One Sentence Summary: It’s bachelorette party time, but not everyone is whooping it up.
Rachel: Yep, I fully blew off last week. I watched it. I think. No, I did. I just never managed to put my thoughts on paper… or Internet as the case may be. I can’t say why other than I’m already bored of these ladies. They need a cast shake-up. The most interesting thing about Lydia is her mom… whom I love, but I’m not feeling a great surge of excitement with her addition. And I expected more from the return of Lauri. But she was a big flatline too. Maybe this week, when she gives Gretchen the 411 on Vicki’s past dalliances with partners of the female persuasion, we’ll get some juice from these dried-up oranges. I’d rather have Jeanna back, personally. She’s a guaranteed good time. OK, let’s see what these ladies have for us this week. Maybe this foreshadowing of a kinder, gentler Tamra will come true. HA HA HA HA… yeah, I just heard that in my head.
An Offer You Can’t Refuse
Rachel: So here’s a random thought: I never cut up cheese for my guests. I serve the block uncut. I just think it’s nicer for someone to cut the piece they want. Is there an etiquette rule on that? Well, I’m sure Tamra knows the carb count for each piece of cheese that gets slathered with that jam she’s serving along side. But that’s not why we’re here. Wait, why are we here?
Well, Lydia has stopped by and is fascinated by Tamra’s dark wood floors and her pink lemonade. Don’t get out much, eh Lydia? Ah, it’s catch-up time to talk Heather’s acting job and… Alexis. Tamra thinks everyone gets along so much better when she’s not there. Well, maybe it’s more that everyone gets along so much better when you’re not screaming. Pretty sure she wasn’t in Malibu two weeks ago. Lydia tells Tamra that she hung out with Alexis and it’s sad that she isn’t part of the group anymore. Lydia thinks it’s so ugly and Tamra is the one to fix it. Have you been hitting mom’s pot? They should just sit down and talk because they don’t even know why they’re mad anymore. Shockingly, Tamra sees a younger her in Alexis. She should have more compassion because something is clearly wrong. And since she’s trying to be a better person, she thinks it’s something she should do. So yes, she’ll have a discussion with Alexis. Color me bewildered. Man, Bravo, why are you trying so hard to keep Alexis on this show?
To Strip Or Not To Strip
Gretchen & Heather are planning Tamra’s bachelorette party. Wait, did Eddie set a date or are we just wishful bachelorette-ing? They are not telling Tamra where they are taking her. Instead, she’ll have to pack a two suitcases – one cold weather and one warm wether – and be surprised. Cute idea. Granted, I’d be like if there isn’t a bathing suit involved, I ain’t going. I’ve not quite grasped the love of a vacation in the cold. Not my thang… For those out there wanting to plan a surprise for me. Just putting it out there.
Since they are going to Mexico, they thought it would be fun to design a custom bathing suit for her. OK, that’s fun too. They also have to figure out what their plans down there are going to be. Heather has ideas that Gretchen isn’t taken with because why would Tamra want to go to an art gallery? Gretchen is more on the stripper agenda. Um, can’t you have a stripper at the art gallery? No, I know. Of course you can’t. Baby oil and watercolors do not mix. Heather volleys back with a spa day. Gretchen says, “How about a stripper?” Uh, Slade not doing the do these days, Gretch? Looking for some jollies outside the house?
Picking a bathing suit does not go any better. Gretchen wants skimpy and gilded. Heather wants coverage and tasteful. Well, I mean you have tried to meld tacky and tasteful into one party planning team. I’ll let you decide who the tacky one is… Gretchen. But Gretchen does design handbags, so clearly she is the fashion maven and should pick the bathing suit.
Vicki and Alexis meet for some cocktails. Vicki is nervous about going to Mexico with the two-bracelet BFFs. Alexis says it’s the last place she needs to be. Not at all personal right, Alexis? But she wants Vicki to know that Tamra called her to have lunch. She’s understandably apprehensive. But she doesn’t like knowing someone has that much hatred toward her so that is why she may go. Vicki gives Tamra an “A” for effort. And since potential peace is on the table, she would like Alexis to go to Mexico. Uh, they haven’t mended any fences yet and you don’t get to invite people to other people’s parties! When will you learn this??? Smartly, this time, Alexis says no.
Peace In The West
Alexis & Lydia go to meet Tamra for “the chat”. I guess Lydia is the peacekeeper? Not that I don’t think they could use a mediator. Tamra hasn’t really shown herself to be able to keep her cool. Ever. Tamra greets Alexis with a hug much to the shock of Alexis and the rest of the viewing audience. Though I think we’ve learned that Tamra can give up the anger (see: Gretchen) and form friendships when she wants to. Granted, she always needs someone to hate so I’m wondering who’s getting into the line of fire next…
Tamra says she has a desire to move on and this is a big step for her. She was happy that Alexis came to her party but when all the drama started between everyone, all she could hear was noise. Being the impulsive, explosive person she is, she snapped. And when she heard Alexis in the limo, she didn’t realize the impact that it would have on her at the time, but she could hear the pain in her voice. This brings Alexis to tears. Tamra wants to break the cycle of pain. Alexis never wanted to upset anyone and she just wants peace, even if they’re not best friends. Tamra thinks it’s best that they keep this between the two of them and work on their relationship with no outside influences for right now. Alexis ageres. Well, shock of shocks… That was nice. And mature. And quiet.
Gretchen goes to see Lauri at some horse stables. Is it a coincidence that Gretchen & Tamra are both seeing her? Doubtful, but go on… There’s small talk about horses and riding. And then Slade. Yeah, another Housewife touched by the virus that is Slade. Awkward. blah blah blah… Let’s get to the Vicki story…. and here we are. Gretchen asks if she sees Vicki and Lauri says they’ve run into each other but their friendship has fallen apart. This gives Gretchen the permission to launch into the hypocrisy of Vicki. Lauri says that Vicki is a total cheater. She’s never known Vicki to be with just one person… ever. Thems big words, Lauri. Have proof? Lauri says she has seen it herself. OK, this is just mean. I know that we all love some good gossip and drama but this seems like a line cross, no? And clearly set up to badmouth Vicki… Not that she has been an innocent party, but this is ridiculous. And doesn’t this make Gretchen a hypocrite too? I mean if you’re offended by Vicki being in your business, stay out of hers. And there’s the big bomb, Lauri found Vicki in bed with another woman and a man that was not her husband. Now she didn’t see that they were having sex, but…. Fill in the blanks everyone! Why the bitter return to the cameras, Lauri? Ahhhh, turns out Vicki found out info about George’s family and spread it around instead of going to Lauri. So, this is your revenge served up cold, eh? Gretchen wonders if Lauri should talk to Vicki. Lauri says probably, but she doesn’t know when. Well, you’d better hurry up because Gretchen doesn’t know if she can keep it quiet. It’s not your business Gretchen. Have a bowl of STFU soup and zip it. Feeling a little bit of regret for opening your mouth, Lauri? I think you are.
Oh look, Terry & Heather being nice to each other! Excellent. Heather is packing and isn’t sure what outfit one wears for a stripper. She’s never been to a strip club or seen one in person. This is not at all surprising. At all.
And now we are packing with Lydia. Why the packing montages, Bravo? Why? Every show. Every season. Lydia has never been on a bachelorette before and is nervous about the stripper. Wait, what? You’ve never been to a bachelorette party? She might be more uptight than Heather. Didn’t think that was possible. She wonders how to leave the room when the stripper comes in without looking like the buzz kill. Well, you can’t so just own it.
Next, Gretchen packing. She’s packing a whole suitcase full of paraphernalia and penis decorations. Lord, why do women do that? Why? I missed the memo on penis straws. I am cool with the strippers (don’t find them super interesting, but am cool), but penis straws? Come on. Gretchen tells Slade she doesn’t know if she can keep quiet about the stuff Lauri told her. Slade tells her that she should be the bigger person and keep it to herself as not to ruin Tamra’s weekend. Oh wait, no he didn’t. He just smirked and wondered why she was going in the first place. Asshat.
Aaaaaand Tamra packing…. She is not thrilled with the surprise destination and calls Gretchen. She tries to get some info about where they’re going but Gretchen isn’t giving it up. Tamra says she’s not into the cold weather. I feel you girl. She wants naked wasted not snow bunny.
Now, the requisite arriving at the airport montage. Vicki arrives with a bag full of Hustler toys which annoys Gretchen because she already bought them all. Well, then you shouldn’t have put yours in a suitcase where you can’t get to them, I guess. Tamra arrives, gets the bikini and finds out she’s going to Mexico. Happy bride-to-be.
Arrival in Puerto Vallarta and Heather tells them about the nice restaurant they’re going to. Vicki knows a dive bar that they can go to afterwards and whoop it up. Gretchen says they can’t whoop it up too much because they have another day of whooping it up to go. Stop saying whoop it up and just go have fun. And speaking of fun… Gretchen pulls out a penis lollipop for Tamra, which is terrifying for Lydia, but just Vicki’s size. So, let’s see… the blondes are there to get their party on and the brunettes would like to maintain their dignity. Come on, brunettes! Get the pole out of your asses and have some fun… minus the penis straws.
Bored In Bachelorette
Off they go to the dinner with some champers in the limo. Nice start to me. Tamra doesn’t want to drink two nights in a row so she’s putting the kibosh on Vicki’s crazy parade. Yeah, we can’t quite rally the way we used to when we were in our twenties… or our thirties… or… well, you get the point.
Heather’s restaurant choice is a bit of a bust… romantic with no energy. Lydia decides to play a game where she rapid-fire asks Tamra questions about Eddie to get the party started. Best body part? Abs. Boxers or briefs? Both. What position does he like? That is from Vicki and that is also the end of the game. Good job. And back to the snooze-fest. Now, Gretchen is scared of the shrimp in Mexico. OK, I’m sorry but I have lost the last iota of patience I had for her. She is officially bottom of my list, which was reserved for Alexis. Congrats, Alexis. You’re no longer the worst of the bunch.
Vicki still wants to go play at her local dive. The other girls want to go to bed. Man, this is the world’s most boring bachelorette party in history. Go have a drink. One. The dinner was a bust. Salvage the night. But Gretchen doesn’t want to and it’s not Vicki’s weekend! Besides, they have a tour tomorrow. Vicki doesn’t want to do a tour. So don’t go. Gretchen says the same. Such grown up behavior.
After dinner, Vicki drags Lydia & Tamra out of the restaurant and off to a bar, ditching Heather & Gretchen on the way. Lydia wants to text them, but Vicki is too busy driving the party train to stop for a text message. As Heather & Gretchen sit in the limo, they wonder how they got left behind. Probably because you said you didn’t want to go. The three escapees are “whooping it up” while the other two sit in the car & brood. Hey, here’s an idea… How about going to the bar Vicki said she wanted to go to? Detective work 101. But Gretchen is mad and would rather spill the stories she heard from Lauri. I’ll say it again… Grown ups!
Rachel: Oh the post-fighting here should be amazing. And I’m sure we’re going to hear all about how Gretchen feels like she’s losing Tamra to Vicki. Yes, it’s time for the tables to turn.