Princesses: Long Island, Season 1, Episode 5 – Intermenschion

One Sentence Summary:  We get to see the girls as professionals this week, with Erica’s being in the sexual arts.

My Thoughts:

But I'm a catch!!! How is that not obvious???

But I’m a catch!!! How is that not obvious???

Rachel:  Oy vey, it’s these girls again.  I think I’ve finally realized why I am having such a hard time with them… none of them are all that likable.  Usually, there’s one person in the cast with whom you can identify or root for.  I mean even on Jersey Shore, you kinda couldn’t help but root for Vinnie & Pauly D.  It made the rest of the monsters more digestible.  These “princesses” (and the term alone is stereotyping) are terrible.  I’m not rooting for any of them.  Though I’m not hating Joey, which is the most I can say at this point, so I guess there’s that.  I have a feeling there will only be one season of this mess.  I mean is there more than a handful of us out there masochistically watching every week?  I can’t imagine there are.  And if you’re doing it without wine or booze, then you must be a saint… or a real glutton for pain.  Same thing?  Well, I’m back after dipping on you Week 4 when Ashlee got attention from a tattooed hottie bartender (and who doesn’t like a tattooed hottie bartender?) before gagging over motel sheets, Chanel continued her assault on the dance world, Amanda watched her mom take “cougar-ing” to new heights and Erica bobbleheaded her way into cheating on Rob.  It can only go up from here…

Mazel Tov (I’m just picking random Jewish terms so I can fit in)

I have to admit that I like how they’ve done the opening recaps for this show, minus the insistent Jewish references and proverbs.  I also like the theme song, but what’s not to love about Scissor Sisters.  And that concludes all the positive things I will say about tonight’s show.  OK, wine glass full… You girls may begin to annoy me…

Amanda comes to collect Chanel for a night out, but Chanel is feeling a little sad clown over her baby sister’s marriage and her lack of lovin’.  So, they have some wine and chit-chat first.  Not mad at the wine.  Chanel wants to know what’s going on with Erica since they had plans and she’s nowhere to be found.  Amanda thinks she’s hiding due to Jewish guilt, but isn’t going to rat out Erica and her bathroom shenanigans.  Yeah, that’s what the TV camera is for.  Even without Erica, the girls manage to find the strength to go out and have a good time.  These women really are an inspiration.

It takes about 5 minutes in the club before the dancing begins.  Seriously, where

The Jewish version of the Harlam Shake.

The Jewish version of the Harlam Shake.

did Chanel learn to dance?  Clearly, she thinks she has some moves being that she’s working it every episode like it’s an audition for So You Think You Can Dance.  Amanda cons another random man into giving Chanel a lap dance after she wrangled her mom one last week.  Is this a new thing with the kids these days?  I mean if it is, I might have to check this phenomenon out… You know, for research.  For the blog.  I’m dedicated that way.

Erica finally gets back to the girls and explains that her absence is due to spending her evening booting in the bathroom.  And then there’s something about polyps.  And by polyps, I think she means chlamydia.  Stranger danger, girl!  The girls have no idea what to say, but they’re not happy that she bailed on Chanel in her time of need.  Yes, since Chanel’s ex came back and proved why he is still an ex, she is in desperate need of girl time at the local club.  Lick those wounds, Coco.  Lick ’em good.

Erica emerges from the bathroom the next day to meet Rob at a small waterside location so he can tell her that he’s upset she left him hanging.  Too bad he’s the only one left hanging.  Ba-dum-dum… Low  hanging fruit, people.   I’m not too proud to take it.  She says she’s not leaving him hanging.  She just needs some time to herself, which is normal.  She tells us, in her confessional, that nothing happened after Body English.  She went home and ate chips in front of the TV.   Note the word “after”.  I think we’re all interested in what happened AT Body English.

Rob also feels insecure about all the guys texting her all the time.  Hey, she’s a pretty girl, which isn’t her fault, and his insecurities aren’t her problem.  What a loving girlfriend.  Her lack of affection is getting to him too.  Seems that would also be his problem.  He’s too needy.  Girl, do you not smell the chum in the

Erica saves her affections for random dudes in club bathrooms.

Erica saves her affections for random dudes in club bathrooms.

water?  There are about 100 Jewess sharks circling that dude and are ready to attack the second you take your eye off the ball… and put your hand on someone else’s balls.  Bottom line:  he’s ready to settle down and be done with the heavy drinking and bar scene.  He would like to know if she feels the same way.  We have to wait for Erica to stop yawning before she tells him she doesn’t know.  Anyone else hearing the Jaws theme?  It ends with her telling him that she can’t spend anymore time with him today due to her need to get food and rest tonight before her big day of going to the gym and getting her nails done.  She generously offers him a hug.  Well, he is allowed to hug her.  He says he loves her and she thinks about it a minute then tells him she loves him too… sometimes.   Dude, run.

Chanel is having the girls over for bagels and girl tawk.  Does Amanda own any pants?  Even shorts?  All she wears are tiny spandex skirts and dresses.  Don’t you ever just want to put the chooch away for an afternoon?   Just wondering.  Ashlee can do the cream cheese and the tomatoes, but she doesn’t do smells so someone needs to turn the lox platter away from her.  I mean it’s a wonder she’s single.  Who doesn’t want to date the 30-year-old version of Aunt Edna?

As usual, talk turns to Erica and her drinking.  This bums Casey out because Chanel is always there for Erica.  But the big story here is that Erica’s behavior is becoming worrisome to the girls.  Chanel thinks they need to talk to her.  Ashlee thinks if they all talk to her, it will feel like an attack, which is Jewish Princess for “you’re on your own”.  I don’t really blame her seeing as how interventions never really go well.  Chanel thinks Casey would be the most logical partner for this meeting.  Casey says she will help, but she will be offended if Erica doesn’t get help.  You know, because she’s being so selfless.  Yeah, just so you know, Casey, selfless means doing something withOUT the expectation of reciprocation.  But have at it.  Joey & Amanda find the whole premise of Casey talking to Erica hilarious.  Mostly because it is hilariously stupid.

Amanda is working on her Drink Hanky line.  Now, I really don’t want to admit this, but we’re all friends, right?  I kinda think it’s genius.  I am just princess enough to hate when my Starbucks glass gets all wet and drips everywhere.  There I said it.  Crucify me, if you must, but I’m owning it and probably ordering one at the end of the show.  Ilton, Amanda’s BFF and Creative Director, stops by for a business meeting.  They are designing a Drink Hanky series for the summer, when mom brings them snacks, mostly because she can’t be alone for 30 seconds.  Mom’s big idea is to put dildos in the drink hanky.  SMH.

Our other little entrepreneur, Joey, heads into a meeting with JWalk Marketing to catch-up after their last “heated” meeting.   Joey is the inventor of Kissamint.

I have a mint you can kiss.

I have a mint you can kiss.

It’s a lip balm and breath drop all in one handy package.  Shit, I like this idea too.  I like it better than the Drink Hanky.  Charlie Walk, CEO of JWalk Marketing, says that if she gets this right, maybe she can finally get herself a husband.  Really?  If that were me on the couch, he’d have a stiletto sticking out of his head right about now.  This guys is super creepy and wants the tagline for Kissamint to be “Make Love To My Lips”.  Her unique proposition is sex.  Is it?  Pretty sure that’s not unique nor what the proposition is.  I just hope she gets out of there before he propositions her.  God, he’s gross.

Casey & Ashlee celebrate their new friendship by going shoe shopping.  Ashlee just loves how fast their friendship is growing, especially because Casey is such an inspiration to her… like a refrigerator magnet.  So she blows sunshine up your ass?  Casey is kvelling about the new friendship as well.  Everybody hug!  They take a break from their shoe shopping to talk about Erica and her drinking some more.  Casey talks Ashlee into thinking the intervention is a good idea.  Now back to the shoes… Ashlee has to call her dad and let him know that she’s buying 6 pairs of shoes for the low low price of $5,300.  No, that’s not a typo.  No wonder her parents can’t afford to replace the 1984 decor happening in their house.

Amanda is doing a photo shoot for her Drink Hanky line today.  Does someone want to tell them that they might want to direct the model to actually show the product, instead of gripping it with both hands?  The construction in the background gives Amanda a Lady Gaga moment of inspiration.  She’s going to photobomb the construction site.  Yes, running around a live construction site in short shorts sounds like a brilliant idea.  The construction workers are less inspired.

Holy shit, Ashlee has a date!  His name is Stefan and he is sporting a Jesus bracelet.   That should be a deal breaker no matter what your religion is.  Ashlee is OK with a non-Jew provided there is no Jesus paraphernalia happening.  Enjoy your 60 seconds of fame, Stefan.  I have a feeling we won’t be seeing you again.

Joey and her dad head out for a day of boating.  Apparently dad is a hard ass.   He thinks she could be doing more than she’s doing.  He wants to know when she’s going to raise the capital to get Kissamint produced already.  That or shut it down and move on.  She says it takes 3-5 years for a start-up to start making money.  It’s only been 2 years.  So, we have another year before TWB is huge?  Sweet.  But I have to say that I respect Joey for standing up to her dad and fighting for her dream.  I think she’s got something cool.  She isn’t just sitting around eating bon bons and buying $800 pairs of shoes on his credit card.  That’s a win right there.

Casey & Chanel decide to surprise Erica with a visit.  Chanel tells her that she was

I just figured out how to exact my final revenge on Erica... Hey daddy, how you doin'?

I just figured out how to exact my final revenge on Erica… Hey daddy, how you doin’?

bummed about Monday night, and as one of her closest friends, she has to let her know that no one’s perfect.  Wait, what?  Casey says she should be thinking about kids and marriage at their age.  This is the worst intervention ever.  What are you even talking about?  Now they’re talking about battling weight as some kind of parallel to Erica’s drinking, without having one time actually mentioned drinking.  I need to be drinking right now.  Oh hey, I am!  What a lucky break.  There is more talk about stars dying in bathtubs, Casey’s trauma from The Hamptons and Erica falling.  Erica finally understands and says she falls all the time.  Oh, maybe she doesn’t get it.  Finally, Chanel zeros in on the issue and Casey recommends crocheting as an alternate hobby to drinking.  With that, Erica dismisses them to go clean up the house with mom, which means she must really be tired of this conversation.

Erica tells her mom about the conversation she just had with the girls.  She felt ganged up on and thinks Chanel should have come herself.  True.  Mom isn’t feeling the message either and thinks she should just ignore them.   They’re a bit stiff anyhow so it’s no wonder they don’t have boyfriends.  Yes, and your daughter is the epitome of loose.  And you wonder how Erica became the “hottest” girl in Long Island.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:   Well, it was only a matter of time before we had a thrown drink and moved into Housewife territory.  Looks like we have our moment next week thanks to Chanel.  Joy.

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One response to “Princesses: Long Island, Season 1, Episode 5 – Intermenschion

  1. Okay okay, I’m a bit peeved. Leave poor Stefan alone. Can’t anyone see that this was scripted or staged? Firstly, wearing Christian iconography is not so unheard of when you are Christian- particularly Orthodox Christian. What did she expect to see on an icon bracelet? Snoopy? Not all practicing Christians wear Crucifixes, icons, etc… but when they do the item has usually been blessed and/or was once owned and worn by a beloved relative. For her to knowingly date a Christian and then say she would only date one if they weren’t Christian is as shallow as me saying I would only date a Jew, but get rid of your yamulke and Star of David thank you kindly. She is lucky anyone other than her dad speaks to her. Suck it up, be happy someone noticed you. Stop your bitching and bigoted griping, STFU, and enjoy yourself, or at least be honest about your xenophobia and stop wasting his and your time. This show gets creepier and creepier, from the girls “dancing” thinking they’re sexy, to Erica’s jerky head, to that point she seems to be giving plenty of it. What makes any if them great marriage material. Note to Joey, Run!!! Run girl. You might just have a great shot in life if you can keep away from those skeevy **holes who sexualize and diminish you. I think Joey is the only one with bona fide reason to hold her head high.

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