One Sentence Summary: Gretchen’s friendships continue to crumble, but at least she has the music.
Rachel: I guess Canada isn’t my kind of country, since I couldn’t manage to focus long enough to watch the entire episode last week. I know there was a lot of screaming from Vicki and that just is too painful to endure. I know Gretchen & Tamra faced the great “Malibu Country” lie and patched up their friendship… for the moment. I don’t know a single other thing that happened though. And for that I’m sorry. Ish. The good news is that I have a feeling that I still might be able to follow the very complex plot twists and turns tonight. I’m smart that way. I’m hoping we’re done with Lauri now. Can we be? Her return has been nothing less than irritating and shit-stirring. We have enough of that without her help. So please go home to George and worry about your own four walls… or 40 in her case. Now if only we could send Brooks away as well… permanently.
Rachel: Gretchen returns home from Canada and calls Slade to fill him in on all the drama… including Tamra turning into her old mean self. Slade knew it was only a matter of time. Always the sunshine in everyone’s life, Slade. And then there’s Heather who sent her a condescending text about the show and her role on the show. While it pains me to ever defend Gretchen, I have to say Heather is being a crazy bitch about this role. We know you’re the actress and you got “the” role. Can you shut-up about it now? Seriously, what’s with making it a federal case? No one is arguing about it and really no one cares. Slade says she just can’t trust these women. Thanks for the news flash. Look, someone always has to be in the line of fire, and right now it’s Gretchen…. again. Sorry, these are the rules of engagement with this crew. So, put on your bulletproof vest and get ready to take on some heat.
Welcome To A Bigger Home
Speaking of the drama queen, Terry has brought Heather to see a piece of property that he’s thinking of buying so they can build a new house. Oh sorry, he actually bought the land because they got an offer from someone to buy their home for $16.45MM. Sweet Mary! Seriously, the next time this bitch complains about anything, I’m gonna fly to the OC and slap her myself. And I have to laugh that their current home isn’t big enough for them. Come on. But Terry wants this to happen so he can work less and be with the family more. Well, that I can’t argue with. What say the queen? She wants him to promise he’ll cut back and be home more. He promises so the deal is on.
Set The Date!
Tamra & Eddie head out for a romantic dinner. He is happy and has that fire again knowing that the gym will be open in 2 weeks. So, maybe that fire will spread to wedding planning… She wants to know. But it’s the last thing on his mind. A wedding won’t pay his bills, so she needs to stop asking because he doesn’t need the pressure. Yeah, I’d have left the table after that comment. Why’d ya ask her then? She says that she needs him to set a date and wants to know if he really wants to get married. He does. Getting married isn’t the issue. She should just hire a planner and take care of making sure it happens. She also needs to make it special and he better not wait 3 months and there still be no planner. Anyone else want to smack the smug off of his face? What a dick. But they settle on the end of June. Finally, a date. This makes her the happiest woman ever. That conversation made you happy? Girl, we need to talk.
Side bar: I can’t hear someone asking for a wedding date to be set without thinking about Charlotte and Harry from Sex And The City. Set the date! Just me?
Same Argument, Different Day
Briana brings Troy to see grandma Vicki, who has swollen eyes from an allergic reaction to eyelashes… again. Um, maybe stop wearing the eyelashes. Just a thought. She’s on her way to Napa to taste her first batch of Vicki’s Vodka. Also going to Napa… Brooks. Seems there would be no Vicki’s Vodka without him. This upsets Briana who thinks this is just proof that Brooks is making money off of Vicki’s name. For the love of meats and cheeses, Briana, enough. Get over it already. Vicki also doesn’t want to hear it, so let’s switch the subject to how shitty a person Lauri is. Briana says that, at the end of the day, it’s all good because Vicki has her & Troy. Uh no, Vicki wants a man.
Gretchen & Alexis meet for lunch to chat about the state of their friendship. Alexis acknowledges that this is a hard time for Gretchen because of Grayson (Slade’s son) so she appreciates her coming today. Um, excuse me? Oh right, it’s a hard time for Gretchen because it’s infringing on her wanting to have a baby. Got it. Continue. Alexis did pray for him, but didn’t reach out because she felt rejected by Gretchen. It’s been really hard on her because she felt alone last year and thought Gretchen was especially mean. Gretchen can’t understand how this is supposed to make her want to be friends because she’s making it all about her. Um, she’s telling you she was hurt. Gretchen says that Alexis questioning her motives is what put the rift between them. Costa Rica was not how Alexis sees it. She really did have her back and felt hurt as well. But she doesn’t want to fight with Alexis anymore, but there’s so much hurt that she doesn’t know how to fix it. It’s just too much water under the bridge, but they won’t hate each other. I’m thinking Gretchen might regret playing it this way.
Doug & Lydia are hosting a “Life Group” which is NOT a bible group. It’s just people coming together to go through life…. with the bible. Oh people, please stop with the Xanadu headbands! It’s not a good look! The group discusses a time when they were doing something in their life they knew they were meant to do. Lydia is feeling like a bit of an underachiever in the group, but the Lord has a plan for everyone… and hers is spreading light through her quirky personality. Her purpose is being her. Oh and helping the other women get along. Insert self-righteous eye roll.
Vicki and Brooks head up to Napa with a few colleagues and argue about their relationship status is in front of them. So, we’re off to a very professional start. They arrive at the distillery to try the vodka – orange and bacon flavored – which I’m sure everyone is dying for after that ride. Vicki loves the orange. A little too much. She also loves the bacon flavored vodka with Bloody Mary mix. And apparently she loves her eyelashes enough to keep wearing them even though she looks like she got punched in the face. They need a name for the bacon Bloody Mary. They think Bloody Piggy is a great call and a finger in Slade’s general direction. Call her Miss Piggy and she’ll find a way to make money off of it. That kinda makes me giggle.
Alexis heads off to LA for a meeting about an acting gig for her. Seems her marriage is now in a “flow” movement which allows her to pursue acting. So, Jim is allowing you to leave the house? Here is an exact quote on the state of Alexis’s marriage: “The I for he & I is so much more: one.” If you can translate that, you get a prize.
She arrives at her meeting armed with her acting class experience and the knowledge that neither Gretchen nor Heather has been called about the part. She meets with her manager Rebecca and the producer Jeff Margolis. The show they’re producing is about the FBI and her character would be a child psychologist. And they felt she’d be perfect for this why? She reads, and draws, for the part. Somehow it didn’t occur to her that she might not need to draw an entire picture to get the point across. Jeff thinks it was really good. M’kay. He’ll keep an open mind about her and call her when that right thing comes up because he sees a great future for them. Holy non-committal doublespeak, producer man.
Oh boy, Gretchen is in a recording studio. Remember the Pussycat Dolls debacle? Wasn’t that enough torture for us? Seems that Gretchen has decided to propose to Slade, via song. This apparently is a symbol of woman empowerment. If you say so. She’s working with songwriters that are trying to make the song… um… less cheesy. She gets in the studio and… well… yikes. Well, at least the world has Autotune.
Cut Bait And Run
Vicki and Brooks head to dinner in Napa to celebrate the new vodka line. She is thankful for his help and he is babbling some more cliches. Something about the weakest link in a chain. Dude, stop already. After ordering, Vicki tells him she heard from Lauri about him dating someone else. He denies that it’s true. He’s not dating anyone… steady. There’s no kissing, no money, no nothing. He’s just a big tipper. Um, what? So, Lauri’s lying and Vicki is more than happy to believe that. And with that news, Vicki invites Brooks to her home when Briana is staying in 29 Palms with Ryan. This isn’t a great offer for Brooks. He’s not really interested in dating someone whose grown daughter is putting parameters on when he can see them. He’s not confused about the situation. He’s just not interested in waiting for her to figure it out. Bottom line, they’re still dating, but they’re not exclusive. They have fun together. They’ll make a lot of money together. But there are hurdles. So, that’s his offer. He’ll date her and make money off of her but only if he can also see other women like 20-year-old porn stars. Hmm… Vicki says it’s a deal. Woman. No. Please invest in some self-esteem.
Rachel: I’m going to need a lot of liquor to get through Gretchen’s proposal to Slade next week. Liquor and an airplane sickness bag. I’m too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom.