Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 9: On Thin Guid-Ice

One Sentence Summary: Hug fests and trust falls finally find their way to the Jersey peeps.

Melissa’s Thoughts: 

We're with you Joe, our heads hurt too when your wife starts her "sexy time" talk.

We’re with you Joe, our heads hurt too when your wife starts her “sexy time” talk.

Yes, it’s time to had back to the “Healing” with Dr. V.  I don’t know about all of you, but I’m still completely convinced Teresa is has some mental disorder or chemical imbalance and really has lured everyone there under the guise of healing the family because she’s  hidden various weapons and forms of poison around the castle to slowly pick off all the Jersey crew until she’s the last one standing and then they’ll HAVE to make the show all about her.  I mean come on, Lauren has a point last week questioning if they were just trying to get Caroline up there to kill her.  I mean if you’re going to want to dump a body, upstate New York has a ton of options that most folks don’t even know about much less go to look for dead reality stars.

Have Fun Storming The Castle

Convinced of her own strength and because she saw it on a movie once, Teresa attempts to snap Melissa spine by hugging her... no such luck.

Convinced of her own strength and because she saw it on a movie once, Teresa attempts to snap Melissa spine by hugging her… no such luck.

We head back to Teresa and Joey and the hug session from last week, and what’s with the bite marks on Joey’s hand?  Anyone else notice those?  Hmmm… I wonder what caused them.  Sorry, you all know I’m easily distracted.  Teresa doesn’t want Joey to cry but the good doc wants them to do it more.  Joey wants her to put her dukes down and change her ways.  Teresa wants it to be about the whole family and not just the two of them so Dr. V thinks it’s a good time to go get Melissa to include her in the chat.

Meanwhile, Melissa is entertaining Caroline with her side of events until Dr. V arrives.  Upon meeting Caroline she tells her she’s F-ing exhausted.  Btw, I’m sort of on the fence with a doctor dropping F-bombs like she does.  On one side it’s who she is I guess and we should appreciate it, on the other it seems a bit odd… none of my past doctors have ever dropped bombs like this one.  Melissa heads off to join the discussions with Joey and Teresa.

Teresa thinks she has always welcomed Melissa with open arms but Melissa turned on her when she scored Joey.  The doc checks in on everyone and Melissa is still suspect of the situation.  So we fade in and out throughout the session and geez, I wonder how long they sat there so they had enough of this shit to splice together.  For real, we all know how much I dislike televised therapy, but I can’t even begin to fathom the exhausting hours it took to review all that footage.  Teresa continues to maintain her innocence that she’s not doing anything… She’s merely drama adjacent.  Oh yeah, good Dr. V just called Teresa a dumb-ass.  OK, maybe I like this one.

At least the rest of the crew gets to head outside for a little frolicking in the snow during the what I’m assuming are hours of therapy.

Dr. V gets Melissa to agree to put her bag of shit aside and move on and she’s willing to meet Teresa half way.  I’m not sure what happened, but Teresa decides she wants a hug session with Melissa and they agree to work on things.  The last piece of the family dysfunction is Juicy and Teresa heads off to go find him for the session.

Did Teresa just tell Juicy Dr. V was hot?  Screw credentials, if you’re blonde or have good legs you’re legit (not mocking our hot doc or anything, I’m sure she’s qualified as shit – just trying to align with Tre’s perspective).  Over tea everyone decides to pretend to be civil and discuss the previous day’s throw down.  Juicy finds himself being drawn in to protect his wife but he didn’t charge into the fight.  When Dr. V asks Juicy how he’ll contribute to them being a family he dodges the question and Dr. sass asks him to please play along today.  NICE!  Oh yeah, this one is growing on me.  Wait, Juicy apologized to the Gorgas?  Well, I mean he didn’t really sound like he meant it, but Doc buys it.

UGH, really Rich can’t you control your comments about women for 1 episode?  I mean, I’ll agree to a point that the reason Juicy agreed to meet with the doc was Teresa said she was hot and he thought he could slip her his digits.  Wait, I’m with you Kath, she’s leaving?  How much do we think she got paid for those few hours?

It’s all smiles back in the dining room except for Kathy who feels left out of the therapy session.  So what does our Miss Kath do, but tries for a pick up game of therapy.  Oh this will not end well.  WAIT, WHAT??  What just happened here?  Did Teresa just apologize for what she said to Kathy?  Hang on.  Maybe I should put down my glass because clearly I’m starting to hear things.

Fishing For A Fight

yes it tastes like burnt lighter fluid, but it will dull the pain of spending an afternoon ice with the Joes

Yes it tastes like burnt lighter fluid, but it will dull the pain of spending an afternoon on ice with the Joes

The men and Rosie head out to start fishing and their only beverage option is Scotch while Teresa rallies the ladies to cook.

Jacqueline Flash

Back in Jersey Jac is cooking until a call from Caroline comes in to dish on the happenings upstate.  Jacqueline warns not to get involved like she did and end up with the blame for the failed relationship.  Jacqueline doesn’t want that stress in her life, she wants Buddha.

 Ice Ice Baby

So the boys and Rosie meet up with Don their ice fishing instructor who is clearly a bit better equipped for the elements than his “students”.  Maybe that should be the first instruction, wear a second layer so you don’t freeze your ass off.  I was in Lake George once and it was -17 on my truck temperature gauge.  Not wind chill mind you… just the regular old temperature.  It’s the kind of cold that you worry your eyes are going to freeze open (or closed for that matter).  Anyway, the crew are all on their buckets fishing and Rich shares his worry about leaving the ladies behind.  Speaking of, the ladies are in the kitchen cooking and drinking while Melissa just complains about her makeup and lashes being ruined and asks if anyone wants to get drunk.  Oh boy.

Rich always the button pusher wants to know who they think won the fight while Juicy says it doesn’t matter that they all made up.  So of course Joey can’t let sleeping dogs lie and claims he didn’t even try to fight but went for Juicy’s balls but couldn’t find them.  Yeah, and of course Don wants to get as far away from these morons as he can, but hey, it’s a paying gig right?  Of course Juicy comes back with how quickly he whooped Joey’s ass and we’re right back where we started and all of the good doctor’s progress has been reversed.  Joey thinks Juicy needs to get off his high horse because he can be a dick.  Rosie seems to be wishing she hadn’t consumed so much Scotch in case the has to break up a fight this time around.  Ew, and Rich has seen Rosie in the shower?  How does that happen??  Nevermind, I never want to know.  HOWEVER, I now have a new term for the overgrown bush to add to my collection… soul train.  I don’t know if it will replace disco bush or Sasquatch, but it might make the top 5.  At least that gets the boys to laugh.

The more we drink, the more we can tolerate each other.

The more we drink, the more we can tolerate each other.

Back at the castle Melissa is taking the vodka down right from the bottle.  I’m going on record that NO good can come of that behavior.  She’s decided while the ladies cook it’s her job to make drinks for them.  The boys return and Melissa continues pouring the drinks.  Her theory is if she has no kids or a need to drive she’s allowed to get drunk.  DAMN, that girl is all about her booze and out of control.  That’s just not a safe situation for ya there sweetie.  A toast to family and friends is raised and Juicy tells Caroline he thought Chris and Jac were coming so he brought a bottle of wine they made for her to take to them.  Caroline shares that working with Nicholas is a 24/7 thing for them and their tough road.  Rich tells Juicy he thinks he should call Chris since they were such good friends and maybe he should drop the bottle himself as Joey channels his inner Buddha and suggests sometimes you have to just let things go.

Date Night

A rare date night for Chris and Jac and dinner sounds delish.  What do you want to bet the phone will ring and it’s their update?  OK, I feel dirty listening to them talk about thie son “finding himself”… well, at least Chris detours us to a story of his self-discovery and I’m pretty much checked out at this point.  Please don’t continue this conversation.  Wait, let me top off at least if I’m going to have to listen to these folks discovery stories.  YIKES.  Wait, Joey claims he had sex at 9?  Oh, that’s just a terrifying thought!!  Of course Jac can’t help but muse if it was with Teresa and that’s where all this is coming from.  Um, really?  I didn’t need that thought dancing around in my brain… knocking normal thoughts around like a mosh pit.

Trust No One

Proving he'll try to feel up anyone he goes after his own sister-in-law

Proving he’ll try to feel up anyone he goes after his own sister-in-law

FINALLY we get to the trust falls and as Rosie falls back to Rich he does as only we would expect Rich to do and he catches her by her fun bags.  Really Rich, that’s your sister in law, and this is fresh off you announcing she has a disco bush… sorry, soul train afro on her lady parts.  You seriously skeeve beyond compare.  Juicy is up next and Melissa in her 6 inch stilettos is going to attempt it, but Juicy being the smart one he is questions her ability to catch him.  Teresa wants to catch Caroline but only if she one day sees Teresa and Jacqueline do it.  Caroline saw what she wanted to see and it was the look on her face and the tears in her eyes.

So of course we flash back to Chris and Jacqueline at dinner not trusting Teresa, nor does she want a relationship with her.

Teresa tries to side step Caroline’s request, but Caroline won’t give up and wants Teresa to do it for the relationship because she thinks there’s hope.

The group heads up to their rooms while Teresa wants Juicy to sit by the fire and enjoy.  He decides after all is said and done and what happened in the castle, they need to give Jacqueline and Chris a pass for everything and make amends.  I don’t always agree with Juicy, but I’m in his camp with that one.  They do need a pass.  Come on, you’re going to let stupid shit get in the way of a friendship?? Listen, I can pass judgment because I was dumb and faught over stupid shit and didn’t speak to the other winey bitch for 2 decades.  Granted, had we been friends during that time who knows how many jails we would have found ourselves hung over in, but that’s not the point.  Let shit go people, life is too short for the drama.  Teresa tries to fight the fight, but Juicy reminds her if she keeps bringing up the past nothing is ever going to happen.

Jacqueline thinks her issues with Teresa aren’t things that can be fixed, and she sees it as a lifestyle change.

Juicy wants Teresa to get over it and end the bullshit.  He has a soft heart and gets emotional, and in a rare moment I kinda like him.  Then as he growls at Teresa’s suggestion for a tub all of the potential is lost.

Bottom Line:

I’m still convinced it’s the calm before the storm for Teresa… she’s up to something I tell ya!!


One response to “Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 9: On Thin Guid-Ice


    Good morning Pye, have a good day and be careful.

    Sent from my iPad

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