The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 9: The Men Tell All

One Sentence Summary:  It’s time for the jilted bachelors to return and have their say.

Our Thoughts:

Gotta love the audience at these things.  They actually think this is real.

Gotta love the audience at these things. They actually think this is real.

Rachel:  Well, here we are.  Time to hear Brian, Bryden, Ben and James all justify their actions; provided they all show up.  It’s also time to spend half the evening watching montages.  Honestly, I wish they spent more time actually talking to the guys.  Half of them have no reason to be there other than to fill a seat.  It should be called “A Couple Of Guys Tell All”.  But I think what I’m most sad about is that there will be no preview of Bachelor Pad.  How did that show not make it?  I mean is there anything more entertaining than a bunch of rejected bachelors and bachelorettes competing for money while trying to hook up with half the house?  I think not.  But, alas, abc thinks differently.  Life, she is a cruel mistress.

Melissa:  Aw yeah baby… it’s the Men Tell All, and I might as well tell all and admit I had a few glasses of sangria at dinner.  Not to mention the free shot my (not-so) local Mexican brings you with the check.  That’s right, I’ve gotten my fiesta on just to dull the pain of the bitchy whiney men telling all who will listen how they’ve been wronged and how they were there for the right reasons (stubbornly cross arms and kick the dirt with extended bottom lip)!  Cheers my friends, let’s get it on!

Times A-Wasting

Hi, it's me, Des!  And I brought Ashley with me to lead the chicken dance!

Hi, it’s me, Des! And I brought Ashley with me to lead the chicken dance!

Rachel:  Since the show is about the rejected men telling their stories, let’s start with Des & Chris party crashing Bachelorette viewing parties.  I mean who finds this interesting?  I mean they already did this once and it was not that much of a good time.  Why are we doing it again?  Holy wasting my time with past contestants.  Trista?  Really, Trista?  We care because…. Oh wait, we don’t.  Sorry kids, I’m a bit crank tonight.  I just want to get my Juan Pablo on and then go to sleep.

But apparently, we haven’t had enough time filler because Des now sits down with Ashley, Ali & Emily to discuss how to talk to the “bad boys” tonight.  Lord, please, stop wasting my time!  I’m about to punch my TV.  I seriously cannot see Emily one more minute.  I’ve hit maximum capacity for all things Emily.  And did she get bigger boobs?  Anyway, Ali doesn’t get why no one liked Ben.  With ya there, lady.  Everyone hates Brian.  As for James, Ali doesn’t get him and him thinking about being the Bachelor.  She never once felt like she could be the Bachelorette while she was on Jake’s season.  And yet, there she was being the Bachelorette.  So, if she never thought about it, then there could be no way someone else would?  Uh yeah, except that men and women… wait for the news flash… don’t think about things the same way!

Melissa:  So thanks to Chris for filling us all in on the details of the show… you know like we weren’t watching the past however many weeks.  That’s right, they’re doing the party crashing schtick again.  Yes, it worked for Sean because they were hoping he’d take his shirt off at the party.  I honestly can’t believe these parties.  I almost feel bad for these folks that this is their big night out.  This is a ladies night?  Honey, you need to get you and your girls out and have some cocktails.  SO strange… Then again, here I sit blogging about it all.  What does that say about me??  So now we have Ashley and JP in on the action?  Really?  Oy, don’t want to give up on those 15 minutes, do you kids?  What’s up with Ashley? She doesn’t even look like herself.  Looks like they’re pulling out all the stops to push the Bachelor(ette) franchise.  I mean, I’d be all about the party bus, but my goodness!!

Wait, we don’t even get to start off with the men folks?  We need to sit through more faces from the past?  For real abc, we could totally cut this to an hour if we ditched all this silliness,  Speaking of silliness, what’s up with Em’s hair??  Hello extension addict.  Yeah, I’m totally not getting the point of this segment and almost feel like fast forwarding.  Maybe I should see what’s in the cellar to get me through the segment. Surely I can drown out the voices with some Rioja.  This is mind-numbing and Ashley really needs to rethink going back to bangs. What’s up with that forehead?  Yes, I love the ex-Bachelorettes want to confront the men for all the ladies out in the world.  Oh the power you have!!  OUCH, I think I just sprained my ocular socket rolling my eyes at this.

Thank goodness there are bloopers – a bit staged, but bloopers nonetheless.

The Men

No, I'm not Chris.  I only played him for a few episodes before getting sent home.

No, I’m not Chris. I only played him for a few episodes before getting sent home.

Rachel:  Finally, the men, half of whom will never get to say a word – Will & Robert for example.  We start with Zak W who had no expectations going in.  He had a great time and would sign up again.  Juan Pablo said the drama was interesting.  You have to know how to handle “different” people.  Michael says he was surprised that most of them got along.  He expected more drama…  Yeah, you certainly tried to stir up as much as you could. Cue drama montage.  Oh yeah, I totally forgot about drunk fantasy suite guy from the first night.  What a douche.  And I still think that whole Brian drama was weird.  That chick freaks me out and I’m not convinced she isn’t a total psycho with a bad Michael Jackson nose job.

Jonathan, aka Drunken Fantasy Suite Guy, was shocked he didn’t get booed.  Michael says that’s because no one remembered him.  Oh Michael, you’re still a douche.  Jonathan apologizes for his behavior.  It was a joke gone wrong.  Yeah, way wrong.

Chris lets us know that Brian chose not to show up tonight so they’ll just have to talk about him.  He didn’t show up to get skewered?  I don’t blame him.  Mikey says he’s a coward.  Kasey says it left a bitter taste in his mouth because his date was that day.  Brandon says you just don’t hurt a woman ever.  But you do fall in love with her after 2 days and cry about it non-stop.  Juan Pablo says the show was not a competition to him.  He can’t win everything.  At the end of the day, she decided who she had a connection with and that’s how it goes.  Why don’t we just let Juan Pablo narrate tonight’s show?

Melissa:  It’s funny, I hardly recognize any of these men they were so interchangeable. Well, with the exception of Juan Pablo who I wouldn’t mid seeing as the next Bachelor truth be told.  Hello JP!  Let me get the phone book and you just go on and read the names off to me. Oofah that’s some sexy accent. I’m too busy thinking about that accent that I’m only half-heartedly watching the boys gone wrong montage.  Let’s get to the hot seat shall we?

So Brian with the girl back home doesn’t show, but hey, let’s talk about the guy who can’t defend himself!  Don’t get me wrong, he’s a douche for that shit he pulled, but why give him any airtime?  Btw, I loves me some Juan Pablo.  Have I said that yet?

Ben

Stupid insipid little people.  Why am I wasting my time?

Yeah, but I’m still gonna laid off of this.

Rachel:  Ben’s turn in the hot seat.  Time to justify the limo exit.  He says that at that point he had just been dumped by a girl he liked, he had been battered for 8 hours by Michael so he lost it.  Chris wants to know how there could be such a difference between him with Des and him with the guys?  Ben says guys are just different with girls.  Mikey says that you should be able to bring the girl you like around your guys.  Somehow that’s a commentary on being yourself at all times. Juan Pablo says saying that there is nothing good about saying you’re not there to make friends.  It just sets things off on the wrong foot. Ben tries to justify his behavior, but the guys aren’t having it.  He’s fake and he’s not a real father.  The father digs are kinda lowdown dirty in my opinion. Trash Ben.  Leave the kid out of it. Ben’s kid’s mom allegedly approached Dan in Vegas & said he’s a cheater.  Ben doesn’t believe it. I’ll believe it when I see if on the cover of Us Magazine. Zak says the way Juan Pablo talked about his daughter made him realize that Ben isn’t the same way about his son.  And so we have resolved nothing other than the guys still don’t like Ben and he finds it amusing.  Thank you for your time, Ben.

Melissa:  So why do we always have to watch the montages like we don’t all recall these episodes – especially Ben.  I’ll ‘fess that Ben had me the first night with the kid, but he totally lost me.  Aw, love that the conversation turned back to Juan Pablo being an awesome dad.  For real abc, that’s your next Bachelor right there. I’m seeing the intros now… JP in boxer briefs juggling a soccer ball before taking a drink of water that he accidentally ends up dumping down the front of him while… Oh, sorry… Um, I got kind of distracted.  Sorry, where were we… Oh, it’s a commercial.

James

OK, I've had enough.  One more word and me and my floods are gonna wipe the floor with you.

OK, I’ve had enough. One more word and me and my floods are gonna wipe the floor with you.

Rachel:  Now, James the next “bad boy” is up.  I’m actually looking forward to understanding how Mikey is still a good guy in all this when he had the convo too.  Chris wants to know exactly what was said.  James says Mikey was frustrated about not getting a rose on the group date and the conversation turned to what would happen if they weren’t chosen and then to being the next bachelor.  From there, they discussed other things that will happen after the show ends.  It’s just a conversation that real men have.  This real woman 100% agrees.  Chris wants to know why the confrontation from the men that overhead them lingered until they got to Spain.  James has no idea why.  He thinks they should have confronted each other as men.  Mikey got sent home and it took 6 more days for him to be confronted.  James had a great time with Des and felt a great connection.  The guys owe him an apology and ruined his chances.  Can we hear from Mikey please?  Finally, we do.  Mikey says the conversation is essentially what James said it was.  It was two dudes talking about what happens if it doesn’t work out on the show.  There was no “master plan”.  I told you these guys were drama. Seriously, did they make them take estrogen before filming? And speaking of estrogen, Kasey is now defending his position that James & Mikey had a master plan. Kasey is a pussy. Hashtag loser. Mikey takes exception to this and gets in Kasey’s face. Punch him out, Mikey! PUNCH HIM! I’ve never liked Mikey more than I do right now.  Chris says you’re all in for Des or you’re not.  Yeah, sure, Chris. Pretty sure you got your man card pulled a long time ago. Juan Pablo likes James, but wouldn’t want his daughter or sister to date him.  Ha, let’s talk about dating you, JP.

Melissa:  Poor James needs to realize that, when on reality television, nothing is sacred and personal.  There are ears everywhere, dude.  That’s just reality 101. You need to keep pace with the game and keep your shit on lock down.  I have to say, though, I’m really tired of this whole drama.  Who cares what happened at this point? It’s so irrelevant and they are seriously just making themselves look ridiculous, and I’m not talking James or Mikey.  I’m totally disconnected from this silliness at this point. Blah blah blah… he’s not there for the right reasons. Time to steal a few nips from my cocktail to distract from the girlyness of these men.

Juan Pablo

Hola, lover.

Hola, lover.

Rachel:  Time for the fan favorite Juan Pablo; the man we barely got to know.  Yeah, that was a big mistake abc.  And while I thank you for the time tonight, it’s not enough.  Bring me some “next bachelor” news right now abc.  Please!  I mean what girl wouldn’t ride that soccer ball all the way to the goal line?  Chris wants to know more about Juan Pablo.  Does he date?  Ha, have you not seen him?  JP says dating is hard because weekends are with his daughter. Yeah, I’m gonna venture a guess and say that there are a few women that would be done with some Monday – Thursday lovin.  I do love that his daughter made fun of Des’s Americanization of his name.  While he does embrace his Latin side, he doesn’t like the Latin stereotype.  He’s a father first.  Anyone else drooling?  Bachelor.  Bach-e-lor!  BACH-E-LOR!

Melissa:  Hells yeah!  It’s about EFFING time JP got some play!  Oh, and there’s a montage.  I love a montage – well, when it’s Juan Pablo.  Oh he SOOO needs to be the next Bachelor!!

Zak

So you don't mind if we read your personal thoughts here on national TV, do you?  Come on... You can be the next bachelor...

So you don’t mind if we read your personal thoughts here on national TV, do you? Come on… You can be the next bachelor…

Rachel:  Zak is up next on the hot seat, but first… you guessed it: a montage.  Seems Zak wrote her a message in invisible ink in a journal that he gave her during the show, which of course, Chris just happens to have with him.  He doesn’t regret his time on the show, but really would like to find his partner.  He’s 31 and most of his friends are married.  He doesn’t want to be the creepy single guy roaming bars. He’s so awesome and funny. I still can’t believe Des sent him home over milquetoast Drew and Snoozetown Brooks.  Apparently, personality isn’t her thing.  He thinks he came on strong and took some risks, but if she’s willing to accept a person like that, he had a shot.  He spends half his year on the rig so he has to find creative ways to find girls.  And if you thought the journal was just there as show, you’d be wrong.  Chris wants to read what was written for Des. Zak agrees (as if he had a choice).  And it’s lovely.  In case you missed it, here is what he wrote:

Love is it.  The only reason to open your home to a stranger.  The one creature worthy of surrendering freedom.  No risk is too great.  No apprehension justifiable.  All hope is rooted in it, because love is our only hope for happiness.  And I am happy to say this is love.

Swoon. Move over, Chris, you’ve just been replaced as the poetry king.  Zak is still in love with her and it will be tough to see her, but he does have something to say to her.

Melissa:  Hmmm, I don’t know if I remember the journal with the invisible ink.  I will say though that this little goof won me over.  I mean namesake aside, I really took a liking to him.  Aw, what a sweet poem that was… what a sweetie.  I think he’s on abc’s list.

Des

Oh damn, Juan Pablo is really hot!

Oh damn, Juan Pablo is really hot!

Rachel:  It’s Des’s turn and she starts in on Jonathan first… and hard.  Take it down a notch, babe. He was on the show for a hot minute. Save the venom for the real bad guys.  She does accept his apology though. Brian isn’t there to defend himself but Ben is so she’ll start on him next.  She felt that he was insincere and she couldn’t see emotion in his eyes.  Well, that’s a change from the show.  She didn’t appreciate his arrogance in the limo.  He apologizes.  She thinks he puts on a persona and she doesn’t really know who Ben is.  He wants to know how she could give Michael a rose after treating him badly for 8 hours. Ah yes, these bachelors talk back. I like.

But enough about that, let’s talk about James.  Apparently, you don’t think about your second wife when you’re still with your first. Well, unless your first wife has 10 other husbands… Bad math there, Des. This is so annoying.  They act like this isn’t a game show. Like this isn’t all manufactured BS with worse odds for a happy ending than of Lindsay Lohan getting a real acting job. Des says he was manipulative.  And there it is.  He says what we’ve all been thinking… Well, I’ve been typing…  It’s a game show and she’s dating 25 guys. I don’t know what’s going on with her tonight, but she is SUPER proud of herself. Holy fame aneurysm, Des.  LOL… Love that Juan Pablo dismisses her for not being able to say his name correctly.  He thinks he should have gotten a one-on-one date.  She says that she chose her dates accordingly and still thinks he’s muy caliente.  Wait, did she just tell Zak that she sent him home because he smiles too much? Yep, pretty much. Seems his happy demeanor meant he might not be able to handle serious moments in their lives.  You’re an ass, Des.  But he wrote a song for her.  Wanna hear it?  Hear it go.  Yeah, any man that can write and sing like that is dead sexy.  I’m cool with Zak as the next Bachelor.

Melissa:  So let me ask this friends… What really is the point of this part of the show?  I mean she’s not really calling anyone out, not even Ben.  I would much rather there be a table topped with various items for her to toss at their heads when she doesn’t care for what they have to say.  You know, like books, vases, wine glasses, bricks, Chinese throwing stars, you know, just the things you would normally have lying on your coffee table.

Really, a song Zak?  Oh he’s totally the next Bachelor.  They’re giving him soft lighting and everything.  Man she must feel like a bag of assholes right now.

Random Loose Ends and Bloopers

Rachel:  Bloopers time.  Wait, why are we not talking to Bryden about leaving? And looking a helluva lot like Des’s brother?

Let’s note please that they didn’t ask her if she’s in love like all the other ladies and gents before her.  You know this is the moment when Chris asks her if she’s happy and in love and she gushes about her being with the man of her dreams. And don’t we usually only have two people left standing?  But not tonight.  Nary a mention of love and happy endings.  Means some shit went down.  Means we might actually have the most dramatic final rose ceremony ever.  Muhahahaha!

Melissa:  Bloopers… FINALLY!!  Oh, that was it?  I forgot to laugh.

So let me get this straight… such a shocking ending we have to spend 4 hours tortured by it?  HA, the stunned faces of the audience.  Oh no, what could happen to cause all the tears?  I don’t know, stubbing ones’s toe (don’t lie, you all know you cry like a baby when you hit your pinkie toe just right)? I got smacked in the forehead with a wiffle ball this weekend and there were tears. And let’s not forget finding an awesome pair of shoes and they don’t have them in your size…. tears.  I’m just saying, there’s a lot to cry about so who knows what caused that drama.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  I hate that I’m intrigued by the previews for the next two episodes.  Hate it.  I know they’re leading me on and I’m going to end up being disappointed, which will lead to drinking and chocolate.  Granted, pretty much everything leads to drinking and chocolate.

Melissa:  Man, maybe it’s all the sangria but really that was some lame-tame business happening tonight (yawn) – well, with the exception of seeing Juan Pablo again.

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