One Sentence Summary: Will she or won’t she: Does Tamra say hello to Vicki?
Rachel: I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel fully recovered from last week’s introduction to Vicki’s new face. I know… It’s her face. She can do what she wants with it. And I absolutely agree… BUT (you knew there was a but coming) that doesn’t mean I won’t have a reaction to it. The way my family reacts to “another tattoo” is the way I react to “another plastic surgery” – with resignation and a defeated “Why?” Look, you are free to let your freak flag fly and do to your body what you want, but you have to be prepared for the gasps and whispers from those around you; especially when those around you are an international viewing audience. It’s just so… severe. And that’s the nicest thing I can say at this point. Maybe when the swelling goes down…
The Party – Part Two
Rachel: We’re back at Heather’s clam bake and Vicki’s arrival waiting to see how she & Tamra react to each other. Aaaaand it’s cordial. She comes over and actually hugs Gretchen & Tamra. Gretchen & Tamra do the perfunctory questioning about life as a grandmother. It’s an awkward detente. Granted, they’re all on the their first drinks so I’m sure how sustainable it will be. Cheers!
Oh well, that was fast. No sooner has Vicki turned her back on the blonde duo, the chatter about her face begins. They wonder why she hasn’t said anything when it’s so obvious. Yeah it is obvious, but at the same time, who announces it? It’s like if someone has a prosthetic leg. Everyone sees it, but no one is going to point it out; least of all the person wearing it. Well, unless your name is Aviva Drescher. Then you figuratively beat everyone over the head with it. Just smile politely, drink your champagne and move along little doggies.
Vicki is sure they’re whispering about her, but she’s just proving all the “Miss Piggy” sayers wrong. Um, that would be Slade and please stop insinuating that you had plastic surgery because of something that cretan said. I want to believe that’s not the case. Heather would like Tamra to stop talking about it. It’s private and something you don’t discuss. See. And Terry says asking a woman about plastic surgery is like asking your wife if she’s gained weight. You just don’t do it. You’re a wise man, Terry. Very wise. Now, stop asking for onion rings and you may live to see another carb-free day.
Since we can’t gossip about Vicki’s face per the hostess’s request, let’s move on to her fake break-up with Brooks. Gretchen would like to hire a private detective to find out if Vicki’s lying. Sweetie, maybe you should worry less about Vicki and more about the fact that you can’t eve make your own coffee in the morning.
How many times are we going to hear about Tamra owning 51% of the gym she’s opening with Eddie? I don’t even want to think about it. Eddie leaves the clam bake to go to a city council meeting to get a sign-off on the new business. That’s his job as the minority owner. Lord, you have the patience of Job, Eddie. Granted, I have no idea what the story of Job is or why he’s the one with the patience, but I like how it sounds.
Finally, it’s time for the awkward dinner. As if Tamra & Vicki across from each other isn’t enough, Heather wants to know if Tamra & Eddie have set a date. They have not. And the “well why nots” start flying. She will start planning in a few weeks when they get their business license… Maybe. Seems Eddie may have another feeling about that. Anyone else hear a Charlotte-York-esque chorus of “Set the date!” coming our way?
I do love that Vicki just asked where the onion rings were. Amazing. And then Gretchen asks Vicki where Brooks is. You know, because in this situation, onion rings and Brooks are equally volatile subjects. Vicki says they’re on a break. “But I thought you were totally in love with him,” says Gretchen in such a bitchy tone that I want to jump through the TV and punch her. Vicki doesn’t flinch. She says she does but it got to be too much. Now, we have Gretchen telling us how Vicki loves to make up convoluted stories. What was convoluted about that? Do you actually even know what convoluted means? Man, I really can’t stand Gretchen right now. Vicki asks her how she got through it with Slade. Gretchen says that she loved him enough that it didn’t matter what anyone else said. She finds it interesting that she & Vicki have traded places. Then she defends Tamra’s behavior from last season. She was just being protective of her friend.
This brings us to the friend or foe moment with Vicki and Tamra since Tamra is sitting across the table listening to every word. They talk about what went down last year, while Heather’s head turns back & forth like she’s at Wimbledon. You know she’s thinking, please don’t embarrass me. Tamra apologizes for being insensitive to Vicki over her new friendship with Gretchen. Vicki says she wasn’t there for her. This sends Tamra into tears and running from the table. Oh sweet drama. Heather follows her and tells her that they don’t have to do this here and no one has to be completely right or wrong. This translates to “Please don’t embarrass me further.”
Outside, Vicki tells Gretchen that Tamra’s mean when she gets mad. Inside, Heather says Tamra has the chance to show she’s not the hotheaded girl that blows out when she’s mad. Sensing a theme here… Too bad a leopard doesn’t change its spots. I can present a bevy of ex-boyfriends as proof of that.
Dance Dance Revelation
So since Alexis doesn’t have any friends, does that mean we have to have a season full of Jim? Please say it isn’t so. But I think it is so. They’re having date night and going to dance classes. She says that no one knows that last year they were having financial issues because he lost a lot of money on a house. Um, everyone knew. But somehow her being busy working made it impossible for her to fix it for him. So, that’s why she quit Fox Five and cut back on Alexis Couture. Let me see if I understand this… You guys were having money issues and you working to bring money in was a bad idea because you were better served serving your husband??? Alrighty then. But now they’re happier and stronger than they’ve ever been. Gag.
Wait, why do Heather & Terry have platinum records in their rec room? What did I miss? Anyway, the sun was setting on the clam bake – literally – so Heather moved the party inside. Meanwhile, poor Terry is still getting browbeaten for not appreciating Heather’s catered food. Lighten up, Francis. It’s a dessert. Who cares if it was store bought or homemade if it’s delicious. Besides, you didn’t make it so it’s pretty much the equivalent to store bought.
Tamra gets the news that her fitness club was approved making her an official 51% business owner. Vicki congratulates her. Tamra invites her to workout. Vicki requests that Tamra be nice to her. Jesus, Vicki. Why can’t any of these women just let shit go and enjoy a moment? Vicki says she’s always nice. HA! But this is a deeper conversation that should be had somewhere private… So the two of them step into the wine cellar. Um, I doubt I could concentrate surrounded by that much wine.
They talk about how Vicki is unhappy because she can’t be with the man she loves. Tamra says if she loves him she should stand behind him? Huh? What? But he calls out your evil eye! They don’t want a man to come between them… unless their name happens to be Brooks, or Simon… or Eddie? They’re both sorry and with that friendship is back. Well, a friendship fully devoid of trust of each other.
Meanwhile, Gretchen is on the phone telling Slade that Vicki is a liar. Someone scared they’re about to lose their BFF? And in the limo with Tamra, she makes sure Tamra knows that Vicki is a liar. You know, in case there’s any mistaking whose side she’s supposed to be on. I mean they’re wearing matching outfits!!!
My goodness, can’t we all just get along? Yeah, I just laughed at that too. The real question is why everyone is fighting over Tamra? Was I absent that day in friendship class? I’m pretty sure anyone that can say the things she says to her “friends” isn’t really worth the drama. Call me crazy. Right, you already do.
Bouncing All The Way To The Bank
So now, Jim & Alexis are going to the gym together. Oh sorry, it’s their new indoor trampoline park, Sky Zone. The entrepreneurs strike again. If there’s a business to start, they’ve started it. But this new business is a blessing. And don’t ya know, she’s the spokesperson for Sky Zone, which in case you were wondering, means she speaks about Sky Zone. I mean the knowledge this chick drops on us weekly is mind blowing. I can’t tell you how much I love how Bravo rolled tape on her terrible attempts at being a Fox host as she tells us she wasn’t fired. She was great at the job. Then Alexis tells us that this venture is going to be wildly successful and she’s going to laugh all the way to the bank. And yet, all the women were wrong when they accused her of being money obsessed. Where would they get that idea?
Ack, Slade. Ack, Slade’s radio show. Ack, Slade’s radio show dissing on Vicki’s plastic surgery calling her a Muppet and Mickey Rourke. This guy sucks. Look, I know I gasped at the surgery. Questioned it’s attractiveness. Maybe referred to it being drag queenish… Ok, I guess I suck too. But can we please agree that Slade is suckier that I am? Pretty please?
Gretchen stops by the studio and thinks “Little Radio Slade” is soooo cute. So, I guess she’s no longer referring to him as a fat guy. Now it’s “little”. She should write a book about building the self-esteem of the one you love. But it’s all good because she can marry him now that he’s making money. Hey, it’s your funeral… I mean wedding.
Vicki is redoing her house and I gotta say I’m liking it so far. Digging the dining room painting. Now, this is a revamp I can get down with.
OK, Briana’s baby boy is so damn cute. However, he’s not super thrilled about the construction… so says Briana. She’s over the whole renovation. Um, so then maybe find your own apartment? Methinks (meknows) when you’re taking up residence in someone else’s house, you grin & bear it.
Eddie & Tamra discuss the conversation she had with Vicki at Heather’s party. Tamra feels like Vicki is family, which makes her want to work on their friendship. Eddie also thinks Vicki is lying about Brooks. This is confusing to me. Who lies about breaking up with someone while they’re living their life on TV? Well, according to Eddie, Vicki does, because she’s a cheat, a liar, and a deceiver. How do you really feel? He would recommend her not becoming friends with Vicki again. He would like her to protect herself. Yeah, but she has 51% of the decision making so it doesn’t matter what Eddie thinks.
Rachel: So, there’s a temporary peace in the OC. But Alexis is about to be thrown back in the mix, so enjoy the silence while you can. It won’t last much longer.