What Would Ryan Lochte Do – Season 1, Episode 2

One Sentence Summary:  Ryan goes to DC and bring his mom & some jumpy bananas.

I believe the children are the future...

I believe the children are the future…

My Thoughts:  

Rachel:  I can’t believe I’m actually watching this again.  I guess part of me finds it impossible to believe this kid is a total bubblehead, yet has been asked to testify in front of Congress.  Then again, I’m not really sure how much thinking is actually going on in our Congress in general at this point… but that’s for another blog I have yet to start.  In the meantime, let’s watch the producers spend 30 minutes setting Ryan up in situations meant to serve no other purpose than to make him look dumb.  Bless you, producers.  Bless you.

Mr. Lochte Goes To Washington

Rachel:  We open this week getting the philosophy behind Ryan cutting his hair.  See, long hair don’t care.  But short hair will get girls to go “dayuuuum”.  And you

Long hair don't care

Long hair don’t care

thought all that hotness just happened?  Oh no, there is deep thinking there.

Now, that the ‘do is fresh, it’s time to go drunk golfing with his personal assistant and Lochertage President, Gene.  It’s a bromance made in heaven.  BFFs for life.  It has nothing to do with the fact that Gene is getting paid.  Nothing at all.  About Ryan’s golfing skills… Let’s just say Ryan is as good at golf as he is at complex math problems.

Ryan tells Gene that he’s excited to go to DC for an event for a charity that is very close to him – Parent Project Muscular Dystrophy.  We do not know why it’s close to him other than he went to DC in 2008 and talked to a bunch of senators about it.  Thanks.  We do know that he thinks that the girls in DC are going to be really smart.  But he’s not picky.  Yeah, well if they’re as smart as you say they are, they probably will be… picky, that is.  Perhaps they’ll be turned on by his tales of neon piss.  Yes, as Ryan pees on the golf course, he graciously informs us that his pee is neon, which according to Gene means he’s having too much sex.  Naturally, this elicits a “Jeah!” from Ryan… and a deep sigh from me.

Time for Ryan to get fitted for a suit for his trip to DC.  He brought his mother with him, who is displeased that she has to look at her son in boxer briefs.  She thinks it’s inappropriate.  Then leave the room.  Kind of a simple fix, I’m thinking.  You have a choice.  Those of us at home, on the other hand, are stuck being assaulted with crotch shots.  What’s that?  I could look away?  Well yeah, that’s true, but let’s be honest, that’s probably one of the least offensive parts of Mr. Lochte.  We finally find out that he’s going to DC to lobby for more funding for research on the disease that took the life of his uncle’s brother.  I’m going to assume that that wasn’t also Ryan’s uncle.  He can’t be that dumb, right?

Mom wants to know if he’s written his speech yet.  Ryan is going to “wing it”.  Oh this is going to be genius.  Mom doesn’t think that’s such a good idea.  Shut it, Mom.  Let the kid wing it.  That’s a whole lot of potential amazingness.  Back home, his brother & Gene also think maybe Ryan should write a speech before he goes.  People, stop!  If the Titanic is meant to hit the iceberg, let it hit the iceberg.

Um, I don’t really need a lesson on how to pronounce Jeah.  Let’s move on.  And I also don’t need a reenactment of him peeing in the pool.

As we tour DC with the Lochtes, Ryan tells us that Lincoln is his favorite President because he rocked a top hat and has mad swag.  Never mind ending slavery.  That’s got nothing on the hat.  This brings us to another touching moment of Ryan being proud to represent America in the Olympics.   He can’t quite put it into words.  Not a surprise here.  Seriously the longest 30 minutes on television.

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

Time for a little booze break with mom & some conversating with the ladies.  Ryan sits down with our 3 plants… er, I mean totally random women that just happen to make conversation about Obamacare, carbon emissions and legislative roadblocks in the first 60 seconds of meeting someone.  Again, not mad as it’s truly funny to watch the smoke coming out of Ryan’s ears as he tries to keep up, but couldn’t they at least tried to play it off a little bit?  Ryan is a swimmer who really only thinks about the pool and his charity.  Not politics.


And you thought there was nothing but air between his ears.

OK, hold on… I’m actually doubled over in laughter here.  Apparently, our friend Ryan has a tendency to lose focus midway through a story and blank out.  When asked why that happens, he explains that sometimes something will pop up in his head and it can be, like, the weirdest thing… like all of a sudden he’ll have a jumping banana in his head which makes him stop, pause and think “Damn, that jumping banana’s in my head again.”  OMG, I’m crying.  Jumping banana… Bwahahaha… Breathe.  Breathe… Must breathe.

Time for Ryan’s speech… that he still hasn’t written.  First, he has to figure out how to tie a tie.  Then we can get back to the speech.  Ryan has made some bullet points with some… um… jumping banana attack!  Oh yeah, facts.

A break from the sarcasm:  Seeing the kids with MD hanging out with and hugging Ryan actually makes me a little misty.  Sweet kids.  Breaks my heart.

Here we go… He actually did a good job with his speech.  And I’m still having a moment about all the sweet kids that are in that room suffering from such a horrible disease.  Can it be that WWRLD is swimming in the deep end of the thought pool tonight?  Sadly not for more than a moment as we flash to Ryan patting himself on the back for his speech-writing skills.  Whew, I almost got sucked in.  That was close.

Nice moment.  Bad hat.

Nice moment. Bad hat.

Ryan & mom return to Florida and meet back up for some lunch.  What is Ryan wearing on his head?  No no, take the knit cap off and leave it in the next trash receptacle you pass.  Drop the necklace in too while you’re at it.  Aw, the kid bought his mom a car.  OK, another point for Ryan.  I think we’re at 3 total.

Bottom Line:  So, we got a little more depth from Ryan today.  Don’t get too excited, our head is still above water.  I mean… jumping banana.


2 responses to “What Would Ryan Lochte Do – Season 1, Episode 2

  1. Love it! I have been trying to gather my thoughts (increasingly difficult lately) on WWRLD and this really helps. I can’t look away when this kid is on TV. I made some notes on my phone while watching the show and one was “uncle’s brother???” Haha! I mean, Ryan: really?? And there is NO way he wrote that speech. Is there? It seems impossible. He’s kind of the male version of Suzanne Somers…

    • I can’t imagine the kid wrote that speech without help but it’s not like he used super big words… so maybe? I just can’t stop laughing about the jumping banana. WTF??? And you so nailed it with Suzanne Somers.

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