The Bachelorette Season 9, Week 10 – Fantasy Not-So-Sweet

One Sentence Summary:  It’s Fantasy Suite time, but not everyone is feeling groovy.

Our Thoughts:

How not to hug.

How to hug without commitment.

Rachel:  So, I’m in line at the grocery store today perusing the trash mag headlines – Khloe Kardashian’s Life After Lamar, The Royal Baby’s Nickname, How Kim Kardashian Lost The Baby Weight – when I see one that actually doesn’t make my eyes roll into the back of my head.   Apparently, our fair Brooks was caught making out with a…. wait for it… cougar!  Shocking, I know!  As a card carrying member of the Cougar Club, I actually applaud that, but clearly there’s more to the headline than Brooks’ taste for older women.  It also indicates that he’s not with Des, who clearly would never send him home on her own.  So, couple that with the fact that she was the first Bachelorette to not gush about how in love she is on the reunion show, one can deduce that Brooks bails.  I know, I know… It’s amazing that I missed out on being a detective.  I’m pretty sure Brooks is packing his bags and heading back to Salt Lake City without having gotten on bended knee, but that’s not the bold part of my prediction.  I think we all are on that page.  I also have a feeling Drew is leaving too.  Yeah, I said it.  They showed us Drew seemingly bailing earlier this season and they showed Chris in a suit crying.  I don’t actually know what it all means, but that’s my big prediction.  I also drink a lot, so keep that in mind.

Melissa:  Bring on the.  most.  shocking.  finale.  ever!  Imma call it now… Brooks breaks her heart.  I’m going to place this bet like I have the inside track.  He’s been playing hard to get and there’s a reason for it.  He’s a spy with multiple secret identities and families around the world and he was getting too close to having his cover blown and have all the world spy organizations chasing him down.  What?  It could happen.  THAT would be shocking.  I mean at least more shocking than he’s just not into you… and that’s where I think we’re headed tonight, my friends.  My money is on the long hair to break the heart.

Rehash The Hash

Well at least the view doesn't suck.

Well at least the view doesn’t suck.

Rachel:  So, in case you missed even one minute of the season or weren’t sure what we were in for these last two episodes, the generous souls at abc are going to walk us through it all… again.  Seriously, they need a montage intervention. But we do find out that Des is in Antigua for her Fantasy Suite dates.  And then more flashbacks and previews. Um, is there an actual show tonight?  They never fail to waste our time.  I mean 10 full minutes of this?  Do you know how many things I could have done with those 10 minutes? Me either, but I’m sure it’s a lot.

Melissa:  So here we are in some tropical oasis and I’m so distracted by trying to figure out where she is that I found myself in the middle of a tears montage – Really, can’t we slowly get into the tears?  Like getting into a cold pool, you work your way in slowly.  Hey, she’s in Antigua!  Then I completely agree, it’s beautiful.  Hubs and I honeymooned there.  I really loved it.  I mean I never sketched dresses sitting by the ocean, but I drank a lot (shocker) and sailed around the island and didn’t once think Jaws was going to attack our boat.  Sorry, tangent – I didn’t mean to ramble I was just trying to distract myself from the bazillion montages we’re rocking in the first 8 minutes.  You know what though, I bet they could get through this whole business in 1 hour if we didn’t have to flashback on EVERYTHING.

Blonde Ambition

The storm before the storm.

The storm before the storm.

Rachel:  Drew is up first, which makes me think I might already be wrong in my bold prediction.  They wouldn’t put him first if he were bailing… though maybe Brooks goes first and THEN Drew goes.  Who knows.  Maybe I should just watch and find out.

Des is taking Drew around the island, which is exciting for her because Drew is really hot.  Seriously, that’s pretty much all I’m getting from her. And I can’t say I disagree.  He’s a bit too Ken Doll for me, but he’s not hard on the eyes. After some driving around, they stop in Shirley Heights where there just happens to be a party going on! What a surprise! They buy some souvenirs, have some drinks and do the limbo. By the way, the fact that Drew does the limbo is an indication of how much he loves life and how romantic he is.  I would think his need to stop driving so he could kiss her would be the romance, but hey, this is Des’s party.

They also stop at a vendor selling items made out of palm fronds who gives them a heart on the condition they share an intense kiss.  Look, I know this is all manufactured moments, but this looks like a pretty fun date.  The day part of events ends with a picnic overlooking the sea while they recap the hometown date.  Snooze.

Time for the evening portion of events, but it seems Mother Nature isn’t in the mood to cooperate. Des’s planned outdoor dinner is rained out. When will they stop pretending that the Bachelor/Bachelorettes actually plan the dates?  Ah, but there is kissing in the rain.  Pretty romantical. Can’t say that it looks like the weather is dampening anyone’s, um, spirits.  And since they can’t sit outside, Des takes Drew inside. It’s time to present the Fantasy Suite card, which loses some of it’s dramatic effect being that they’re already in the Fantasy Suite.  Needless to say, Drew is in.  He can’t wait to wake up next to her.  He’s had a lot of good nights, but hasn’t had a good morning yet.  Do they write this shit for them? I find it hard to believe he came up with that on his own. But he has crazy uncontrollable feelings for her and tonight is his chance to show her. I bet it is. Drew says he is ready to propose.  So with that, let’s go to bed.  Well, sit Indian style on the bed and drink champagne a la Sixteen Candles. With that, the cameras get the boot and Des gets some booty… allegedly.

Melissa:  Man, I want to go back to Antigua.  WOW, Des… take it down a notch with Drew’s looks and how hot you think he is. I love that Drew thinks the things they are buying will last forever… If by forever you mean be set afire in anger after being dropped on national television.  I love the old Antiguan dude telling them they need to up their kiss.  A little foreshadowing maybe? Poor Drew is a smitten kitten now isn’t he? How do they have a fire burning in the rain I’d like to know?  Meanwhile, call me crazy but I’m digging her pants.  OF COURSE Drew is onboard with the Fantasy Suite.  Has there ever been a guy that wasn’t onboard with it?

The Choke

Hey James, who's laughing now? Here's how you hedge your Bachelor bets.

Hey James, take a lesson. Here’s how you hedge your Bachelor bets.

Rachel:  Time for Brooks… who doesn’t look like he’s in Antigua unless a cold front blew in since last night. He tells us that he is concerned about the overnight date. Afraid you won’t measure up? Ah, no. Turns out the fear runs a little deeper… Brooks loves his relationship with Des but he’s not in the place to say that he loves her.  So, he heads to Boise to see his sister and mom for some advice.  He feels like there have been so many ups & down, which has made him think, especially after the hometown date.  He’s not ready to propose and feels like he should be further down the road with his feelings.  He wants to be in love, but he’s not.  His sister tells him that he cannot propose to her if he doesn’t love her. Yeah, seems like common sense, but then again this dude went on a game show to find love. She also thinks that if he’s having that battle within then he pretty much knows his answer already.  She thinks the real struggle is that he just doesn’t want to have to tell Des.  He just isn’t ready to be in this place with Des. He needs more time, which might be the most real moment in Bachelorette history. Sis says the he has to tell Des his feelings.  It’s better to tell her now than later.  Yeah, you might want to have that conversation BEFORE the proposal.

Melissa:  Clearly someone hasn’t gotten to Antigua yet.  Wait, is he nervous about the sleepover?  See folks, he’s totally on the fence still because he’s worried about his secret spy families finding out!  Um-hum… See, I told you so!  He WANTS to be in love, but clearly isn’t.  I CALLED IT!!  OK, for a split second there when he wasn’t talking and not looking at the camera he looked really attractive.  Can we all take a pause here to point out the fact it’s probably a small dose of reality that he’s not ready to drop to one knee? <pause>  I get the whole magical wonderment, fast and furious unrealistic love stories that are cranked out by the Bachelor(ette) franchise, but really, I can’t believe these people who up and get engaged after what, 12 weeks.

Dead Poet’s Society

Someone should tell you the difference between poetry and telling a story.

Someone should tell you the difference between poetry and just telling a story.

Rachel:  And while Brooks mulls over his future, Chris gets his date in Antigua.  She can see a lasting relationship with him, because he’s such a solid guy. Don’t hold back on the romance there, Des. Today, they’re going to see the island via helicopter. That is seriously ridiculously beautiful.

After the ride, they will be having a picnic on a private beach in Barbuda. I have to say that I can’t remember the last time I had a picnic as a date, yet this has to be her 25th picnic this season. Are they not allowed to eat indoors? I mean I get that the view is ridiculously beautiful, but I’m sure there’s a restaurant somewhere close by with just as great of a view… and a full bar.

Sidebar: My friend just pointed out something interesting… They never wear sunglasses. I guess sunglasses mask the deep emotions happening as they stare each other in the eyes. Personally, I don’t think you need to risk burning out their corneas. We can pretty much gather the gist without the assistance of eye contact. Trust me, this isn’t that deep.

Ah the mandatory kissing in the surf shot. You know that pose never actually just happens in real life. Anywho, she’s happy and Chris would make a great husband, which means now they can make out in the water.

Dinner time but I can’t concentrate on a damn word they’re saying because of that hideous squeaking in the background. Seriously, can someone please take care of that? Chris tells Des that he really likes his job and feels like Seattle affords him lots of opportunities. He wonders how she feels about that? She says California feels like home to her, but she would sacrifice for love. Sensing she might not want to move north, he quickly tells her that it could work both ways. Way to stand firm, Chris. But she feels like she could move to Seattle and make it work.  Yes, because finding a bridal shop in Seattle would be so difficult. But we all know the reality here is that Des is just agreeing to Seattle because she knows it’s never going to be an option since Brooks is already a lock for the final rose… in her mind.  Poor girl.

Time for the Fantasy Suite card. Needless to say, he also accepts. You know, because he just wants to spend as much time with her as he can. Yes, that’s the only reason. And now, we’ve come to the point of the night where we read some poetry. Collective groan in the room. You know you’ve reached maximum cheese capacity when all the women in the room groan at the thought of romantic poetry. However, it brings Des to tears and earns him time in the hot tub… and still the squeaking.  WTF, producers????  You’re killing me.

Melissa:  So here’s a question, how long are they on a location?  Is it a week?  I mean is she having a Fantasy Suite date every other day?

Helicopter! {On the wings of love… up and above the clouds… the only way to…. la,la,la…}  So, let’s just share some of the dysfunctionality (Not a word, no, but I can make up words.  It’s half my blog) that is the Winey Bitch relationship.  I can’t even see a helicopter without thinking about Rachel and humming On the Wings of Love.  It’s a truly codependent deep friendship. We can also have full conversations by just exchanging looks, which baffles everyone around us.  It’s a genius dysfunction that we thrive on.

Anyway, it’s picnic time on a private beach and it seems Chris still has some panic that his family embarrassed him.  Chris has also bought into Des’s love 100% so clearly he’s not bringing the tears.  Well, not until he gets dumped. Seattle huh, Chris?  Des’s job doesn’t count?  I mean she can draw her dresses anywhere, but that’s a bold ask.  That was the most roundabout way for her to say yes I’ve ever heard, but I’m sure they’ll smooth things out in the Fantasy Suite. I’d like to take a moment here and say for the most shocking finale ever this first hour is pretty damn lame.  I need to run to the cellar and refresh my liquid excitement.

Tick Tick…

Yeah, but you're still kind of a dick.

Yeah, but you’re still kind of a dick.

Rachel:  Brooks arrives in Antigua and Des is excited to see him.  She sees her future in him.  She enjoys the other guys, but he’s definitely the one. How awesome for the guys sitting at home watching and hearing how they were strung along for weeks on end. Brooks tells us that his head says this is it, but his heart doesn’t feel the same way.  He’s hoping that talking to Chris H today will make it easier for him… or that Chris will do his dirty work for him. Oh no, Brooks. The only dirty work Chris does is for the alleged jilted exes that come back to create drama. You’re on your own.

Brooks tells Chris that, on the dates, he could feel himself falling in love, but after the hometown date he questioned whether he was ready to say this was the woman for the rest of his life.  It’s a big deal and he doesn’t want to jump without feeling 100%.  Chris wants to know flat out if he’s in love with her or not.  Brooks doesn’t know. Chris thinks if hanging out in the Fantasy Suite and talking to her might help, then he should do it. But if this isn’t the girl, pull the ripcord now. Brooks thinks that, if he doesn’t feel it now, he never will.  So, Chris asks, even with more time, there won’t be love and there will never be love?  Pretty much no.  Chris wonders if it’s Des or if Brooks just isn’t ready to commit…. to anyone. No, that’s not it. He’s been ready to get married before, so that’s not new to him.  He does want to be in love.  He realizes that now more than ever.  It’s just not with Des. Apparently, Chris hasn’t asked the same question enough ways, so he asks again if Brooks is sure he’s not feeling it. Not surprisingly, Brooks is still not that into Des. Good Lord, Chris, how many ways does he have to say it? I know you have two hours to fill, but come on. Brooks says that he doesn’t want to hurt Des… Yeah, but methinks proposing to her might actually be a worse choice.

Finally, Chris gives up and tells Brooks that he, as a man, needs to have the conversation even if it’s going to break her heart. Way to lay the guilt down thick.

Melissa:  So now it’s Brooks’s turn to declare his love for Des.  No wait, we know that ain’t gonna happen.  I also question why we had to watch her get dressed. So let me play this out as my mind sees it going down.  He’s going to tell her he doesn’t love her enough to take a knee (like a normal person after knowing someone for 2 months).  She’s going to be rocked to the core that she didn’t see it coming and can’t believe what is happening. How can she go on? Then, she’ll cry to the other two, they’ll get they weren’t “the one” and they’ll cry too.  I’m concerned that there’s just going to be a whole mess of crying until we’re done.  There it is… my 2 cents.  Now, let’s just sit back and watch… like I said, you always chase the disinterested one.

Oh Chris H, always the man with the tough questions.  Sweet Mary, this is becoming painful to watch.  Just rip the F-ing bandaid, dude!  It’s been 2 months! Step it up and tell the truth.  Well played Brooks, I think we might have another contestant for the next Bachelor.  He’s not afraid of commitment, he just wants the RIGHT woman to commit to.  So let’s give him 25 to find love.

 …Boom

Not a good time.

Not a good time.

Rachel:  As Des waits full of hope and excitement, Brooks does the long walk to tell her his decision. Dead man walking! She tells us that she’s in love with Brooks and misses him everyday.  She would marry him if he asked. Way to set the ball on the tee.

And here we go…  She already knows something’s wrong being that he isn’t exactly coming out of his skin with excitement at seeing her.  He says that he wants to talk to her about his feelings. That is never good.  Never ever. They sit down and she knows what’s coming.  He’s been having a hard time because he really wants to find the love of his life.  He was so surprised by how strong his feelings were on their first date… The struggle is that he likes everything about her, but he has a hard time when they’re apart. He loses his feelings for her.  He wants to be madly in love with her but… He doesn’t finish because she starts crying and he doesn’t know why.  You don’t know why????  Seriously??? It’s not like it takes the brain of Einstein to know how that sentence is going to end.

She wants to know why he’s just telling her now?  He says because didn’t know until now.  Here comes the anger… She’s just done. Nope, we’re back to tears. She tells him that she loves him.  He wants to know why she didn’t tell him earlier. Uh, because she signed a contract. You know she’s not allowed. TV show… remember? He knows he’s breaking her heart.  She still wants to know why now?  He says because he just knows and he doesn’t want to drag it out anymore.  He thinks she would want to be madly in love with someone that reciprocates it.  She knows what it’s like to be madly in love. She just doesn’t know what it’s like to have it reciprocated. Ouch. But she’s not going to let him break her heart because she loves him. Yeah, I’m as lost on that one as you are. He wants her to know that he does care for her.  He tells her that he’s going home and he wishes he could tell her that he loves her. He would do anything to change things.  She can’t hear anymore. Yeah, there comes that point where you can’t even process words anymore and just want to come out of your skin; when every nice word just makes it hurt worse. And now, they have to walk it out.  I really would have peaced out by now. There’s only so long you can sit and hear someone tell you they don’t love you. Pretty sure once is enough.

She tells him that she has been conflicted because she didn’t want to give her heart to anyone else. She just wanted him. Damn, now I feel worse for the two guys obliviously basking in the afterglow of the Fantasy Suite dates. I mean here she is broken hearted because he strung her along, but let’s remember the dozen or so other guys that got strung too.

One last hug and I’m sorry.  Brooks says this is worst day of his life and way worse than he thought it would be. He hopes she finds love with Drew or Chris. He wants that for her.  And now we ping-pong between the two of them having their private crying sessions. Ack, I feel terrible for her.  That is the shittiest feeling in the world. But I think the biggest take-away from this is that there is a mascara out there that is sob-proof and I don’t know what it is.

Des know she has two guys that love her, but she is done… What that exactly means will have to wait until next week.

Melissa: Poor Des, I really wish there was another word other than blindsided for what’s about to happen.  Did you see that?  Right there, she just realized what’s about to go down.  Man, that’s twice she’s been dumped on national television.  That’s some serious shit to process.  She was supposed to be in control this time and that rug just got yanked again. There’s a part of me that wants to just walk up to her, grab her by the elbow and drag her away.

Wait, I just realized there’s another 20 minutes of tears!!  This is painful.  Guess this will be a “no” for the Fantasy Suite tonight.

She didn’t want to share her heart with anyone but wanted to give it to him.  Here’s a suggestion for you future Bachelor(ettes):  You need to create a secret “tell” or a safety word, if you will, so you don’t get yourself into this awkward situation.  Wait, why is Brooks crying?  Oh, selling his “I just want to find love” story.

Well, you are in a bit of a pickle now my dear.  Wait, what??  We’re cutting?

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Lord that was painful and we still have three more hours until we get to the end of this drama.  But now I’m thinking that Brooks should be the next Bachelor.  And maybe Des can go back on the show as the crazy girl that comes back to find love another time.  I know Juan Pablo is the popular vote, and while I agree for eye candy reasons, I think it might get boring after 2 weeks.  Just sayin… Or maybe Brooks will realize the error of his ways and come back.  Doubtful.  But what I think would make for really great TV would be a cage match between Des’s brother and Brooks.  Oh, I’d pay-per-view the hell out of that.

Melissa:  No for real… another whole week of the crying?  I’m going to need to pull out the big guns for that one!

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2 responses to “The Bachelorette Season 9, Week 10 – Fantasy Not-So-Sweet

  1. Wow. This episode was weird, imo. Brooks is typically male when it comes to breaking up with a woman. Salt meet wound. I really felt for Desiree. That being said. I think Brooks comes back.
    This is the most boring season imo.

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