One Sentence Summary: Bravo wastes more of our time.
Rachel: Two hours. Two hours of this plus two hours of the Bachelorette while trying to stream the hockey game on my computer. This should be fun. If I’m not passed out on my keyboard with an empty bottle of wine next to me by 10pm, I’ll be shocked. And probably a little bit proud. I’m not sure if we’re going to learn anything new or it’s even worth covering, but I’m here. And I should be since I missed last week.
For what it’s worth, here are my two cents on that subject. Lydia is steadily climbing in my esteem column after calling out Slade for being a douche. And her husband gets kudos for letting her handle her shit herself. Gretchen still sucks and is so clearly freaked out that Tamra is suddenly the most popular cheerleader on the squad. Lydia gets props for calling her out as well. Tamra gets two thumbs up for not screaming at anyone, especially being that Brooks AND Alexis were in the room. And speaking of which, why did Heather & Terry not get called out for inviting him? I was waiting for that spark to ignite all night. Brooks is definitely still a creeper, but it’s Vicki’s life and if that’s who she wants to fill her love tank (gag), then so be it. Oh and remember how excited I was that Lauri was back. I lied. Can’t stand her. She’s so petty and nasty. She’s clearly weaseled her way back in just to talk shit about Vicki. Now, I’m not saying she didn’t do anything to deserve it. I’m just saying you can’t be mad at someone for not coming directly to you when you refuse to go directly to them and confront the situation… not that I expect any of these women to be anything but total hypocrites. I watched the San Fran episodes again this past week and Alexis did to Vicki exactly what she has been crying about for two seasons now, including having a lunch with Gretchen prior to the trip to discuss the need for an intervention with Vicki. Now, what were you saying about being a bully? Anyway, we have two hours of this nonsense tonight… Let’s get going.
100 Long Episodes Later…
Rachel: I have a feeling there isn’t going to be a lot of substance here so it’s going to be a lot of bullet points…
- Let’s start at the very beginning… Turns out Vicki’s son, Michael, was the one that found the ad for this show and started the ball rolling. He got Lauri and Jeanna to join in with Vicki. So, this is all Michael’s fault. Good to know who I should put in the center of my dartboard. Slade bid $2500 on an auction to get he & Jo on the show. So technically no one wanted him on the show from the very beginning. And Jo did it for him because he wanted to be on the show. You just lucked out, Michael. Slade goes back on the dartboard.
- Andy Cohen says a good Housewife is pretty, outspoken and opinionated. You got two out of three correct. Gretchen was approached by Jo & Slade to be on the show. Interesting how that played out. Think Slade was already planning his move?
- Slade thinks he looked like a total douchebag on the first season. First season? You were a dreamboat then compared to the douchebaggery to spring on us weekly now. But no one was thrilled with how they looked the first time they saw themselves nor were they thrilled with their behavior. And yet, the behavior has steadily gotten worse. They used to watch the show at Jeanna’s every week until they started getting mad at each other. ha ha…
- The down side to being famous is being judged. Vicki actually wanted Andy to take things off the internet. Seriously? Were you unaware of how the Internet works? It’s hard to hold on to privacy says Vicki. That’s what happens when you sign a contract that lets cameras follow your every move. You clearly wanted the attention, so here it is! Enjoy!
- And now the bling… Andy calls RHOC the Knots Landing of the Housewives. They are the most ostentatious about their bling and their money. I think the Bev Hills ladies are catching up quickly, but as long as Vicki & Alexis are on OC, the OC will reign supreme in the counting cash out loud category. They show Slade flashing his black card back in Season 1. You know that thing is in about 100 pieces at the bottom of a landfill somewhere. Andy makes a great point that they live behind gates but will put their whole lives on camera.
- Plastic surgery. They are definitely the most plastic Housewife cast of them all. Half of them look Asian, they’ve had their faces pulled so far. Lynn is barely able to move her face. Lauri is struggling quite a bit too. Back away from the ‘Tox needles ladies. You look like you belong in a wax museum.
- Andy says he didn’t think we’d want to watch them suffer through an economic downturn??? Have you never heard the term schadenfreude? We didn’t watch because we could relate. We watched because it was refreshing to see these shallow women get his with the reality most of us live with on a daily basis. Here’s your dose of reality, Andy. We don’t identify with these women. We are appalled by them and watch the train wreck because we’re masochists.
- Vicki hazes all the new girls and is the President of the show. You know, because it’s her show. Wow, this woman is drinking her own kool-aid. Oh, here we are at the SF show. Vicki says the women “overpowered” their place. The second you hear someone talk about people and their places in regard to themselves, they’ve gone over the cliff of reality. Vicki was not thrilled with most of the new cast additions, but Heather brought class back to her season, which Vicki loves. So she didn’t get hazed. She’s everything Alexis wants to be. ha ha. Oh, that’s so true.
- Why are the friendships so volatile? Apparently it’s because they see each other talk shit when the shows air. Uh, they don’t during the season so that’s not it. It’s that they’re just volatile people. And they do shitty things like get Gretchen “naked wasted” to prove she’s everything they say she is. Granted, Gretchen proved them right so that’s really on her. I mean making out with Tamra’s son in a bathroom? Tacky. But Vicki & Tamra have unconditional love even though Tamra crossed another line in Vicki’s book with the Brooks fight. Tamra will never hurt her that way again. I think it had a lot more to do with her being bitter about Gretchen than anything. That’s the maturity level we’re working with here.
- Oh God, did I just see an ad for RHOMiami? Ack, are they back already? I’m not ready for them. Please no. Please.
- Vicki says she hates fighting. She is a butterfly happy thing. Cut to her screaming at everyone. It’s just that she can’t help it when people cross the line. Yeah, two words I would never use to describe Vicki are butterfly and happy. “Thing” on the other hand…
- Now it’s the evolution of fashion over the years. They all think it’s gotten better; including the make-up. Uh no. It’s gotten heavier. I don’t know how Gretchen holds her head up. And oh those halters… You know the ones with the jewel right at the boobs. Hideous!
- Now it’s a montage of all their vacations… Screaming and more screaming. Where’s my wine?
- Slade says the cameras saved him from marrying Jo, because without them he might not have seen who she really is. Honey, she’s the lucky one. He thinks she wanted to trade up. Yeah, can’t blame her there. Jo thinks Gretchen violated girl code by dating Slade whom she met through Jo. Honey, they deserve each other. Keep it in the rear view.
- What would they take back? Tammy would like to take back some of her kids’ problems. Tamra doesn’t regret Ryan being on TV. It’s a relatable story. Ryan feels like people don’t give him the benefit of changing from the age of 21 to his now age of 27. All of Season 1 was embarrassing for Lauri because of Josh. Shane says he learned a lot from being on the show. Shane is now an actor (He has one entry on IMDB and it’s in post-production) and Kara is getting married to an athlete (marrying NFL linebacker Kyle Bosworth).
- Biggest perk for being on the show for Jeanna was getting her sky tops… Apparently, that is the official name of those horrible horrible halter tops. And still a bad idea.
- Reunions – They all hate them. Gee, why? You’re all so well-behaved. Ugliest moment was Slade vs Tamra. Everyone ends up in tears. And Andy gets to decide the tone of the reunion. Being that Andy has been pushed, ignored and screamed over, I don’t think he’s in control so much. They are just well-dressed grudge matches where all the shit everyone has held in all year comes volcano-ing out. They exhaust me and I’m usually lying down when I watch.
- Vicki once again says the show is her baby and without her doing the first season, there would be no Housewives. Really? I have a feeling someone else would have answered that ad. Take it down a notch or twelve, Vicki.
Rachel: Well that was not at all interesting. I want my two hours (and bottle of wine) back.