One Sentence Summary: Two words: brides and porn.
Rachel: After last week’s impossibly boring 100th episode, tonight is automatically a win. I’m sorry but that was the best you could come up with after 8 seasons? I’ve actually kept it on my DVR in case I’m hit with an unusually powerful bout of insomnia. That and a little nip of whiskey and this Winey Bitch will be sleeping like a baby…. A baby with a possible drinking issue, but a baby nonetheless. I don’t even know what’s on deck tonight other than wedding dress shopping for Tamra. Oh right! Vicki finds out that Brooks is shtupping a girl in her twenties. I would love to sit down with that girl and just ask, “Why?” I mean do you think you’re going to somehow wrangle yourself 15 minutes of fame on the show? I can’t think of another reason. It’s certainly not for his boyish good looks or his deep pockets or his award-winning parenting skills. So, yeah, gonna Kim Kardashian that one, eh? Good luck.
You’re The Baby! No, You Are!
Rachel: We start at Tamra & Eddie’s new gym. This might be the longest it’s ever taken to open a gym in the history of construction. But in the middle of the mess, Eddie has set-up a romantic candlelight dinner. That’s sweet. Turns out they were supposed to be open weeks ago, but are running behind schedule. You think? Those guys must be working 2 hours a day. The conversation turns to Tamra’s abs and how she & Heather look out to make sure neither have any belly fat hanging over their pants. Tamra keeps throwing out the line with plenty of bait on it, but Eddie just isn’t biting. Sorry, there will be no fishing for compliments tonight. Eddie’s more interested in his kabob. Not a euphemism.
Eddie changes the subject from muffin tops to the Gretchen vs Alexis drama. Tamra just wanted to invite everyone to her dress shopping and is annoyed that Gretchen now doesn’t want to go because Alexis is going. She thought it was rude. Ya think? But wouldn’t you have pulled the same shit if the situation was reversed? Methinks yes. Meknows yes. Eddie thinks it’s childish. Yes. Yes, it is. Welcome to the Housewives. Gretchen has been texting Tamra all day, but Tamra refuses to acknowledge it. However, if Gretchen doesn’t show up for dress shopping tomorrow, Tamra’s going to be really pissed. Well, then maybe reply to her texts and let her know you still expect her. If I were getting blown off, I’d assume I was disinvited. Seems that childish behavior is playing out on both sides here.
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Heather got a call from a the casting directors of Malibu Country starring Reba McIntyre and is doing the table read today. Never heard of this show. Is it new? It’s a possible recurring role and Terry is being really supportive without cracking his bad jokes. She calls him to check in and you can actually see the rainbows and unicorns coming through the phone’s speaker. It smacks of sucking up, but she certainly deserves a little suckage after the last go ’round. This makes Heather happy. Good job, Terry. You finally realized the old adage is true: happy wife, happy life.
Taffeta, Tulle and Talk
Lauri, Vicki & Tamra show up at Tamra’s for the dress shopping extravaganza. Lauri & Vicki showed up together? But Lauri, you hate her. And apparently, Lauri also has issues with Tamra for cracking a joke about her third marriage on a previous episode. Lauri calls it talking smack, but they just showed it, and at worst, it’s a snotty joke. OK, Bitter Betty, enough. We get that you’re back to exact revenge on everyone that glanced at you sideways, but the story’s getting old. So relax. And for the love, what are you wearing?
Lydia is next to show up, putting Gretchen Watch 2013 in full effect. Vicki is being super bitchy in her confessional about Tamra getting married for the third time and getting annoyed that there might be champagne in the limo. Uh, let’s see… How do I say this… Oh right, STFU! You’re just jealous and I’m pretty sure you were the one riding the tequila pony in Mexico. Champagne is not only recommended, but required when dress shopping. Straight bourbon for bridesmaids dress shopping. Wait, so Tamra was in not one, but two shotgun weddings? Well, damn, hurry up and get yourself a hot mama dress.
Ah, they are actually picking Gretchen up on the way after she finally texted Tamra and said she was coming. Speaking of which, Tamra wants to know from Lydia what when down with Slade at salsa dancing. Vicki says Slade will always find something on a woman to pick on. Lydia says that she knows his “eat a cheeseburger” comment wasn’t intended as a joke and a man should never comment on a woman’s appearance in the first place. Yes, but Slade hardly qualifies as a man. I am so liking this new Anti-Slade movement happening. It was starting to freak me out that everyone was suddenly cool with him. He’s seriously one of the douchiest guys on the planet.
Gossiping must come to a stop as Gretchen enters the limo. Lydia notices that Gretchen is sporting a giant diamond ring on her wedding finger. Gretchen says it’s the ring Jack gave her, which she just likes to wear because it’s so beautiful. Hold the phone… You are wearing your dead ex-fiance’s ring – which your current beau had to see – to go dress shopping for someone else? Holy need for attention.
The ladies arrive at Mark Zunino where Heather & Alexis are waiting. Whoa, the designer has had more plastic surgery than the ladies. The women start looking for dresses while Gretchen checks out the sketches on the wall. She’s not interested in participating. Oh have a glass of champagne and have some fun. Eddie still hasn’t set a date for the wedding, but Tamra’s moving ahead regardless. Well, we all know now that we’re getting to see the wedding in a Bravo special, so clearly it was more about the contracts than it was about the date. Not that I necessarily blame him.
Lydia & Alexis drink some champers and celebrate the detente happening in the room. With that, Tamra emerges in the first dress. It’s beautiful but apparently crushes the lungs. Oh hey, remember that detente I was mentioning two sentences ago? Well, Vicki will have none of that so she pulls Alexis aside and tells her that Gretchen has an issue with her being there. She also says that Tamra stuck to her guns and insisted on Alexis coming. Oh Vicki, must you? I mean I know you must, but couldn’t you maybe put it on the back burner while the dresses are happening? I mean I know you want to push Gretchen out, but not now.
Alexis has to leave early so she goes into the dressing room with Tamra to say good bye. She also thanks Tamra for standing by her with regard to Gretchen. Yep, someone spun the Housewives’ roulette wheel and Gretchen’s name came up as the next target for the girls. Hope you enjoyed your time in the sun, Gretchen. It’s about to get very cold in your world. HA! Alexis just said she wishes Gretchen would eat some of her make-up so she could become pretty again. Oh damn, that was good.
Alexis leaves and talk turns to Vicki wanting to get married again. Weren’t you just mouthing off about three marriages? Anyway, Vicki turns her nose up at the idea of marrying Brooks and Lydia wants to know why. Part of me gets annoyed with Lydia and her nosey neighbor routine. Then there’s the other part of me that loves it because she asks the questions we all want the answers to. Apparently, Vicki & Brooks had dinner last night and ended it officially. Well, he ended it. Vicki says she doesn’t fit his life and a big part of that is because of Briana. Lauri says she knows Vicki’s kids well enough to know that there must be something there, because they do actually want to see her happy. This gives Lauri her segue to bring up the young chippie that Brooks has been seeing. Vicki says he wasn’t cheating on her because they were able to see other people…. but she wants to know who “the bitch” is. Lauri says the girl is probably under 21. Vicki doesn’t believe it. His son is 23 and he would never date someone that young. Lady, please. Are you kidding me? Lauri tells her that it’s one of her daughter’s friends so she knows them seeing each other to be true. The sleeping together part, well we’ll all assume that to be true. This hurts Vicki but it will help her move on… Well, then we find out she’s a porn star and all hell breaks loose. Vicki is horrified. Gretchen thinks this is karma for all of Vicki’s philandering. Lydia would like Lauri to take Vicki aside and away from all the white wedding gowns. And with that… another wedding dress. Back to oohs and ahhs. Everyone loves it and Tamra’s in tears over it… I think she looks like a Vegas showgirl, but hey, it’s not my wedding.
Gretchen leaves early for her “speaking engagement” while the rest of the girls gather round for a picture. Well, everyone but Vicki who has chosen this moment to break down crying. Look, I’ve been through some bad break-ups and have lost my shit in public for no good reason other than my heart hurt, but you were fine 30 seconds ago. Suck it up, take the picture, THEN meltdown. That’s how the Lonely Hearts Club rules play out. Lauri & Lydia go to her to calm her down. Lauri hopes she won’t shoot the messenger, because she feels terribly. No she doesn’t. She thinks maybe Vicki’s kids were intuitive enough to sense something bad and they were just looking out for her. Lauri whispers to Vicki the girl’s name, but we don’t get to hear it. Damn! I was ready to look that shit up… and you how I hate to have to look shit up.
Back in limo, Vicki reassures Lauri that she’s not mad. She’s just tired. Next up, Border Grill for dinner. Oh, how I love that place. If you’re ever in LA, make sure to hit it up. At the table, Tamra and Heather get filled in on the drama they missed at the bridal shop while Vicki is outside taking a call. Heather wonders if Vicki needed to know that Brooks is seeing someone. She feels like Lauri had ulterior motives in telling Vicki. Very perceptive Heather.
Now that they’re at dinner, Heather can tell everyone her news. She’s going to be on Reba McIntyre’s new show. Apparently, so is Gretchen. She told Tamra that she might not make it to dress shopping because she was also offered a part on this new show. She also told Heather this. Heather, sensing some shenanigans might be afoot, asked the casting directors if this is true. Apparently, it’s not so much true. Gasps abound! Gretchen is a liar! And so the tables have officially turned and the hunter is now the hunted. Seems Gretchen got her filming dates mixed up too, which means she double lied to Tamra about why she couldn’t make it today. So much for that whole “I sacrificed a job to be here with you.” line. I’m thinking she just wanted back in the Tamra’s nook so this was her obviously bad attempt at it. Heather says maybe she was really confused. Nope, she’s a liar. Liar, liar, liar says Vicki. Slow your roll, Vic. Your fangs are showing. Tamra just hates that she lied to her instead of being honest about her feelings, especially after Tamra opened up to her in Mexico. Well, I don’t know how you can trust someone that thinks Slade is a good person in the first place. That’s where my suspicions begin and end. And so begins the fall of Gretchen… Again.
Rachel: Oh boy, next week we have Vicki screaming at Lauri in the snow. This should be fun. And by the way, I did hear the owners of Border Grill talking about baked placenta. No, I didn’t acknowledge it because I don’t feel like cleaning up vomit off of my computer.