One Sentence Summary: One marriage is over while one is renewed.
Rachel: Well kiddies, we made it to the end. We may have a few more emotional bruises from it, but we’re here. I never thought this day was going to come. I’m just sad that they’re serving up with a heaping side dish of Faye. Who green lit this shit idea? They should be on notice that this could single-handedly be one of their worst ideas ever. And by ever, I mean you’re an idiot. Talk about someone who needs a really hard dose of “those who live in glass houses.” If it weren’t so obnoxious and self-serving, I would find her whole holier-than-thou routine amusing. But I’m not laughing. I’m crying into my glass of wine… and no one likes a salty glass of wine. So, let’s see what the ladies choose to leave us with and raise a glass to surviving another season with our Beverly Hills Housewife.
For Better or Worse… Or Until You Get On My Nerves
Rachel: We start with the genius that is The Richards Sisters. They still haven’t quite figured out what is going on with the priest and the giant heart altar at the ANNIVERSARY/Housewarming party Lisa & Ken are throwing. How hard is it to put that math problem together, Sherlock?
In a relatively more intellectual conversation, Yolanda & Brandi tell Lisa about what went down with Faye. Kick her ass out Lisa. Now. Do it. Marisa is called over and she says that Faye was backing up Marisa. Marisa, no. Come on. Yolanda also thinks that’s a giant load of BS and calls her on it. Thank you, Yolanda. Yolanda should be crowned Queen of all the housewives. I don’t really know what that crown would earn you, but I hereby bestow it on Yolanda. Marisa finally owns her part in the whole mess, but remains firm in the fact that her marriage is happy and she just says what other wives think. Uh, sure. And yes, Brandi you do give shitty advice. Perhaps you should stop. Know your limits.
And in yet another pocket of lady drama, Taylor & the ex-Mrs. David Foster are having themselves a moment. First, may I say that Taylor & Linda are like plastic surgery horror stories; especially standing together. Taylor is still having a hard time hanging out with Yolanda because of her loyalty to Linda. Linda, on the other hand, couldn’t care less. OK, so Linda doesn’t have an issue so why are you still harboring ill will. And why didn’t you just ask her how she felt when you found out Yolanda was joining the cast? Wait, is she really crying over this? No one’s upset, crazy. This girl is a mess.
Faye & Lisa are now talking and Faye tells Lisa that Brandi is just her mouthpiece. She’s really the mastermind behind all of Brandi’s nasty comments about Adrienne. Oh no she did not. Is this bitch really calling Lisa out in her own home? Someone deal with her, please! How is she allowed to enter my home on a weekly basis? Besides the obvious, people. And I love that Fay thinks that’s not an insult. You know, because she wouldn’t insult Lisa in her own home… except that’s exactly what she just did. Faye seems to be delusional enough to call herself the voice of justice. She’s just defending those that can’t defend themselves. Here’s an idea. How about you volunteer for an animal shelter? I’m pretty sure Adrienne Maloof is quite capable of defending herself. Brandi, Yolanda & Jenn roll up to see what Faye is stirring up this time. Of course Kyle just sits back and enjoys the scenery, because the reality is that Faye is just Kyle’s mouthpiece. G’damn, I love me some Yolanda. She just put Faye in her place. It’s about time. Take her down! Call her out on her hypocrisy. Unfortunately, Faye won’t be stopped until someone throws some Holy Water on her and she disintegrates like the Wicked Witch of the West Coast. And now she’s attacking Brandi’s mothering skills. How is she still at this party? Lisa, I’m so disappointed in you.
Instead of kicking Faye out, Lisa goes to Kyle and tells her that Faye insulted her in her own home. And Kyle does… nothing. Of course she doesn’t. She can’t bawl out Faye because then no one will be around to do her dirty work. But Kyle, are you really going to go so far as to defend Faye? Of course you are. Well, like they say, “birds of a feather…” And don’t give us this crap about you not wanting to get involved in other people’s business. You do nothing but get in other people’s business. It’s exactly who you are no matter how many times you tell us otherwise.
As if there isn’t enough drama in the room, Kim gets upset when Kyle says that Brandi hurt Adrienne. Um no, seems Kim is pretty sure Brandi hurt her the most. Wait, what? Why is this even relevant? Oh, I see. Brandi calling Kim a meth addict destroyed her life. Um, first of all Kim, your life wasn’t destroyed. Second of all, if it were, it would have been because you were wasted out of your skull 99.9% of your waking hours. You are the addict. You almost destroyed your life. You almost killed yourself. Not Brandi. Not even Kyle. Just you. I’m thinking it might be time to own that, you self-righteous loon. Yeah, I’m taking everyone down tonight.
As we finally experience a ray of sunshine as Pandora & Jason talk about love with Lisa, Adrienne arrives. Wow, Adrienne has some serious cajones walking into this party. Why on earth would you show up to a party when you’re in this state of mind? I don’t get these women. Call your friends to come to your home privately. Don’t show up at a party and make it your shrink’s office, which is exactly what she does thanks to Kim & Kyle rushing to her side in tears. Adrienne tells them it’s hard to be away from Paul, but they came to a point where they had to take a break. She got served with separation papers tonight and she’s just a mess. I’m with Ken who finds it rude to walk into someone’s home on their anniversary and not even acknowledge them. I mean really Adrienne? You can’t even say hello to the host and hostess? Back at the “it’s all about me” pity party, Adrienne says that kids just want her to be there with her… and so you thought it would be wise to leave them for a party? Um, Faye? Can we talk parenting skills now?
Meanwhile, Yolanda wonders why Adrienne and Paul can’t keep it between the two of them. The question of the century, Yolanda. Question of the year. Though I’m pretty sure the answer is something like, “Because they’re self-centered, self-serving ass hats.” Just guessing.
Wait wait wait… Did Adrienne just leave the party without even acknowleding the host or hostess and then have the audacity to call the Lisa cold? Right, because showing up to someone else’s party to get some pity from your friends isn’t the epitome of self-centered? It is but consider the source. I think my favorite part is that Miss I-don’t-get-involved Kyle brings Lisa a message from Adrienne wishing her the best, as if that makes crashing her party and ignoring her OK. I just have to shake my head.
Well here’s a little interesting nugget… Seems Paul & Adrienne made it through 9 years of marriage. Had he lasted one more year, he would have stood to make a lot more off of the prenup. Damn, must have been a special kind of sucky to bail before the money clause kicks in.
After all the drama, Lisa feels strange about renewing her vows. She feels like it’s taken a back seat to crying, screaming & bickering. Noooooo!!!! Do not let these assholes ruin your night! Take back your party! Do not let them win! This is Sparta!!!! Sorry… went into battle mode. These women are rubbing off on me. Brandi, amazingly the voice of calm & reason, talks Lisa into renewing her vows tonight, and she gets many points for that. With that, the vows are officially renewed in a beautiful ceremony. She really looks beautiful and so in love with her husband. To be that much in love at all, let alone after 30 years, is a beautiful thing. I’m jealous. I am. I want that. Anyone out there wanna give me that? I’m taking offers. BTW, anyone spy that bananas rock on her hand? Yeah, I’ll take that too!
And with the cutting of the cake, we get our cast updates…
Lisa – As we know, she is doing Dancing With the Stars.
Kyle – Her store thriving down the street from Villa Blanca, though she & Lisa don’t do lunch. She is still a giant asshole. (That last part might be my own addition.)
Yolanda – She was diagnosed with Lyme disease, but is getting treatment & getting stronger. – Wait, that was her not at full strength? Dayum.
Adrienne – Paul and Adrienne have moved on. He with Miss Nevada and she with Rod Stewart’s son. – What a cliche.
Taylor – She is madly in love with her attorney friend who isn’t quite divorced yet. – Season 4 storyline in the making.
Brandi – She had a 40th birthday party at Sur. Paul was welcomed. Adrienne was not invited. – Awesome.
Kim – Kim & Kyle were a team on a celebrity diving show. They came in last as a team. – How did I miss this? And that must have been amazing watching Kim dive off a high board.
I’m already exhausted.
OK, here we go… Adrienne isn’t participating because the year has been hard on her. Whatever. She’s not participating because she talks about people not to them. Wait, so we’re pretending none of us know what the big secret is? I’m confused because the news hit the press long before this was filmed. Whatevs, seems no one is super thrilled she bailed. Andy says that her final act as a Housewife is not showing up. Kyle thinks it’s sad because you have a sisterhood with each other. Yes, the Sisterhood of Back Stabbery. How can you get litigious over privacy issues when you signed on the dotted line to be public? Oh wait, so now everyone thinks she didn’t handle things properly?
Adrienne vs Brandi – The Radar Online stories prompted her to fight back. Kim didn’t expect A & P to react the way they did. Kim had a skeleton Season 1. She was scared every single day. But it was for Adrienne to decide not Brandi. Paul apologized to Brandi. Same shit happened to him about his fathering skills. Adrienne came on the show to buy fame.
Montage of them getting along – The night in Ojai was Kyle’s favorite. It was everyone’s fave night. Yolanda is Dutch which is why she comes across cold. I’ve spent some time in the Dam and she’s not wrong about that.
Yolanda – None of the women made an effort to get to her know her. Kyle says she does. That was at the end. She came into their group not the other way around. She’s stand-offish. She thinks her husband is incredible and she wants her friends to think so too. Questioned about the lesbian comment – She has no issue with it and her kids can be whatever they want to be. Learn English – She went through it. They lived there for 15 years. It would open more doors for them. Yes, she has a prenup. Not everyone is Lisa & Ken… Maybe love cycles are 15 years. SHe never saw the RHOBH. She should have. Master Cleanse debate… Kim says they never had plans. ANd she’s insulted because she is on top of her sober game. Yolanda disagrees. They had plans via production. Lyme disease – moment was at Kyle’s party and she couldn’t speak. Taylor apologizes to Yolanda for coming into her life and being judgmental. It was hard for her.
Taylor – Taylor recognizes that she was drinking too much on the show. She’s doing better now and has it under control. She was really overwhelmed. It was hard for Kim to see her like that. SHe’s upset Taylor was mad at her. Lisa talks to her off-camera. Kim chooses to do it on-camera. Kim says it’s not true. Kim has a very singular view of the world. The nanny issue – Brandi wants to know why they were talking about it to the other girls. Ha, everyone talks about everything… including you, Brandi. Taylor is dating her lawyer who is married. He’s in a protractive divorce. Gotta look that up. It bothers Brandi. Yolanda says that a divorce can take years. She says they were living apart for years. She’s spending her winter vacation in Colorado with him.
Lisa v Kyle – She was defending Adrienne on everything. They wanted the listing on Adrienne’s house. That’s attacking Kyle’s character. Wait, Kyle’s never been close and suddenly she’s speaking up for her because she wasn’t there to defend herself which is Adrienne’s fault. That’s such a load of crap Kyle. Giant load. Kyle thinks Lisa holds her a different standard. Lisa can’t unknow something. Yep. Trust, Kyle. Trust. Yolanda calls Kyle out for being catty. Kyle wants to know about what Yolanda said behind Lisa’s back in Paris. Lisa is a phony & fake and doesn’t really care about Kim. Um, we all saw it. She said Lisa should stop talking about her and she said TO Lisa. Lisa doesn’t believe it. Who would believe the Richards sisters.
Rachel: Wait, did the previews really just show Faye insulting Lisa in her own home? I hope she kicks her out of her house. I would pay cash money to see someone physically escort her off the premises and slam the door in her face. Well, I’m not sure you can really slam a glass door, but a theoretic slam would be awesome too. Seriously, if anyone at Bravo thinks making this trash bag a permanent member of this cast, they should be fired immediately. On the spot. Without severance.