The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 1: Meet the Men

One Sentence Summary:  Des is back and we get to gawk at & judge 25 suitors.

Aren't I cute as a button?

Aren’t I just cute as a button?

Our Thoughts Rachel:   Oh joy, here we go again.  Time for another round of Love American Style… AKA – The Bachelorette.  I know I start every season (every week?) with my snarky rant about how it’s so stupid that people are looking for love on television.  And I still stand by that.  It is stupid.  The highest order of stupid.  And yet, I can pretty much guarantee that come the end of the season, I will not only be in front of my TV, glass of wine in my hand, rooting for some poor schlub, but will also be hoping these crazy kids make it.  Well, as long as my guy wins the final rose.  As for our usual Bachelorette Drinking Game, we aren’t familiar enough with Des yet to have fully formed the rules.  We have some pretty good ideas, but hope to have a solid set of rules by next week.  Stay tuned.

Melissa:  Hmmm, I wonder who the new Bachelorette is this season… Oh right, since I had the television on this morning there was no other face I saw on abc but Desiree making her rounds – GMA to Regis and Kelly, er, Kelly and Michael.  That girl is a one-woman PR show.  Personally, I’m not thrilled to see Des returning.  I mean I don’t dislike the girl, but the “gosh by golly gee willikers” started to wear thin on me by week 5 of Sean’s season, I have to admit.  I LOVED her brother’s take on the whole business though, truth be told.  But now she’s back to slut it up… I mean find love!!  Who are we to stand in her way?  I just wish one of these seasons we won’t recycle a Bachelor(ette).  Give me a fresh face to give a chance rather than starting the season off with an eye twitch.

Bachelorette Rate The Men Rules: 

So, in case you don’t remember or are new to the blog, we have a rigid scale to judge the would-be suitors as they are introduced to Des and the rest of the viewing audience: 1 – Aw suki suki now!!! Mama likey!

2 – He could be a good time.

3 – Talk to me after a couple glasses of wine.

4 – Do I look that desperate?

5 – Not even with someone else’s vajayjay.

Again, drinking game rules will follow around Week 2 or 3, when we’ve heard the season’s lingo and are ready to drown ourselves in our pinot. Wait, and abc didn’t even bother to give us a cheat sheet?  What’s up with that?  Did you blow your production budget on Sean and now we have to fend for ourselves??  Uncool abc… UNCOOL.

Season Previews – AKA Let’s Show How Many Guys Cry

Rachel:  It’s time for the season overview.  I’m not even going to try and figure out who the guys are yet because that it just going to hurt my brain.  But it looks to be a season “unlike any other”… and by that I mean like every other.  And it seems the producers have gotten really good at finding a super shady character to piss off all the guys in the house and make Des cry.  This one, it looks like, forgot to mention that he still has a girlfriend.  Whoops.  I guess they have to be super shady if they’re going to top the gasp-worthiness of a Bentley or a Kalon.  Lords only knows what the dude’s name is going to be…  Kentley?

But there may be actual blows thrown this season.  That’s never happened before has it?  Wait, how is that possible?  I’ve always found it somewhat strange that you put that much testosterone in a room, mix in alcohol and have them all jockey for the same girl with no one ever coming to blows?  They must have been slipping Xanax into their beers… til now.   Well, I’m kind of stoked to see that happen.  Not gonna lie.  Muhahahaha… Now, let’s bring on the pecs…er, men.

Melissa:  So Des is living her dream and the mens are all atwitter about how “Des” she is.  Oh that’s right, there’s the not-so-ex-girlfriend rolling in and the mens are going to bitch like 17-year-old girls.  This is going to be the most remarkable season yet – I mean I’m just guessing that’s what Chris will tell us.

It Starts… Malibu

For the record, no part of my DVR recorded this segment.  I guess it was annoyed too.

For the record, no part of my DVR recorded this segment. I guess it was annoyed too.

Rachel:  Wait, how is Des rolling up to the new pad in a car that is puttering in the driveway?  Clearly she’s not getting the Princess Emily treatment.   Should have sent her brother to do the negotiations, Des.  Let him explain to Chris how this shit is going to go down.  You’d be climbing that driveway in a Maserati right now. So, in case you didn’t know that Des was the “artsy playful” Bachelorette, let’s have her sketch a fun picture of a couple under a palm tree and slide down a giant concrete mound on a playground.  Aw, she even feeds the seagulls.  Oh what a little trickster, she was really just setting them up to scare them.  That Des, what a kidder.  We’re just going to laugh & squeal all season long.

Time for Chris to get inside her head and explore what Des is feeling deep down inside.  Wait, did he just say she has a Bentley?  Then what was that opening scene all about?  Eh, I don’t care enough to go back and look. (This is the part my DVR didn’t bother recording.  I got no Sean recap or Bentley gifting… but it all happened.)  Let’s continue… Des is excited.  This is such a fairy tale.  Yeah, last I checked, Cinderella wasn’t dating 25 guys at one time.  I think that was a totally different movie.  This is going to work for her, because when Des truly loves, she falls head over heels.

But Chris wants to know about the important things… like how long is she going to make a guy wait to kiss her?  Yes, let abc know how long before they can get some steamy hot tub action going to boost the ratings.  You’re not Emily, you know.  Chris also wants her to know that she has to not hold back her feelings with the guys, because that was her shortcoming on the Bachelor.  Really?  I thought it was her scary brother.

The tears have arrived as she tells us that she’s just so blessed to be here and be in a position to find love.  Yeah, you’ll be in a position but I don’t know that I’d call it love. wink wink, nudge nudge.   And the montage of her getting ready is upon us.  Can we please meet some men?

Melissa:  Hello, busted up car… Man, Sean did really steal the budget didn’t he?  They couldn’t even spring for a town car to get the girl to the house?  So she’s a girl from humble beginnings who wants the love her parents shared and OF COURSE she’ll find it on network television!!  That’s where we all find love – right?   But she believes in the experience.  Granted, I too believe in touring around the world with men throwing themselves at me… Yeah, that’s an experience I can get behind.  Oh, not to mention tooling around in a drop-top Bentley.

OK, for real, what is this roller skating montage business happening here? Yeah, of course she can’t believe it’s happening… riiiiight.  Cinderella ready to meet her prince charming.  Yeah, good for you if you want to kiss a guy.  That’s right, you get your tongue right in there girl, whenever the mood hits you get right on in there… it’s the Des show for now.  Oy, here’s another question, if I may?  Do we need an entire hour of reminiscing and thinking about the future?  I mean we all know Des.  We’ve met her before.  This ain’t her first time at the rodeo.  Let’s move it along.

Sweet Mary she’s a crier!  Did I block that out already?  I can’t stand a crier.  That has to be rule number 1 – every time Des cries we drink.

Preview Night

Finally, let’s meet some dudes.

The scale again:

1 – Aw suki suki now!!!  Mama likey!

2 – He could be a good time.

3 – Talk to me after a couple glasses of wine.

4 – Do I look that desperate?

5 – Not even with someone else’s vajayjay.

Bryden – 26, Army Solider from Missoula, Montana

Even the Bachelorette is getting patriotic on Memorial Day.

Even the Bachelorette is getting patriotic on Memorial Day.

Rachel – He’s an Iraq War Veteran that signed up for the Army after he got his heart broken.  Uh, that must have been quite a break-up.  I mean I absolutely respect our soliders, but how bad do you have to have your heart broken if war is a better option than possibly running into your ex again?  This guy also has a cute dog that he loves… There are women melting all over their living rooms right now and we’re only one guy in. I get it, but he’s not my scene so I’ll go 3 on him with room to improve.

Melissa – OK, he’s a veteran.  Ding, Ding… I like this one.  Regardless, dude serves so he gets an immediate extra point. He starts at a 2, hands down… Might even hit “aw suki suki” if he can bring it to the meet and greet.

Will –  28, Banker from Chicago, Illinois

I'm just trying to make it on a date.

I’m just trying to make it on a date!

Rachel – He loves life and bikram yoga.  He is also one of our token men of color.  Maybe Des will be open-minded to other ethnicities, though his Oprah-like enthusiastic shouting is going to get old fast.

He’s a 3.

Melissa – A 6’3” banker who likes Mac and Cheese.  Well, who doesn’t my friend?

You earned a 3.

Drew – 27, Digital Marketer from Scottsdale, Arizona

I look at pictures of my family to show you how sensitive I am.

I look at pictures of my family to show you how sensitive I am.

Rachel:  More gratuitous abs, not that I’m complaining.  He’s the product of a divorce, an alcoholic father and a severely mentally handicapped sister.  He’s the guy who is going to tell us over & over how he’s had to grow up fast and probably isn’t going to bring too many laughs.  But he’s that All-American boy that America will root for.

But me, I’m giving him a 3

Melissa:  OK, I’m going out on a limb here and say Miss Des might have a “type”.  And this might be it.

Meh, he’s a 3… I guess.

Nick R – 26, Clothier from Chicago, Illinois 

I like to play hide the ball.

I like to play hide the ball.

Rachel:  He’s got a great wardrobe but he’s also a magician.  No.  No no magic.  No.  Sorry, Nick, people are not always drawn to magic.  Some of us run from it.  Far and fast.

He’s a 4.  The only reason he’s not a 5 is the clothing.

Melissa:  The suit guy from Chicago who is also a professional magician?  Oh, that’s just too easy!!

He’s a 4.

Zak W –  31, Drilling Fluid Engineer from Mico, Texas

That sure is one stiff cup of coffee.

That sure is one stiff cup of coffee.

Rachel:  Hate the hair.  Like the face.  Love the bod.  Not sure about the need to be naked all the time.  But his biggest drawback is that he lives in the middle of nowhere.  BTW, there are many a joke to be made about drilling for fluids so for that I’d like him to stick around a while.

He’s between a 2 & 3 for me… So, 2.5

Melissa:  Now crooked hair aside, you’re rocking my last name, so don’t be a douche.

6’ from Texas who likes to hang out nekkid and jump off rocks gets a  3.

Robert – 30, Sign Spinning Entrepreneur from Los Angeles, CA 

I've conned people into believing a spinning sign is a good sales generator.  I can con you into thinking I'm awesome too.

I’ve conned people into believing a spinning sign is a good sales generator. I can con you into thinking I’m awesome too.

Rachel:  Why do the guys from LA always have to be tools?  Though I guess that might be why I was single so much of the time living there.  What’s happening with his eyebrows?  Much better looking from the side.  Aw, and he has a one-eyed dog.  Up one point for that.

From the side, he’s a 2.  From the front, he’s a 3.

Melissa:  6’2” from LA whose biggest date fear is also the spinach in the teeth.

Here’s a thought, don’t order spinach – 4.

Mike R –  27, Dental Student from Dallas, Texas

Yeah, I could stand to get drilled by this guy... My teeth, people!  My teeth!

Yeah, I could stand to get drilled by this guy… My teeth, people! My teeth!

Rachel  – He’s been in the Air Force.  He’s from London though he has no accent.  He knows that he’d be 30% more attractive with an accent.  I like a guy who makes self-deprecating jokes.

I’m gonna give him a 2.

Melissa:  YES, our first male model (slash dentist) of the season!  No tats, but he IS a size 13 shoe, so says the Bachelorette website.  How the eff is that a question they even ask for the bios??

OK, he’s a 3.

Brandon –  26, Painting Contractor from Costa Mesa, CA

I'm more than my good looks and my sick wakeboarding moves.  I'm a sensitive, deep guy which is proven by me sitting here with my chin in my hand.

I’m more than my good looks and my sick wakeboarding moves. I’m a sensitive, deep guy which is proven by me sitting here with my chin in my hand.

Rachel:  Is “painting contractor” the fancy way to say “painter”?  He’s an adrenaline junkie who’s also from a broken home with a bad daddy and an addict mom.  But he had amazing grandparents that showed him love and the value of hard work. Uh oh, Drew has competition for the School of Hard Knocks sympathy vote.

I kinda like him – 2

Melissa:  6’1” painter with a cross tat on his back who doesn’t like olives.  Raised by his grandparents to learn how to work hard and be positive.  He’s also ready to be in love with Desiree.

He gets a 3.

The Time Has Come… 

Pageant dress, check!  Let the man-parade commence!

Pageant dress, check! Let the man-parade commence!

The men are coming!  The men are coming!  he he…. Sorry, I just cracked myself up.  OK, we’re going to have add a rule to drink every time Des says “fairy tale”.

So, Melissa had been doing some extra research on abc.com to factor into her ratings of the guys.  I’m going in cold.  You know how I hate extra work, but I also want just a gut reaction.  Let’s see whose tactics have more spot-on results.

Let’s get this party started…

Drew

Drew

Melissa:  Our sad clown marketer is first out of the car.  He’s cute and completely forgets to tell Des his name.

He keeps his 3.

Rachel:  Yep, 3.

Brooks – 28, Marketing Consultant from Salt Lake City, Utah

Brooks

Rachel:  Oy, the ‘Tah.  He’s got huge cheeseball potential.  Not feeling him.

I’m going 4.

Melissa:  6’4” from Utah but only has an 11.5 shoe.  Hmmm…

He’s the little feet guy – 3.

Brad – 27, Accountant from Denver, Colorado

Brad

Rachel:  He brings a wishbone in homage to her throwing a penny in the fountain on Sean’s season.

He’s aiight… 3

Melissa:  A tatless accountant/DJ.  Um, how does that mix happen???  He also has an obsession with peanut butter.

Meh, 3.

Bryden

Bryen

Rachel – Yeah, he seems nice enough…

Stays a 3.

Melissa – OK, this Bryden is a cutie patootie!!  Maybe it’s the soldier thing, but still…

I feel like I should have a paddle like the Dancing With The Stars judges… 1!!!

Michael G –  33, Federal Prosecutor from Miami, Florida

Mike G

Rachel – That’s a big boy job.  He takes her to the fountain to make a wish.  When he can’t find her original penny, he gives her a new one.

I’m giving him a 2.5.

Melissa – 6’2” with a 14 shoe who likes Dante and Fitzgerald… Nice.  I love his plan to find her penny.

You get a 2 my dear, and should you not get completely bombed at cocktails making a complete ass of yourself, you could be a 1 by the end of the night.

Kasey – 29, Advertising Executive from San Luis Obispo 

Kasey

Rachel –  Oh, that’s a pretty part of the country.  He works in social media so he has some hashtags for Des.  #marriagematerial #letthejourneybegin

#nodudeno – 4

Melissa – 6’4, size 12 – Really this should be the standard now for all the bachelors.  Just so we ladies know what we’re working with, right??  Yeah, I went stereotype, but that’s their plan isn’t it?  Let’s be realistic though, I’ve known men with pretty big feet and well…  Sorry I digress, we’re to Kasey who gave her some hashtags.

Yeah, you’re a 4.

Will

Will

Rachel – He has nicknamed her Athena because she was the goddess of beauty inside & out.  Smooth.  I like.  And he leaves her with something to circle back for… a nickname for him.

Smooth maneuvering ratchets him up a half a point to 2.5

Melissa – Our only man of color so far this season.

He keeps his 3.

Mikey T – 30, Plumbing Contractor from Winfield, Illinois

Mikey

Rachel:  Oy, I have a thing about men over a certain age that still go by their childhood nickname.  Drop the “y”, friend.  He has a close family and he’s an older brother so he gets her relationship with her brother.  Nice.

The bro routine ups him to a 3.

Melissa – 6’ plumber with a tribal tat.  OK, he gets props for his Crossfit.

I’m a sucker for a CF body – 2.

Jonathan – 26, Lawyer from Hickory, North Carolina

Jonathan

Rachel – He brought her a card that invites her to the fantasy suite should she choose to forego the other men.  An attempt at humor that is just coming off sleazy.  Way to fall flat, friend.  Des tell him that she’s not that kind of girl.  Well, not on the first night.  Aw yeah, Des.  I caught that.

Lame gets you a 4.5.  The only reason it’s not a 5 is that I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt in hopes he was actually trying to be funny.

Melissa – He considers his best attributes to be his height (6’1”), his shoe size (11) and his vertical leap.

You get a 4.5 for the cheese ball invite to the fantasy suite.

Zak W  

Zak

Rachel – Our lonely Texan shows up looking like a Chippendales reject.  Put a damn shirt on, boy.  But he does make fun of Sean’s abs so I kinda can’t be that mad at him.  I have a feeling he’s going to have clothing issues.

I’ll let him hover at the 2.5… for now.

Melissa – Well, at least he kept his pants on for the meet and greet.  Seriously, why are you “that guy”?

He has, however, sacrificed a point and is now sitting at a 4.

(Needless to say, the dudes inside are mad at him for showing up like that, mostly because they didn’t think of it.)

James – 27, Advertising Executive from Chicago, Illinois James

Rachel – This boy reeks of the Young Republicans.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that… for people who aren’t me.  He says loyalty is love and even if they get fat & grey, that’s what matters.  Damn, his head is square.

Meh, 3

Melissa – Anyone else seeing flashes of ‘Tangle Head Ames?  This 6’2” size 13 likes his tats and Dr. Seuss.

Aw, he’s a 3.

Larry – 34, ER Doctor from Berkeley, California

Larry

Rachel – He had me at Berkeley.  Love it there.  He tries a dance move with Des, and when he dips her, she gets caught in her dress.  She says it’s not the dress for that.  Aw, he was trying to be cute.  Yeah, she definitely has a bitchy streak in her.  I didn’t buy the super sweet routine with Sean & I’m still not buying it.

He gets a 2.

Melissa – 5’10” size 11 ER doctor whose picture does him NO justice, but that attempt at getting Des to dance wasn’t the smoothest.

He gets a 3.

Nick R 

Nick R

Rachel – He does a magic trick and gives her a rose.  He might as well have dressed as a clown and given her balloons too.  Would be a trifecta of things I hate.

I’ll let him keep the 4… for now.

Melissa – Oh no with the magic!!  Why must there be schtick??

Yep, 4.

Zack K – 28, Book Publisher from Newport Beach, California

Zack

Rachel – I like the tux and Converse combo.  He’s cute-ish.

I’ll give him a 3.

Melissa – 6’2” size 11 book publisher whose favorite book is Atlas Shrugged.  Like the Chucks to take the look a little casual.

He’s a 3.

Diogo – 29, Ski Resort Manager from Lake Tahoe, California

Knight

Rachel – Did this dude just roll out of the car in a knight’s suit?  He had better have something special under there and not play that “I’m not taking off the mask so you love me for me” BS game.  OK, he took off the mask and he has an accent. He gets shit inside from the other guys, including Jonathan, who is a douche.

Hmmm, he gets half a point for sympathy…. 3.5

Melissa – OK, I don’t care WHO the knight is… That’s minus 1 point right there!!  Diogo, you don’t stand a chance buddy… Even with the accent you lost it.  His favorite movies are chick flicks (No Strings Attached and The Lucky One – OK who doesn’t love a little Zach Effron? I’ll let that one slide) but has read The Alchemist.

Aren’t you just a little (5’10”) enigma? – 4.

Chris – 27, Mortgage Broker from Seattle, Washington

Chris

Rachel – He gets on bended knee and asks if she minds if he ties his shoe.  He wanted to start out on the right foot.  That was groan-inducing but in a fun way.  So he gets a half a point for that.

I’ll give him a 2.5.

Melissa – 6’4”, size 12 with no tats but likes Scrabble.

Don’t love the one knee shoe tie, right foot gimmick – 4.

Mike R.

Mike R

Rachel – Oh, he rocked a doctor’s coat and is her McDreamy for the night.  I should hate him for that… but I don’t.

He remains a 2.

Melissa – Ugh, I disagree. That coat/McDreamy play should cost you a point.

But I’ll let you stay a 3.

Robert

Robert

Rachel – Chad Lowe!  That’s who he reminds me of!  OK, feel much better.  He asks  Des if can take off his tie, which he does, and says nothing else.  That was weird.

I take away the 2 and demote you fully to the 3.

Melissa  – I’m surprised he didn’t bring a sign to flap about.

Still a 4.

Juan Pablo – 31, Former Pro Soccer Player from Miami, Florida

Juan Pablo

Rachel  – Uh, where you been hiding?  I’m pretty sure I would have seen you in the FLA.  Yeah, not mad at him or that accent.  And he gave her chocolate.

This is the closet to a suki suki tonight – 1.5 for me

Melissa – Hello, Juan Pablo.  I do likes me a soccer player!  5’11” size 11.5 with a tat but doesn’t read.  Oh, you’re going to be the “hush baby don’t speak” of the season aren’t you?  But  then again, with that accent you could read a cereal box to me and I’ll be happy.

Yeah, you’ll slide with a 2.

Brandon

Brandon

Rachel – Our adrenaline junkie is back on a motorcycle.  I’d have bumped him up a point if the bike were nicer.  Wait, did he just say he’s from Minneapolis?  What happened to Costa Mesa?  Color me confused.

He can keep his 2.

Melissa – Ah, another Rico Suave entrance.  Des, I think, likes the bad boy thing.

Still a 3.

Brian – 29, Financial Advisor from Baltimore, Maryland

Brian

Rachel – He’s got a little Antonio Sabato going on.  And I like the velvet jacket.  I think I’ve been in Florida too long.

But I’m giving him a 2.5.

Melissa – 6’2” size 13 who likes The Notebook??  Um, I don’t think I can even touch that one!

Micah –  32, Law Student from Denver, Colorado

Micah

Rachel – Oh no, we have a jokester.  He designed his own suit in honor of her designing her own dress.  He’s kinda cute but I can’t tell if he’s an ass.  Probably.

Giving a 3, cautiously.

Melissa – Likes Bruce WIllis because – no sorry – “‘cause he’s a badass.”  And at 5’11” size 9.5, trying to rock that jacket lost you some serious street cred.

Definite 4.

Nick M – 27, Investment Advisor from Charlotte, North Carolina

Nick M

Rachel  – He wrote a poem…  It’s not going to win any Pulitzer Prizes but it was a nice attempt.

He’s a 3 for me.

Melissa – Oh hi there, 6’1” size 12 with your poetry.

You’re cute, 2.

Dan – 30, Beverage Sales Director from Las Vegas, Nevada

Dan

Rachel – Right off the bat his job says to me, free booze.  So that’ll up you a half a point without even trying.  He’s cute.

I’ll give him a 2.5.

Melissa – 6’ size 10.5 from Cali doesn’t leave me with much of an impression.

Eh, 3.

Ben – 28, Entrepreneur from Dallas, Texas

Ben

Rachel – OK, the little kid that just got out of the car in a suit might be the cutest damn thing I’ve seen in a long time.  I love dad loving his kid out loud too.  I’m actually getting misty listening to them talk as dad gives him to grandma.

Bam, we have a solid 1.

Melissa – OMG, who brings the cutest kid ever on the show??   6’2” size 11.5 with a rib tat (a fave location in my book unless it’s Hello Kitty).  I also have to give props for Tommy Boy being one of his favorite movies… “Fat guy in a little coat!” (twisting with my arms in the air.)  That kid is so stinking cute!

Papi gets a 2 for that schtick!

Cocktails

Can someone get me a towel?

Can someone get me a towel?

Rachel – Oh, here’s where the fun begins, as the men drink their share then share their crazy.  We’ll give you as much overview as you need so that we can get down to giving out some roses and sending some guys packing before they even get to unpack.  I’m saying First Impression rose goes to daddy Ben.  I really hope he’s not an ass.

Chris tells Des that she can give out as many roses as she wants during the cocktail party.  She doesn’t have to wait til the rose ceremony.  Seems Sean started a trend.  Personally, I’m not a fan of this, but the opportunity for drama is magnified if you start making the guys sweat early.  I get it.  The guys get it too.

Magic Nick tells everyone he’s going to do some magic and make Des disappear… and whisks her away for some one-on-one time.  Well played, sir.  Well played.  And the clothing aspect is going to get him even more points with Des, provided she likes magic.

Brandon swoops in & would like Nick to disappear for 5 minutes.  ha ha… Nice.  He’s there because he flipped a coin that told him to go to the audition instead of going to his birthday party.  The coin is his mom’s 7-months sober coin, which Des will give back to his mom during Hometown Dates.  OK, I like Brandon.   He’s a tad sappy, but I like.

The guys are going through the revolving door process but no one has managed to woo her enough for a rose.  Let’s see what Ben can do.  He tells Des that he was never married to the mother of his son, but they’re really good friends.  Interesting.  But he wants her to focus on him being family-oriented.  They both grew up camping and loving road trips.  Everyone hear that?  That’s the sound of me patting myself on the back for being right about the first rose.  The pressure’s on now boys!

Montage of men trying to get her attention… there’s some bad dancing, a star gift and the knight’s suit – though we’re down to just the helmet.  Now, it’s Zak, the shirtless wonder’s turn to turn her on.  He thinks it might be a good idea to take off more clothes.  No, son.  This is a bad move.  He jumps in the pool and ends up alone because another dude pulled Des away.  I’m not sure how that was supposed to show her you are serious?  But somehow that earns him a rose.  Color me surprised.  Honestly, it looked like she was grabbing the rose for someone else and gave it to Zak instead.  Bummer for the other dude.

Bryden gets a rose for being timid and cute.  And whoever’s tweet they just showed that said they should be the next Bachelor – give him a plate of chicken nuggets, you get a rose – gets my vote!  But now we’re in a full-blown soccer match with Juan Pablo, Des and the rest of the wolves that followed the scent outside.  Drew gets a rose too.  Larry moves in and tries to rectify his bad dance moves, but doesn’t really do much to better his chances with his bland banter.  I hope he’s a better doctor than he is a charmer.  Meanwhile, Nick R. gets a rose.

Wait, am I getting Punk'd again???

Wait, am I getting Punk’d again???

Jonathan is nervous about his Fantasy Suite entrance.  Not because it was bad, but because she might have forgotten that little bit of genius.  Yeah, she didn’t forget.  And you’re drunk.  This should be a mess.  He lights some candles and does some one-legged push-ups.  I’m not making this up.  This is getting him ready to get a “kiss on the mouth” from Desiree.  Yeah, you’re going to get a one-way ticket home, you moron.  He steals her away with another attempt at the Fantasy Suite joke.  She tells him AGAIN that she’s not interested.  So, they sit outside instead.  He tells her that he’s nothing like her last boyfriend… Sean.  He is less reserved and has no filter.  He thinks this is the time to do something crazy.  She is so clearly uncomfortable and wants to be anywhere but right there.  She tries to gracefully exit, but he isn’t taking the hint.  So, he walks her back inside.  He doesn’t get why she didn’t take his offer… His mom says he’s good looking.  Oy vey, someone put him a taxi now and put us all out of his misery.  But no, he steals Des away yet again to try and get her into his Fantasy Suite.  SERIOUSLY DUDE… what is wrong with you???? She is clearly not interested and she is telling you for the third time that she’s not interested.

Kasey also fails with another hashtag moment.  Yeah, there’s a seat in the taxi with your name on it too.  Des has had enough and Jonathan is sent packing.  Good move, girl.  That guy is a Level 5 creeper.  She gets a round of applause for that move.

Chris comes in and lets everyone know that this is a signal as to how she expects to be treated.  And with that, it’s time for her to ponder the rest of the roses.

Rose Ceremony

RoseCeremony9.1 Here we go with the first ceremony…

Already Have Roses – Mike, Ben, Zak, Drew, Bryden & Nick S

Got Roses – Brandon, Zack, Will, Brooks, Juan Pablo, Brad, Kasey, James, Robert, Brian (I swear she said Brain), Dan, Chris & Mikey

Going Home – Nick R, Larry, Mike R, Diogo, & Micah

Gone Home – Jonathan

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  She sent Dentist Mike home?  WTF?  That was a bad call.  But quite frankly, the guy to beat is Ben… Although after watching the previews, I’m thinking that we might have all gotten snowed.  And if so, then I’ll say Federal Prosecutor Mike or Painter Brandon look good to me… or I’m way off all the way around as I usually am and should stop making predictions right now.

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6 responses to “The Bachelorette Season 9, Episode 1: Meet the Men

  1. Okay, I’m almost twice their age, but I thought they were a bag of cheese balls. My gut instinct (I’ve seen so much smarmy creepy shit from men over the years) told me they were more or less immature galoots. I wasn’t impressed by a single meeting. As for the cute kid, I heard the warning signals that she didn’t while she was cooing over kid. Ben repeatedly said that his son was the most important person in his life. Yes, you created him and he should be; but should you be on a looking for love show if that’s the case? And he is still friends with the child’s mum. I would be RUNNING away from that picture. Yes Des, you are the third wheel in that picture, get it? He’s not able or willing to make you first in his world and he so much as told you. Many of the other men are CLEARLY not there for you Des. Self-promotion, misogynistic thrill, or fifteen-minute fame. Good luck sifting through the sleaze if you can Des. Mentioning that you felt your future husband was amongst these men scared me for you; or perhaps they are pretty much what you are used to or could expect in your life. Thank God you sent Larry the doc home; he had creep/lady parts in the attic written all over his eerie face. Tasers were invented just for men like him, shirtless Zak, and fantasy suite guy. I’m glad the promos vindicated my smug jaded world-weary cynicism; get out your taser and pepper spray Des, looks like getting rid of a few creeps wasn’t enough. You are still looking for love amongst bat-shit crazy. If I had to romance any of them, I might choose Dan or Chris tie shoe guy. Lame intro, but he doesn’t make my skin crawl the bad way. Good luck shoe tie guy. I swear we have a gay twink amid them. I won’t call him out, but I’ve way too many gay friends just like him (who just luv luv luv my dresses too). He still wins my heart, but who is fooling who? Juan Pablo is cute, yet I still felt that icky vibe. Some men just need to spend more time with their favorite person- no Des, not you. So there, I’ve said it. I’m rooting for Dan, Chris, and luv your dress guy.

    • 1000% with you Farrokh – I’d hop right back in my clunker and run for the hills. Though, we both also have brains that function. I wish her good luck though with that motley crew!

  2. Aww farrokh, of course they were all a bag of cheese balls. This is the bachelor/bachelorette franchise. If you’ve never seen this show in the past, set your bar Fairly low, and enjoy it for what it is. Although, I think Des was given Cinderella’s left overs.
    The only one I like (thus far) is Drew. I just want to give him a plate of cookies a glass of milk, and a big hug. What a cutie. He’s gone thru A lot in his 13 years (okay I’ll stop), but he still seems so young, considering what he’s been through.

    • Yes Heidi, true princes deserve a princess who would indeed do just as you say; cookies, milk, love and hugs. Sounds great to me. I believe those who can give love should be given that chance, but you are right, The Bachelor/ette is a masochistic way to find it. Lowered expectations. Let’s see how Drew, Dan, and Chris do. The others can take their clubs and knuckle-drag back to the cave.

    • “Cinderella’s leftovers” – there’s a chance I’m going to steal that one Heidi!

  3. I agree with Heidi; Des got a sleazy bunch of guys overall. Usually there are a number of good picks-not this time.

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