One Sentence Summary: It’s au revoir Pars and hello new storylines!
Rachel: Here we are. Again. Me late with the RHOBH. You wondering why I can’t get my shit together. And these women… Oh, these women… making me want to dramatically slap each one the way Dynasty’s Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan would any man or woman that got in her way – with haughty self-righteousness. I love well-placed haughty self-righteousness. I do. As much, if not more, than the next person. But in Beverly Hills, it’s gotten suffocating. I’m choking on it. I think Bravo should know that these women have overstayed their welcome. Yes, a regular TV show would still be fresh and intriguing after 17 weeks. That’s because storylines would have evolved by now. But with this crap, not so much. It’s stale. So, I think we should start looking into the mathematics of the shelf-life of a reality show. The Bachelor, Shahs of Sunset, Gallery Girls all leave us after 10 weeks. And they leave us wanting more. Ish. At least we think we want more. That’s great. That’s what we should feel. You say 10 weeks isn’t enough for the Housewives. I say fine. (Well, first I say BS then I say fine.) Make it 12. Twelve and ONE reunion show. Happy campers. Even throw in your Lost Footage episode if you want. But 20+ weeks of the same conversations over & over is painful. And seeing is how the numbers have been dropping the past 3 weeks, maybe I’m on to something here. You don’t have to thank me, Bravo. Just send wine.
Paris Part Trois
Rachel: It’s our last night in Paris and the crew is going on a river cruise down the Seine. The Richards girls are dressed in as many colors as one could pack into a maxi dress. But it’s all good because Kim seems to have regulated her meds and is back to being coherent…. Well, as coherent as Kim can be.
During dinner, Yolanda gives Brandi a little gift because she knows she was feeling lonely in romantic Paris. This little gift is an amazing pair of shoes. Um, I’m lonely! Can I have shoes? C’mon Yo, I am constantly complimenting your veggie fridge! Doesn’t that at least earn me a pair of sandals?
As they pass under the Lovers’ Bridge, Mauricio tells everyone that he & Kyle put their lock on the bridge. This makes Lisa realize that she probably has put romance on the back burner for too long and maybe she should think about renewing her vows like Ken requested. Plus, it gives Bravo something else to shoot. Everyone loves a wedding, right?
Everyone is high on the romance of Paris and Brandi professes her newfound love for Kim. Kim loves everyone and we leave France in smiles. See, Paris IS magical.
House For Sale
Marisa stops by Kyle’s upon her return to catch-up after her father-in-law’s passing. She also needs some help. Her mother-in-law would like Marisa to sell her house, and Marisa would like Mauricio to list it with her. The 18k square foot house. Cha-ching!
Marisa wants to hear about Paris. Kyle tells Marisa that she got a lot of great things for her new store. So that was great. Kim seemed a little off. That’s less great. She’s worried about Kim and looks forward to the day she doesn’t have to worry. Hmm… Does that day ever come? I doubt it. I hope but I doubt.
Oh no. No no no. Kevin Lee, the king of the up-sell, is back. He drives me up a wall. I should have known that when Lisa said wedding vows, it would mean Kevin. She tells him that she wants to host a 60 person housewarming party… you know, something small and low-key. Man, I really live in a totally different stratosphere than this woman. A low-key party for me is like 10 people. 60 people is an event.
Holy Sweet Mary! The view from Lisa’s house is bananas. In every sense of the word. I love her, but she is really the textbook definition of excess. I mean that’s stunning. It’s also ridiculous. Ken tells Kevin that he wants to renew his vows at this party and off Kevin goes with the OTT spectacle. Let’s build a heart-shaped arch over the pool! Yes, very low-key.
Come On, Vogue
Boy Yolanda likes a tight white pair of jeans. She must have a closet just for white pants. She & David are doing a photo shoot together for an Italian magazine. I think she said Italian. I yawned and missed it. Whoops, Asian magazine. I just rewound just for you.
Hey, look at Yolanda with her hair down! She really is beautiful. On the other hand, the clothes sitchmo isn’t going as well. She’s not really feeling the choices that are there for her. Thankfully, David shows up with some more options with him. Um, so if David only has an hour before he has to go hang with Barbra Streisand, why is she shooting solo first? Eh, who cares. They’re a gorgeous couple who are so very clearly in love with each other. Let’s enjoy that rare moment for a change. Ah, love. See, I’m not totally dead inside.
Name Your Price
Mauricio shows up at the Zanuck manse to see the money… er, I mean house. It’s pretty damn stunning. I do love the shelf of the scripts in leather-bound books. Hollywood history on a shelf. There are $7MM worth of trees on the property. Yes, $7MM just in trees. I have no words. I have less words when Marisa says they would like to list it for $25MM. Mauricio thinks that’s a bit high and will scare people off. Uh, yeah. So he would suggest a more modest price tag of $23MM. Wait, what? Oh yes, that seems SO much more reasonable. But Marisa is in.
So, in a rare moment of curiosity outweighing my sheer laziness, I just looked up the house on the internet. It did sell for $20.1MM to a European real estate investor. Three interesting things to note: 1. The house that Marisa said was 18,000 square feet is only 10,000 square-feet. LOL… only. 2. The home only has one bedroom. That’s correct. One bedroom. There are two guest houses with a bedroom in each. Guess they really didn’t want their kids coming back home. 3. Mauricio is not listed as an agent in the sale. Marisa is. He is not. Didn’t make it happen or TV posturing for our benefit? News article here.
Shop Til You Drop
Kyle’s store is almost ready for the grand opening. She has a few more details to nail down, including buying more clothes for the store in the Downtown Garment District. Clearly, the store is going to be Kyle’s taste which means lots and lots of prints. And colors. But hell, why not? Who wouldn’t want to open a store filled with the things they love and not worry about it making money? Don’t yell at me. I’m sure she wants it to be a success too. I’m just saying she has far less of a fall if it’s not than the rest of us regular folks.
OK, so someone heard my cries because we are halfway through this show and nary a whisper of “the fight”. Can we go the rest of the show? It might make me watch on time next week. Just sayin…
NO! Not Dana! You are springing Kevin & Dana on me in one week? Did you not just read what I wrote above? And someone got a big bag of hair and a bottle of dye. Did she get a new nose too? Apparently, she is now single and ready to mingle. Sorry, mingling is happening. A lot. Dana would like us to know that she drinks and fucks a lot. Her words. Not mine. And she’s ok with it. So, Taylor isn’t going to bother with advice. Classy as ever, Dana.
Seems Dana’s ex was everything bad Brandi told her he might be. You gotta love when someone you can’t stand tells you your truth. Her house of cards came tumbling down and now she’s in serious Drunken Bitter Betty mode. Yee-ikes. If you thought Dana was a whirlwind of crazy before… This new girl is a hurricane.
She wants to know if Taylor is friends with Brandi, the evil bitch that she hates. She hopes not because Brandi is so clearly not on par with them (yes, she means money) and the only reason she’s part of the group is because of Adrienne. And Adrienne, well she is a “nice” (her air quotes, not mine) person in theory. But all of these women love themselves too much to have room in their hearts to love Taylor, so she had better watch her back. Dear Lord, angry much? I mean I’m not necessarily disagreeing here, but I’m skerred of her aggression. Personally, I think she’s mad they didn’t embrace her into the group, thereby costing her a spot on the show. No honey, that’s not what happened. You don’t have a spot on the show because you were an asshole. Period.
Welcome To Kyle Style
Kim calls Kyle to let her know she’s getting a tan before she goes to the opening party for Kyle’s store. Kyle is worried she’ll be late. Kim says she’s been on time all year. It’s all good… Who wants to guess what happens next?
It’s party time and the usual suspects start to arrive, including The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick and Lisa in a purple dress that isn’t the most flattering on-camera look ever. Ack. And there’s Kim! Look at me being wrong about her showing up on time. Granted, I have no idea what the actual time is.
Taylor arrives and tells Yolanda that she still wants to have coffee with her. Taylor’s conversation with Dana made her realize that she needs to reevaluate her friendships – starting with Yolanda. She’s realized that her issues are with David and not Yolanda. Duh. Too bad Yolanda isn’t all that interested to deal with someone that’s been talking behind her back. Taylor keeps pretending that it didn’t happen. Girl, she knows you did it and she’s naming names. Just own it.
Taylor explains that her issue was coming into a situation with someone whose husband she knew only in a negative way because she’s very good friends with his ex. But now that she’s had the chance to talk to him, she realizes that he’s a kind and sweet man. Yolanda is not so moved. Don’t talk about her husband. Don’t talk behind her back. If Taylor had just come to her in the first place and was honest about her feelings, they could have dealt with it. Instead she involved the other girls and made it an issue. Dammit, I love me some Yolanda. The other women would have smiled, pretended it was ok and then talked more smack behind her back. Well, probably not Lisa. But Taylor does apologize and Yolanda accepts. Look at that. Grown-up convo and no shouting. A round of applause everyone.
Aw lawd, here come Adrienne & Paul. I swear they get out of the limo and the dark clouds come out with them. The dark “we’re the victims” cloud. But Adrienne says she’s going to avoid Brandi and any drama tonight. I’m begging you to make it so.
Kyle cuts the ribbon to signal the opening of her new store, and of course, Faye is front and center for the light bulb flashes. But the store is officially in business so let’s party! Oh sorry no. Let’s have a serious conversation with Kim in the middle of a celebration. Sigh… Can’t we ever just enjoy the moment.
Kyle is worried about Kim seeming to be out of it in Paris. Kim says she wasn’t ok physically or mentally, but she was sober. Well, she was sober except for the pill she was taking that she thought was her water pill. Turns out she mixed it up with one of the meds she had been taking 6 months prior that contributed to her being so “out of it” all the time. Um, then why are they even still in your house? Kyle buys the story, but needs Kim to know that she gets scared for her. Kim knows she has to earn trust back, but she’s in a good place and doesn’t want to go back to where she was 7 months ago. And the sisters have a moment. Great, now Kyle you may want to get back to the party that everyone’s leaving and maybe thank your guests for coming.
Rachel: I have to say, that was a much better episode than I was expecting. I was feeling almost enthused to watch the coming week… until the previews. Oh yes, the previews. Faye is back and accusing Brandi of ruining Paul & Adrienne’s marriage. I will have to start drinking early next Monday.