One Sentence Summary: The crew goes to Malibu to taste wine and once again disrespect the grape.
Rachel: I’m in NYC watching this week’s episode and wishing I was watching the New York Housewives. Just feels like it would be fun to watch the ladies in the city they call home. Then I could visit the places they go, take selfies and then post them for everyone. OK, I wouldn’t do that… well I wouldn’t post the pictures. But never mind that, we have some more Vicki & Tamra fighting to get to. Seriously, why do they even bother at this point? Besides, if Vicki disconnected from Tamra, she would be free to hang out with Alexis and give her something to do on the show other than hang out with Jim, thereby sparing us his mug every week. And then I could just fast forward through those parts or use them as breaks to go and pour myself some more wine. Seems like a win-win to me.
Grudge Be A Lady Tonight
Rachel: Oh joy, we start off this week with happy Heather. What’s she going to be bitching about this week? Ah, she’s still not liking her husband and she’s still mad about dinner. Good Lord, woman. Get over it. He apologized. He knows he was wrong. What else is he supposed to do? This might be a good time to channel some of the Bu in that Jew-Bu she’s alway talking about. Pretty sure incessant anger & grudge holding aren’t basic tenants of Buddhism. Heather just wants someone to co-parent with her and not be Good Time Charlie. Or Good Time Joe… I already don’t remember… but she’s not going to give him any slack on this one. Granted, it doesn’t help that as she is telling him that she needs his support, he’s still cracking jokes at her expense. Boy, he has a lot to learn about women. When we’re upset and not in the mood, we’re not in the mood. Period. Take it down a notch, Terry. I’m going to say that if this is his normal response to serious conversations, it probably would get old with me too.
A Different Kind Of ‘Bu
Time for the Malibu wine trip with the girls. Seems Tamra and Eddie aren’t in a loving mood either since lately Eddie would rather ride his bike than ride Tamra. She’s not interested in his apologetic advances in the back of the limo either. Boy, this has been a fun 8 minutes of TV. What’s next? Vicki & Brooks?
No, it’s Lydia and her husband who get to ride to LAX with the Bickersons, Heather & Terry, where they’ll pick up Vicki on their way to Malibu. This elicits yet another “woohoo” from Lydia. Yeah, let me know how thrilled you are after an hour in a car with the angry couple and Vicki, who thinks it sucks to be the single girl. Welcome to my world, Vicki. You’ll survive.
Tamra & Eddie pick up Gretchen & Slade who are ready to drink wine & play. Yeah, never mind the sick kid in New York. Out of sight, out of mind. I literally cannot stand the site of them anymore.
At the vineyard, the drinking begins with Chardonnay. Tamra throws most of hers over her shoulder, which I don’t know if it’s because she doesn’t like it or she’s done drinking it. Either way, very classy with the owners of the vineyard standing there. But what does she know? She’s not a sommelier or a “tammalier” for that matter. Yet, we should buy wine from you? Again, I ask, how do these two get a wine company and these here Winey Bitches do not? Life is cruel.
Next on the classy moves list is Vicki saying she is glad the gentleman and lady serving them the wine are father & daughter because she was worried he was really “robbing the cradle”. Awesome. Way to ingratiate yourselves with the hosts. Now try and negotiate a deal with the guy. I’m sure he’s going to give you a VERY special price. Wait, did she then just insult the daughter by saying she looks way older than 24, her actual age? Quick, someone get the tranquilizer gun! Wouldn’t that be awesome though? These ladies get unruly and some dude off-camera shoots them with a tranquilizer gun for sport. Now, that’s a show I’d watch.
Alexis and Jim head to the grand opening of their new trampoline business in San Diego. She’s so excited because her husband is such a business genius. Besides, it’s not like she would have gone wine tasting with the girls anyway… not that anyone asked.
At the opening, Alexis fulfills her spokeswoman duties. However, it seems she should have practiced her ribbon cutting duties. That took two tries. SMH.
Back to the wine outing. Why wasn’t Lydia’s mom invited, I want to know? She would have made this ten times more fun. Time to check into the hotel and Vicki is upset that she’s in a building by herself. Again, it sucks to be single and she hates it. She’s also now crying about it. Wow, I think Vicki could use a strong dose of therapy to work on that total inability to be alone. Tamra, being as sensitive as she is, calls Vicki out and wants to know why she’s crying. Vicki plays the ol’ dust in the eye routine, which I’m pretty sure no one has fallen for in the last century.
At dinner, Tamra thanks everyone for coming and helping taste the wines and supporting her biz. Oh yeah yeah yeah, Vicki too! She’s thankful too. Doug, Lydia’s husband, tastes the wine (and is the only one drinking wine as far as I can tell) and wonders who picked it. It was Tamra. He also thanks Tamra for the lovely day. Way to kiss up to the hostess. And since everyone is having a nice evening, this would be a great time for Slade to bring up Tamra’s opening party at her gym and note that this party is missing one certain element, which is also why everyone is getting along. Careful, Slade, your horns are showing. Lydia says Alexis isn’t an innocent, but everyone has their issues. Alexis is most hurt by Gretchen. Gretchen says then she should call her, especially in light of what she & Slade are going through right now. What you’re going through? Bitch, please.
Tamra, of all people, shifts the conversation away from Alexis and over to Heather’s role on Hot In Cleveland. Yeah, you’d think this is safe territory, wouldn’t you? Think again, lady. Think again. Tamra asks if she’ll get to make out with anyone. She won’t, but she has in the past, with tongue, which is not Terry’s favorite part of her job. Just don’t crack a joke, dude. Too late. You’re lucky you’re among friends and Heather has decided to shelve her erupting volcano of hate toward you.
Next up, Vicki and her vodka. Did we know Vicki was making her own vodka? I missed that memo. Oh, I guess Tamra didn’t know either until she heard it through the grapevine. Or potato-vine in this case. This is where Vicki is putting her energy because that’s where the money is. Good thing you discussed it with your business partner first… Oh wait. But Vicki, naturally, doesn’t see it that way. She can do whatever she wants and that’s how it goes. Well, unless you have an actual business agreement with someone that requires you to work.
Another Day In Paradise
Another beautiful meal in Malibu with the happy clan. Eddie & Slade are MIA on their bro bike ride. Tamra is annoyed and announces to everyone that Eddie won’t have sex with her before he rides. But he’s horny when he gets home. So, it’s still a win, I suppose. Well, not for me because I didn’t need that information.
Heather would like to give Tamra some advice about marriage and compromise. So would Terry… while Heather is talking. This elicits a snide comment from his wife and Terry reveals that he’s been in trouble lately for comments he’s been making. Well, let’s just air all our dirty laundry over Bloody Marys. Heather says she has accepted the apology, but wants to see behavior change. Tamra says maybe that’s just who he is. Not a sufficient answer, Tamra. Terry admits that he had enough of Heather being mad and said some things you can’t take back… like the world “divorce”. Well, there’s something the cameras missed. And Heather is about to use it herself if Terry doesn’t stop dumping all their private issues on the table. Vicki says that word isn’t something you use lightly. You can’t take it back. Yeah, I’m not married, but even I can figure out that threatening divorce as a fight tactic might not be a smart move if you actually don’t want to get divorced. Well, yet another piece of the puzzle that explains the tensions in the Dubrow household.
Eddie & Slade finally show up after everyone’s done eating, but Eddie still wants to still eat breakfast. Tamra says ok but to please hurry up since everyone is waiting. Yeah, skip out on breakfast and then make everyone wait for you. Wow, you’re becoming quite the “diva Housewife” yourself there Eddie. Tamra feels like Eddie is so committed to riding his bike but won’t commit to their wedding. Yeah, I have to admit that I’m starting to think Eddie might be suffering from a case of cold feet… And sweaty balls. Sorry, I can’t stand looking at dudes in bike shorts after a ride, no matter how hot they are. Ick.
No You Suck
The crew heads to Sip to do more wine tasting. How have I never been there? Must add to list. As Tamra tastes wine and discusses price points, Vicki shops for coats. But that doesn’t make Tamra a better businessperson than Vicki. At least according to Vicki. Um, I’m going to say that it might actually make her a better businessperson in this case. I mean I’m thinking it would be helpful to actually taste the wine and give some feedback before throwing a statement like that into the universe, Vicki. But she has a dinner in LA so there’s no time for that nonsense. And with that, Vicki’s out.
Tamra’s had enough of the slacking and follows Vicki out of the store. Well, at least they actually walked out of a place of business to have a fight for a change. Tamra thinks Vicki should stay. Vicki thinks she should attend to her plans. Tamra would just like Vicki to engage in the business. Lydia & Doug, sensing the impending explosion, duck for cover and go back into the building. Good call, Lydia. Learning early. For that, I grant you one “woohoo” sans eye roll from me. Just one!
And so it begins… Tamra says if this were Vicki’s Vodka she’d be engaged. Hey, Vicki’s been doing things for Wines For Wives that Tamra can’t see and it’s Tamra that’s not performing. Oh that’s awesome. I will have to use that “things you can’t see” excuse in a business meeting. Somehow I think my partner will ask me the obvious “Like what?” question, which will render this line of arguing moot. But in the world of Tamra, it provokes the much more mature response of “You’re such a bitch, Vicki.” Their board meetings must be spectacular.
Vicki thinks Tamra needs to go get some happy. Uh, she just walked back into the tasting room, so methinks she is pretty much in the center of a whole lot of happy. Lydia & Doug and Heather & Terry now need to decide if they’re going to get in the limo with Vicki and head out or stay and drink more wine. (Psst – wine is always the answer.)
Inside, wine pourer guy (official title) agrees with Tamra and thinks Vicki wasn’t engaged either. Granted, he’s trying to sell some wine so I think he’d probably tell Tamra whatever she wanted to hear at this point. Terry & Heather have chosen to stay and have a few moments on their own. Terry wants to know if they’re “ok”. The proverbial “ok” which translates to “Exactly how mad at me are you and how long will I be in the doghouse?” He feels horrible that he shared all their business with her friends, but he wanted to own his mistake. So, he’s sorry… again. She thinks it reopened the wound, but she knows he loves her. It’s just that his words were punitive (love that she used that word) and meant to hurt her. That’s what’s hard to take. They agree to hit the pause button and revisit it after she has her Hot In Cleveland moment. Awesome, Lord knows I could use a break. Of course, that is not great news for Terry who now gets to sit and wait for the return of the beast. Godspeed, sir.
Vicki’s back at work and getting a visit from Troy & Briana. Vicki fills Briana on the Malibu sitchmo. Vicki feels like she was overpowered by Tamra and didn’t get to do any business. She doesn’t know why she was met by anger when Tamra could have said thank you for staying 2 extra hours. Look, I know you had dinner plans for 3 months but you weren’t really at all interested in the business going on when you were there. You might want to not fall on your sword on this one.
Not My Problem
Eddie & Tamra hit up a sushi bar and so a little sake sake. Wait, aren’t there carbs in sake? But that’s not important because the fitness studio is behind schedule. And she is slammed with the two businesses. She wants to hear what Eddie thought about the Malibu trip. He said that he would have had a better time and done less biking if it were just them and the Dubrows. He doesn’t really dig on the whole crew. Ahhh… so you bike to get away and because you don’t like what’s going on with Tamra’s friends? So, that’s the guy version of witholding sex? Got it. And he thinks it’s stupid to be partners with Vicki. Sage advice. Tamra thinks she doesn’t handle her anger with Vicki well because she holds everything in and then explodes. Change “Vicki” to “everyone” and “everything” to “nothing” and you’re correct. Tamra grew up in a house where you never talked about emotions so it’s really hard for her. It’s hard for her to express her feelings because she doesn’t know how. And that makes her the bitch. Yes. Yes, it does. Here’s an idea: therapy.
Rachel: Oh boy, Laurie is back next week! I’m kind of excited. I liked her. It’ll be great to catch up and get catty. Meow.