it’s easier for guys to forgive and forget while Juicy thinks it’s all water under the bridge.

Back in the restaurant Jac tells Teresa she thought she was a sociopath but Teresa clearly doesn’t know what the word means so she’ll just ignore the comment until she hears “I’m sorry”.  Hey Jac, try this… I’m sorry you’re a complete sociopath.  She’ll hear the words she wants and ignore the rest.  Teresa thinks Jac is calling her a sociopath because she doesn’t have much on her and it’s the worst word she can think of.  Um, I’m sorry to point out what an idiot you are Teresa but…

so·ci·o·path [soh-see-uh-path, soh-shee-] noun Psychiatry. a person with a psychopathic personality whose behavior is antisocial, often criminal, and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience.

She sorta hit that nail on the head there, it’s not just a big fancy word, it’s accurate… oh, and I’m sorry for pointing out Jac might be right.  So Teresa thinks there are evil people out there and feels Jac is one of them.  Say what now?  Jac tries to point out she is the one who tries to help people but Teresa wants to throw in the whole Danielle storyline from… Season 1?  Season 2?

The boys wonder if they’re up there pulling each other’s hair out… not yet but give them another 30 minutes and a few glasses of wine.

Teresa isn’t sure how she hurt Jacqueline and thinks she’s holding something back.

Bottom Line:

I’m sorry Teresa, I’m really tired of you and your drama.  It’s getting old… Like biblical old.   Take some accountability for your actions and let’s be done with it.


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