Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 5: Everything is Coming Up Rosie

One Sentence Summary:  A  phone pays the ultimate price for all the fighting in the Giudice / Gorga clan.

Melissa’s Thoughts: 

While showing off his matching skull cap / jacket combo du jour Joey wonders why he's had such a headache all day, could be that rubber band around his head.  Maybe it was to remind him to take an aspirin for his headache?

While showing off his matching skull cap / jacket combo du jour Joey wonders why he’s had such a headache all day.  Could it be that rubber band around his head? Maybe it was to remind him to take an aspirin for his headache.

Hey there friends, anyone else wondering what the fall out is going to be from the Giudice / Gorga gym brawl?  Let me wager a guess… Teresa is going to tell Juicy who will point the blame at Joey, and Joey will tell Melissa who will blame Teresa.  I know, it’s like I’m psychic.  Let’s see if I made the right call or both parties met in the parking lot to hug it out (sha right!!).  This is Jersey, no one gets off that easily, especially not after tossing a drink – well, water at least.

Declarations Made

Melissa still needs to work on her book – or maybe get started.  Meanwhile arriving home from the gym, Joey sounds like he has Tourettes “your wife”, “bitch”, “your wife”, “bitch” until he throws open the car door to storm into the house to find his woman.  He retells the tale of his confrontation with Teresa as Antonia sneaks a listen at the door – I don’t blame you chicka, this is some good dish.  Melissa fesses up that she did tweet and allude to Teresa having to rent her Channel bag to give her a taste of her own medicine (so she claims).  Joe decides he needs to educate his woman on her wrong doing.  Oh tread carefully here Joey, I sort of like you right now, don’t make me go back to my old ways.  Melissa thinks it’s a big mind F from Teresa but Joey, he’s smarter than that (well…).  He doesn’t want Melissa to talk shit about his sister, so I guess he has spoken.

Soccer Mom

The Giudices are off to soccer practice but Milania would rather just play on her own.  So I guess Teresa couldn’t have this conversation in the car with Joe – in front of the kids I would want to think, but really it’s more like the cameras weren’t there.  It’s important to share your family drama with the cameras right?  Juicy tells Teresa her brother has a Napoleon thing (he should know) and she she thinks he means bipolar – oh I can’t make this stuff up!!  So Juicy needs to explain Napoleon to her.  Of course we can’t have a moment without Juicy being Juicy so he mumbles to her that Melissa straps one on and sticks it in Joey’s ass.  Yeah random soccer mom, you just heard that.  Nope, you weren’t imagining it – classy right?  Teresa pretends to be offended for a hot minute until she laughs… Oh that Juicy, what a character!!  While trying to show off her soccer skills Teresa hauls off and kicks the ball right at her offspring taking her ass down – yep, laugh that one off too.

Girl Time

At benefit (love their products!) the ladies (Jac, Caroline and Kathy) marvel at how cute the store is while sipping bubbly and talk about the services they are thinking of having done.  Rosie makes an entrance and thinks her eyebrows are fine while watching Jac get hers threaded.  I’m with you Rosie… looks too painful to me.  Meanwhile Caroline excuses herself for a call from Teresa.  Hmmm, what do you think this is about friends?  Yes, she saw Joey at the gym and he was very aggressive.  She thought Caroline said he wanted to make up, this doesn’t make sense to her – she even tried feeling his abs and it didn’t work.  She feels helpless and wants to make up with him.  She thinks they should try holistic healing this time around, you know, because the therapist sided with Joey and she can’t have that.  Caroline said she thinks she’s going to stay out of it until they are willing to try.

Going back to the ladies Caroline tells them she received a call from Teresa… and there goes Jac’s happy moment.  The ladies really don’t care, but have to listen for the camera.  Rosie thinks the BS has to stop and she’s about to get herself involved because clearly Caroline hasn’t fixed anything.

Boxed In

Oh boy, Rich has a surprise for Kathy; he was talking to the packaging company for her shipping boxes.  Clearly he didn’t listen to what she actually wanted it to look like – blue with a ribbon like a present.  Since he didn’t listen she’s going to show him what she wanted, but too bad because he’s already paid for thousands of the plain, no frills white ones.  Make do honey, he doesn’t care what you think.  He’s not trying to hold her back, but doesn’t believe her box is better than the white one he has for her.  Really Rich?  I mean you might think that way, but I would much rather see the pretty box so I think I’m getting a nicer product than what looks like could be a box from Amazon.  Of course Rich knows what he’s doing because he married a housewife and not an entrepreneur.  Oh Rich, you’re an ass.  Stop a second and think about how you want to market a product… to WOMEN!!  We like pretty, we like bows, we like to feel special.  You my friend clearly don’t get women.  It’s all about branding and sterile white boxes aren’t high end branding.  Might work for the gas stations, but doesn’t make the ladies feel special.

Parental Controls

We’re at the Hoboken apartment and we learn it’s Caroline’s sanity – no dogs or random other relatives.  The boys want to mirror their parents but ladies today just don’t like not seeing their men.  Chris thinks the happy marriages he knows of (the two mind you) both the husbands work and they hardly ever see their wives.  Caroline reminds them it’s about quality time.  Chris also doesn’t want kids – especially not a girl because from 0-10 he has to keep it alive, but from 10-25 he has to make sure it’s not a whore.  Well, there’s some solid parental planning right there.

Rosie Takes Over

Joey goes formal with his coordinating camel colored skull cap / jacket look.

Joey goes for a more evening casual look with his camel colored skull cap / jacket look.

Rosie and Joey head to the bar for some quality time.  Of course they decide they should talk women and Rosie’s 6 year hiatus from sex.  Say what now??  I’m not even paying attention I’m so distracted by 6 years.  Rosie wants to take up where Caroline left off and fix things with Joey and Teresa.  Rosie thinks Joey needs to go in positive, but he’s done.  She wants to shut down his stubbornness and tried to convince him to give it one more shot.  So here’s a random question.  Does Joey have a skull cap for every jacked he owns?  So matchy-matchy when it comes to his upper body.  Sorry, back to the regularly scheduled snark.  Joey wants Teresa to admit to what she did wrong and apologize and Rosie convinces him to give it one last try and not bring up shit.


UGH, I know I’m a broken record about this but again props to Jacqueline and all her work with Nicholas.  It breaks my heart to see him get so frustrated because you know it’s all in there and he just can’t get it out.  I love her tenacity and perseverance.  That’s what parenting is about.  Chris comes home to find a weeping Jacqueline who is breaking down watching Nicholas struggling.  He reminds her to stay strong for him and she wants to give others hope but if becomes frustrating.  I love Chris being a voice of reason and assurance for her.  It is an uphill struggle.  Parenting in general is, and refreshingly these two don’t pretend it is sunshine and unicorns.

Manzo Drive

Oh look, it’s my dear Albert who can’t imagine how the kitchen is going to work for him.  He wants to be in Manhattan, but Hoboken is easier according to Caroline.

The boys stop in and visit Lauren at Cafface but she wants to refuse them any product suggestions until they start paying.  Talk turns to whether she will marry Vito, and she’s not ready, she wants her career and a life before settling down.  I year you sista, do your thing, but you can have both you know.

Caroline worries about the kids, Vito wants to get engaged but Lauren isn’t ready, Albie thinks he’s not going to find the right kind of girl who gets his work ethic, and Christopher just doesn’t want to raise a whore.  She doesn’t want the kids to miss out on things like Albert did.  Ss the alarm begins chirping from the cooking  Albert argues not to sell the house.

If You Can’t Take The Heat

Rich takes Kathy to her new cooking space for her business.  Aw, see Rich just when I can’t stand you, you have to go and be so awesomely supportive and rent a test kitchen for Kathy to work.  Kathy seems uncertain and it’s a big step and she isn’t pleased she wasn’t involved.  Um, I’m thinking this was a pretty grand gesture.  You were just complaining you wanted out of the house and the hubs found you a space to rent and not worry about the kitchen.  It’s not insulting, it’s a huge ass kitchen for you to work in.

Rosie Drinks

Teresa has a blog too?  So she writes a recipe blog to make sure people know she writes her own blog and cooks.  While showing us she really is the multi faceted woman she wants us to think she is Rosie calls to try to arrange their meeting.  Teresa tried to play the “I’m hurt” routine, but of course with family you always forgive.

Dime-ing out Dad

Melissa’s Mom, Aunt and sister stop by to bring pictures for the book.  Melissa is still torn not knowing if she should write about her father and needs their approval to write the whole story.  I think Mom is a little worried about how she’ll be portrayed in the book – what do you think?  Hell, I would be too, considering the lovely picture Melissa just painted how she wants to make everything perfect for her husband so he doesn’t go out like her mother wasn’t able to.  Yikes Melis.

Counting Opinions

Just when I started to like Rich a smidge he’s in his closet complaining about how messy things are now that Kathy has started her business and doesn’t care for the chip on her shoulder.  She wants to know what his problem is with her wanting a career.  Rich reminds her it’s tough to work with her too, and it’s taking HIS business talents to get her there and she needs to appreciate the little stuff going into her brand.  She wants her opinion to matter to Rich and clearly it isn’t.

Sit Down, Listen Up

It’s sit down time with Rosie and it seems so like being called to the carpet.  I mean really, this couldn’t happen at brunch?  I wonder if Rosie slipped a little roofie into that drink she fetched for Teresa.  After Teresa’s first sip Rosie is ready and wants to know why Teresa still has a problem with Kathy.  Teresa’s defense is the “coward” comment Kathy made at the reunion – which she apologized for.  Rosie doesn’t like the fact Teresa always is trying to blame Kathy for all the issues they are having – get used to it Rosie, that deflection of blame is Teresa’s thing.  Of course it isn’t any of Teresa’s doing and she was hurt but got over it, though it’s not that easy for Teresa’s father to get over which Rosie wants to know why he needs time.  Teresa not recognizing the panther ready to pounce tries to throw Kathy under the bus again and here we go… Rosie’s wild ride hang on.  I kinda can’t blame Rosie I mean let it go T, if you’re all into forgiveness you need to forget as well.  So Rosie starts screaming and banging the table and Teresa doesn’t understand why she has to bang the table.  Um, should she flip it instead Teresa?  Is that the proper Jersey approach?  Holy shit, I can’t believe this fight in a bar.  I would have loved to be there and witness that insanity.

Rosie wants to know why they can’t be a family and lift each other up… until the phone ends lifted up and into the drink.  Yah think it’s the scotch Rosie?  I mean, I loves me a drink like the next bitch, but you need to have your wits about you to deal with Teresa.  Rosie wants Joe and Teresa to get it out and be done with it.  Teresa shares her idea for the holistic get away weekend.  Hey, maybe it’s a whole family affair.  I’m going to go with a no… a HELLO NO on that suggestion – but no one will listen to me because that isn’t good TV.  Rosie suggests tossing the Lauritas and Manzos into the mix.  Sweet Mary this is gonna be ugly… U-G-L-Y… you ain’t got no alibi.  Rosie and Teresa hug it out and go their separate ways while Teresa is determined to get the retreat going.

Bottom Line:  

Oofah, that was a lot of high pitched yelling there, ruined the little happy buzz I had going on, but now I can’t wait for this “retreat”.  This is gonna get Jersey crazy.  Maybe we’ll even get a table flip!


4 responses to “Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 5: Everything is Coming Up Rosie

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