Real Housewives of Miami – Season 3 Episode 1: Til Lies Do Us Part

One Sentence Summary:  Somehow the Miami bitches managed to delude Bravo into another season, but at least we have Elsa.

See kid, your face actually can freeze like that.

See kid, your face actually can freeze like that.

Our Thoughts: 

Rachel:  Seriously, how do these women keep getting renewed? I mean, yes, Season 2 was certainly an improvement over Season 1, but that’s not saying much. I just can’t quite grasp the love/hate of these women like I do New York or Bev Hills.  I even have a deeper relationship with the OC than these crazy ladies and I live in South Florida. Maybe this season will give us something to latch onto and endear these women into our hearts.  OK, OK…. Yeah, even I’m laughing at that.  And no, it’s not the wine.  Maybe it is a little.  At least Karent and Ana aren’t coming back this season. I didn’t dislike Karent, but she was such a distraction that I’m thinking we’re better off without her. And then there’s Ana who just went psycho bitch at the reunion.  No clue what happened there, but I’m perfectly OK with not finding out. Peace out, chica.

The Bitch Is Back

Why am I waiting here again? Oh right, Joanna's the only friend I have left.

Why am I waiting here again? Oh right, Joanna’s the only friend I have left.

Rachel:  We return to Miami as Joanna gets off a private jet and is picked up by Lea in a chauffeur driven Mercedes. Clearly, I need new friends. This curbside hurry-and-get-in routine just go really old. Seems Lea is helping Joanna plan her wedding to Romain.  Lea thinks being married will give her stability. Ha, I think Prozac is the only thing that will give Joanna stability. 

And in other Housewives news, we find out that Adriana has been married to Frederick for 5 years.  Wow, really? Now that’s a stupid lie. Why on earth would say you weren’t married when you were knowing that marriage licenses are public record? Yeah, again, stupid. Lea feels betrayed by this, because she was the one helping a “single mother” get back on her feet, which is made even more hideous after Adriana didn’t defend her against Ana at the reunion.  So yeah, that relationship is still on the rocks. Shall we check in on the others? 

Apparently, checking in on the others consists of showing a montage of the girls getting ready? Why did I need to see that? Oh right, I didn’t.

And now we’re back in Lea’s car. Was the editor having an acid flashback when they decided to drop that montage in? My brain hurts. Anyway, Joanna says Adriana’s not a good friend.  Lea agrees that no good deed goes unpunished.  Silence of your friends is what you remember.  And another montage… I need more wine.

Bridal Expo-sed

The gangs all here and so are Lisa's breasts... in case you forgot what they looked like.

The gangs all here and so are Lisa’s breasts… in case you forgot what they looked like.

The rest of the girls arrive at a bridal expo and Lisa, of course, has her tits out on full display. That’s quite an outfit for the middle of the day… outside of the strip club. Girl, this is why you feel like no one takes you seriously. Oh shit, Ana is here.  Why? Please say it’s just a quick blip on the radar.  And apparently Marysol is trying to have Michael Jackson’s nose. Can you still smell out of that thing?

Meanwhile, Ana & Alexia want to know who Lisa is hanging out with.  She’s a smart girl and says Lenny. No need to drop the verboten Lea name now. Apparently, over the summer, they all got together and Ana blindsided Leah again.  We don’t find out about what, but apparently it’s bad enough that Lisa calls her the devil.  Well, she is a horrible, nasty twat.  Yeah, I said it and you know I don’t usually use that word, but sometimes it’s a necessary evil.

Adriana is late which gives the girls time to gossip about her being legally married.  Alexia and Marysol don’t care.  It’s not that surprising to them.  Oh you’re so full of shit.  If it were Joanna, you’d be swinging your claws around the subject like Edward Scissorhands.  Alexia says that there’s a difference between a religious marriage and a legal piece of paper.  Um, ok.  Lisa, who needs to shut her pie hole and stop picking at wounds, says Leah is upset because Adriana didn’t defend her.  Ana then makes a dig at Lisa basically calling her stupid.  Lisa calls her out and says she’s smart enough to get that that was an insult.  Good on you, Lisa, though I don’t know why you’re hanging out with these assholes.  Ah, I guess Adriana & Frederick were the only ones that showed up to Lisa’s 35th birthday party.  Noted.

Adriana finally shows up and Lisa addresses her about the marriage before she barely sits down.  With that we flashback a week and Adriana says that it’s true that she & Frederick have been legally married, but she didn’t feel it because they called off the actual wedding.  When her son, Alex, heard they were getting married, he freaked out, so Frederick called it off.  She didn’t feel the need to disclose that they were actually married to Alex and she’s unhappy he found it out in the paper.  Uh, you had 5 years.  We are hearing her tell us this, while we see the boat that Frederick started remodeling last year.  I’m pretty sure exactly zero things have been done since we last saw the boat.  This doesn’t help ease the tension between the two considering Adriana is pissed that this situation has come to light.  So now she’s screaming about it and he’s tired of hearing about it.  He can’t rewind time and he’s a good father to her son.  He’s sorry but she has to let it go.  She’s tired of paying for his mistakes. And she has to deal with the press and her friends. He says f**k the press and f**k her friends. Nice. So the bottom line here is that there was a license, but no ceremony, so she’s not married in her mind.

This is what she tells the girls and now it makes sense. Now they can stop talking about her behind her back.  Well, “in her back” according to Adriana. Cut to Joanna & Lea talking about her behind her back.  Lisa thinks Adriana & Lea should talk. BTW, Adriana still hasn’t managed to figure out how to wash her hair. Adriana is willing, but she’s afraid they’re going to fight.  But they need to come to some agreement since, not only will they have to see each other at some point, their kids are BFFs too. Yeah, that might make it awkward. Take a look at the fools in New Jersey.

Hello, Kitty

Can we have sex now?

Can we have sex now?

Joanna thought she was being taken home, so she’s very confused when they pull into a Jaguar dealership. Romain had Lea take her to the Jaguar dealer where a hottie is waiting in the lot for her.  And next to the car is Romain.  OK, he’s kind of a hottie too.  After some heavy PDA, he hands her the keys to her new car. Man, these Househusbands love to buy their ladies new cars. Does this ever really happen in real life? Tell me how. Please.

My Two Sons

When can I meet Elsa? We have some crazy to discuss over cocktails.

When can I meet Elsa? We have some crazy to discuss over cocktails.

Alexia is with her son Frankie, who was in a serious car accident last year. He wasn’t supposed to survive, but he’s slowly working his way back. His language was affected, and he has some issues with monitoring what he says. Oh boy. Alexia & Frankie arrive home to find Alexia’s mom and her other son, Peter.  Mom is in from Madrid and thinks men have a castration complex. Oh this woman is going to give Elsa a run for her money. Mom is a psychiatrist and Alexia wants her to help with Peter, who has been depressed because of Frankie. And then there’s that whole assaulting a homeless person issue that sent him to jail. Awesome. What goes on in someone’s head to do something like that and then post the video on YouTube?  It’s one thing to act out in a moment (not that I’m condoning it in any way), but to then take the time to consciously post it?  That is downright sociopathic.

It’s Not A Handout. It’s Art. 

So you see, I'm just a warrior for justice as evidenced by all this art.

So you see, I’m just a warrior for justice as evidenced by all this art.

Lea is hosting two decorators at her house to help her redesign her home. The one you just designed when you moved in a year ago? Must be nice. They’ve already done her dining room and are now doing her kitchen. Next is that overwrought ballroom of hers.  She says she has too much art because she buys from people that need the money… read: Adriana.  She’s such a giver that Lea.


I can scream like a maniac too!  See!

I can scream like a maniac too! See!

Now we’re back to Adriana and Frederick fighting and now she’s going to cancel the wedding this time. Lord, do we need to hear this? Add to the fact that his car is dead, and now you have a super pissed Adriana storming off to find a taxi. I find it amazing that women who behave this way find men that will put up with it. Do you think they’re all on valium? I have to say that even thought I can’t stand her, but I’m digging that look she has put together.  Gonna have to work that out.

Mending Fences

Cheers to no one actually wasting good champagne by throwing it at one another.

Cheers to no one actually wasting good liquor by throwing it at one another.

Lisa is hosting the ladies at her home.  Didn’t you learn from your lingerie party that this is a pretty bad idea? Joanna is the first to show up and the two girls have been missing each other. Lisa misses her more and gets upset that Joanna isn’t around enough. Joanna says that’s because she actually has a career. True dat, girlfriend. Lisa says she is still trying to have a baby and has started investigating IVF and using a surrogate.

With that, Marysol shows up and we’re back to Joanna’s wedding … and her lack of a sex life. How is that the two of them are not humping like rabbits?  Look at them! Next up, Adriana who still hates Joanna and vice-versa. They manage a hand shake, but Joanna is clear that they’re not friends. We all know that. Not sure you actually needed to say it out loud. Joanna thought they had mended fences in Bimini until Adriana retweeted that she was an escort over the summer. Who lets these bitches have Twitter accounts?  Seriously, they’ve proven that they clearly cannot be trusted. Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, Marta now lives in PA with her boyfriend. Yeah, wasn’t wondering.  Forgot she existed, actually.

So, Lea is missing from the party, which is a problem seeing as how she was part of the reason this summit had been called. Lisa is tired of everyone fighting, but clearly cannot achieve peace without one side of the warring factions in attendance.  Turns out she isn’t coming (shocker) so that gives Joanna the opportunity to tell Lea’s side of the story for her. Lea feels betrayed by Adriana not sticking up for her against Ana and for not knowing about the marriage. Adriana says she knew about it. She’s always known. She was her maid of honor so she knew more than anyone else what really happened. Plus, Adriana was hurt when Lea took Joanna’s side in their fight. She expects unconditional loyalty but doesn’t give it.  Point goes to Adriana. Joanna says but Lea helped her out with money.  Adriana says yes that happened, but she bought art & jewelry from her.  She didn’t just give her money. Alexia has issues with Lea because she’s been running her mouth about her sons and her parenting. Yikes, Lea. Maybe it’s your turn to zip it? But Joanna is on a mission to defend her, because Adriana started it with spreading lies about Joanna & Romain breaking up for publicity. Huh? How did this suddenly become about you, Joanna?  Oh right, everything is about you. Somehow Adriana not publicly admitting she’s been married – which is no one’s business really – is related to her talking about Joanna behind her back and that is why Lea is right.  Flawed logic, babe.  Sorry. Gonna have to try again.

But not today, since Marysol is over the circular argument going on between Adriana & Joanna. It’s going nowhere and she’s sick of it. I hear that. Elsa isn’t doing well physically and she’d wish to be having a cocktail with the girls. Yet, here they are arguing about stupid things. I believe that is called perspective. Turns out that Elsa had to have emergency surgery on her brain after a head trauma this summer. She’s still in the hospital, but she’s strong and Marysol believes she will recover.  Aw, that’s really sad.  Much love Mama Elsa! Get well soon! Marysol doesn’t want to make this a down thing, but all this arguing is stupid and it’s nonsense.  Two weddings are being planned and that should be the focus. Amazingly, it seems the women hear her. This is a shock. Adriana says she did some soul searching over the summer and she realized she’s not perfect. Really?  You had to search your soul for that insight? Deep. She knows she shouldn’t judge Joanna and apologizes. Joanna says Marysol put it in perspective for her and toasts to sisterhood and Elsa. Note: she does not apologize back. And with that, we wrap up the first episode of Season 3 of the nutters from Miami.

Rachel:  Maybe it’s all this wine, but I’m slightly hopeful that these women might not be terrible and petty all season.  Yeah, I know. It’s the wine.


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