Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 8: Scum One, Scum All

One Sentence Summary: ‘Roid rage runs rampant upstate.

Shirtless to prove you're a badass... hey, it worked for the Vanderpump Rules boys.

Only when you go shirtless can you prove you’re a badass… hey, it worked for the Vanderpump Rules boys.

Melissa’s Thoughts: 

It’s the brawl that changes it all for the NJ clan…  At least for the moment.  I can’t wait to see all the posturing and posing between the Joes who really don’t want to get into a legit fight and risk getting hurt.  For real, I’ve seen 4 year olds throw down over a ball and it’s more legit than than I think these two will go at it.  Let’s face it, neither really wants to risk an injury but they have to prove they’re manly so let let the windmill arms fly!!

Cut to the Chase

We’re back to the fight with Teresa and Joe where she tells him to stick with his blood and he calls her scum and she runs to Juicy.  Now he, not to be outdone by his brother in law (I mean he’s the only one to call Teresa names) goes after Joey as the facilitators wisely stay far away from this drama. Limbs and legs fly until other family members pull the boys from each other and Melissa runs Joey’s hat back to him (um, what, why?).  the boys posture and pretend like only they can do that a world of hurt will be opened up on the other at a mere word but we all know the truth… they fight like two girl scouts over the rights to set up shop outside the local Shop Rite.  Well, hang on, let’s be honest, those girl scouts can be pretty devious with their thin mints and the Joes can’t hold a candle to a girl scout scorned.  I digress, we’re back in the room and the ladies keep screaming at each other as the men “break it up”.  Again, I have to think these facilitators are soooo regretting taking this job.  Teresa isn’t sure what happened other than her brother got into a mood and went on the rampage.  Um, nothing to do with Juicy’s ‘roid rage?  No, of course not.  Let’s continue to play the blame game.  I would like to know who all these bald dudes came from that are keeping the men apart?  Production staff?  Teresa continues with her her rant that her brother is out of control and they need to leave while the others wonder what the black marks are all over them while we catch a glimpse of the team builders who are begging to go back to the Middle East than deal with these whack jobs.  Oh yeah, of course Joey needed to take off his shirt in his own ‘roid rage.  Seriously, what’s up with the needing to take off clothing when fighting?  I mean really, can’t we go back to the days of the jets and sharks when they just danced around and no one needed to prove their pecks were bigger?

So it’s a conflict of stories of who broke the men apart with both Melissa and Teresa staking claim to the rights to say they were the one.

Behind closed doors the rants continue as both couples pack and declare they are out of there.  Teresa doesn’t know what she did to deserve the behavior while Kathy was worried about her nose job (HA!!).  Joey is done at this point, and all he wants are his parents.  Down the hall Teresa and Juicy decide not to leave because they drove 4 hours to get there.  Teresa thinks if her father knew Joey called her the names he did it would break his heart (or he’d side with his son after seeing a few episodes… just sayin) .  Rosie and the rest of the crew don’t want to leave but want to get to a resolution.  Rich would love to tell Teresa she’s wrong on so many levels and decides he’s the one to tell her.

Meanwhile Teresa is still upset she had to break up the fight (or go running for a phone to call the police… whatever) so she can’t really listen to Rich.  As she continues to screech on at Rich who tells her she was wrong to bring Juicy into the fight.    Rosie finally loses her shit at the group and tells them all they’re family.  OY, Methinks the Gorgas might want to move to the West Coast to get away from this BS.  Maybe you can join up with the OC ladies Melis.

In the Gorga room Joey is crying over the fight while Melissa tries to tell him he’s twice the man as Juicy.  Rich challenges Teresa if she loves her brother she needs to go and tell him she loves him.  Rich asks Juicy what his issue with Joey is and they have no beef, they grew up together.  Really, you’re going to stick with that story while you bash him weekly?  M’okay Juice.

So Rosie goes to Joey and tells him to talk to Teresa, but Melissa doesn’t trust Teresa and refuses to leave the room.  I’m seriously about done with this whole silliness.  Teresa is insane and won’t see anything as her fault.

Oh, here come the facilitators after they’ve had a chance to regroup (and by regroup I think jagger bombs were involved)  and whispered a collective WTF at this situation.  They remind Joey the passion he and Teresa have is their achilles heel but what will also get them through the situation and not to let the hate consume him.  He wisely suggests not to have a conversation tonight but to let it rest.

Meanwhile Juicy wants to go out to dinner just the two of them and have a good time and while she hugs him he reminds her she has a dum-dum brother.  Way to let sleeping dogs lie Juice.

Finally at dinner we learn the source of the black smudges all over everyone… it’s Joey’s “hairspray”.  You know the special ones from the infomercials that covers your bald spot, er, make your hair look thicker?  No wonder everyone was covered in it!!  OK friends, I literally laughed out loud at the idea he’s spraying his bald spot.  DUDE, just shave your head.  Be a man about it.  Everyone knows your secret now.

If I had to see it, you have to suffer too.

If I had to see it, you have to suffer too.

Ew, Teresa and Juicy are in the tub?  WHY BRAVOW?  WHYYYYYYY?  Oh that poor waiter having to witness their “sexy time” (vomit).  I’m so beyond skeeved for myself… but that poor kid!  What he might have glimpsed through the water?!  I’m still skeeved Bravo hasn’t cut back to the others eating.  For real, I would deal with the Rich shit show than watch this… no, I would be enraptured by it rather than watch this.  I don’t need to see her give Juicy “a little brown chicken, brown chow” – yep, brown chow… not cow.  That wasn’t a typo.  OMG I’m going to bleed from the eyes!!  OMG I’m going to bleed from the ears!!

The Morning After

Poor Kathy is still trying to sleep while Rich is making mimosas and Rosie has opted to forgo the orange juice for her mimosa.

Meanwhile Teresa sneaks off to the bathroom to make a call to Caroline to fill her in on everything and ask for her help getting through to her brother.  Wait a minute, she has the balls to ask her to schlep herself up there to fix it?

While Teresa pleads to Caroline, Joey and Melissa talk about Teresa and wanting to go home (like normal people).

Back In Jersey

Caroline debriefs the upstate sitch to Lauren who thinks this is the usual Teresa BS – I do love that kid!!  See also thinks it’s a plot for them to kill Caroline – which I totally get her point.

The Good Doctor

Dr. V with her Italian vagina arrives to fix the crew.

Dr. V with her Italian vagina arrives to fix the crew.

So here’s Dr. V knocking on the door.  Who is this Dr. V?  Teresa thinks she’ll be great because she’s pretty (um??).  Hang on, did she just say she’s Italian where it counts… Her vagina?  WTF does that even mean… And offering to have Teresa check it out?  Are we going to be holding mirrors to our chooches the first session?  So here’s Teresa delivering her side of the story again going all the way back to the Posh show years ago.  Wait a minute, I don’t know if Teresa is going to like this if Dr. V is telling her she might have a problem too.

So therapy starts at breakfast with the good doc getting Melissa’s side of the deal.  So in Teresa’s mind, garbage and scum are horrible names, but c*nt is perfectly acceptable because it wasn’t to her face, just behind her back to a miscellaneous person while the entire Bravo nation watched.  Yeah, there’s logic Tre – not to mention the fact she calls her brother pussy-whipped.

Couch Time

My sister is obsessed with me?  You don't say!

My sister is obsessed with me? You don’t say!

Joey heads off with Dr. V for the first round of therapy (you all know how I feel about televised therapy) with her asking why he thinks Teresa made the call to get help.  The good doctor tells him she thinks Teresa doesn’t think he’s capable of making good choices and therefore wants to control everything.  Well, I don’t have a PhD but I called that business years ago!  Joey admits he doesn’t want to make it work at this point.

Rosie still wants everyone to be happy and admit their part in everything.  Come on Rosie, how are you still fighting that fight??

With Teresa in the room Joey tells her his goal for the trip was to make Teresa stop trying to take them down and break them up.  Teresa claims she would never want to do that (just get her minions to do it).  He doesn’t trust her and he needs time.  While the good doc tries to make progress Caroline arrives (damn girl, how fast did you all drive??) wondering why she’s going back into the crazy.  I’m going to wager a guess bravo said we’re sending a car, get dressed.  Teresa is still playing her game that there isn’t a lot of time to fix things and she’s so upset.

Joey thinks life without his parents and Teresa is tough.  Joey doesn’t want to hate anymore, and Teresa reminds him he doesn’t hate him (just Melissa).  The good doctor thinks they need couple’s time together.  Teresa’s lapping it up like a Winey Bitch at a half price martini night.  Teresa hits octaves that literally made my dog’s head pick up and Joey goes in for a brotherly hug.

No Teresa, it's just a hug, he does't want to make out with you.

No Teresa, it’s just a hug, he does’t want to make out with you.

Bottom Line:

How the hell did Dr. Feelgood get them to hug it out?!  She totally pulled a “these are not the droids you are looking for” on these two… maybe there’s hope yet.


4 responses to “Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 8: Scum One, Scum All

  1. Lol! You crack me up! I totally agree the “romantic” scene with Theresa and Joe was disgusting – she’s so desperate to show the world how hot her and Joe’s love life is – I guess to counteract all the stories about his infidelities. It’s just sad and pathetic.

  2. I can’t even lie like a good wanna-be liar (Teresa)…I was a little happy to read the news about T and Juicy Jackass today. Karma’s a motha.

    • Rumor has it MMH Bravo is thinking of canning RHONJ over it all. Fingers crossed it’s a false rumor… but who knows, the reality Gods are a fickle bunch.

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