The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 5: Bitte Bryden

One Sentence Summary:  It’s Thunderdome night, but one bachelor leaves without a fight.

Our Thoughts:

At least the guys they pick are all individuals.

At least the guys they pick are all individuals.

Rachel:  And so begins the whirlwind tour for Des and her suitors.  First stop, Germany.  I imagine an evening full of bier, brats and lederhosen.   We know how Des likes a little sausage… wait, what?   Come on, the way she has been attacking the bachelors’ lips – all of them – you know it’s going to be a rockin’ good time up in the Fantasty Suite.  Can’t say as I blame her.  She’s got some cuties there… minus Brooks.  I still haven’t figured that out.  He must have a magical tongue.  Or maybe that proprietary mixture of botanicals and herbs he puts on his hair is actually a magical potion that seduces women.  That’d be my guess.  Though I will give him credit for seemingly being relatively good-natured.  Yep, that’s the biggest compliment I could  muster.  I mean I don’t dislike Brooks, I just missed the memo on the hotness.  Anywho, let’s pour some Gewurtztraminer and get this Oktoberfest started.

Melissa:  OK, I’m going to apologize now my dears… I’m nursing a nasty jetlag, and well, let’s just say I’m coasting on fumes and can’t really be trusted to speak (type) coherent thoughts.  But hey, this could be a fun new angle to my snark… So snarky and incomprehensible it becomes genius.  OK, maybe that’s just wishful thinking… A bitch can dream.


Standing waaay over here lets me pretend it's the camera angle making me look so tiny next to you guys.

Standing waaay over here lets me pretend it’s the camera angle making me look so tiny next to you guys.

Rachel:  The guys arrive in Munich and wander the city so we can get lots of beautiful views.  I hope they make them get on one of those tandem beer bikes in lederhosen and prove their love is as big as a traveling keg of beer.  Chris greets the men and tells them that they are joining Des on her first trip to Europe.  There are three dates tonight:  a one-on-one date, a group date and the dreaded two-on-one date.  Oh, the Thunderdome Date, as Melissa lovingly refers to it…  Two men enter, one man leaves.  Always a good time.

Off the men go to find their first date card at the hotel, which is ridiculously beautiful.  Have I mentioned that I’m so going on this show when they have the Cougar Edition just so I can get some free travel.  Anyway, James finds the date card which grants Chris his first one-on-one date.

Melissa:  So we kick things off in Munich – a town I have yet to visit, like much of the Bachelors.  I’ll agree, it is beautiful.  I’m surprised though not to get my initial deep thoughts / dress sketching to kick off the show… What’s up Producers??  Ah, but they don’t leave me without a little Chris intro.  HA… 2 go out… 1 returns!  It’s Thunderdome time!!  Oh, if only there were fights to the death for the Bachelorette.

Hang on now, this hotel room is ridic!  So uncool that these twatwaffles get to tour the world and I have to live vicariously from Northwestern Jersey.  What’s wrong with this picture??  BTW, for those of you playing at home, twatwaffle is a new favorite word… get used to it, you’ll hear it for the next month or so.

Date-us Interruptus

I won't be ignored, Des.

Hold on, I want to interrupt the date, but not the dance.

Rachel:  Des picks up Chris for their date and we have our first official “walk around and happen upon things” date.  What fun will they find???  I can hardly catch my breath in anticipation of them eating foreign foods, buying fun trinkets and wandering into the middle of a band.  It’s amazing how that just keeps happening!

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Bryden is still moping.  He’s feeling worse and worse about the situation.  Des’s reassurances to him were just a small band-aid over a deeper wound.  He confides in James that it’s at the point that someone is going to get hurt the longer it goes on and what kind of person would do that?  Um, the kind of person that signs up for a reality dating show where one person strings a bunch of people along, willingly, until the last man is standing. But that’s not for Bryden so he’s gonna go.  Right now.  In the middle of Chris & Des’s date. Told ya this guy was a wing nut when he said he joined the army to get away from his ex.  Sorry Melissa, your boy is a basket case.

Meanwhile, Des & Chris wander around and take pictures with the creepiest little person I’ve ever seen.  They eat some sausages, which is not a euphemism.  You have to point these things out when you’re discussing Des.  Next, they dress in traditional German costumes.  Oh, they’re just such hams!  This is a knee-slapping good time.  Oh I’m sorry, dancing in the square to a German band surrounded by tourists who just have happened to form a wide berth around the band giving them their own dance floor is the knee-slapping good time.

Oh, if only they knew how the kraut was about to be sucked out of their date.  Bryden is out in the streets, asking tourists if they’ve seen a TV camera around.  You mean like the one behind you?  I have a feeling if you asked the producers and made a big deal out of it, they’d give you some directions.  But he finally finds them and actually goes through with interrupting the date, after watching them dance to band.  Hey, if you’re going to pull a dick move, why not go the whole way and march right out onto the dance floor?  Don’t just lurk in the background like a stalker.

Poor Chris.  At least he’s cool enough of a dude to let them go and talk.  The guys back at the hotel feel badly that he’s going to ruin Des’s day.  Well, yeah, but I’m sure she’ll find some way to make it ok and still muster up the strength to make out with Chris.  She’s a fighter that way.  Bryden tells her that he’s not “there” emotionally and he’s going to go home.  She thinks he probably could have figured that out before the 14 hour flight to Munich.  Yes, but now he gets to hang out in Munich in sequester while the show films vs Atlantic City.  She doesn’t seem too broken up about it and isn’t letting him affect her date with Chris.  She returns and they stop off for a bier (look at me speaking German) too spend some time ripping Bryden.  But Chris is there for the right reasons.  And with that, she’s shiny happy people again.

Melissa:  Of course Chris knows German!  After his amazing find of the roof on the group date, let’s see what magic he’ll find this time around?  A yard behind a house?

So Bryden is having souring feelings about the process.  Finally, one of these boys woke up and aren’t completely starstruck after 5 weeks.  Really, just 5 weeks and they aren’t all falling all over themselves in love?  

So back on the date, they head to the sausage factory… no, not the hotel with the Bachelors… an actual butcher shop.  So is her schtick that they try on goofy clothes?  I mean didn’t we do this just 2 weeks ago?

So Bryden’s headed out.  I guess good for him for making the move and getting out of Dodge.  It sucks because you know I likes me some Bryden.  That being said, why is he all stalker-ific?  Why not just leave her a note and hop on your plane?  Man, and boyfriend doesn’t even get a good-bye hug.  At least the boys getting chucked after no rose get a hug.  But wait, Des is worried about all the men she has left in her stable of suitors possibly choosing to leave because they aren’t interested.  Um, it’s the Bachelorette.  It’s not normal dating and you have to give cutie props for moving on instead of taking space.  

The face of a woman in love... or excruciating pain.

The face of a woman in love… or excruciating pain.

Rachel:  Chris & Des go to dinner and he is happy that she handled the Bryden situation the way she did.  He’s just stoked to hang out with her and talk about the 4 subjects that are approved by the producers of abc.  He says he’s the relationship guy, and his ex was not in a place to have a family.  On the plane, Chris wrote another poem.  I really want to rag on it, but damn if I wouldn’t be a big ball of mush if someone wrote that for me.  The only “poetry” I’ve inspired are a few songs written by an ex about how my blood runs cold and I’m evil.  Ah, love.

And the making out begins and continues through a Matt White concert.  Thumbs up for Chris.  I like this guy.  I seriously wonder if the bachelors are contractually obligated to say “falling in love” at least once during their run on the show.  I have dated like 1,000 men in my life and getting even a nod toward love out of them was harder than catching a glimpse of the Yeti.

Melissa:  She feels natural and normal with Chris?  This I find interesting because I totally get a creeper vibe from him.  You know, the guy that hides in your closet waiting for you to get home and then watches you sleep.  Yes, his wanting to be the serious guy is just more proof of the cray-cray possibilities.  For real, what’s with all the poems and letters to Des?  I really wish one of these seasons someone would just flat out not accept a rose.  Can I start a petition?  Man, that would have been great had Bryden decided at the rose ceremony not to accept the rose.  Who are all these musicians they get to play on this show?  I have not heard of a single one this season, but everyone is always so floored “x was playing just for us, it was amazing”.

Snow White

Tell me what's in your hair conditioner!

Tell me what’s in your hair conditioner!

Rachel:  The group date card arrives:  James, Kasey, Juan Pablo, Drew, Brooks, Zak and Mikey are selected.  Never have men been happier to go on a group date because it means no Thunderdome for them.  The news isn’t so good for Ben & Michael who will be facing each other on the two-on-one date.  Yep, it’s the mortal enemies going  to the mat.  Well played producers.  Well played.

But more importantly, are either Juan Pablo or Drew ever getting one-on-one dates?  I mean come on already.  The crew takes a gondola up the mountains to the highest (and I imagine the coldest) peak in Germany.  While up there, they hear some yodeling… a word which Juan Pablo can’t actually say… which just makes him cuter, by the way.  The guys all take their turn yodeling, then have to sled down a giant ski slope.  It’s bachelor road kill!

After sledding, they walk up the hill and find  “snowy mounds” according to Drew.  They also find an igloo.  It’s an igloo big enough for the entire crew to hang out and drink.  Des would like everyone to know that if they’re feeling the way Bryden does, they should go home now.  No one moves.  I fear we will never see a mass rebellion like what happened to Ashlee over Bentley.  Oh well.  Brooks wants to reassure her that he’s all good.  So, he takes her to the snowy… um, bedroom?  Lounge?  They chat about feelings and she just grabs him and kisses him.  Yeah, I was tired of him talking too.  Mikey is up next and I’m thinking this is the first time we’re seeing them together… Yes?  Mikey wants to make a family of mini-snowmen.  They’re in the midst of a deep conversation about family and love and stuff as Zak starts yodeling in the background.  Or singing.  Or something.  Whatever it is, it works and Mikey is left with his snowpeople.  Zak tells Des that he thought he was going to be a priest in college.  So he bought a one-way ticket to Germany to search his soul and see if that was the right choice.  He sat on these exact mountains and realized that that was not his life’s path.  It’s crazy that here he is again…. as a guy that can’t keep his clothes on.

So, now James is the new target because he’s got rose confidence.  Drew isn’t digging it and Brooks isn’t digging it.  In fact, Brooks is going to interrupt James & Des because he’s vulgar and cutting around the guys and shows a different side to Des.  Well, aren’t all guys different around their boys?  Oh sorry, Brooks isn’t interrupting.  He’s just lurking in the background. Take a seat, dude.  Thankfully for him, Des doesn’t see the creepy behavior and gives him the rose.

Melissa: Do you think the Bachelorettes get a say in where they go?  I mean if it were me, I don’t know that I’d wanting to be headed to cold ass mountains for my wooing.  I mean give me a beach and I’m a happy girl.  So being a yodeler is a legit job?  I mean I love him, but that’s a real thing?  Really, we’re going to equate love to sledding down a mountain?  Hey where are my stats people?  I need to know how many “love metaphors” we get in a season.

HA, do you really think the other guys left back at the hotel really want to be hanging out with each other?  Can’t they go out exploring?  You would think they could go out touring about town.  No, instead they just have to sit there staring at each other plotting the other’s demise.

I like the snowman date… it’s cute.  Well, was cute until it was hijacked by the would-be yodeling booze-carrying Zak.  Why do the guys want to snoop on each other and hang-out in doorways watching Des get her lip-lock on with someone else?  It’s just weird.


In case the date wasn't awkward enough...

In case the date wasn’t awkward enough…

Rachel:  Back at the house, Ben and Michael are contemplating their two-on-one date, which let’s be honest, sounds way more fun than it is.  Michael is convinced he was chosen by Des so he can expose Ben for the fraud he is.  Uh, let’s walk through that logic.  If she knows he’s a fraud, why does she need you to expose him?  Seems like the exposing has been done.  The only thing exposed here is your flawed thinking.  And he just referred to this date as armageddon.  Now, I have Def Leppard in my head.  Thanks for that.

The date starts with a cuppa coffee and awkwardness on a bench.  Michael throws out some German.  Ben talks about the geography.  But crafty Des has something up her sleeve to break the tension.  She says they’re going to jump in the freezing water a la Lake Minnetonka.  Of course both guys are willing to send their manhood turtling up to their throats in order to prove their love (and not be one-upped by the other guy).  They put their bathing suits on and just as they’re about to jump in, she tells them she’s just kidding.  I wonder if the producers get a bonus for every “Oh, Des” moment they craft?  Anywho, they’re going to be going out on the lake in a mobile hot tub.  That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen.  Des tries to ask questions but Michael is more interested in calling Ben out on his relationship with his son’s mom and his parenting skills.  Michael says that he had an absentee father and it sucked for him.  Ah, so we have daddy issues.  Michael has started a one-man sword fight.  Put your dick back in your pants and chill the fuck out.  You’re just making yourself look like an ass.  I actually don’t think Ben is that bad of a guy.  Sorry, kiddies, I don’t.

Back at the house, Drew & Kasey are telling Chris & Brooks that on the ride back from the group date last night they overheard a convo between James & Mikey.  James told Mikey that if he loses on the show, everyone will know who he his and that they will run Chicago.  They’ll be able to have any girl they want and he will have a great shot on being the next bachelor.  Now, they’re upset that there are more frauds on the show.  Um, if they lose on a freaking game show, why shouldn’t they get tail off of it?  I mean grow the hell up.  Sorry, but these guys are really working my nerves today.

Back at dinner with the two guys, Michael wants Ben to explain why he doesn’t get along with the other guys.  He says that he is here for Des and he’s not a guy that has a ton of friends.  Des is really uncomfortable with this and says she can handle the conversation.  She gets control for about half a minute and Ben tells her that he would like to go to church every Sunday with his family.  Here comes Michael again to let Des know that Ben didn’t go to church on Easter with the rest of the guys nor did he talk to his son on Easter.  Ben explains and then excuses himself before he lunges across the table.  I kinda wish he would.  Des tells Michael that he shouldn’t have done that, and just because you go to church, it doesn’t make you close to God.  Amen.  Sorry, I know I’m in the minority, but I feel badly for Ben.  Not everyone likes to share their deepest feelings with complete strangers.  That was uncool for Michael to behave that way.  I mean, there’s honesty and there’s straight douchebaggery.  And you, my friend, are a douchebag.  Des might let them both go.  I hope she definitely lets Michael go.  I mean that was all about him and not about Des.

Des leaves to go and check on Ben.  PS – loving her jacket.  He is upset because he’s never had his faith questioned.  He just needs to get his composure.  She trusts Ben’s intentions.  He feels strongly for her and wants to spend time with her.  Des now wants to hear from Michael why he needed to call Ben out so badly.  He apologizes, but (never apologize with a but) he wants her to see Ben for who he really is.  She just wants to know what’s going on.  Michael says Ben’s a one-upper and a know-it-all.  He doesn’t talk to them about his kid, but he does talk about his bar.  Michael says that he has real feelings for Des.

Time for the rose… She’s having a hard time deciding but she has to give the rose to the one she sees a future with and that is Michael.  And with that, Ben bails.  He doesn’t need Des to walk him out.  She does anyhow and he is polite, but you know he wants to kill someone.  And let’s cut to the boys in the house cheering when the suitcase gets taken.  You know it’s coming.  Yep, there it is.  Man, men can be so petty.  I don’t ever want to hear about how girls are the petty ones.  And Ben, did you need to be such a brat in the limo?  I know you’re mad, but you’re making me look bad for defending you.

Melissa:  I really hope Ben goes home… just saying.  I mean he worked the whole kid angle sure, but that’s about the extent of his charm.  Ah, so Ben is pulling the whole “exposure” thing for his career?  Oh yeah, Michael is about to lawyer the shit out of him… BAM, lawyered!  Fingers crossed he’s successful.

Oh Des, you jokester you… Making the boys think they are doing a polar bear plunge.  DRINK!  I am all about that hot tub boat.  Where do I get one of those?  I would totally go in our lake if I could tool around in a hot tub.  So I’ve been zoning out thinking about hot tubs and wasn’t at all paying attention to Michael’s little lawyer traps.

Hey now, what happened in the car?  Oh boy, someone isn’t there for the right reasons (DRINK), and it’s James who is ready to run Chicago with all the popularity of the show.  Please boys, this is not a news flash!!  If I’m going to be completely honest I’m thinking all of them are in it for their 15 minutes.

I’m glad to see they are at least eating on the triple date.  You all know how I feel about the whole sitting there and not eating.  At least Michael keeps going on the attack – I love it.  I mean it’s a bit passive aggressive adjacent, but I’ll take it since poor Ben now isn’t sure how to pedal himself back into the good graces.  I’d just be careful there Michael, we don’t want to lose you too.  Why is it though Des can’t recall the “bad girl” in the house that no one liked?  You know, the one all the season’s contestants tried to warn the Bachelor about?

HA, poor Ben doesn’t get his rose, Michael gets to enjoy his dinner and the boys get to have a little celebration.  At least Ben didn’t cry, just tried to get the driver to take him on a pub crawl.

Rose Ceremony

This IS the most shocking rose ceremony in Bachelorette history... or tonight.

This IS the most shocking rose ceremony in Bachelorette history… or tonight.

Rachel:  Oh we’ve come to the part of the show where Des has sit-down chats with Chris.  Snooze.  She would most want to kiss Brooks right now.  Well, if he didn’t make it to the final rose, whoever did is steaming right now.  Bryden leaving left her with concern.  And blah blah blah who cares.

The guys come to the castle for the cocktail party and James would like to speak with her first.  The guys aren’t having it since Drew is going to expose him for the fraud he is tonight.  But it doesn’t matter because Des doesn’t need a cocktail party, so really none of them are having it.  She & Chris tell them that she has already made her decision.  She appreciates them too much to put them through a cocktail party when she’s already made up her mind.  I’m saying it’s either Kasey or Mikey going home.

Has a rose:  Chris, Brooks & Michael

Gets a rose:  Zak, Kasey, Juan Pablo, Drew & James

Going:  Mikey.  Called it!

Already gone:  Bryden & Ben

Btw, anyone else find it interesting that the guy embroiled in drama is the last to get called every week?  But this isn’t at all being manipulated by the producers.  No.  Not at all.  I think Drew might cry that James got a rose.  These guys have to learn to just mind their own damn business.  Go work out or something.  Mikey thinks she missed out on a great guy and she’s going to regret it.  Oh Mikey, you weren’t ever making the final two, but thanks for playing.  I want someone to make a montage of every guy saying the great guy/mistake speech.

Next week Barcelona… Lurve me some Barcelona.  Sorry, Barthelona.

Melissa:  Oh that’s right… we have the anti-James crusade, you know, because he isn’t there for the right reasons (DRINK!).

DAMN, why send Mikey home?  That’s not cool.  I liked him.  I guess next week will be the coup to get rid of James.  Hey, you should recruit Michael since he was so successful booting Ben.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  From here on out, I’m just Team More Screen Time For Juan Pablo.

Melissa:  With all of that, I was hoping for a small Hoff sighting… I mean it was Germany after all.


4 responses to “The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 5: Bitte Bryden

  1. I just love the humor and commentary you two have it was laughing quite a bit and while I do disagree on Brooks I like chris as a front runner. I was surprised none of the guys tried to do any moves when sledding I mean Drew practically ran right into her he could have given her a squeeze or peck to make sure she was ok.

    I do commentary style blog about the bachelorette too come check me out

    • Thanks! Yeah, I think the guys were so out of control on those sleds that they were just happy to make it to the bottom without injury. But Des certainly got her kisses in anyway! ha ha! Good luck on your blog. Will read it for sure.

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