Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 3: It’s My Party and I’ll Fight if I Want To

One Sentence Summary:  The cake flies at Gia’s big day… and no, it’s not because of a flipped table.

Melissa’s Thoughts:

such a sweet child.

such a sweet child.

Yes, I’m frantically playing catch up after a business trip – sorry dear friends I’ve abandoned the Housewives for my day job… that and the only English speaking channel was cnn.  The upside of jet lag though is the quiet time at 5am to catch up on reality.  That’s where I am my friends… Falling asleep by the time the dinner dishes are done only to toss and turn in the wee hours of the morning until finally giving in to cozy up on the sofa surfing my precious reality television.  That being said I’m also doing this sans my lovely wine… which let’s face it, if the NJ ladies take a turn for the worse I could “Irish” up my coffee in a heartbeat.  It’s not bad to drink at 5am right?  Technically it falls into the “5 o’clock somewhere” thinking.

I Work Out

Really we need to watch Teresa working out?  We get it, you’re multi-faceted and you work hard for your “awesome body”.  OK, I shouldn’t be this way… At least we don’t have to see Juicy working out.  We can all be thankful for that.  So Teresa is stressed over Gia’s 12th birthday party “with boys”.  Ah, little Gia is growing up, first it’s the trainer bra, and now partying with boys… where does the time go?  Never fear, Teresa has a plan… to take Gia (when she’s old enough) to the doctor to make sure she’s still a virgin.  Aw Lawd woman, you’re insane.  Really, with her surly disposition I’m thinking she’s safe for a few years.  Teresa admits to her trainer Linda she sent an invite to her brother to come to the party for Gia’s sake and hopes he’ll make it.

Hyper what?

I've managed to figure out how to get away from Teresa... mmwahahaha!!

I’ve managed to figure out how to get away from Teresa… mmwahahaha!!

At Jacqueline’s house Nicholas is getting a new hyperbaric chamber bed to help with his treatment.  I’m a bit worried though she references Michael Jackson having one… that’s not really a ringing vote of confidence in this bed there Jac.  Anyway, Joe Gorga is there to help with the set up, and I need to stop right here.  I get they want to do everything they can for Nicholas but Sweet Mary Jac just climbed in there and got herself zipped up.  I adore my child, really I mean would give my own life for him, but I would be clawing my way out the second they started to close that zipper.  Joe muses how lucky he is to not have issues with his family and his arguing with Teresa is nonsense.

After leaving Nicholas in her chamber for a nap Caroline tells Jacqueline she met with Teresa and her expectations for an apology from Jacqueline to which she erupts into laughter at the absurdity of it all.  Caroline worries Jac doesn’t have any regrets over her “divorce” from Teresa.  Come on Caroline, just accept that Jac has moved on and doesn’t want to put up with Teresa’s shit for the sake of the show.  I can’t blame the girl.  I have to say I like this new “I don’t give a shit, I have bigger issues” Jacqueline.  Like a mojito on a hot day… So refreshing.

Daddy Dearest

I hate my family

I hate my family

Wait a minute, we have to have a Father / Daughter moment with Joe and Gia over ice cream??  Joe wants her to spend more time with her family and not as much with her friends.  Seems Milania told Gia she had a hairy grill – I have no clue what that means and apparently neither does Joe.  Since he can’t get himself out of the awkward on camera moment he tries another route he’s hoping is the safer option and ask about boys.  Yeah, because what boys would want to talk to his hairy grill daughter right?  NOPE, wrong you are Joey-boy.  Seems the boys DO like Miss Gia and they have even asked her out.  He tells her boys might start asking for things… like kissing (Sweet Mary this is conversation is making me twitch) and this and that.  Really Joe, “this and that”?  Sheesh, this is more uncomfortable than my own “talk” as a child.  He tells her not to give boys what they want.  Oh dear Lord, poor Gia (according to Teresa) needs to have the birds and bees talk from her dad because she walked in on her parents having sex… Rather, just “got done”.  OH MY GOD there are no words for me right now!  I am now 100% in Gia’s surly camp.  What that poor child must deal with boggles my mind.  I can’t imagine catching Joe and T post-coital.  I’m nauseated just thinking about it.

Setting The Plan In Motion

So Caroline is back making eyes at Joe under the guise of fixing things with he and Teresa.  She shares her lunch story that she was able to make progress with Teresa regarding Joe, but leaves out the pivotal point that Teresa expects him to say he’s sorry.  Yeah, that’s not cool Caroline.  You’re just setting the stage for another blow up.  Hang on.  Maybe that’s it… Drive a stake in their relationship and then swoop in for your own “sisterly love”.  HEY NOW!!  Chris suggests Joe should try to make things work so he can tell his father he’s trying.

Drive Me Crazy

Here we go… Little Joseph decided with Auntie Rosie as his co-pilot to take Rich’s Ferrari out for a spin in the rain.  Yeah, Rosie wants to be the fun Aunt so of course let’s take that Ferrari out.  It is a chick magnet after all.  Man, that’s some balls there sista.  I mean you know I love you, but that’s a bit of an overstep if you ask me.  Yeah Joseph you wouldn’t be allowed to have your license until you could legally drink if you pulled that stunt under my roof.  Rich laughs it off while Kathy is ready to flip out.  Yeah Rich I would totally Melissa McCarthy throat punch you right now if you were my hubs.  I think this will be the season Kathy flips and tries to cut her man.  I’m not saying she’s gonna Lorena Bobbitt him, just a little cut… To prove a point.  Don’t tell me she isn’t capable of it.  Maybe some cookies my have “special” powdered sugar on them one of these days.

Sickness In The Family

Teresa’s father got sick again and went to the hospital with pneumonia.  While talking to her mom she hears her brother was sick too.

At home, Joe Gorga is too sick to even hit on his wife and is banished to sleep on the sofa and Melissa decides to take Antonia to visit since Joe can’t go.

Joe being the ever-so-supportive husband tells Teresa one of these times her father isn’t going to come out of the hospital.  Thanks Joe, you’re a peach.  Teresa starts to cry while Joe tells her “that’s life”.  She realizes with all this sickness she has to heal things with her brother.

Joe tells Melissa how much he hates not talking to Teresa and tells her about Caroline’s attempts to talk to Teresa on his behalf and Melissa questions that Caroline doesn’t even like Teresa.  Yep, those wheels are starting to spin over this one… give it time.  She doesn’t understand why Caroline is having these conversations with Joe but she needs to back-off.  She tells Joe she got an invite to Gia’s party but Joe doesn’t want to go, he’s not ready for Teresa or Juicy Joe.  He wants to be the bigger man, but he also wants to hurt her because he’s hurting inside – well then my dear, that’s not necessarily being the bigger nam.  On a side note here friends, what’s up with the doilies on Melissa’s shoulders?  Why does she even think that’s a look worth attempting?  I get it’s casual time at home, but that’s just a bad decision right there.

Let’s Get Physical

Yeah, so now that song is going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the day.  It’s Melissa’s turn to work out and invites Kathy, who is loving the gym about as much as she loves Teresa.  After class the ladies dish over smoothies that Melissa wants to see her Father In Law, but everyone is sick and they don’t want to take their germs to the hospital.  Kathy isn’t buying it because she managed a whole class and still looks good – surely she couldn’t be sick.  I feel ya Kathy… I hate people who look like that after working out.  I  look like Nick Nolte’s ’02 mug shot when I’m done working out – true story friends.  Well, maybe if I didn’t do it once a quarter I would recover better… Who knows.

Breaker-Breaker That’s One Bad Hat

Oh here we go… Kim D is ready to support her girl Teresa for some airtime.  Teresa while trying to rock a bedazzled trucker hat (um, aren’t they over?) talks about the stress of her about her father being in ICU.

Jacqueline shows up at Get Fit to tell the ladies she was almost hit by a car and had a panic attack because she doesn’t like to drive on a highway when she doesn’t know where she’s going.  Melissa thinks Jac is developing a lot of new disorders but needs to find her inner Jersey Girl and toughen up.  The crew spies Linda who is Teresa’s new recruit for the dark side.  Like a proper minion Linda calls Teresa to tell her the ladies are there.  The ladies mock Jac not being in the gym for 8 months (hey now, people keep track??  Shit.).  Man that Linda is harsh.  You need to take it down girlfriend, don’t start trowing stones with that mannish jawline of yours.  Besides, I don’t trust people who workout with full face makeup and eyelashes.  Teresa doesn’t understand why Jac would want to go to “her” gym and thinks she has motives and no one knows the real Jacqueline.

Pork… The Other White Meat

Caroline and Christopher arrive home to Fran’s pig wandering the driveway – she’s pig-sitting apparently.  I’m just not sure how one decides to just bring a pig over to the house they are a guest in.  Seriously Auntie Fran, that’s not cool.  Caroline thinks she’ll stay in Hoboken to hopefully keep Albert from finding out about the pig.  Anyway, she’s home to pick up some things while Fran’s dog pees on the floor.  Hang on, how is that acceptable??  No, I’m serious.  Who just let’s their dog pee at other people’s homes?

Getting The Hair Done Did

I really hate my family.

I really hate my family.

So Teresa takes the girls are off to the salon to get prettied up for Gia’s birthday and Milania tells her she will not part her hair in the middle because (with her index finger waving) it’s her decision and zip it and be quiet.  Oh man, that child would be dragged out of that chair by that very hair on her head if that were my daughter.  I can’t believe how disrespectful those children are!!  Teresa asks Gia if she’s talked to her Uncle and she tells her he’s not coming.  Unfortunately Teresa doesn’t recognize it actually hurts her daughter’s feelings her uncle isn’t coming so she keeps asking about it.  Nice Teresa.  She thinks he’s avoiding seeing her and Joe – um, yes he is.  Wow, with insight like that I don’t know how Mensa isn’t chasing after you.

Pre-Party Pep Talk

At Melissa’s her son calls her a poopy-head while getting ready for the party.  OK, so I don’t know which is worse, Joe’s lecherous spouting or his referencing his anal seepage.  Sorry friends, I didn’t mean to give you that picture… it just happened and I can’t take it back.  He’s still not going to go to the party, and Melissa sees through his charade.  He reminds Melissa if someone starts to give her lip she needs to give it right back.  She of course never knows what to expect from Teresa.

Battle Zone

I hate my family so much it makes my head hurt!

I hate my family so much it makes my head hurt!

Everyone rolls into Battle Zone (aptly named I’m thinking) for Gia’s party and is it just me or does her cake look like a psychedelic vagina?  Teresa introduces herself to Gia’s BFFL (Best Friend For Life) while all Gia wants to die inside or claw at Teresa until she goes away.

Family Break-down

Victoria and Joseph are headed to the hospital to see Teresa’s father while Rich and Kathy stay behind.  Kathy wanted to clear the air, but he didn’t want to hear it.  She thinks the coward comment was out of line and she’s apologized but she’s still not sure she should visit him.  Rich channeling his inner normal person tells her she should go see her uncle in case something should happen.

Party Time

Maybe she wouldn't be such a pot-stirring bitch if she just ate a sandwich.

Maybe she wouldn’t be such a pot-stirring bitch if she just ate a sandwich.

On her way to the party Melissa gets a call from Jac who asks if she thinks it will be awkward going there.  Um, yeah it will be.  Jacqueline tells her if it gets really bad she can call her.

Teresa heads to the adult room as Kim D then Melissa arrive.  Teresa dishes to her besties how long it took Melissa to visit her father in the hospital.  Naturally they all tisk at such behavior.  Teresa wonders if Melissa knows ICU means Intensive Care Unit.  Well now dear, I’m shocked you do!!  After calling her a bitch, Kim D turns and says hello and proceeds to chat up Melissa.  I seriously have no idea how someone can be so fake.  She of course brings up the gym and why hasn’t Melissa gone to see her FIL in the hospital.  Man she’s all up in her business.  Teresa overhears Melissa saying she was at the hospital so she needs to confront her about not going but tells Melissa she’s not interrogizing her.  Yes, I do love these Bravo producers who will subtitle Teresa so I don’t have to figure out how to spell some of her vocabulary.  Melissa insists she went to the hospital but Teresa keeps going at her because if it was anything else other than her father she would let it go.  When Melissa sees she’s worn out her welcome she tries to make her thanks and round up her children while Teresa insists she should stay for cake.  Poor Gia comes to find her parents to cut her cake and stumbles in on the argument.  Yeah, that’s exactly what you want at your birthday party.

Gia blows out the candles on her crazy cake while Teresa tells Joe what happened between her and Melissa and that it would have been nice of her brother to come.  Melissa can’t seem to get out fast enough while Teresa laughs as the kids shove cake into Gia’s face.

Bottom Line:

Here’s the thing… Why do these ladies keep rehashing all their shit.  It’s getting as old as Kim D.


One response to “Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 3: It’s My Party and I’ll Fight if I Want To

  1. Oh Moo Shu, finally there is one filthy pig on the show I could actually give a shit about! At least this pig has character, worth, and charm. As for the others, of course they have to rehash everything; they are insignificant people with insignificant dramas and insignificant lives. What else do they have to do? Unlike Moo Shu, they offer nothing to this world.

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