One Sentence Summary: The boys up their antes to ensure a hometown visit.
Rachel: Well, I’m at it alone again. Seems Melissa’s day job is turning her into an international woman. This week she’s in Belgium eating waffles and french fries and drinking beer. OK, I’m sure she’s working hard, but I like to imagine her face down in a plate full of whipped cream and waffles. As for me, I’m planning on being face down in a bottle of Pezzi King Zinfandel tonight. It’s so so good. I don’t even need the excuse of Bachelorette torture to open this bottle, but it helps. I’ll have a review in Featured Wines, which is making it’s comeback this week. OK, enough of the sales pitch, let’s go to Portugal for some more international love. Boy, I hope this is the week Michael goes home.
Rachel: Des heads off to Madeira, which I imagine will be labeled the Most Romantic Island in Bachelorette history. Why are they all sitting on the front of the boat? This is an accident waiting to happen… I hope. But everyone is more focused on the fact that next week is hometown visits than the fact that they’re in a stunningly beautiful place. There are three one-on-one dates and a two-on-one date (sans the Thunderdome aspect) this week. No roses on the one-on-ones and no one going home until the rose ceremony… maybe. Isn’t Drew bailing soon? Tonight?
The dudes head into their hotel suite as Des goes to get some advice from some of the girlfriends from last season. Yep, Catherine, Jackie and Lesely have been flown out to Madeira Island to give Des some pointers on love. I love that a bunch of women that competed for the same guy’s affections are now hanging poolside together.
We catch up with Catherine and her relationship with Sean. Thumbs up. Lesley is apparently not interested in Sean’s happy life, so she asks Des about the guys. Des says that Chris is supportive without having to say anything. I have no idea what that means. Brooks is positive and fun, but she questions if he’s ready. Michael is genuine. Zak is adventurous and reflective. Drew is the sweetest person ever, but she needs to find the spice.
The boys come out for a swim and the girls have a bird’s-eye view. They also have binoculars to help with their not-to-subtle spying. Not even trying to pretend they aren’t pieces of meat anymore, are you producers? The girls all like Drew and are pretty ready to step in if Des should step out, especially after she tells them he’s the best kisser. Oh snap, Brooks just got demoted. Wasn’t he in the lead just a few weeks ago? Then again, that kiss up against the wall in Barcelona is pretty damn hard to beat. Conversation turns to which guy is the best lover, and if I’m reading the censored parts correctly, which one has the biggest package. Oh yeah, the drinks are flowing now. Des thinks Chris might be the winner there. Really? That wouldn’t have been my guess. She also thinks they’ll all be great lovers. Bring on the Fantasy Suite!
Hop, Skip & A Jump To Love
Brooks gets the first date card. He and Des take a little road trip around the island. He’s in a more pensive state with Des because of her other relationships. So this date is all about them figuring out where they stand with each other and if they’re ready for her to meet his parents.
They drive to the top of the hills and holy crap that’s beautiful! Does this place really exist? Again, Cougar Bachelorette. Let’s hook this Winey Bitch up! They drive further up the hills and discuss how to talk about their feelings for each other with his family. They decide they need more adjectives for the stages in between like and love. But these words have to be only known to them. Really?
They reach the top of the hills and are literally above the clouds. Amazing. Brooks is in this space between like and love so he’s in the clouds trying to figure out how he feels. And so begin the cloud metaphors. Drink up, kiddies. You’ll need it. He notices that things are easy with them. It’s natural with them. And it’s working. She can see Brooks as her husband. Lots more cloud metaphors. And now they’re having a breakthrough (the clouds) in their relationship. I can say though that it’s a pretty spectacular place to get your smooches on. I disagree with the Cloud 9 cheer, however.
Des is definitely falling in love with Brooks and hopes he feels the same. Brooks says his family is super important to him so he’s cautious about potentially introducing Des. When he broke up with his ex, it was hard on the whole family. They’re very close and it’s a very big deal to him. She wants to make sure he’s comfortable with her meeting the family. And we’re back to the adjectives for love. She says the adjectives for the phases between like and love are: stepping, skipping, running and the finish line, which is love. She’s about to run and he’s jogging. Jesus H Christ, can they please just have a conversation about whatever they’re actually talking about? Enough skipping over to meet the family and breaking through Cloud 9 in a brisk jog. Thankfully, they’re interrupted by fireworks which Brooks says are awesome… 15 times.
Message In A Bottle
Des & Chris start their date by taking a boat out on the water to a deserted island. The left-behind guys holler at them from the balcony and get pissy when Chris holds her hand. Such girly men this season. Seriously, go throw a football around or something. Drink some beer. Grab your junk. I don’t know, but please stop lurking around behind Des and her dates.
As Chris & Des head out for their day, Chris pulls the old “Let me get some sunscreen on your back” move. Shmoove. They both agree that they have a strong physical attraction and he can feel the emotion in the kisses. Is that what they’re calling it these days?
On the island, Des tells Chris that she is very independent. She’s always relied on herself, but now she’s looking to share her life with someone. He thinks this is a beautiful moment and should be commemorated. They’re going to write a poem together and put it in a bottle that they’ll throw into the Atlantic. It will be a lasting memento of love for whomever finds it. Or one more unnecessary piece of trash in the ocean. Cynic, party of 1! Personally, I’d like to shove that bottle up their poetry. Enough already. But she loves it because he’s so creative. I’m going to laugh when that bottle crashes on a rock.
Chris is ready to be the first guy to drop an L-bomb since Brandon got sent home. So, as they sit down to dinner, he starts to sweat bullets. She makes a toast to what a supportive and charming man he is. Talk turns to family. She wants a family with 3 kids… but she’s not putting a number on it. He thinks his family would like her and that is important to him. Wow, he’s nervous. He’s seriously one deep breath away from throwing up on himself. But he steels his nerves enough to read another effing poem. This one ends with an I love you. She’s “blown through the roof”. Not sure what that is, but mama needs more wine after all this poetry. They like kissing each other. But she likes kissing everyone.
And In Last Place…
Michael gets the next one-on-one date which leaves Zak and Drew for the two-on-one. Man, I hope this is Michael’s last week. He would have to bring something super special on this date for him to not be dancing on my very last nerve. I’m thinking that’s not going to happen. Des thinks that Michael would make a loyal, trustworthy husband. Get a dog if you want loyal and trustworthy.
He’s super excited to have a whole day with her. But what will you talk about if you have no one to rat out? As they sightsee, he tells her that he feels like he’s seen signs along the way that have told him that he’s supposed be there. It’s been a long time since he’s had these feelings for someone. He’s just happy to be here. She likes that. Snooze.
They’re going to take toboggans down a steep hill. That actually looks fun. But her body language with Michael couldn’t be less romantic. She actually has her hands tucked between her legs, while has his hand on her thigh. Not a good sign. Oh Lord, now we have “love being a wild ride” metaphors. Ack.
At dinner, he says their date was so fun and exceeded his expectations. Normally this expression of joy would earn the guy a kiss. Michael gets an “aw” and a cheers. So going home tonight. He says his mom would love her. She raised him along with his nana and pop and means the world to him. He doesn’t talk to his dad after he didn’t contribute to paying for his diabetes. I really have to wonder about men that don’t feel the need to contribute to their kids’ well-being. There’s a special place in hell for them. Michael says he wants to be more than a prosecutor. He wants to be a great father and husband. His last girlfriend cheated on him and he found out on FB. Whoops. Wow, this dude is a bummer. Sad story after sad story. But it’s all led up to this and these feelings and blah blah blah blah… Lord, shut him up.
They hit the streets and roll up onto a street performer. I could have skipped hearing that. Sorry, I can’t get down with that singing. They stand and watch arm-in-arm and finally there’s kissing. I still think he’s going home.
Zak and Drew get a date card about making Des’s heart race. So, they try and figure out what that means. Uh, that you’re racing. Not exactly the Rubik’s Cube of love riddles there, guys. And off they go to the racetrack with to watch Des cruise the track. I have to admit, knowing that Drew is leaving is making me not that interested in the date. The guys race and Zak laps the shit out of Drew. Not even a contest. Drew is less concerned with winning because today is the day he tells Des he loves her. But wait, I thought he’s leaving??? Oh I’m so confused. Damn you, previews!
Since Zak won the race, he gets to “go first”. So that mean Drew will be tasting Zak in a few minutes. What? Am I wrong? Zak tells her that this has been the best time of his life. He wants to recap everything that’s happened thus far, so he made her a memory sketch book. She brings out the happy in him. He’s feeling a crazy intensity of love and he wants to tell her that, but instead he sings “Insanely happy man!” Ha ha… I actually really like this guy. However, I’m thinking that he might have wanted to let the L-bomb go being that Brooks is jogging toward love, Chris is rhyming his way to love and Drew is about to lay some love on her too. Play the game, Zak. Play the game. It’s hometown dates. This is no time to play it safe!
Next up, it’s Drew’s turn to take it to the next level so he can get a hometown date. He knows his family will fall in love with her. He doesn’t let everyone in, but he wants her to meet his sister. She is severely handicapped, but she will be thrilled to meet her. I kinda love that he looks like he’s 4-years-old when he talks about his feelings. And there it is. He’s in love with her.
Zak feels like he didn’t need to say love today. Again, I’m thinking that was a bad call seeing as how Drew just got the rose. Awkward moment for Zak. And now he gets to cheers to it. Viva group love!
Rachel: Des sits with Chris before the rose ceremony and talks about her feelings for all the guys. She is trying to keep each relationship separate in her mind, but it’s a burden because someone is getting their heart broken. Drew is the best looking guy she’s ever met, but he’s also so sincere and kind. Totally husband material. She is so full on in love with Brooks and I don’t get it. She tells Chris about the running, skipping and the finish line. She’s at the finish line with Brooks. There’s the concern that Brooks hasn’t said he loves her. This scares her. The whole conversation with Chris is pretty much how she’s in love with Brooks. Chris wonders if this means the game is over. She says definitely not, but I don’t think any one of us out here was convinced by that. Man, I missed the memo on Brooks. But that’s why every pot has a lid. She does say that she can picture a life with Chris and she is falling in love with him. So, there’s still potential there. No mention of Zak or Michael. Hmmm….
Time for the roses:
Has a rose: Drew
Gets a rose: Brooks, Chris, Zak
Des walks Michael out and tells him he is special. I’ll say. They are just not in the same place as she is with the other guys. He was ready to make her happy the rest of her life and thought they had a special date. He’s heartbroken, but still thinks the world of her. She puts him squarely in the friend zone. Somewhere Ben is cheering. Oh the humiliation of being sent home grows when they let him call his mommy to say he got dumped…. again. Here we go again, says mom. Oh no, this is so embarrassing for him.
Rachel: I don’t think I’m alone in saying that I’m not sad to see Michael go. Was about time. I’m just sad, because I think Zak is next on the list to get axed. I’m predicting we have a Chris v Brooks finale with Brooks taking home the crown… which will nest nicely on his head. Granted, this is if these guys make it past psycho brother. I know I wouldn’t want to inherit that.