One Sentence Summary: Canada gets an unwelcome dose of Orange County.
Rachel: Well, it looks like tonight is the night that Vicki finds out why Lauri is back this season; to expose her dirtiest secrets to the world (aka – the Bravo TV viewing audience) in some petty revenge plot over Vicki gossiping about her family. Seems a bit like overkill, but we are watching the Housewives. Nothing they do is on par with the situation. The unfortunate part of this whole confrontation is that the viewing audience will now have to endure another one of Vicki’s screeching rants where she just goes Defcon 5 on the volume charts. I don’t know about you, but I think this might be a “drink straight from the bottle” kind of night. Seriously, the only person going to enjoy this, outside of Lauri, is Gretchen. That is, of course, if she’s even invited.
Rachel: We start with Lydia getting her make-up done. OK, I might actually sign up for being a Housewife if someone is going to do my hair and make-up every day, just as long as it’s not Gretchen’s girl. There are few things I hate doing more than blowing dry my hair. For real. Hate it.
Anyway, Lydia tells her make-up artist that she is taking the girls to Canada, where she is from originally. See, Americans don’t know anything besides America, so she’s going to show these women a new country located directly north of these here United States. Excuse me? Let’s for a moment pretend that by “Americans”, you mean the women on this show, and then let’s discuss that you were just in Mexico with them 3 weeks ago. You know, that other country located directly south of here? Yeah, we all know about Canada. It’s where we threaten to go when our candidate loses an election.
Alexis stops by with a gift (aka weapon) for Lydia to take with her to Canada. It’s a Swarovksi Bible. It will protect her from drama. Yeah, I have a feeling even Jesus can’t protect you from drama on this one.
Shh, Baby, Don’t Talk
Heather & Tamra meet up for some shopping for Whistler. Tamra isn’t thrilled to be hanging out in the cold. Me either, sister. I don’t understand why people choose to spend vacation time shivering their asses off. But hey, different strokes… Heather won’t be staying long since she has to come back to tape her new show, but she wants to support Lydia.
Talk turns to Lauri attending and Tamra’s concern about what might happen with Vicki. Gretchen apparently has been telling everyone about the alleged threesome. Tamra wants to give Vicki a heads-up, but doesn’t want to betray Gretchen’s confidence. Stay out of it. It’s going to go down either way, so best you stay out of it. You know, now that you’re everyone’s BFF.
Time For Me To Fly
Seriously, do we have to watch everyone pack for every trip? I know you think we’re all dying to check out all their wardrobes , but we are not. At least, we aren’t anymore. We get it. 12 bathing suits for 3 days, 20 pairs of shoes for a week and a separate carry-0n for their make-up.
So let’s skip to the requisite showing up at the airpot shot… Alexis and her 17 pieces of luggage show up first. Seriously, how long are they going to be gone? And while I appreciate Heather’s attempt to be a joiner, you’re traveling all that way to be in Whistler for 6 hours? That’s nonsense.
The girls arrive and head to Whistler in a chartered van with champagne. OK, now I know why Heather came. Champers. She tells the girls she’s not staying long because she’s working on Malibu Country. Gretchen is confused by this and asks a bunch of questions, which is an obvious stunt to discuss that she was also offered a part. Since Heather isn’t biting, Tamra says that Gretchen got a call too. Heather explains to Gretchen that her part went away. Gretchen says no, she turned it down to be with Tamra. Not to miss a chance to one-up someone, Alexis chimes in that she was also offered a part. Also a different part according to Heather. How many parts are there? Fun 6 hours for ya, Heather, eh? But at the end of the day, who cares?
The Calm Before The Storm
The girls check into the Four Seasons and Lydia’s uncle shows up… I’m sorry. That’s your uncle? I was expecting someone that looked like Grizzly Adams, not this guy. Um, hello. Nice to meet ya, Uncle Greg.
The girls gather in Lydia’s room for some hot toddies and snacks. Tamra is trying to keep herself from telling Vicki about Lauri’s gossiping. She says she’d want to know if someone was spreading rumors about her. Yeah, but it’s Vicki and it’s going to get loud. We don’t like loud. So, keep your lips on your drink and let it go. Sweet Uncle Greg doesn’t need his eardrums broken.
Gretchen asks Uncle Greg if he knows a lot about Canada. No, she means Whistler. Well, she means Whistler, Canada. Shhh, honey, don’t hurt yourself trying to think. Just sit there and look… like you look. The girls laugh at her. I mean if this crew is laughing at your stupidity, you’re in trouble. Next the girls try and hook up Vicki with Uncle Greg… I have a feeling Uncle Greg doesn’t need any help meeting women. And I’m fairly sure that Vicki isn’t exactly his, um, type anyway. Heather & Uncle Greg leave – not together – and Alexis makes sure to remind us that she got grief in Costa Rica for leaving early but Heather isn’t getting grief here. OK, Alexis, third mention of the Costa Rica trip tonight. It’s really time to let it go. There’s beating a dead horse and then there’s this.
Terror On The Slopes
Daylight shines down on Whistler and the women are ready for some skiing. Wait, did Alexis just tell us that concierge is pronounced with a silent g? Uh no, even the French pronounce the g, you total moron. And Fox hired her to be on the news. Yep, about right.
The girls are all geared up and ready to ski. Well, Tamra’s not so thrilled about skiing seeing as how she hasn’t done it in 10 years. She expects to spend most of the day “tits to the ground”, which might be my new favorite phrase. Ha!
As they take the lift up the mountain, Gretchen tells Lauri that she may have told a few people about the Vicki threesome. Alexis almost pukes at the word threesome and is wishing she brought her blinged-out bible with her right about now. Lauri tells Gretchen that she never said it was a threesome. She said she saw Vicki in bed with a man and a woman but they may have just been snuggling. Now, normally, I’d laugh out loud at that, but it is Vicki so they may have actually just been snuggling. Granted, Lauri didn’t say it to Gretchen so she would that that. Lauri feels dumb for not remembering that she can’t share secrets with these women. Yeah, you probably shouldn’t be sharing secrets in the first place, seeing as how they’re secrets. But she will address Vicki about the things that need to be addressed. She has no problem with that. Well, except that you’ve had about 100 opportunities and have not done so. And now it’s about to blow up in your face. And my face, and I’m not too thrilled about that.
Lydia goes off to snowboard since no one skis anymore. Wow, this girl is full of information tonight. Just think, 35 minutes ago I didn’t know that Americans only know about America and that skiing is totally obsolete. I feel 1000x’s smarter now.
The Hypocritical And The Righteous
Most of the women have had enough of the snow, especially Vicki and Tamra. As they de-ski (new word), Tamra confesses that something has been weighing heavy on her now that they’re friends again. Oh boy… Tamra tells her what Lauri said about her. Well, what Gretchen said Lauri said and Vicki is surprisingly calm. She’s pissed, but calm. But we know that’s temporary. Needless to say, Vicki is ready to go there with Lauri and defend herself.
Gretchen shows up and Vicki immediately asks her about what was said. Gretchen tells her that Lauri called her a hypocrite and spilled some not-so-nice secrets about her. Now, Gretchen is mad that Tamra is being two-faced. Vicki says the threesome is a lie. She did have infidelity issues on both sides with Donn and that’s why they’re divorced. Well, that’s refreshing. Actual truth. Of course, now Gretchen & Vicki are going at each other. I find it completely baffling that these women so readily hurl accusations about bad behavior that they continue to display themselves. I mean are we really fighting about Gretchen’s ex Jeff again? This is so stupid.
Lauri shows up and Vicki says her gossiping to Gretchen is not cool. No, it’s not. Lauri says she never said there was sex, just three people in the same bed. Again, yeah, this is true, but the implication was there and you know it. If they were all just watching a movie, it wouldn’t be worth repeating. And there it goes, Lauri drops all her bombs about Vicki cheating. Vicki again cops to being unfaithful, but isn’t the point here that it’s not for Lauri to be spreading around? Which, of course, leads the bigger conversation of all of them staying out of the others business in general… It ends with Vicki telling Lauri she’s not welcome and Lauri calling Vicki a mean girl. And me with a bottle of wine in my mouth.
Vicki skis off and Lauri turns to Gretchen to tell her again that she never said she was having sex in the threesome. Gretchen tells her that it was implied and she knows it was implied. And through all of this, somehow Lauri feels betrayed. Meanwhile, Gretchen tries to defend herself by saying Tamra & Vicki talked shit about her when they didn’t have all the facts. That was uncool. Thankfully, Lydia is there to point out that that is exactly what she just did to Vicki. Hee hee… Gotta love when logic shuts down an argument.
Lord, Vicki is still screaming and my DVR just cut off the show. Awesome. Well, that’s what I get for watching the Bachelorette live. I assume there was more screaming by Vicki and justifying by Gretchen and we’ll enjoy the rest of the Whistler trip next week.
Rachel: I would love to sit down with these women and have a discussion about the definition of hypocrisy and what it means to them. Would be enlightening… and by enlightening, I mean terribly painful.