One Sentence Summary: Another OC season comes to an end with a bang, and by bang, I mean screaming.
Rachel: Oh boy, here we go not-so-gently into the night with another season of the OC Housewives. And as usual we come in like a lion and go out like a lion on acid. The only thing that changes is who are the hunters and who is the huntee. Alexis, in a surprise twist, managed to Jesus Barbie her way out of the line of fire and throw Gretchen into the path of the whizzing bullets. OK fine, Alexis wasn’t smart enough to plot a coup, she was just lucky enough to have Lydia orchestrate it for her. And as much as I find the whole operation childish, I am happy that everyone is finally off whatever drugs they were on that made them forget what a douchenozzle Slade is. I think we can actually thank Lydia for spearheading that change as well. Maybe I’ve underestimated her. Maybe that is her gift. She should discuss this at Bible group. And I don’t know about you, but that proposal of Gretchen’s last week made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Really nothing ruins a good glass of Pinot Noir more than that. And since I missed last week’s write-up, can we take a minute here and discuss Slade’s brother? What died on his head? But let’s go to Vicki’s Winter Wonderland party and watch the evisceration of Gretchen & Slade.
Oh, The Behavior Outside Is Frightful
Rachel: I must start by saying how amazing the decorations for the party are. That party planner should get some airtime. But we have bigger fish to fry like the arrival of tonight’s prey. And I’m not talking about what’s on the menu. Slade and Gretchen have arrived into a party where they’re not welcome and it’s going to be a cold night for them. I guess it’s lucky that there are heat lamps everywhere. Then again, I don’t quite get why Gretchen would want to go to a party at Vicki’s in the first place. Oh right, to tell everyone she got engaged… and didn’t invite them to the party.
But kisses all around for the girls and Slade tells Lydia that she looks like she’s wearing a costume from Dancing With The Stars. First of all, that’s my joke. Second of all, it’s Skating With The Stars if you’re really hurtling an insult. And third, stop bagging on women. But I do love that Lydia calls him out and calls him Douche Lord. Ha. Gotta remember that one.
As everyone has fun and whoops it up, literally, Ryan tells Gretchen & Slade about the terrible relationship between Briana & Vicki and how he has tons of dirt on Brooks. Oh come on dude, let it go. But he is on a mission to make sure everyone knows that Brooks is a conman. And no one is more excited to hear the news than Gretchen. More dirt for her to latch onto. Again, why are you in her home? Don’t like her? Don’t come to her party.
Terry & Heather try and get warm next to a heat lamp when a cold breeze in the form of Gretchen & Slade blow in. Heather wants to know why Gretchen isn’t talking to her. Lady please, you don’t care. Don’t play. Oh, wait, you’re just looking for an in to berate her about Malibu Country. As you were… Gretchen is hurt by Heather telling the girls that she wasn’t offered a role on Malibu Country and throwing her under the bus with the people at the table read.
SIDE BAR: Is Gretchen wearing Jeff’s engagement ring? Is she really wearing her dead ex’s ring when she just got engaged to a new man? I’m sorry, that is the epitome of tacky. Slade needs to pony up and buy her a ring. I don’t care if it comes from a gumball machine.
And back to our regularly scheduled programming: Heather says Gretchen’s totally wrong. The polar opposite happened. Did it? This I gotta hear. Well, I can’t because Gretchen won’t stop talking, though Heather really has to take the ‘tude down a notch. We all get that you’re the actress. Trust us. We know. Now, take a deep breath and simmer down. But she does have a valid point about Gretchen’s behavior at Hot In Cleveland, which Gretchen laughs about and Slade defends as they were just in the bathroom. Dude, there were cameras filming you. No, you were not. Gretchen actually apologizes which is not heard. I guess because it’s because she’s not apologizing for doing anything wrong. She’s apologizing that Heather felt that way. Oy vey. While I get where Heather is coming from intellectually, it’s really a worthless battle. You’re not going to be her BFF anyway. So take your half-assed apology and move on.
Over in happier territory, Vicki gives Tamra a friendship bracelet that is bigger and blingier than the one Gretchen gave her. So mature. Alexis tells Tamra that Vicki really did miss her and yearned for their friendship. Tamra just wants the best for Vicki. Alexis knows this but thinks that Vicki is more likely to figure out that Brooks is bad if they lay off than if they keep pushing her. Damn, Alexis, that is actually a smart and true statement. Now Jim chimes in on how his 15 years of experience over Alexis has taught him that he has to let her learn things the hard way sometimes. If she isn’t open to his opinion, he isn’t going to give it. That’s probably all well and good, but he really still irritates the hell out of me. Tamra admits that Jim is a good person and she was a shmuck for judging the two of them too harshly. Whoa, is Jim crying? I just had a moment of warmth toward him, but it was quickly ruined when he price-dropped his scarf. Trust me, Jim, spending a grand on your scarf doesn’t impress us. It just makes us think you’re an idiot.
Soooo… Back inside the house it seems that Lydia’s mom, Judy, has mistakenly put her feet on the couch. This is apparently a crime worthy of being ejected from the party, which Ryan tells her in no uncertain terms. Really, Ryan? Anger issues, much? I’m scared what’s going to happen when Troy spills his cereal on the floor. Judy kiddingly tells him that she’ll fairy dust him, which he sees no humor in. Mostly because he has no sense of humor. Ryan responds by calling her a bitch and telling her that he’ll f**king throw her ass out of the house. What a guy.
Judy goes outside and tells Vicki what happened. Ryan sees them talking and comes over to tell his side of the story. He lies, needless to say, and Briana rushes to his defense. How is it possible that none of these people ever can remember that this is all being recorded for future reference? It’s not rocket science. He goes off again when Vicki hugs Judy. This kid is a wing nut with serious anger issues. It’s a fucking couch. And now Vicki’s brother, Billy, is telling Ryan he needs to respect that it’s Vicki’s house, not his. Rent or no rent. GO BILLY! He also tells Ryan that he needs to stop starting shit every time people are around. BILLY!!! I think Billy should stick around a while.
Vicki tries to stop Judy from leaving, but Lydia says that they just want to go. Lydia is crying because her mom is upset. Vicki says it’s her house and she really doesn’t care about “stuff”. Tamra thinks Vicki needs to talk to Ryan. Vicki says she will remove Ryan from the party and would like Judy to stay. Good on ya, Vicki. I have to say, I feel Lydia here. If someone pulled that shit on my mother, you’d have a rabid pitbull on your hands.
Billy tells Vicki he’s sick of this shit. Tamra says she needs to put her foot down. Vicki thinks this happened because Ryan is stressed about leaving. I think it’s because he’s an asshole. But she does tell Lydia that she should not have been disrespected in her home.
Meanwhile, Ryan is upstairs telling Briana that he felt disrespected and that Judy is a bitch who got in his face. Vicki tries to tell him to not speak like that about an older (she says elderly but we won’t go there) woman. Ryan, of course, isn’t hearing it. Vicki says he’s a loose canon to Briana, who then goes off. I mean I know it’s her husband, but I’m about over the two of them. Seriously cannot stand either of them anymore. Vicki tells Briana that she misses Brooks, and as she supports all of Briana’s choices, she wants Briana to respect her choices. Briana says he can come to the house, but she won’t live with her anymore. Bye bye, Briana. Don’t the let the door hit ya in the ass on the way out.
Heather & Gretchen saunter arm-in-arm over to Tamra & Slade. Tamra pulls Gretchen aside and tells her that she feels like they’re in a weird place. Tamra reached out to her, but Gretchen didn’t have time for her which was hurtful. Gretchen holds grudges, but she needs to let go. Gretchen feels like Tamra hasn’t been truthful with her about Vicki and Alexis. She also thinks it’s unfair that she invited Alexis to her bridal shopping when she would be uncomfortable. Tamra says it’s her day and if she wanted them both there, she wanted them both there. Period. Exactly. And we’re back to Malibu Country. Gretchen understands where she’s coming from, but how it was perceived is not what it was. Gretchen stands by her story. They just want each other to be honest. Ha, good luck. But there are hugs and they’re ready to move on… again. Well, until Tamra finds out that she wasn’t invited to the engagement spectacle.
As if there hasn’t been enough drama, Vicki wants to tell Slade that he inspired her. He’s been making fun of her for a long time, but she’s proud of who she is. She’s not a Muppet and she’s not a Tupperware face. He’s such an ass as he stands there laughing. Dude, regardless of what you think of her, it’s not cute and it’s certainly not funny. She says it’s never ok to make fun of a woman’s looks. He says it is sometimes. Ack. And Gretchen mumbles neither is making fun of man as a father. But Vicki is undeterred and says that she will keep striving to be the best. So she made a bacon vodka as an homage to Slade calling her Miss Piggy. She would like Slade to have the first bottle. Very subtle FU. I kinda like it. Gretchen jumps in and says that maybe they can do a deadbeat dad vodka next. Yeah, see, but Slade IS actually a deadbeat dad. Remember that part where you didn’t want to marry him until he cleaned up all that financial mess he had? Vicki’s point is that you can be slashed down or built up and he should be careful of his tongue. And he says so should she. She attacked his character. I don’t really know why anyone would expect Slade to take ownership of anything. It’s never going to register. It’s a waste of breath.
Not to waste an opportunity to add to the drama, the rest of the women jump in. Lydia says that Slade can’t claim that he only treats people they way they treat him because she did nothing to him when he insulted her looks. Gretchen says he was joking and Slade said he was complimenting her. Lydia tells him “BS” and “screw you”. haha! Slade says he did apologize, which he didn’t, and that he called her a pretty ballerina, which he also didn’t. Lydia isn’t having it and tells him that he’s dirty. Alexis doesn’t understand how he can’t acknowledge that he hurt Lydia. And now the escalation begins and Vicki becomes unhinged. Gretchen thinks Lydia shouldn’t defend what Vicki just did. Lydia didn’t defend Vicki. Vicki screams at Gretchen about how hurtful Slade is and can’t understand how she doesn’t get it. Vicki also says it was three years ago and she stopped talking about Slade. Gretchen says it doesn’t matter. Well, it kinda matters actually. Slade tells Lydia that he’s not interested in being a better person and she thinks that makes him sound evil. Well, if the shoe fits…. And Vicki just plain can’t stand him. With you there, lady. Now, Tamra tells Slade that he needs to be more sensitive to women’s feeling. He says there are certain people he’s not going to be sensitive to. Fine. Don’t be. But seriously just STFU about them. Grow up. Since you’re father of the year, how about be a good role model for them. This shit certainly isn’t gonna win you any awards. Vicki just wants respect. And with that, the closing montage and zero ownership of anything from Slade:
Vicki got back together with Brooks, broke up, got back, and broke up again. It’s complicated. (Um, I think it’s over.)
Briana and Troy are moving into their own apartment while Ryan is still in Afghanistan.
Heather did not reprise her role on Malibu Country because it was cancelled. She will be spending her time designing the new manse. (It’s a rough life, but someone’s gotta live it.)
Alexis is still trying to act. (Yep, that’s the extent of it)
Tamra finally opened CUT Fitness but is spending all the money on the wedding. (Please, we already know Bravo is making a wedding special for which you’ll be paid handsomely.)
Lydia and Judy are closer than ever as long as mom doesn’t smoke pot in her daughter’s house. She can put her feet up, however. (Good, we need more Judy on this show.)
Slade’s radio station was bought by a Christian broadcaster who cancelled his show. (Ah, karma.)
Gretchen doesn’t get her own ending. Whoops. (Tee hee)
Rachel: Slade is a petty petty excuse for a man. I really cannot stand him. It’s got to be bad when I am approving of Vicki being a hypocrite (yep I used that word) and acting a fool. Well, not the most dramatic season ending ever, but it should be interesting to hear Gretchen defend herself against everyone at the reunion. And I just realized that we didn’t hear Tamra yell once since she kicked Alexis out of her gym in week 4. Is that right? Is that possible?