One Sentence Summary: Tonight there is way more whine than wine as the men push their next target out the door.
Rachel: So, now that Ben is gone, the boys turn their sights on James. Seriously, the producers need to let the guys watch ESPN or something while they’re sequestered in hotels around the world. Look, I know depriving them of any contact with the real world creates drama, but they are getting really whiny. Like painfully, annoyingly sorority sisters whiny. I am ready to find Michael and ball gag him. I realize that will do nothing to help me through the show seeing as how this isn’t exactly playing out on live, but it will make me feel better. Hey, how about giving them all a Kindle? I’m sure this will be the first book ever read by some of them judging by their interview forms on abc.com. But why not make this an educational experience for the guys? Just thinking… and I realize I’m the only one.
Melissa: Oh yeah, it’s the week to take James down, you know… because he’s not here for the right reasons. Drink, Bitches! Yeah, it’s gonna be a hell of a bumpy ride tonight. Better top yourselves off because I think there’s going to be a lot of raising of the glasses by the time we’re done with Des in Barcelona… Cheers!
Rachel: Oh Barcelona, how I love thee. Definitely one of the best cities on the planet. I’m just saying that if none of these men work out, Des could always snag herself a Spaniard. She might just want to do that anyway.
The guys stroll the city, while on another street, Des also strolls along letting us know her innermost thoughts, which are the same as they were last week… and last season… and the season before. Now that Michael has gotten rid of Ben, he’s out for James. This is his new mission. He’s going to lawyer him right out of Dodge. Can we lawyer him off the show please?
The guys stop at an outdoor cafe – with the most awkward tiny tables – to have a drink. Enter Chris Harrison to welcome them and tell them what’s in store this week: two one-on-one dates and a group date. How novel. His word of advice to the guys is to use their time wisely because there won’t be a cocktail party this week. Thank God, I’m so sick of the cocktail party. And with that, Drew gets the first date of the night. I wonder if he’s any less boring than Brad. Well, I guess he is going to out James so at least there’s that drama. Well played, producers.
Melissa: Again, loving the Des’s Deep Thoughts but come on, where is her sketch book? Please at least let her sit in a cafe and ponder yet another wedding dress. So do you think these guys really like hanging out together? I mean seriously, if I were competing against half a dozen ladies for some guy, I’m not going to be besties with any of them. I’d be the quiet one in the house sizing up all the competition. You know, the nice one making sure there were some HEAVY pours on group dates and cocktail nights. Let’s face it, drunk girls tip the odds in favor of the sober ladies who can form a sentence… Well, sometimes. OK I digress, Drew gets the 1st date and good for him, I still can’t keep them straight, but this is the dude who wants to out James not being there for the right reasons (DRINK), and that’s just a whole lotta entertainment for us at home – not to mention alcohol!
Rachel: Damn, kissing already? Des & Drew haven’t even wandered the city yet and he’s already making his move. Don’t you have to wait until after you eat some local grub, wander upon a random band and do something silly that fits with the local flavor of the city before the lip starts? I guess not. After they manage to pull their lips apart, they stop of for some tapas and family talk. Drew says his dad makes him the man he is today. Dad’s a recovering alcoholic who has used his sobriety to help others. The story brings Drew to tears because his dad’s life is his inspiration. Oh and if you’re not moved enough, Drew’s dad also has cancer. Because his father doesn’t want pity, not many people know he is sick. Except that now everyone knows. Thank you national television! Let’s kiss again. I gotta say that even if Des ends up empty-handed, she sure is using this time to get her self some hot over-the-sweater action. Can’t blame her.
What do you know, a street band! Who would have ever imagined they’d turn that corner? I really just want to mess up Drew’s hair so badly. It’s like a Ken doll’s head. Oh, they should let Brooks have at his hair. That would be awesome. Sorry… distracted…
Des and Drew head out for the requisite dinner. Just when I expect more blah conversation, Drew gets taken away by his emotions, grabs Des and takes her out on the street to make out with her. Like throw her up against the wall make out with her. Wow… that was… wow… I may need a moment here. Who knew he had that in him. Color me surprised.
Needless to say, after that hot ass make-out session, he gets the rose. Shit, I’m ready to give him the rose. But before the date comes to an end, Drew has something he has to say. DUDE, don’t do it! Don’t kill your moment! Too late. He fully rats James out. She really doesn’t care because she’s still reeling from the kiss. OK, she cares a little bit. She appreciates the info and will deal with James.
Melissa: Just me or the most awkward hug greeting? I thought he was going to chest bump her like they just scored a goal. I’m totally digging the scenery as they tour the town and I’m craving a hot chocolate. Do you think these historical places like the Return To Spain Fountain and the Love Locks in Paris cringe at the thought of The Bachelor(ette) coming to town and ruining their mystique?
Wait, this is the first time Drew has told the story about his dad’s recovery to anyone? Oh snap, now dad has Cancer?? Geez, Drew, you’re killing me here!
I want that dinner!! Well, you know I mean that location as no one ever eats on this damn show. Wait, they ran away so he could make out with her against a wall in an alley?! DAMN boy… You got game! You just shot yourself right up to aw suki suki now! Cheers to you my friend!
Here we go, let’s see how he handles the James delivery. Way to go Drew, that was some legit work. Now what would be genius of the level of Bachelor Pad Nick taking the prize is if Drew and Kasey were in on taking James down by making up the whole story. That would be some awesome douchebaggery!! Sadly, I don’t think they are that diabolical, but a girl can dream.
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Rachel: Back at the house, Drew tells Kasey & Michael that he told Des about James. Man, I keep wanting to call him Brian. They look like the same guy. Kasey and Michael are convinced this is the end of James. Can it please be the end of your bitchiness too?
But first, the Group Date card – Brooks, Kasey, Michael, James & Juan Pablo get the call. This means Zak gets the one-on-one which leaves Juan Pablo the odd man out. He is bummed because he left his daughter for this chance. I think there are a lot of women that are bummed right now… and would gladly fill in for Des.
The guys show up to meet Des and play some soccer. This is Juan Pablo’s date. Sweet Mary, he’s hot. They play around a bit on the field until Des announces it’s time for the real game. The guys will be playing against her and a professional women’s soccer team. The guys think the ladies are an easy mark. Ha. Don’t underestimate the chicas. The girls handily whoop the boys, which wasn’t that hard seeing as how James was in the goalie and could barely bother to try. Needless to say, this doesn’t go unnoticed by anyone.
Melissa: Seriously Michael, John McEnroe called and he wants his 70’s sports headband back. Sorry, I can’t stand when a perfectly good looking guy does something so completely foolish because someone jokingly told him he looked good.
OK, grown men skipping isn’t cool guys. Yeah, Juan Pablo is in his element but he needs to chill with the high-fives and maybe move into some full body hugs. I mean that’s what I’d be looking for. I can’t wait to watch these boys gets their asses handed to them after mocking the ladies like this – dumbasses. Yeah, that pretty much was awesome.
Rachel: Time for the group date cocktail party. Chris is up first and Des takes him to her room to hang out on her bed. Bold. Des feels like she can give him any activity and he’d be good at. It’s not lost on me that she’s saying that to him while lying on a bed. I’m sure it’s not lost on him either. Des wrote him a poem… Yeah, she should have left the poetry to him.
Back in the living room, James leaves and the guys, of course, start talking about him. Kasey and Michael plan their moves. Dude, Michael, enough drama. James returns and they confront him with what they heard. James looks like this is new information. BTW, this is happening while Brooks and Des talk about how they’re emotionally invested in each other. James denies that he said that. He says that the one-on-one somehow changed something and Michael didn’t have one so he doesn’t know. I don’t even understand that comment. James and Michael start screaming at each other while Chris keeps shushing them. James insists Mikey brought the whole thing up. The dudes really need to just let Des deal with it. Kasey says he heard what he heard. James says the cameras tell the truth, and there’s such a thing as guy talk. I hear that. I have to agree that this whole thing is silly. I’m not the hugest James fan but this is actually ridiculous. Are they not allowed to acknowledge that they’re playing a game for our viewing pleasure? Them finding love is secondary to us being entertained. That’s just a fact.
Kasey uses his time with Des to tell her about James. She already knows. So not sexy. You are already treading water, friend. Des returns to the group and says she is finally ready to talk to James. And because of all the drama there will be no rose tonight. Good girl.
Des confronts James with what she heard. She believes everything she was told, because Kasey and Drew are guys she fully trusts. Well, so there’s that. James says that Mikey brought up the girls. He & Mikey are two different people. He swears on his dad that he is telling the truth. Someone needs to check on his dad, stat. He owns saying that the worst thing that could happen is that he could be the next bachelor. He doesn’t understand why that’s a bad thing. He has feelings for her, period. He is sorry this is happening because now he feels excluded. It’s not why he’s here and if she thinks that, then he should go right now. She can’t gurantee he’ll stay but wants to know if he’ll be there for her if she keeps him. He swears again that he didn’t say anything bad. And now they’re both crying. Holy drama. I am really baffled by the guys this season. They are seriously obsessed with making a huge deal out of minor things. And Emily Maynard, would you please stop tweeting every week that he’s the same as Ryan from your season was? He is not and your 15 minutes are up. Des says that she needs a minute and steps away. She comes back and says she has to process this. She thinks they both should sleep on it. If he were the only guy she was dating, he might stand a chance. But seeing as how there are a half dozen other options, he’s not surviving the night.
Back in the hotel, the guys are discussing how Des is going to send James home. GOD, MICHAEL, STFU! He’s such a bitch. Seriously, such a little petty bitch. And in walks James. Muhahaha…
Melissa: OK, for real, if I was drinking more than peppermint tea I’d be on my ass drunk with all this “not the right reasons” talk tonight. UGH, what’s with all the poetry this season??
Here we go!! Why are the guys confronting James? Now he can rub his mental sticks together to spark a thought of how to defend himself when Des comes for him. DAMN, that’s a lot of F-bombs there James. I mean I get you feel attacked, but that’s some serious finger pointing and anger happening there.
Yeah Des, you let that shit hit the fan… You throw it right on down there! Maybe it’s this evening’s sobriety but her “I’m a bad ass” attitude tonight is wearing me thin. You’re the funny one my dear. You’re not the bad ass. I get you’re pissed, but come on, be a “nice girl” pissed. I like the touch with the tears James… Reel her right back in!
HA, I can’t wait to see the reactions of the guys when James walks back in. That is going to be some pause-worthy shit. How awesome would it be if he strolled in with a “I’m back bitches” sing-song.
Laughter Is The Best Medicine
Rachel: Zak’s turn to go on a date after the drama with James. Lucky guy. Des has to sketch first to relieve the stress. Good thing she has Zak today who is really funny. He’ll be a good time. Wait, why is James in Sitges if the rest of the guys are in Barcelona? No explanation? Well, alrighty then.
Anyway, it’s date time and Des & Zak hit up an art class. They get to sketch a Spanish man wearing way too many clothes. Zak’s is actually pretty good. They agree to draw each other next. His sketch is so bad that it actually just made me laugh out loud. Des and Zak get a kick out of it too. James who? Next up, a naked male model walks in. Zak’s expression when the guy drops the robe is amazing. He is a good sport and tries sketching, but ulitmately has a better idea. He leaves the room and comes back in a robe. Please don’t be naked. Be naked-ish. Oh good, he has on tightie-whities. Nicely played, friend. This dude makes me laugh and laughter is the best aphrodisiac.
Melissa: Here we go, finally some sketching!! Given all that happened last night, I think Zak is the right person to bring a little humor to her day. Oh, that portrait of Des is awesome! I would be cracking up too. Speaking of cracking up, that look on Zak’s face with the nekkid man is pretty hilarious. You know he wasn’t one of my favorites over the weeks, but he’s growing on me, and not like a fungus.
Rachel: Des & Zak meet for the second part of the date which is in a cave full of cava. Um, sign me up. She feels their friendship is turning into a relationship. He seems like a seriously solid dude. He wants to know what she needs to know about him. She asks, what makes Zak? Please stop asking that question. He says he wants a relationship like his parents. They have a great marriage. His mom is a bundle of joy. That’s so sweet. Turns out that they both have a passion for moving around. He looks for an independent person, which might be why he’s still single. There aren’t many women who are independent. Really? If you say so.
And finally some making out. She gives him the rose. He has a joy that means a lot to her. He says he’s definitely in love with his woman. It’s about love and marriage and at this point she means everything to him. OK, dude, reel it in. I’m liking your vibe, but you’re starting to sound like Brandon. But he’s earning back some points for the “hold it let me kiss you” move. How hot is it when a guy just can’t stop himself from kissing you? And more wall kissing. Damn, for the first time ever, I’m actually wishing I was the bachelorette.
Melissa: Um, there’s no way in hell you’d get me down in that “cellar”. Not without opening all of those bottles to get me drunk enough to climb down in a cave to hang out. I can’t even focus on their conversation because I’m too distracted trying to think of how they would get out of there if the roof started to collapse. Yes, it’s a bit dramatic, but let’s be honest here, I’m crazy… I have a whole drama club up in my head running scenes all day long. Des gets a wall make-out session with Zak too? I’m noticing a trend – pay attention boys.
To Rose Or Not To Rose
Rachel: At the hotel, James talks to Drew because he wants to understand his perspective. Drew thinks the conversation James had with Mikey was inappropriate. Drew’s focus is on Des, not what’s happening afterwards. James argues his point and says it’s not inappropriate. It’s reality. He’s getting rather heated again, which makes me think he might want to lay off the steroids for a couple days. But I will say it’s clear they have a difference of opinion over what constitutes “appropriate” which is why it’s not cool to rat dudes out just because you have a different POV.
It’s the next day and we have more of Michael harping on and on. Killing me. Now the guys get to sit around and awkwardly listen to Zak talk about his awesome date. Thankfully for James, Des shows up and rescues him from the room.
James & Des go outside to chat and James says he is feeling a lot better. He had three guys coming at him at the cocktail party and he was backed into a corner causing him to say some hurtful thing as he fought out of it. He’s sorry. He tells her again that it was just a conversation about different scenarios. He’s not here to fool her, he’s here to fall in love with her. More tears for Des. She is really confused because they had such a good date. She can even picture meeting his family. He’s proud of her for making hard decisions, which is a character he wants in the mother of his kids. Laying it on thick there, James. Ultimately, he thinks she should decide to keep him based on her feelings and not one conversation.
The guys are watching the scene from the balcony. They see Des & James arm in arm and are piiiiiissed. Sidebar: How are three guys standing on a balcony and not a strand of hair is moving on a one of them?
Des lets James stay… at least until the rose ceremony. He’s so sweet and she can’t let him go. She resents the guys for putting this on her. Yeah, I still think James isn’t long for this world.
Back upstairs, Chris wants to know what James & Des discussed. James tells them about their conversation. Chris loses his shit on him. Really, Chris? Why’d ya ask then? James sees reality for what it is, reality. And here we go again. Dude, please stop talking. These guys are on my last nerve. Seriously. I’m now Team Whoever Isn’t Screaming which would be Zak and Juan Pablo – which were my picks to begin with so it all works out.
Melissa: WOW, did you see that look on James’s face?! Wait a minute, he’s going to go back to normal if he’s not with Des? I don’t even understand that logic.
This is the gossipiest (yes, I had to create a new word for this craziness) group of men I’ve ever seen on a Bachelorette! Scratch that, in my whole life. Who will they turn on when James is gone? Whoever has the best coif? That seems a logical direction for this crew. May I take a beat here and just acknowledge the spin doctor work James is laying on here?
Did Michael just wink at Brooks? He did! What’s up with that? Um, Drew let’s discuss your last statement: “How is it not disrespectful to the person you’re dating that you’re thinking of other girls?”… wouldn’t that make Des disrespectful to all of you since she’s dating all of you and thinking about all of you? Not that I’m siding with James, but I need to call that one out. Again, biggest bunch of girls here. I kinda want James to get a rose tonight just to make them all twitchy.
Rachel: It’s a somber rose ceremony and all the guys will have to question their feelings if Des keeps James. Mature response, not that I’d expect much more from them. Let’s get this night over with…
Three dudes are going home:
Already has a rose: Drew and Zak
Gets a rose: Chris, Brooks, Michael
Going home: Juan Palbo, James & Kasey
Wait, what??? You kept Michael over Juan Pablo??? Have you lost your mind? Well, if these are the decision you’re going to make, you deserve Michael and all his whining.
Rachel: Well, that was painful, but I have to say I’m rather intrigued by the previews… Drew leaves? After all that moral superiority? This I have to see.
Melissa: WTF – Juan Pablo goes home?! Shenanigans I say. Well, unless he’s the next Bachelor. I’m not gonna hate on that!! I’m also starting to not like Michael.