One Sentence Summary: We spend three hours of our lives waiting to see if Des picks someone or goes home empty-handed and to meet the new Bachelor.
Rachel: It actually gives me anxiety to think that we have three long hours in front of us tonight. I’m assuming that Des pulls it together enough to continue on in search of love. Otherwise they’ll have to fill two hours of show with tears and conversation, which might actually be tantamount to torture. And last I checked, we technically were still against torture in this country. Personally, I think Brooks did her a favor by bailing. As I’ve said on more than one occasion, I missed the memo on him. I mean I’m sure he’s a perfectly good dude, but of the bunch, I didn’t think he was the stand-out. Then again, we never get to see the conversations between the two outside of relationship talk. Maybe he’s an especially funny guy and a cunning linguist. hint hint. Anyway, I’m kicking it with mom tonight and a couple of Greek salads, so at least not all is lost.
Melissa: Yes friends, get ready for the shocking conclusion. Yes, shocking in that we’re all wondering how men can create such drama-queen level tears. I don’t know about you all, but I’m seriously done with “funny girl” Des. I have nothing against her personally (I don’t think)… I’m just done with the whole “story” she’s forced to live. I guess the big drama for me will be does she make the boys go through a rose ceremony or let them off easily without the whole standing there getting shot down on national television. HOWEVER, we’ll get to learn who the next Bachelor is. Who do we think friends? I’m all in with my vote for Roberto. Well, unless Juan Pablo is in the running in which case I’m all in for that little footballer.
Coming To You Live!
Rachel: Lord, here we go with the live audience and the most dramatic faces of a studio audience in television history. I mean we could seriously get this whole puppy done and over with in the normally allotted 2 hours. Besides I’m sure there are at least three people out there still watching Mistresses that are upset that it’s getting pre-empted for this shit. Yes, Chris Harrison has to earn his paycheck, but I’m pretty sure we’d all be cool without the mind-numbing retreads and audience feedback. Will Brooks come back? Will Des find love? Guess what, if you stop yapping and start rolling tape, we’ll be one step closer to finding out.
At least we get to find out the next bachelor tonight. That’s actually more exciting to me than figuring out what Des does tonight.
Melissa: Why do I always forget the finale is in front of the audience? I mean, I know they have to do the whole after the rose breakdown business but for some reason I’ve blocked it out. Much like I block out this is a 3 hour fiasco.
Should I Stay Or Should I Go
Rachel: Oh that was fast. Only 3 minutes of flashback and montages. We return to the scene of the crime. Des says that everything is thrown off with Brooks leaving. She doesn’t know what to do. Personally, I think she’s a dick if she doesn’t end it right here, right now. She just announced to the world that she doesn’t feel for the other guys what she felt for him. What guy wants to put a ring on that?
She meets with Chris to discuss Brooks leaving. I mean I do feel badly for her. That’s a shitty shitty feeling. Shitty. And by shitty, I mean a horrible punch to the gut. She just wants to go home. She’s struggling most with staying hopeful. Chris asks if she had never met Brooks, could she see herself with the remaining two guys. She doesn’t know. THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE????? She’s not broken, her heart is, but she’ll still meet with the other two guys. How benevolent of you. And she’s still going to have a rose ceremony. Man, I hope she isn’t going to make them stand in a rose ceremony just to send them home. I mean I know it’s a game, but that would craptacular. Just let the poor guys off the hook so they can go home and lick their wounds. Who knew I’d be so defensive of two dudes I was picking on all season?
So she really is going to have her rose ceremony and I swear I want to punch her through the TV. I mean I’m seriously angry right now. I think maybe I am overtired or in need of something stronger than wine, but I’m feeling like it’s kinda shitty to give guys false hope just to fill up another hour of TV. Des tells them that Brooks went home which shows that love is unpredictable. However, she takes each relationship individually and will continue to do so. This is said through tears. Um, do you not know there are cameras recording this? They’re going to see you telling Brooks you love him and that they were essentially little more than time filler. And really, do these guys really want to accept a rose from a chick sobbing over another dude? I guess so seeing as how they both just accepted the roses. Clearly I know nothing.
And another live break… OK all this chit-chatting is annoying. I really could care less what the audience thinks, especially the dumb woman who thinks Brooks should have gotten his advice from a man and not his mom & sister. Uh, Chris Harrison might want to be insulted by that. And Brooks had better not be coming back so just pipe down there missy.
Melissa: Ah yes, let’s check in… yep, Des is still heartbroken. Let’s dissect this drama for the next hour shall we? (eye roll) I get it, he wasn’t in to her like she was with him. HELLO, welcome back to the real world sweetie. That’s how the shit plays out when the abc cameras aren’t rolling. Just because you signed up for the show doesn’t mean your happy ending is all written out. Um, how many successful relationships has this show produced? Two? It’s not unicorn smiles and fairy dust, my dear. Though, never fear Chris Harrison is here to wallow in your sorrow. Though I’m thinking she might have a little crushy-crush on Chris what with that radiant smile she offered him. So here’s a question… what are the unsuspecting boys doing while all this business is hitting the fan in Des’s bungalow?
I’m sorry, what a dumb assed question was that from Chris… if it weren’t for Brooks could you see a future with one of the others? This is one of those moments where I’m convinced I’m losing IQ points watching this. So since she doesn’t know, why doesn’t she just pull them aside and let them off easily? Oh, right… that doesn’t make for good ratings.
Unfortunately, my usual “first to arrive” rule doesn’t apply here with the boys. But wait, this was supposed to be the 3 boys elimination to ramp up the final chase for the rose. Wait, or is that the chase for the cup? I might be getting sports metaphors mixed up in this. It’s been a sushi / saki evening and well, everything gets a little muddled after a few sips. Anywho, we’re a man down and the boys learn of Brooks’s departure but sadly I think they still feel like they have a shot with Brooks gone. Hey, maybe she’ll decide she loves one of them the same… that’s gonna be awkward down the line though, if you ask me.
Oh, this is just going to be so uncomfortable for the next… crap, hour and 40 minutes. Hmmm… methinks I might need to pour a glass of enthusiasm during the commercial break.
Really, we have to poll the audience? Really chica, you’re laying money on Brooks coming back? So let’s break that down. The boy tells her he doesn’t see a future beyond the cameras, and he isn’t in love with her, but he’s going to come back? STFU! Come on, and really is that what you want?
On Second Thought
Rachel: And we’re back to Des saying how her emotions were so messed up with Brooks leaving, but seeing how wonderful Chris & Drew are makes her want to stay and see how she feels about these relationships. She has to sort out how she feels for each of them. She needs to see if she can feel the same way about them as she did with Brooks. So, basically she’s been just going through the motions with these guys for the last 11 weeks. Run dudes, run!
Drew’s first to the slaughter. Wait, what is up with the Pocahontas Does Yoga look? So bad. Anywho, they go to the beach on horses, but something just doesn’t feel right for Des. She thinks she should feel differently when she loves someone, so she needs to talk to him, which is going to be especially painful after Drew just toasted to true love. She tells him that this has been so hard and she’s so lucky to have him in her life, but… and here is comes… She doesn’t know if she can see a future together if she doesn’t feel 100% for him. She never wanted to hurt him. No, she just wanted to play him until the final rose. He is shocked but he has to thank her for being honest. He’s a far better man than I… er, I mean, I would be. He understands and he wouldn’t want her to pretend to feel something she doesn’t. And off he goes… in tears. Honestly, she’s an idiot. He’s a better man than she deserves… even though he is kind of a Ken doll.
Melissa: Again, why do we have to watch her put her shirt on? Are they really that behind in the ratings that they’ve resorted to her peddling the flesh to get some interest? Um, barking up the wrong tree here producers. I’m thinking the men watching The Bachelorette are either not particularly caring for her “lady-ness” or they are being forced to watching because there is only 1 television in their house and their woman insists on watching Des.
OMG, anyone else notice the complete cold shoulder greeting poor Drew received? I mean I’ve greeted ex-boyfriends with more enthusiasm (and I violently dislike about 98% of them). So, Drew is in Antigua and hanging out in his room?? That’s odd and sad at the same time. Oh you poor boy, about to get the verbal equivalent of being kicked in the business end and not seeing it coming. It’s like passing an accident on the road. I can’t not look. What I like to do at this point, friends, is look for that moment when it all starts to click and they realize what’s happening. I know it’s evil and twisted of me… but let’s face it, I’m not the nice one. And there it is… nope, you didn’t see it happening because you we all caught up in the fauxmance of it all. OK, I’ll admit I kind of find Drew attractive right now. Holy rational reaction, Drew!! Hang on, fight the tears… FOCUS.
On Third Thought
Rachel: For the love of all things holy, put a shirt on this chick. I’m not sure why we need to see her belly constantly. There’s a much warmer reception for Chris than Drew, which I suppose is a good sign. This feels different for her, which makes her hopeful. He tells her it was hard to see her cry and not be able to console her. But going forward, he will be there for her and love her. I’m thinking you might want to hold off on promises until you watch last week’s playback. But Des feels like she might be able to get past Brooks and see love for Chris. Brooks had her mind clouded. She feels like she knows what her future would be with him. So now she’s playing that whole “things work out the way they should” card in case she finds love with Chris. Justify, justify, justify.
Things have changed so drastically for her today and she’s thrilled she made the right decision to not give up on love. With that, she leaps in Chris’s arms as they head off for the next portion of events. He has to let her know that they belong together. This time he does it with a toast and not a poem. Thank you for small favors. He’s confident in what they have and he can see himself spending his life with her. Ah, champers. I could go for some right about now. She thanks him for hanging in because she knows how emotionally draining it can be. He says that every time they see each other it’s always a step forward. Never back. So, that has kept him confident. She tells him that it’s super important for him to meet her parents. Note she didn’t say brother. Oh, now she says family. He got her a journal as a gift. She feels lucky to be receiving his love because she’s never felt like anyone has ever loved her as much as she’s loved them. That’s kinda sad. She feels guilty because she doesn’t know how she didn’t love him from the beginning. OK, that was honest and she just took a tiny step forward in my view. Now, I really hope she doesn’t crush him and that Brooks doesn’t come back.
Oh Jesus, here we go with more audience chatter. And we have Jackie, Lesley, Lindsay, Catherine and Sean in the audience! Woo. I’m so over the revisiting of the past contestants. I want to throw my wine at the TV, but that would be rude to the wine. Blah blah blah… Catherine and Sean. Blah blah blah… Jackie. She says that every answer Des gave the girls led back to Brooks, but she clearly missed the red flags. Lesley says that she believes she was genuinely happy with Chris in the last scene. And Lindsay… She says it’s hard to watch her friend be in pain, but thinks she’s still in love with Brooks. She’s worried. I don’t care.
Melissa: So she’s going to cruise around in her bikini top and skirt to wonder how to cope with what she has to do today? Um, have a cocktail, chill and get your shit together. Yes, I’m convinced all life’s drama can be resolved after enjoying a glass of wine.
So Chris is going to melt her heart? Really? Will he be melting the parts that Brooks broke? Here’s a question, does he know he’s the last one on the island? Do you think Drew sent him a text from the airport? UGH, I totally forgot there was a whole family visit to still play out. Hang on… they’re heading for the bed?? So bold! Well, I guess if there’s a connection – wink wink. So she went from loving Brooks and telling him she was in love with him and only wanting him to have her heart to crying over how much she loves feeling Chris’s love? Oh, this is interesting.
Really, we need to revisit the the ladies who didn’t find love and Sean and Catherine? (eye roll) Anyone else think it’s really odd to have Sean doing the break-down for Des? I mean wasn’t he the first to break her heart?
It’s A Family Affair
Rachel: So after such a mind-changing day & night with Chris, she is happy to have him meet her family. He’s nervous to meet the family… and by family, I mean brother. I certainly don’t blame him since the brother, whose name I don’t remember and don’t care to, starts the 3rd degree before Chris is even sitting. Chris tries to keep calm but is clearly sweating it. He tries to convince the brother that he’s solid. And the questions keep on coming even as they go to have lunch. The brother wants to know what would happen if Des picks Drew… Dude, now you’re just being a dick. You know Drew’s not there, so stop playing him. Chris says it would be very hard.
Thankfully, dad whisks him away for some one-on-one time. You know it’s a bad time if talking to the dad is a welcome reprieve. Chris gives him all the selling points and wants to know if he can propose to Des. Dad gives him permission. Dad thinks Des is happy and that’s what he wants for her. And that is the entirety of the family visit. Well, that was short.
Des goes back to talk to the brother. He wants to know if she could spend her life with Chris. She says, for right now, yes. Brother says don’t rush it, but he likes Chris even though he does have concerns. For instance, when she was back in LA, she was way into Brooks so is she disappointed or hurt over what happened? She says she was really hurt because she put a lot into the relationship. It took her a long time to get over it, but she is over it. Long time? It was 2 days ago! I’ve mourned the end of a bottle of wine longer than that. But she is trying to trust her heart and figure out what to do. Good luck.
Melissa: Oh poor Chris going up against Nate. He seems much more civilized this go around, quite honestly. I guess the sibling snub earned him a time-out from the folks. What’s with Nate? I mean why is he running the show instead of Mom and Pops? Well at least Pops gave his permission… Though let’s see what Nate has in mind.
Wait did she just seriously say it took a long time to give up on Brooks (after giving him her heart) to finding something with Chris? In what parallel universe is a hot minute a “long time”?
To Propose Or Not To Propose
Rachel: Time for the ring picking with Neil Lane and the getting dressed montages. Good lord, she needs to put a cork in it. I am pretty sure she’s the most crying-est bachelorette in history. Wait, she’s never felt love this completely, but still doesn’t know what to do? If this is remotely true, you beg him to not leave you after he watches your Brooks meltdown in about 3 months. Ah, it seems that she thinks she needs to tell Chris about what really went down with Brooks and how she felt. Always a good idea when a man is about to propose. Nothing like a swift kick to the ego when a man is on bended knee.
On his end, he wants her to say she loves him. We all do, dude. We all do. There are a lot of us out here pulling for you man. Drinking hard and pulling for you. He picks his ring, suits up and heads for the final challenge, er rose. He shows up and launches into a long diatribe about everything they’ve done together. Seriously, the one time it would be kosher to come packing a poem, he manages nothing better than this drivel?
Anyway, he’s about to get on one knee and she stops him. I think poor Chris just shat himself a little bit. She has a few things to say. She wants to be honest and tell him where her heart has been on this journey and where it is today. She tells him that he’s the only one here and the only one that met her family. He’s crying, but I don’t want him to get ahead of himself here. There’s more to this story, friend. She goes on to tell him that she loved Brooks and was torn between them. She feels like she was blindsided by her feelings for Brooks so much so that she didn’t realize that what she needed was right in front of her the whole time. Bam, way to bring it home, Des! I don’t know who wrote that line but they should get a raise. Bottom line, she loves him and wants to spend the rest of her life with him.
Chris gets back down on bended knee and proposes. He wants to be her first and her last. Well, you have a shot at being the last. The first on the other hand… I fear that ship has long ago sailed. Oh, btw, Des accepts. And I have to say that, like the Grinch, my heart grew three sizes today. Maybe underneath all this snark lies a true romantic that just wants to believe in love, but I’m all in on this one. I hope these kids make it. Quite the turnaround from wanting to punch her when the show started. This might actually be the most shocking rose ceremony in Bachelorette history!
Melissa: I would love to know if Chris knows he’s the only one there. Maybe if you played a little hard to get she’d give you her heart too. Well, once she asks Brooks to give it back. Ooh Neil Lane with the ring display. I like this part… I like sparkly things. I guess selling his soul has done him good.
So Chris is the man (now) she can love her entire life? I’m so confused how that happened in the span of a less than a week.
Damn, stopped him on his way to taking the knee? Do you think he just tinkled his pants a bit? So wait. Let me get this straight. She basically tells the boy she was in love with someone else to the point she didn’t really see him there, but he’s still going to drop with the ring? What the hell kind of shenanigans is this? More to the point where were these delusional men when I was looking?
But I do hope these crazy kids find eternal happiness. And by that, I mean the “Bachelorette” style that lasts for another 3 seasons so they can do “the rounds” and deliver their sage-like advice to the other hopefuls just trying to find their soulmates. Well, maybe they’ll last until Chris sees all the anguish and heartbreak caused by Brooks – I’m thinking that’s coming up in the first fight… just sayin’.
After The Final Rose
Rachel: I’m tired kids so we’re breezing through this so we can find out who the next Bachelor is…
Des is back and wearing the ring still. So, that’s a good sign. She says it was a crazy experience and journey but she knew she was going to stay open. That’s what saw her through. Sometimes you have to go through heartbreak to see the love. Chris H says a lesser man would have pulled out, but he was strong enough to see it through even after she told him about Brooks. She says she never put the pressure on herself that the ending had to be a proposal. If she didn’t see this as a lifetime, she wouldn’t have gone through with it. Chris H wants to know if she saw the red flags with Brooks watching it back. She says she knew it was up & down but after the hometown dates thought they were on the same page. But we get to find out from him as he’s there and up on the couch next.
And here is Brooks. He’s nervous and got a haircut! Due looks like he hasn’t slept since he left Antigua. He says he had a lot of feelings resurface after watching the process secondhand. He could see himself struggling and was exhausted by the end. She wants to know what happened between Antigua and hometowns. He said that he was able to check in with his feelings when he was alone. So that’s when he realized he was behind in the game. He had been there before and you know it when you feel it…. or don’t. In Antigua, he felt like he needed to be there until she dismissed him. He had time and felt like she deserved the time too. Break-ups are never easy and you can always look back and see things differently. She has no regrets. She stayed true to how she was feeling.
Brooks doesn’t know how the show ended as he hasn’t seen the finale. Des tells him that, after he left, things were really good. Say what? She was able to dig deep into the other relationships and see what was really there. She’s engaged to Chris. He’s not surprised. He saw how she looked at Chris on group dates and at rose ceremonies.
Up next, Drew. She is most nervous to see him because she really hurt him. For him, it brings back a flood of emotions. He was starting to find his happiness again, but watching this all back has been really hard. She left him unceremoniously broken-hearted. Ouch. Someone’s still bitter. He didn’t see that coming. No precursors other than him seeing that her greeting to Chris was warmer than it was for him at the last rose ceremony. He has no regrets. It’s not the ending he wanted but he’s happy she got the ending she deserves. She thinks he’s so deserving too. He has questions. Could he have done anything differently? Dude, never ask that. The answer will always be no. And if there was something, is it going to make you feel better to know? Doubtful. He asked when she knew it wasn’t him. She can’t give him a straight answer. Each relationship was individual. Was he always behind Brooks and Chris? She says no. Did she hold back with Drew? Maybe a little. Chris H interrupts and wants to know if Drew regrets giving Des his love. He does not. He has love for her but is not in love with her. He will always be in her corner. But he realizes that love has to be mutual and shared. And it wasn’t there. Chris H has a feeling he won’t have a hard time moving on. Uh, no. There are about 100 salivating women in that audience ready to tear him apart.
Time for Chris to come out and be reunited with his lady. They look happy and he seems happy. Chris H wants to know how he got his confidence back after the Brooks thing. Chris says it wasn’t that hard. He believes in their love. Doesn’t seem like Chris is all that flappable no matter how many times CH asks. They built something great on the show and built something better since the show. Time to watch the proposal. They’re so in love and truly happy. Des is moving to Seattle and they’ll be living in sin in a new apartment. He has a picture for her with petals from all 12 roses that she gave him and a poem, natch.
And with 10 minutes left, we finally meet the next bachelor. Juan Pablo or Zak? It’s Juan Pablo. He’s hot, but man, I just don’t know how he’s going to hold attention for an entire season. And I’m incredibly embarrassed for the women in the audience wearing I❤ Juan Pablo t-shirts. Good Lord, keep your panties on. I just hope he never wears that tie again. Seriously, it’s the worst tie ever. But he’s a good guy so I wish him luck. And boy are the ladies going to have their claws out next season. And with that we are bid adios which means the entire audience lines up to get a hug with Juan Pablo. Look at the girls lining up to try and get a ride on the Latin Lover. Not gonna lie. I really wanted it to be Zak.
Melissa: So she’s going with she had to go thorough heartbreak to see the beauty of Chris? Call me a cynic but I’m thinking if Brooks hadn’t told her that he wasn’t into her there would have been a different outcome. Chicks like the chase and the bad boy.
So here’s a question… If she’s so happy and in love and over it, how hard will it be to see Brooks? I mean if she’s happy she should be thankfull he didn’t care for her or just not give a single F he’s there. No wait, she should be thrilled to see him. Also, realistically how invested are you in the span of 12 weeks? Sorry, my pessimism is showing again isn’t it?
Poor broken hearted Drew. Is that suit purple? Really, is it my television or is boyfriend rocking a purple 3 piece suit? Who does that? I mean his purple badness Prince, of course, and it’s pretty much his color if you ask me. Oh geez, I’m sorry I’m so distracted by the suit and my mental segue to Prince that I’ve completely stopped paying attention. OK, so I’m back and I don’t get why he wants the breakdown of what he could have done better. Really, will it make a difference dude?
Pffft… I give them 6 months. Sorry, I’m starting to get a little cranky at this 2.5 hours in… mostly because my glass is empty and I’m too lazy to walk down the the wine cellar to refuel. It’s late and I’m tired and done with America’s Funny Girl. It seems a bit forced. Don’t get me wrong friends, I hope these kids make it… Well, let’s be honest I’m hardly invested in these two. Once JP was gone I sort of checked out. Take away my eye candy and it’s hard for me to focus.
SWEET MARY I’M THE HAPPIEST BITCH IN TOWN!! No, for real, I am giddy as hell at the thought of spending 12 weeks with Juan Pablo. Giggles over here, and I almost want to do a little happy dance. Since my my high school days, I’ve been a fan of the soccer boys. You just have to smile at the thought of a man who likes to spend 90 minutes all sweaty for fun. Sorry, over-share? How adorbs is he though?? Man, my dvr is going to get a serious workout with his season. pause… rewind… play… pause… rewind… play. It’s like William Levy on DWTS all over again. On a side note, how bananas are the next ettes going to be? Seriously, it’s going to be full on Gladiator style in that pad and I’m not talking sandals friends. It’s gonna get ugly and let’s face it… I. CAN’T. WAIT.
Rachel: I would like to request that the producers spend some time in the off-season coming up with some new ideas for this show. Juan Pablo is a hottie for sure, but they haven’t introduced a new idea in about 10 seasons. How nice it must be to keep collecting a paycheck without having had an original idea in years.
Melissa: I think I need to mix up a little Prince to send me off to la-la-land… to dream of my Juan Pablo and wait patiently until we’re reunited again.