One Sentence Summary: Someone thought it was a good idea to give Ryan Lochte a TV show (and it wasn’t me).
Rachel: OK, I’m finally finding the strength to press play on my DVR and watch what I can only imagine is a major train wreck. I saw the previews and my first reaction was “Dear God, no.” My second reaction was “Oh, this might be genius.” But my reaction will definitely never be “Jeah!” which is apparently Ryan’s catchphrase. I’m thinking this might be the first and last review of this show on Two Winey Bitches. Thankfully, the show is only 30 minutes long. At least E! got that part right. Ok, let’s meet the himbo.
Shh Baby, Don’t Talk
Rachel: My first observation as we meet Mr. Lochte is that he sounds drunk. You know someone is a special kind of dumb when they sound drunk even when they’re sober. As we get to know him, he tells us that he is passion is fashion. He has designed all kinds of items, including the Lochte shoe. You know,
so Ryan Lochte is walking everywhere. He thinks everyone should have the Lochte Edge. Too bad he doesn’t actually know what that is exactly. Well, I’m sold! sign me up! Sounds like a good use of my time.
Jeah! No, I can’t hear this all season. How does that become his trademark? He has no idea and again he has no idea what that means. Wow, thankfully this guy is quick in the pool, because he’s slower than molasses on dry land. I’d hate to see him try to walk and chew gum at the same time.
Oh yay! More Lochte terminology getting dropped on us. Lochterage – This is his entourage better known as The Lochte Nation. They’re dedicated to “turning it up” at all times. This group of hanger-ons includes a few guys, lots of girls and his brother, Devon, with whom he lives, because it’s so much fun. Sounds like this branch of the family tree isn’t exactly earning a Mensa membership either. Devon is scared of skinny jeans. Well, I don’t necessarily disagree with him there.
Ryan knows that he has been called a douchebag in the press, but he doesn’t know what douchebag actually means. Of course he doesn’t. Cut to him holding up a $200k watch. Yeah, hard to do the math there. But it’s all good because being him is fun. And he has to party, because just swimming would be boring. That’s why the Lochterage is hanging at his house helping him have some fun. Alyssa, one of the female Lochteragees, is giving him the “I’m drunk and I’m easy” eyes. She’s a ballet dancer. She demonstrates this by barely managing to stand on her toes and falling into the refrigerator. Our resident party boy is not impressed. She will not be experiencing the Lochte Edge this evening.
Time to take the party and “turn it up” at the local cantina. Seriously? This guy is one big walking, talking cliche. Luckily, women just come to him. He doesn’t have to go out looking. But even though there are millions of women out there, he just wants one. And the one he picked for tonight, Megan, is getting dinner tomorrow. I don’t imagine she’s getting much else. Well, she might get one other thing.
By the way, Ryan Lochte doesn’t remember how many Olympic medals he has… Why didn’t Michael Phelps get a show?
Time to go bowling with the Lochte family. Oh great, it’s the sister that insulted the entire Asian population on a talk show (click here if you missed that gem). But family means the world to him. We actually get real emotion from him as he remembers seeing his family in the stands when he won his first medal at the 2004 Athens Olympics. Cherish this moment, people. There won’t be many.
Back at bowling, his older sister, Kristin, is giving Ryan shit because she hasn’t been able to meet & approve of the women he’s been dating. The family would like to see him with Jaimee, who lives in London. She & Ryan have been seeing each other on & off for … hold on, Lochte brain doing math… wait… it’s coming… 4 years. But he won’t do long-distance.
Time for the date with Megan. Should be good. Wonder why they blur out the Maserati logo. I mean we all know it’s a Maserati, right? Maybe the company doesn’t want to be associated with this clown. Anywho, he takes the girl for sushi, which she’s never had before. She also doesn’t know what a wonton is. Say what? How is that even possible? Ryan tells her he’s looking for a girl to share his life with, someone that will be his best friend. She says he has nice eyes. Wow, she might actually be a dimmer bulb than he is. The good news is that she makes him laugh, which is the quickest way to his heart. Is there hope? Sadly no. This love connection isn’t meant to be, as Megan is moving to Los Angeles. There will be no jeah in Jeahville tonight.
It’s family time again and Ryan tells us that his older sisters have families of their “owns”. Face palm. But tonight they are together for movie night. Ryan wants to watch “What Woman Want” with Mel Gibson. And yes, I realize it’s
“What WOMEN Want”, but Ryan didn’t get that memo. It’s only his favorite movie. You know, because if he could read women’s minds, he’d be much better off. His sisters think they can help his love life and their first piece of advice is to stop taking girls to the same restaurant. Girls talk and they’ll find out he’s taking them all on the same date. He doesn’t get it. It might be the same restaurant but it’s a different girl, so how is it the same date? Anyone else just hear the air swoosh right through his ears?
Time for Ryan to pay up on a bet he lost to his brother; detailing his car with a toothbrush. Ryan is happy to oblige… with his brother’s toothbrush. OK, he gets a point for that…. Just one.
Bottom Line: Wow. Dumb like stump. Next week he gets hit with some political questions by girls in a DC bar, in what is clearly a set-up to play up the HIMBO status. I approve.