One Sentence Summary: There’s a surprise visit from a not-so-ex-girlfriend, a premature dropping of the L-Bomb and lots of tears.
Rachel: I would have liked to start my post this week by talking about who I think is the cad with a not-so-ex-girlfriend paying the house a visit this week. However, abc thought it would be better to put it in the previews and remove all mystery. Why abc? Why? This season isn’t exactly filled with the most charismatic men in Bachelorette history, and if your ratings are any indication, Des isn’t bringing in the viewers with her quirky cuteness either. So, why on earth would you ruin the only potential moment of real drama this week? I feel pretty safe saying that you’re not going to be bringing us anything else that will make us, at the very minimum, raise an eyebrow. Ben will piss the guys off. Brandon is going to cry. Zak will be shirtless at some point. And Des will sketch a dream wedding dress. Week 3 and we already have it worked out. Throw us a bone why don’t you?
Melissa: Totally agree with Rachel. I’m already tired. This week we have dodgeball, a girlfriend and Kate Earl (whom I don’t know, but whatev). I know Des is America’s Funny Girl… but it’s more schtick than I’m really ready for right now. Fine, truth be told, maybe I’m a little cranky because after a weekend with the other Winey Bitch, I need to detox and I’m not looking forward to a night of Des sans the sauce. OK, let’s bring it and see if I can make it to the end without shakily grabbing for the open bottle of Pinot Noir in the kitchen.
First First Date
Rachel: Chris stops by the house to let the guys know that there is only one one-on-one date and two group dates this week. The first group date goes to: Chris, Brian, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zack K, Ben. Today’s adventure… Dodgeball. Cool. Dodgeball with agro sexually frustrated men. Amazing. I’m waiting for one to take it to the nuts. That’ll get you some sympathy from Des.
Here comes Chris Harrison with some news, I hope. Imma be pissed if he’s here just to ‘splain shit again. Ah, seems the guys will be playing each other. There will be a “winner takes all” match between two teams of the dudes. I wonder if the boys that lose will cry too. Well, we know Brandon will. OK, Red Team – Mikey, Michael, Brooks, Brandon, & Chris. Blue Team – Ben, Drew, Brad, Zack, & Brian.
As if just being on this show weren’t embarrassing enough for their manhood, they’re playing this game in tiny shorts. Man, the producers are sadists… and I like that about them. The blue team looks like an Abercrombie ad – all the pretty boys. Michael says that the crowd is so loud that he can’t hear the whiz of the balls flying by his face. Yeah, that will be later back in the house. In the end it’s Chris vs Drew with Drew taking the crown. Honestly, I think Brandon might cry. Oh, it’s best of 3 so there’s a chance still. Red Team takes Round 2 with Brandon taking the winning shot. No tears yet. Brooks gets a ball to the hand and ends up with a broken finger, which gets him some one-on-one time with Des. Well played, sir. Oh, he even managed some blood. Even more concern & sympathy! Big tip o’ the hat. Is Drew really comparing this last round to Game 7 of the World Series? No sir. No. It is not even remotely on the same level. Game 7 of the Little League World Series is a bigger deal than this. In the end, Zack K wins it for blue. But before the red team can board the bus back home, Des says that she’s taking everyone to the cocktail party! Oh that crazy kid, Des. DRINK!
Melissa: I’m curious as to how much Chris Harrison actually makes being on this show. I’ve got to think he has his lines cold… I mean after 10 seasons I could be half asleep and drunk and be able to explain what it means to get a rose and not, and let’s not forget the now infamous… “Everyone, last rose”. I mean does he practice into a mirror to try to change up the delivery? I digress, WTF is with the headband Brandon?? Way to snap me back into reality! So the boys are playing dodgeball and I can’t want to see these twits get their asses handed to them – especially by that hottie with the shaved head… I’ll dodge your ball. Wait, that didn’t even sound as remotely as innuendo laced as I was hoping. Anywho, bye-bye dodgeball hottie, I’m stuck with the Bachelors.
Oh yeah, I’m LOVING the tube socks!! I also LOVE the Thunderdome style cage to fight… I mean dodgeball game. Side note… Michael G is growing on me. Maybe it’s the hair. I mean he clearly knows a little something about product for a coif like that, and that means he would appreciate my product love. So of course there’s an injury on the court and I guess Brooks’s locks got in his face and he didn’t see the ball coming or the foot or whatever he was hit with so hard he needs to have his finger reset.
Rachel: We return for the cocktail party, but first have to check in on Brooks who is actually in the hospital on oxygen. Ok, really? On oxygen for a broken finger? Seems he passed out when they realigned his finger. LOL. Yeah, Brooks isn’t winning the macho man award. Mikey would have realigned his own finger and continued playing.
Back at the party, Des is worried about him but toasts to Brooks “taking a finger”. Exactly where did he take that finger? But Des isn’t worried enough to not have a good time. And the first good time is with Brad, who has some things to tell her. More drama… What is it with these guys? So what now? He used to be a woman? He’s got herpes? No, he has a son. Why the drama? Why? Kids are not that big of a deal. Ben brought the kid with him. But Brad is cute so he gets a little pass. Oh so there is some actual drama… He raises the kid himself because mommy likes the booze. And one time she got drunk, stole his keys and he was arrested on domestic violence. Whoa. But the charges dismissed, so it’s ok for him to be there. She should know though, that if she weren’t the bachelorette, he wouldn’t have come. Doubtful.
Boys are jockeying but Chris still hasn’t managed to get any time. So, get in there boy. Stop whining and start shining. Oh yeah, this is my new rally cry. Chris does finally get in there and brings her to the helipad. Nice move, dude. He had a great day and has overcome his skepticism all because of Des and her demeanor. Please. She saw him smiling at her and it’s the small things that mean the most. Well, sure but just don’t say that in the bedroom. Chris feels a connection and thinks he might get the rose. With that, Brooks comes back and we all know splint trumps sweet and he’s getting the rose. But first he gets a whole lot of sympathy lip.
Wait, what? Well color me surprised, Chris actually got the rose. OK Des, I have to give you some credit here. Along with the rose, he gets some quality time with Des at a Kate Earl concert. It’s gotten that bad, Kate? There’s some slow dancing and kissing. How does Brooks taste, Chris? This is all happening with Brandon lurking in the background jealous and sad. A dark horse moves out of the shadows and a stalker hides in them.
Melissa: Damn Brooks, I almost feel bad about mocking you. I mean passing out in the ER is not funny. Well, on a teeny tiny level it might be a little funny. He’s such a sissy-la-la that he passed out getting his finger reset. I can mock… I broke my wrist and managed not to pass out. Granted I was on every happy med that the ER offered to me, but there was no passing out – just lots of cursing.
So Brad has a haunting past he needs to get off his chest? (eye roll) Aw, we have another Daddy on the show who left his boy behind to find a Mama for him. Oh shit, way to throw in a domestic violence loop on me!! Didn’t see that one coming at all.
So Chris is sitting there whining about not getting time with Des like he wants so he “finds” a secret spot called the rooftop. Way to go Magellan, no one knew that would be up those stairs. A roof? Up there? Are you kidding me? Yeah, of course Brooks shows up with his jacked up finger. Hmmm, he’s recovered enough to make it to date night after passing out and feeling woozy in the hospital? But wait, it doesn’t earn him a rose. Chris scores the rose for his amazing discovery of a rooftop… on the roof.
Not So Ex-Girlfriend
Rachel: Kasey gets the next date card. And Des sketches another dress. But unfortunately for Kasey, this date has been interrupted to bring you the following drama…
Chris calls Des and lets her know that he has some “bizarre” news about one of the guys. Love that Chris talks like an announcer at all times. I also love that this news is considered bizarre. I’m pretty sure a guy being a cheat doesn’t really register on the bizarre list, but go on. We are hearing this from the guy that thinks drama means you care. So, off Des goes with her guns loaded. She says this is not a game. Um, actually I’m pretty sure it is a game.
She takes Brian outside and is about to get read. She wants to know if he’s sincere. He says yes. She says she’s worried and just checking. He says his last relationship was over a long time ago as that past relationship comes walking in the door. In walks Stephanie… What happened to her nose? The guys start swarming to see what’s going down as Stephanie tells him that he said they are not broken up. He just needed time. Oh damn, she has a son. Chris wants to know why he didn’t tell her he was going on this show. He says she’s crazy. They were not together before he left. Period. Wait, so why is she telling the truth? He did sleep with her two nights before he came out there. Chris wants to know if there is any chance he’s staying. Des says no. Chris sends him packing. I gotta say I don’t really buy her story 100%. There weren’t even any actual real tears when she was crying. Now, the dudes of course are all so pissed. Chris & Des address the group and ask that they tell her now if they’re hiding anything. Like someone’s going to jump up and be like, well since you’re asking… The guys talk about it and it makes Brandon cry because Brian left a single mom behind and he was left behind by men. Look, I know that’s serious but dude get it together.
Melissa: Designs by Des I can see it now – hopefully it’s better than She by Shereé. Um, those pants aren’t a great selection, I keep thinking she’s nekkid. Oh boy, the ominous ringing of the phone – THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!! Oh sorry, wrong story. So who is it… who has the lady back home? Really, Brian of the distracting forehead? Man she’s laying a trap for him to just get snapped right up. Wruh-roh!! I love these guys um, just because you have a girl friend doesn’t mean you can’t go on a dating show. Especially if you’re looking for a little 15 minutes of fame Mr. Warhol promised back in the day. I should have seen it coming… no guy likes the Notebook… We’re all suckers! Here’s a question my friends. How did the girlfriend know he was on this show? I seriously find it funny that people think people go on this show to find their true love. Come on Chris… YOU of all people should know the caliber of folks this show attracts. Then she just rides back off in her limo? That was just so bizarre. Well at least no one else in the house has a hidden agenda and are there for the right reasons (drink). Um, anyone else thinking Brandon is slipping over the edge (doesn’t want anyone to leave him any more)? Oh, this won’t end well.
Rachel: Finally, Kasey gets to go on his date. His awkward awkward date. They go to Sunset Blvd and see a guy and a girl doing acrobatic dancing on the side of a hotel. Yes, hanging from ropes and dancing on the windows. Who decides these things are good ideas? Anyway, this is what they will be doing today. You know, because this is how you prove love. And Kasey will do it for Des. Shocking. How are those windows not breaking? And what if you’re just trying to get your nap on in one of those rooms? Kasey & Des flop around for a few minutes and then call it a day. I can tell you there was exactly zero chemistry on that date.
Time to see if dinner goes any better. Not so much being that the wind is about to blow them off the roof. Hey, how about you go inside? No, they decide to get in the pool instead. That makes sense. The pool is freezing and somehow that means they should put towels on their heads & kiss. Yes, they’re kissing and no there is still no chemistry. Have I mentioned this is an awkward date? And with that they go inside. And sit on the stairs. In robes. But since Kasey is a great guy and it’s not his fault Brian made a mess of the day, he gets the rose. Yeah, I think it might not be Brian. But at least he was too preoccupied with impressing Des that he managed to not drop a hashtag all night.
Melissa: Kasey gets the date card – good for him. I’m so distracted by Des’s nekkid pants. Why didn’t wardrobe stop her from wearing flesh-colored jeans? Anyway, it’s the usual Bachelor(ette) death defying proving of love. At least Kasey is all in for the date – you know to prove himself. Really, if it were me, proving themselves would definitely involve something a little less life threatening: holding my purse while I try on clothes (and telling me I look fantastic no matter what), pouring my wine, dropping me off for a mani/pedi, bringing me cupcakes, getting rid of the spiders and snakes… You know, the things that REALLY prove love and loyalty (especially the wine and cupcakes). Aw, poor Kasey and the bad date but at least he gets the rose. One would hope – that was a nightmare of a day.
Rachel: Next date card arrives… Dan, James, Juan Pablo, Bryden, and Zak W are on deck. The guys head out and a stagecoach is waiting for them. They arrive on and Old West set and watch Des gets into a fight with a cowboy on a balcony. They will be learning stunts today from the stunt team for The Lone Ranger movie. Guess we’ll be seeing a movie trailer on the next break. Whoever does the best with the stunts they learn gets extra time with Des. Cue movie footage. And cue guys in more costumes. This time they’re dressed up as cowboys. Man, they really are trying to shred every last bit of dignity these guys have left.
They learn how to lasso, quick draw a pistol and how to fake fight for justice. All skills that will come in handy in the real world. After their lessons, it’s time to put their new skills to use. Des will pick the “winner” who will get the extra time… but, again, this is not a game. At all. During his routine, Dan rips his pants. Zak hams it up. And Juan Pablo does his routine in Spanish. She had better pick him. The public demands more time with Juan Pablo. She listens and he gets the ranger badge. Off they go to watch The Lone Ranger and feed each other popcorn. Des leans in for the kiss before Juan Pablo was even in the room. Not that I blame her. I was leaning in over here.
Melissa: Another group date! Ah right… Lone Rangers. Naturally it’s a plug for The Lone Ranger movie. Well now, I’m not gonna hate a man in his cowboy britches. Yeah, not a huge fan of James’s performance. Bryden however was quite something to see. Aw, I do love Bryden, he’s so stinking cute! I’m saying… next Bachelor! No, I’m sorry… Juan Pablo!! Hey now, if I had a theater all to ourselves, we wouldn’t necessarily be watching the movie. Yes my dear, he does have a sensual vibe. Have you not seen or heard him?? Again, he could read me the cereal box and I’d be all in.
Rachel: Cocktail party time! This time there’s a straw floor and a campfire. If I were the Bachelorette, there would be s’mores too… with Dove chocolate… Granted, I’d be the only Bachelorette that actually ate in the first place.
Bryden gets some time and he is way cuter with his hair brushed to the side. Thumbs up, dude. Next up for hair rehab, Brooks. Des gets the kiss going here too. That would be 5 on the night, thus far. Next, Zak W rocks on over for some time. He is on full flattery mode. Oh Des is so fun and positive and loveable… He tried to kiss her today but she got confused. Um, from the amount of lip action going on tonight, I have a feeling kissing is the one thing that doesn’t confuse our bachelorette. There was no kiss on-screen with Zak but I’m thinking there was a sixth set of lips on Des. James swoops in with his drama story of the night… His dad is not well so he wants to know if there is something between them so he’s not wasting his time. This makes Des melt and she wishes he were more confident… so he gets the rose. These dudes can work a story. But Zak is bummed he didn’t get the rose. Nope, James gets the free pass for more time and accepts her rose if she accepts his daisy. And that’s not a euphemism. He actually gave her a daisy. And this cute gesture gets him some make-out time. Man she isn’t afraid to swap some spit. That’s what, 7 or 8 tonight?
Melissa: So on Week 3 we have “love drunk”? Jumping the gun a bit aren’t we boys? James’s father has cancer?? Damn, that sucks he’s there with that going on back home. I will say though, I think Juan Pablo’s kiss looked to be the best of the night.
Rachel: Chris shows up at the house to let the guys know that Des wants to have a pool party this afternoon, in lieu of a cocktail party tonight. That means tonight we go right into the rose ceremony. As Des pulls up, Ben grabs some time alone with her and they go for a ride. He tells her he wants to make sure he’s not in the “dad zone”. Des is so buying what he’s selling and makes out with him right in front of the house. The guys see them and are mad again. GUYS, don’t be mad because he’s playing you like fiddles. It’s not his fault you’re polite little boys. Girls like the rude boys. Don’t you know this by now?
Now let’s get in the pool. Chris asks if she’ll be his his girlfirend or is it too cheesey on pizza box. James says he’s not going to take alone time because he has a rose. He asks Ben if he’s going to get time and he says yes. He didn’t say he already had it which makes him a liar, so now Mikey is mad again. Dude, back off the anger parade. Besides, you’re not mad that he lied. You’re mad b/c he’s playing the game better than you are. He pulls Ben aside and Ben says he doesn’t kiss and tell. It’s his private time and it’s not up to them. Michael and Mikey don’t trust him and can’t be his friend. He doesn’t care, dudes. At all. And what is it with these two? No one else is making a scene of it every week.
While the M&M show flexes its muscles and makes idle threats, Brandon tells Des how much the Brian thing affected him. He has been abandoned by men in his life and it kills him to think of the little boy Brian left behind. And as if this isn’t already a little much on the emotional scales, he tell her that he thinks about her all day long and is falling in love with her. He goes in for the kiss but this time our bachelorette isn’t feeling it. He doesn’t notice so it’s awkward for everyone but Brandon. Yeah, you might need to take it down from Level 5 Clinger, friend. He might be going home tonight.
Melissa: Already canceling the cocktail party in Week 3? Yeah, Ben is the total slim shady and I don’t care for it. I also don’t like the playing up being a Dad – which I totally get until you start leveraging your kid for points. So now there’s going to be another “calling out” of Ben for lying to the guys? Sweet Mary, boys, you need to get a grip. He’s gaming it. Maybe you need to step up a bit.
Oh boy… Brandon, laying it all out there and then jumping on her face like that isn’t your smoothest move. I kept seeing Genie from Aladdin “pull up, pull up”. Yeah, I quoted Disney. No seriously, there’s sharing but there’s also the need to hold back a little. You know, hide your bunny boiling side. You may want to hold back the L-bombs until week 5 too, OK?
Rachel: Time for the rose ceremony and Brandon is feeling super confident. Hmmm, you might want to look into therapy there friend. That’s not confidence. That’s crazy. So let’s see who else is getting sent home because I’m sure Des can smell the sour smell of desperation even standing next to all those roses.
Has a rose: Kasey, Chris, James
Gets a rose: Bryden, Juan Pablo, Zak W, Brooks, Drew, Zack N, Brad, Michael, Mikey, Ben
Going Home: Brandon & Dan
Brandon is blown away. He doesn’t understand and he tells her as he goes to say goodbye. She tells him he’s a great person, but not for her. He thinks it’s a giant mistake. Big mistake. Huge. OK, he said “giant” but I prefer the Julia Roberts version. Guilt gets the better of her and she chases him out to explain. There just isn’t the chemistry there and she just knows so better to tell him now and not later. She’s sorry and he’s so disappointed… and totally in love. Someone call Dr. Drew stat for this kid. I do kinda want to hug him. He’s such a mess.
Melissa: Oh yeah, Bryden and Juan Pablo are safe this week. I don’t care about the rest now – well until Ben got the final rose. Brandon is going to lose his shit!! He’s totally going to start stalking the house. High-five to Dan’s exit, no need for tears. Are you kidding me Brandon, you’re in love after 3 weeks?? Sweetie, you need to pull back and how.
Rachel: I have to say that I’m glad that Dan went home; only because I can’t tell him & Chris apart so this makes it so much easier on me. And it is about me, right?
Melissa: I don’t mean to be all Conspiracy Theory Jerry Fletcher here, but does anyone else thinking the girlfriend situation was a bit of a plant for the drama? What, just putting it out there.