Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 1: Garden State of Emergency

One Sentence Summary:  Seems like Sandy isn’t the only storm the ladies face this season.

Melissa’s Thoughts:

no, I still don't have my own spinoff, but I hide the disappointment well.

No, I still don’t have my own spinoff, but I hide the disappointment well.

Oh, you all know I’m tickled Rosé my Jersey bitches are back!!  One of these days I’m going to take a road trip and stalk Franklin Lakes.  No wait, I didn’t say that… no restraining orders please!  I digress, this season we pick it up where we left off with the Gorga / Giudice feud.  Shocker!  Though by the look of the season’s preview, it’s going to get down to “trust falls” and rappelling to prove Housewife love.  Hang on, did a Bachelor(ette) producer join the Bravo team??  What’s with the danger to prove love?  Anywho, let’s kick things off with a lovely glass of Sauvignon Blanc raised high to Jersey Girls.

November 2012 – Seaside Heights

see that water line?  You could have drowned-ed!  That's why I wanted you to check on the place that weekend.

See that water line? You could have drowned-ed! That’s why I wanted you to check on the place that weekend.

We catch up with the NJ Housewives as they face the whore Sandy – no, not some woman sleeping with Juicy Joe, but the storm that crippled parts of New Jersey.  This Bitch speaks from experience having lost power for 2 weeks in freezing conditions – though I won’t complain, we managed far better off than most in the Garden State.  The collective go to check on their shore properties as we get another look at what happened to the coast in November and discuss how the storm has impacted them individually.

The Gorga’s home seems to still be on its foundation but with some serious water damage.  Meanwhile Teresa hits town to see the destruction of their own summer home.  Joe is already kicking down the walls to be replaced, while telling Teresa she would have drowned-ed (nope, not a typo, just Guidice-speak) had she been at the house, since she can’t swim and the water level was to her chin.  OK, you know I have to put my Captain Obvious cape on and say if it was to her chin she really wouldn’t have drowned-ed but been really cold and wet. I’m thinking if you can stand, the risk of… ugh never-mind Giudices… never-mind.  Drowned-ed it is.

Joe sees it as a positive thing to get the economy working again repairing the damage.  I gotta jump in here and suggest there are a lot of folks who would have rather kept their homes than “boost the economy”.  Teresa of course seizes the opportunity to share how good her marriage is after the drama of last season, and how couples go through ups and downs but she doesn’t see divorce on the horizon.  Anyone else out there willing to forgive and forget when the hubs calls them a C?  M’okay Teresa.  Joe asks if Teresa has heard from her brother Joe and she hasn’t so they talk about how supportive they would be if only Joey Gorga would have called – yeah, we’re all feeling the love you must be feeling since the Reunion.  Teresa is still insisting the chasm between her and her brother isn’t her doing… some mysterious force in the universe drove them apart.  She’s ready to take him back though, if he wants back in her life.

Joe and Melissa talk about rebuilding, while trying to tie to the rebuilding they’ll need to do to their shore home to the relationship with Teresa and her brood.

Some Things Never Change

Really do we need to start at the Giudice house with the girls screaming?  OY!!  These girls don’t get any better with the seasons.  Teresa shares that she’s trying to teach the girls that, in the wake of the tragedy that was Sandy, people will need glamorous clothing so they need to rally for a cause.  Um, sweetie, I think the folks most affected by Sandy were really looking for running water, maybe electricity… Some walls in their homes… Not your last season’s Guicci.  OK, I like that Milania wants to give her teddy bear away to a little boy or girl.  I’ll give her props for that one.  Of course, I’ll also give her props on asking her mom when she’ll see her cousins again.  You know Melissa’s kids – who Teresa ran off because she’s got a weird thing for her own brother.  Teresa tries to pretend she cares and claims they’ll see their family soon.

Family Time

Proud Mamma working with Nicholas

Proud Mamma working with Nicholas

OK, so at Jac’s house we catch up with her and her change of focus to Nicholas’s Autism.  I’ll pull out my soapbox and say how proud I am of her that she is willing to become a voice for Autism awareness.  Too many people just want to box it up and push it to the side.  We learn that in the Sandy downtime Jac spent a lot of time working with Nicholas and helping him learn new words.

Family Feud

Joe Gorga tells Melissa that he wants to go out with the boys, but she puts the kibosh on his plans.  Guess we know who wears the pants in that house.  She shows Joe a letter Antonia wrote to Milania for a school project telling her she misses her.  Melissa thinks Joe and Teresa act the way they do because they grew up with family not talking to each other.  Melissa doesn’t want the kids to suffer because of what potentially will come out of Teresa’s mouth in front of her children.  Smart move.  She doesn’t want to give Teresa the chance to call her a stripper again, but really wants the children to know each other.

Dating Tips

I didn't know why we didn't see a lot of Kathy this episode, maybe it's this jacket.

I didn’t know why we didn’t see a lot of Kathy this episode.  Maybe it’s the sweater.

It’s ROSIE!!  At Mom’s house, Kathy wants to help Rosie with her dating options but Rosie wants nothing to do with the bar scene because everyone is always drunk (um, it’s a bar… kind of the end game no?) or the online scene because no one is who they claim to be.  Kathy doesn’t understand why Rosie gets to have her say with no recourse, but she’s called to the carpet immediately when she speaks her truth.  Hey, I like Rosie’s hair much better in her confessional.  What’s going on here with the multiple looks?  Can I petition for the confessional hair?

Not Quite The Olive Branch

Back to the chaos at Teresa’s, Antonia’s letter arrives and Milania is so excited.  Teresa suggests inviting Antonia over for a play date and then they can give her her birthday gift – to which Gia snarks about not being invited to Antonia’s party in the first place.  OH, if there’s a kid in this house who deserves a kick in the ass!!  Of course Teresa spins it that they weren’t invited, which hurt the kids.  Well little ones, mama is kinda evil and no one wants her darkening their doorstep.  That’s what you’ve got working against you.  Sadly she completely perpetuates this attitude with her kids that none of them are in the wrong.

We’re treated to Juicy “working out” in the garage, thankfully with his shirt on.   Gia the little… Um, never-mind… runs to show Juicy the letter to try her hand at pot stirring.  Well done my dear, you’ll be your mother in no time.  Gia wants to know why they don’t get to see each other and shockingly Joe puts the blame (sort of) where it belongs, with the parents.  Of course, I’m sure he’s not thinking of himself and the Misses in that explanation.  Teresa still believes she’s owed an apology from Melissa (for what, I have NO CLUE), but since Melissa isn’t woman enough to step up on her own it’s not gonna happen.  She’ll just keep using the kids as the go-between.

Pepper Peepers

You mean I can see a penis other than Tarzan?  Where do I get one of these?

You mean I can see a penis other than Tarzan? Where do I get one of these?

So with the kids gone, Caroline and Albert are thinking of downsizing.  And by that, she means renting an apartment in Hoboken to see if they like it.  Um, so 2 houses is downsizing?  Man, I need to downsize!!  Melissa and Joe stop over to visit and hang out in the new digs… I mean additional digs.  While sitting there, Joe spies the telescope and decides to to check out the “scenery”, while Lauren shares that blow jobs fall into the prestigious list of what’s been seen through that telescope.  In his confessional, Joe shares that he gravitates toward Caroline for the love he doesn’t get with his own family.  Melissa tells the group she doesn’t want Antonia to be a prisoner at Teresa’s house on the play date (who can blame her), and thinks she’ll text Teresa to suggest taking the girls out someplace.

There's a chance if I keep drinking like this I'll black out enough to have sex.

There’s a chance if I keep drinking like this I’ll black out enough to have sex with her.

At dinner, Joe is drunk enough to compliment Teresa that she’s looking better and better with a laugh that I can only describe as “it takes the lotion from the basket”-esque.  Now I’m sitting here with goose flesh while Teresa & Melissa argue via text about who will take the kids.  Joe makes some derogatory comments about his relatives since that’s all he knows how to do.  Um, people living in glass houses, Joe…

So we go back and forth with the texts and Mama Caroline offers her two cents.   She’s uncomfortable being involved in the mess at this point, but they need to get to a resolution.  Maybe Caroline should offer to host a play date for the kids.  Of course Bravo couldn’t finish there.  They gleefully flip back to Teresa and Joe saying that, at the end of the day, “they’re all just dust in the air”.  Have I mentioned my love for the Bravo editing crew??  I mean, I’m sure they have a lot to work with, but they work the digs in so nicely.

Camera Catch Up

Caroline arrives with coffee-in-hand to visit Jac and catch up after the storm of the latest gossip.  Caroline relays all the details of the date night with the Gorgas.  Jac tells us that the appeal of dealing with the Giudice-Gorga drama is up there with bleaching her asshole… thanks for the colorful image, Jac.  Yeah, that’s just what I needed in my head… though I can’t say she’s wrong.  Caroline thinks that maybe Melissa is being ridiculous by not letting Antonia go to Teresa’s house.  Hang on now, Caroline.  I can kind of side with Melissa.  We’ve see how Teresa talks.  I don’t know if I would want my child to potentially be witness to mean-spirited comments.

Mother / Daughter Time

Yes, I am smarter than you, why do you think I act this way?

Yes, I am smarter than you.  Why do you think I act this way, you dumbass?

Teresa and Gia head out for a little retail therapy.  You know, to replace everything they donated.  I have to ask, is it just the dress or did Teresa get her boobs done again??  While trying on tight skirts, Gia slips that she likes a guy and a guy likes her.  Really now?  Of course that all gets pushed aside when Melissa texts Teresa again about the play date. Sorry, Gia.  You’re life doesn’t get airtime when mommy is in the room.  I wonder if Teresa actually gets the fact that her daughter is smarter than she is?  We also get a flashback treat of big-haired Teresa rocking a skin tight cut-out dress, that I think if I were ever caught in a photograph wearing… said photograph would end up torched.  Yes, that explains a lot of missing high school images.  What??  No one needs to see that.

Gia has had enough of the back & forth between mom & Aunt Melissa over where the play date will be held and who will be attending.  Seriously, these two are acting like they’re negotiating a multi-million dollar merger.  It’s a play date!  Gia takes Teresa’s phone, texts Melissa and tells her that she & Milania will be happy to join them at the beading store for the play date.  And scene.

Play Date

It’s the morning of the play date and Teresa tells Milania that she’ll be making jewelry.  Teresa is sure that the place won’t be up to her standards.  This should go well.

Meanwhile, at Melissa’s, she tells Joe her plans for the day.  He tells her Caroline asked him to coffee.  Melissa isn’t thrilled that her husband is going to coffee alone and think that it’s none of Caroline’s business in the first place… Oh well my dear!  That’s what happens when you play “take my side”.

In the car on the way to the play date, Joe Giudice calls and asks Milania if she’s excited to see “horsey face”.  Nice Joe, who is 4 going on 6 now?  I think I also need to ask which muppets they skinned for those coats?  In Melissa’s car, the vibe is a little different and included better jackets.

Aw, the girls throw their arms around each other in huge hugs on sight.  Teresa tells us she’s excited to see Antonia, but would rather not deal with Melissa and be fake because  she’s not fake (except for the boobs).  Um, so the present for Antonia was an ipod.  Really Teresa?

Coffee With A Catch

He's so dreamy... What harm will a little crush do?

He’s so dreamy… What’s the harm in a little crush?

It’s coffee time with Joe!!  I think Caroline has a little crushy-crush on Gorga.  He shares his concerns about the fight with Teresa and Caroline’s take is that Teresa doesn’t want to share Joe.  Um, sorry Caroline, I called that last season.  Caroline decides she wants to help him with his Teresa drama…  And by help, she means confront Teresa on his behalf.  Oh no, the dye has been cast.

Bead it Kids

While the girls are trying to make their jewelry, Melissa tries to micro manage production by creative directing their bracelets.  Meanwhile, Teresa searches for anything on her phone to distract her so she doesn’t have to talk to Melissa.  Yeah, Teresa doesn’t care for the micromanagement, and tries to change the subject to communions.  Of course, they both scheduled their kid’s communions for the same day… who didn’t see that coming a mile away through the sparkly beads.  Yes, one of them will need to reschedule, and Teresa “to be the bigger person” suggests she’ll move Gabriella’s.  She also checks in on her brother to try to stir up some conversation.  As they leave, Teresa thinks the kids know the whole thing is fake and doesn’t like it.  Yeah, Milania crying might be more about the fact that she doesn’t want the play date to end than the fact the adults were being fake.

Stepping In

Man, it’s gone all dark while Caroline and Joe were at coffee.  How long have they been there?  I hope they switched to decaf.  She tries to tell him he’s doing the right thing getting the kids together, and relates to her argument with Auntie Dina.  She tells him sometimes you have to suffer a beating to make things right, and they hug it out to close out the season opener.

Bottom Line:

Seems the ladies are off to a wimper, not quite the bang I was hoping for.


3 responses to “Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 1: Garden State of Emergency

  1. I am a drama lover (on tv and in the lives of other people, not here in MileHighVille), but this show is getting kinda painful for me to watch. Painful in that Teresa is so damn delusional I can barely even laugh at u

    • Damn it. I was trying too type too fast on the iPhone.

      I was trying to say that I can barely even laugh at how stupid she is anymore. It’s just painful. And bringing in the kids? Not a good look.

      • melissa630

        Sadly I think I actually liked Teresa when this all started – she was ditzy… that I can hang with. But this mean-spiritedness and screeching I can’t deal with. Not to mention the horrible husband.

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