One Sentence Summary: The tug-o-war over Tamra’s BFF-ness continues South of The Border.
Rachel: Oh boy, I am scared to watch tonight’s episode. Not only do we have our usual parade of bad behavior, but we’re mixing in tequila, strippers and penis-shaped party favors. I’m pretty sure that is the recipe for a disaster. A blinding, mind-numbing disaster. Throw in some Gretchen whining and Vicki woohoo-ing and I’m not sure there’s enough wine in the world to make this tolerable. Not to mention that I’m on the wagon for the next two weeks. Yeah, that’s right. Even a Winey Bitch needs a break every now and again. In this case, I’m preparing myself for a weekend in Key West where the four basic food groups are: liquor, beer, wine and late-night pizza. But I may just need a little nip from the bottle tonight. Just a small one…
Rachel: We rejoin the trio partying down the road, wondering where Heather & Gretchen are. Um, in the limo wondering where you are. But that question is quickly forgotten as they enter Andale’s and jump up on the bar for some Coyote Ugly dancing. Now we play the compare/contrast game as we go back & forth from the limo (boring) to the bar (woohoo!). Gretchen thinks this would be a great time to tell Heather about Vicki’s infidelity. Heather wants to know why Gretchen would tell her this stuff? To punish Vicki? That would be a yes. Clearly. Heather doesn’t care to hear it. She is starting to make a comeback on my list since she’s removed part of the “Terry Sucks” stick from her ass. They finally get tired of waiting for the girls, leave the car and take a taxi home. You know, because who knows how late taxis run in Mexico. Uh, that would be all night and I’m pretty sure the camera & production crew have a van. Geniuses. But seriously, again, just go to Andele’s. You know they’re there. Or outside, dancing in the streets and on taxicabs as it were. But no, you can’t do that when you can go to the hotel and stew all night.
In the car, on the way back to the hotel, Vicki wonders who’s getting the blame for leaving Heather & Gretchen. The girls tell her that she is. She doesn’t like that plan because she always gets the blame. Well, here’s the thing, Vic. This is actually your fault. But they’re sure the girls wanted to come home anyway so maybe they won’t be mad. Ha, yeah. That seems reasonable.
They get back to the hotel and sneak into the suite only to knock on Heather’s door and wake her up. Why the sneaking then? Heather lets them know that it wasn’t cool to just leave them. And it wasn’t. Enter Gretchen who tells Vicki that it’s not funny. Vicki says she’s just laughing because Tamra danced on a car & they’re wearing silly bows. Probably not going to help. This sets Gretchen off on a “you don’t care about me” rant. A bit much, no? Heather calmly explains why they’re upset, which gets through to them AND gets her an actual apology. But Vicki is reveling in the fact that Gretchen is upset and that she was the one that had fun with Tamra. Oh, so mature. And while Vicki might be emotionally immature, seems her bladder didn’t get the note and adult onset incontinence is upon us… Actually it’s upon Tamra’s bed. Yes, Vicki left a little pee behind on her way out the door. Awesome.
Morning shines down on our lovely ladies and it’s time to tour the city. Just what everyone wants to do on a bachelorette party! But Tamra is ready to do whatever Gretchen wants so as to not rock the boat any further. Or make her hangover any worse. Been there. Vicki shows up late naturally. Gretchen makes a snarky comment. Vicki ignores her and walks out the door. I guess Vicki didn’t get the “tiptoe gently” memo.
Champagne is poured in the limo and the tour begins. BTW, is there a worse vehicle to be in to sightsee? Everyone is having a… time. It’s pleasant enough. No drama. Which makes it the perfect moment for Lydia to bring up last night. Woman, stop stirring the pot. You got away with the Alexis BS. Don’t push your luck here. Heather says she is hurt but willing to let it go in the spirit of having a good weekend. Gretchen concurs. Whew, dodged a hysteria bullet. Now, please get back to the champagne before someone says something stupid.
Their first stop is the local bullring to see a bullfight (no killing). They name the bull Navarro after Eddie’s original last name. The matador puts on a great show and the ladies leave happy. Yes, just don’t come back when the real bullfight actually goes down and Navarro meets a very different ending.
Back in the limo, Lydia isn’t impressed with the bullfight so she decides to say that last night was the real fun and totally made the trip. Come on! Isn’t there a Sunday School class that taught you the glory of the STFU way of life? Heather & Gretchen aren’t thrilled with the diss and so opens the wound… wide. Tamra tries to justify it by say Lydia has two small kids. Say what? Heather has 4 and that’s completely irrelevant to anything. Vicki says they got caught in the moment and she’s sorry. Stop the car! Vicki apologized! This should just shut it all down. But… alas… it does not. Gretchen is now in tears and somehow turns on Vicki for being a hypocrite. Um, she just apologized. Yell at the dipshit, Lydia. What a mess. And the poor tour guide has to sit there listening to all this nonsense without even being offered his own glass of champagne to numb the pain. He’s the one that has a real beef.
My BFF Not Yours
The ladies gather ’round the pool for some afternoon cocktails and goodie bags. Gretchen made custom bags for each girl and this is her way of turning the weekend around. That was nice and I’m not sure why Vicki is annoyed Gretchen put her own products in there. A gift is a gift. Shut it.
Tamra goes for a walk and Gretchen offers to go with her. This prompts Vicki to make a stupid comment about them being BFFs. Sweet Baby Cheeses, are you kidding me?!?! Grow the eff up, Vicki! Stop! Tamra’s had enough too and says she just wants everyone to be friends. Gretchen just wants to understand what Vicki’s deep issue with her is. Vicki spews some idiotic bullshit. Anger explosion and off goes Gretchen. Tamra follows, tries to calm Gretchen & they have an actual deep conversation which includes tears. I might cry too because real emotion from these women freaks me out. They’re such fembots. Of course, Vicki is annoyed that they’re off talking and Lydia thinks she shouldn’t take things so personally. Welcome to Vicki, Lydia. The whole world revolves around her so everything is personal.
Something To Talk About
Oh right, Alexis. I forgot. She & Jim go out for dinner. Exciting. She says she is ok not being at the bachelorette party because she has a good marriage. See, that means you don’t need much of anything else. Like friends? And she is so uninterested in the party that she tells Jim all about what Lydia said was going to go down. Like strippers. Alexis told Lydia not to go because of the strippers, but she went anyhow because she was scared. Yes, she was petrified last night dancing on the bar. Someone wanna run some tape for Alexis? But Jim doesn’t care about these women and doesn’t want to hear about it anymore. Imagine how we feel.
So, let’s talk about their new house that Alexis has decided they’re going to outgrow. Apparently, 6,000 square feet isn’t big enough for 4 kids. Granted they only have 3 and Jim isn’t trying to have a fourth. That won’t deter Alexis though. She wants a fourth before she’s 40 and her eggs are “shriveled and dried up.” Somewhere out there, there is a 40+ year old that wants to smack her. And that out there is right here.
Junk, Mexican Style
It’s yet another attempt at having a good time in Mexico. Tonight we’re starting in a hotel room decorated with penis paraphernalia. Vicki tells us she wasn’t aware that this is how we still behave at bachelorette parties. Yah, pretty sure that was you deep throating a penis lolly in the limo less than 48 hours ago. But get your digs in while you can.
During dinner, we do shots and open presents. Well, Vicki does shots. Heather gives Tamra a blinged-out whip, hand sanitizer, exam gloves and an EPT test. Hilarious. Vicki’s gift is a GIANT dildo. Brianna apparently picked this out to put in Eddie’s ass. How exciting for Eddie. And as things devolve into the seriously raunchy, Lydia steps out to “call her husband”, which is code for “My virgin eyes can’t see strippers.” And with that…. strippers. These are the hottest strippers in Puerto Vallarta? Note to self: No bachelorette parties in Puerto Vallarta. Yeah, this whole routine… not sexy. I’ll just leave it at that.
The morning after and the girls are getting moving at 11:30am. There are smiles and laughs and mimosas. Mexico was a success. Ish. Now if only Tamra could get Eddie to set a date.
Rachel: Looks like Vicki & Gretchen are about to have a new fighter for Tamra’s attention enter the ring next week. Who ever would have thought it would be Alexis. So will this make Gretchen & Vicki the new BFFs?