One Sentence Summary: It’s Heather’s return to TV… and humanity.
Rachel: Shouldn’t this week be called “Hot In Los Angeles”? I mean I get this show is about the OC, but Heather is shooting in LA and the whole crew is going with her. I’m also not sure how I feel about these women spending so much time in my old hood. There’s only so much room for Housewives in LA County and I’m pretty sure the Bev Hills bitches have that covered. So, after Heather gets her 15 minutes with the fabulous Betty White, I would like her, and the rest of the crew that for some reason has to go with her, to go back behind the Orange Curtain. Terry may feel differently about that, but until she changes that ‘tude, she’s all OC all the time. But I’m excited to see Laurie back tonight and hear all about her lifestyle of the rich and not-that-famous. Seriously, she gives me hope.
Rise & Shine
Rachel: Terry & Heather are getting the kids up at the ass crack of dawn for a reason I can’t quite understand. Do kids really need to be up at 6am for school? If so, this is a whole new cruel world that I’m glad was not in existence when I was a kid… or was it? Wait, what time did I have to be at school? Was it that early? I literally have no clue. Oh dear lord, I’m too old to remember high school. Sorry, I’m on the verge of another birthday so the aging process is a bit more sharply tuned this week.
I’m shocked. Heather makes it through an entire scene without scolding Terry. She realizes that she doesn’t have to solve all their problems right now. She just has to get through this taping. And Terry just needs to handle the household. Seems reasonable. Please don’t screw this up, Terry.
Band Of Black
Tamra is at a local jewelry store to pick out a wedding ring for Eddie. This should help him get into the wedding spirit. Ummm… if you say so. Forcing guys down the aisle is always a turn-on. Look, it’s Laurie! Whoops… Look, it’s Lauri! Was there always no “e” on the end or is she so rich now that she doesn’t need it? Has it really been 5 and a half years since Lauri and George got married? That’s insane… and just adding to my aging agida. What’s more insane is that they still haven’t taken a honeymoon. But I respect that it’s because of the kids. OK, she needs to stop talking… She’s just freaking me out. Ashley is 28 and Josh is married??? What the…
Talk to turns to Vicki and the fact that she & Tamra are no longer close. Tamra says it’s because of Brooks and Vicki always playing the victim. Well, she is especially good at it. Lauri is more than happy to throw her trash on the Vicki pile. She thinks Vicki sabotaged Simon & Tamra and George & her. Yeah, there’s definitely a lot of scorched earth to Vicki’s rear.
Here Comes Peter Cottontail
Yay! It’s Judy, Lydia’s mom! I love her. Lydia is making photo albums and going through old pictures, which leads to a conversation about mom’s darker times. She says she was smoking lots of weed back then. And now? Well…. She is only human after all. So, there have been a few puffs here and there, but never during the day or when she’s with the kids. That isn’t great news for Lydia who thinks mom is happy to smoke the rest of her life and die with that cough. Pretty perceptive there, kiddo. Lydia reminds her that she messed up her childhood… but she’s not judging her. Ha ha, right. Mom’s not buying it either. Judy is who she is, but Lydia just wants her to be healthy. Mom doesn’t want to be caged. Yeah, don’t clip Judy’s wings. Look, I get this was an issue for Lydia growing up, but she’s an adult now. Mom is who mom is. Let her live in the hippity hop land of the bunnies. I mean, have you seen the news lately? Sounds pretty great to me.
It’s All About Betty
Heather shows up for her table read and there’s Betty White! Does it get more fabulous than Betty? I think not. Heather is in her glory and she’s doing a great job. I will give her that. There’s the girl I remember liking from last season!
Hit the snooze button, everyone. It’s Alexis. I guess she got wind of Heather’s gig and now wants to act. She, apparently, was on General Hospital (that’s the other Winey Bitch’s domain & I’m a little ticked she didn’t mention it) and now has the acting bug. We get to see a clip of her “acting” on GH and well… stick with ribbon cutting.
The acting coaches ask Alexis what she thinks acting is and her answer is wrong. And as much as I hate to support anything she says, I kinda would have said that same thing she did. RJ, the letchy old acting coach, is happy to have Alexis be part of the school… based on looks alone. The younger, goateed, hipster acting coach is going along with it because there’s a camera in his face. You know he hates himself right now. But hey, she pulled up in a Rolls Royce, so at least they know her check won’t bounce… most likely.
Time for Terry to take the parenting bull by the horns and tend to his children. He thinks it’s time for a little loose parenting, as opposed to Heather’s “prim and proper” style. Heather thinks it will good for him to take care of the kids on his own. And by “his own”, she means “with a nanny”.
Heather is back in time for the morning routine. She gets the kids ready before she & Terry head to LA for her taping. Wait, so all that fighting was over him watching the kids, with a nanny, for like 4 hours? Seriously? Man, I need to get problems like this. I also need to get that awesome coffee machine that’s built into the wall. Not that I drink coffee… But Terry stepped up this morning and finally there are smiles in the Dubrow house. Mazel tov.
Slade & Gretchen are checking out of L’Auberge del Mar – a fancy hotel in the OC – where they have apparently spent the weekend for Gretchen’s birthday. On their way out, Gretchen gives the valet her ticket and up pulls a white Rolls Royce. What… the… Apparently, Gretchen is as confused as I am. Turns out that it’s a lease and it’s only a few hundred bucks more a month then her Mercedes was. Yes, that makes it a practical gift. Sooo, then we’re all paid up with the child support and are contributing to Grayson’s hospital bills, yes? YES??? My gut says no. So stupid. They’re just so stupid.
Shhh, Genius At Work
Alexis shows up to her acting class where they’re discussing what movies they’ve watched that week in order to study the craft. Alexis watched Billboard Dads with the Olsen Twins. Seems about her level. She does an acting exercise, gets critiqued and almost falls off of her 5-inch stiletto platforms. She makes it too easy. Far too easy.
It’s Gettin’ Hot In Here
Everyone heads up to LA in their respective limos. Lydia tells Tamra that her mom is a stoner and it’s stressing her out. Lord woman, enough already. You’ve survived, you’re thriving and you need to let it go.
They get to the taping and Vicki has to see Tamra for the first time. She’s prepared though and is not going to cry. Famous last words. But first, Heather has some scenes to shoot. Everyone’s there in support… Everyone except Slade & Gretchen. But even with two fans down, Heather nails it. She’s pretty darn good.
Gretchen & Slade finally show up, but then leave again to figure out something on their phones. Have I mentioned how much they suuuuuck? Thankfully though, their shenanigans didn’t ruin Heather’s night. Of course, we still have dinner.
And at this dinner, Gretchen announces the news. She now owns a Rolls. This is met with stunned silence from the table. Technically, it seems, Gretchen is the one that is buying the car. Slade just arranged it. Happy birthday! Vicki & Tamra exchange knowing glances. Ah, just the thing to bring old pals back together… the mutual dislike of another.
So is everything ok between them? Lydia would like to know. Why you gotta stir the pot? They’re sitting next to each other, with cutlery, and no one is bleeding. All is good. Leave it be. Vicki says they need to talk. Tamra says she’s sorry for calling her a bitch. Vicki is feeling like she was pushed out and all alone. But they make temporary amends and all’s well… minus the catty comment about Gretchen & Tamra having friendship bracelets. Vicki wants one too. I think first thing you should worry about getting is a better bra. Get the girls off your middrift, woman.
We end the night with a beautiful speech from Terry to Heather. And Heather saying she loves her husband. There is a light at the end of the dark tunnel for the Dubrows. And with that… confetti.
Rachel: Well, other than Gretchen & Slade, that was a pretty pleasant evening. I was hoping for a little more Lauri, but that’s ok. On a side note, is anyone else as horrified by Bravo’s latest endeavor, Princesses Long Island, as I am? This does not bode well for my people…