One Sentence Summary: Sean picks his bride, a new Bachelorette is announced and ABC takes three hours of our life we’ll never get back.
Rachel: Here we are. Final rose time. Two hours until we find out if it’s Catherine or Lindsay. And another hour until we find out if they made it to the After The Final Rose special. I must let you know right now that I am Team Catherine all the way. There is no part of me that is impartial or pretending that I’m happy with whoever makes Sean happy. I’m not that charitable. So, if you’re looking for an unbiased review, you’re in the wrong place. Granted if you’re looking for an unbiased anything, you wouldn’t be here at all. So, I’m cheering Catherine over the finish line and hoping Lindsay and the baby talk take that final limo ride into the sunset. I’m not trying to see anyone get hurt, but that’s not the game we’re playing here. And yes, it’s a game so there has to be a winner. And the winner cannot baby talk. Not on my watch. Let’s drink! Er, I mean watch.
It’s A Family Affair
Rachel: Before we can get started, Chris has to give us the rundown of the evening. Anything to stretch this out for 3 hours. It’s an historic finale with late-breaking news that could lead to the most romantic finale ever. Don’t oversell it, Chris. We’ve been down this path with you before and we’re not falling for your “most” romantic, exciting, or dramatic promises anymore. Well, maybe one last time… NO, I’m not falling for it. Let’s just get moving because I don’t have all night… Except that I have all night.
Anywho, it’s time for the disapproving family to arrive and meet Sean’s final two ladies. I don’t know why I am calling them disapproving. They seem lovely. I think I just want them to be disapproving. More fun for me that way. Damn the kids got a free trip out of it too? In case he forgot, Sean’s seriously adorable nephew reminds him that Emily didn’t pick him. I like this kid. He can stick around. Wait, I don’t remember bro-in-law Andrew being so hot. Ga-wow. He can stick around too.
Catherine is up first. Don’t disappoint me, girl! Sean tells his family he feels so comfortable with her and they’re both weird. There’s the weird again. Their definition of weird is very suspect. Unless I missed the episode where they were playing Dungeons & Dragons in someone’s basement wearing costumes, I’m not really feeling the weird.
Sean isn’t expecting his family to make the decision for him, unlike Emily who whined like a child who got her binky take away. Sean’s sister welcomes Catherine and it’s time for the lunch no one eats. Anyone else think sis is the boss bitch around here? Wait, Catherine played football on an all-boy team? I love it! Sis is less excited. Catherine tells the family that she learned so much about herself and her feelings through to process, and for that, she’s grateful.
Time to talk to Mama Sherry. She wants the choice for Sean to be obvious. Um, what’s obvious is that your son is on a reality dating show so he’s contractually obligated to be vague. Wait, did I never notice Catherine’s nose ring before? Man, freckles too. Either I’ve been really deep into the wine all season or this is what happens when you finally watch on a big HD screen. Catherine says yes, she’s in love and she knows her feelings for Sean are real. Mom approves. Next, she tells dad that she was skeptical about the process, but she wants great love. Dad wants to know how she will know she’s in the kind of love that lasts forever. She says that Sean is just so good that it’s hard to think that there’s anything not to love. She’s consumed by him. Hrmph. Just wait. Yeah, Bitter Betty’s here tonight. But Dad is so sweet so it’s helping to soften my hardened heart. Dad says he will be her biggest fan if they get married and she will be treated like she’s his daughter. This is major for the girl with no relationship with her daddy. Wait, Sis didn’t get the to do the spotlight interrogation? Nope. That’s it. Two thumbs up for Catherine. Sean can see himself being married to her.
Lindsay is up now and here comes the panting puppy dog. Sean can also see spending the rest of his life with her. I know they make him openly pontificate about loving two women but in any other context we’d all be screaming “What a dick!” if a dude was leading two women on like this. Lord, I really can’t stand her and the baby talk. Have I mentioned this yet? I mean she’s baby talking his family! Oh for the love of all that is holy! With the effing wedding dress story! It’s like Emily and dead Ricky Bobby. We get it. We do. You don’t have to tell it again. I swear this show would be 20 minutes long and over in three weeks if there was no repeating of information.
Dad is up first this time around. He asks again how you know if you’re in love for the rest of your life. She know because she wants to “hang out” with him for the rest of her life. Spoken like a true 24-year-old. Before you jump down my throat, I have nothing against 24-year-olds. I would happily be 24 again. I just don’t think you’ve reached the pinnacle of womanhood at that age and it shows when you say you want to “hang out” with someone for life. But she’s nailing her answers, especially when she says that compromise is the key to a successful relationship. Dad love that. Wait, did he just say they started praying for his wife the day he was born? Way to dream big for your kid. Dad’s sold. Lindsay has one more question and asks for Sean’s hand in marriage. That would actually be cute if she didn’t bug me so much. Mom’s up next and wants to know when it clicked for Lindsay. Second conversation was it for her. Everything added up… everything aligned. Oh stop crying! Mom is a fan too. Well, yeah because she looks like the lot of you. Man, she even calls Sean “baby” in baby talk. Time for her to go. Ta ta!
Time for the family to weigh in and tell Sean they like both the women. Dad says it’s a win-win. Andrew says something but I’m not really listening. Just looking. So so pretty. Mom is nervous. Yeah yeah… Let’s go back to Andrew. But no, mom wants to talk to Sean outside in the humidity. I now see where Sean gets his shine issues. Mom says if he’s not 100% sure about the women, he doesn’t need to be proposing. He’s less sold on that idea. Oh, and he has a contract. But he’s gonna pander to mom and say he doesn’t know what he’ll do. LMAO… Did he just try to reassure his mother by saying he wouldn’t be here if it was going to end badly? Anyone remember a girl named Emily? Enough about that. It’s time for the thoughtful stare off the balcony into the distance while we hear deep thoughts. He doesn’t know who it is. He’s in love with them both. This will be a hard decision.
Here we go. The red shorts again, Sean? And with the turquoise tank top? You’re killing me, dude. Today they’re boating down the Mekong River and we’re getting a geography lesson. Remember she doesn’t notice scenery when he’s around. I’m seriously at Charlie Brown teacher mode with this chat BS. Same conversation over and over. You’re so awesome. No you are. I love you. I can’t say anything back so I’ll just sit here and grin like a moony teenager. Shoot me. Shoot me now.
They have their last moments together in her hotel room. She’s never felt this much in her whole life. YOU’RE TWENTY NOTHING!!! Give it a minute. There’s another feeling around the corner. I promise. She’s such a surprise to him. She wonders if he remembers their first kiss? That’s was supposed to be a hot moment. Sorry, sexy talk doesn’t work with a baby voice. I’m nervous that he’s falling for this. BTW my friend just pointed out, he is the same color as his shirt… and her dress. It’s like an explosion of sunburn and coral. I feel like I need sunglasses.
Lindsay says that they keep kissing because it’s the only way he can express himself. Or because he wants to shut down the baby talk. She has a surprise for him. She takes him outside to make wishes on lanterns. There is one for love, happiness and family. These are the things they need for a successful marriage. Sean can see marrying her right now. No you can’t. You can’t.
Catherine The Great
He is so way more excited to see Catherine when she shows up for their date. Way more. I’m not making this up. And I’m way more excited to see the elephant. Now that’s a fun date! I love that she gets to ride an elephant and gyrate against his born-again virgin junk. Sorry that was painful for me too. I want to go on an elephant. Shit I’ll sign up for the cougar version of this show just so I can go on the trips. A-ha! He just referenced the future with her. Didn’t do that with Lindsay. Anyone else think that’s a big sign?
OK, I missed a whole chunk of what just happened because I think I just had a great idea for a TV show. This is what happens with wine, a wandering mind and the same conversation over and over. I did tune back in when she said that she has been cautious in love which hasn’t served her well. So she’s letting it all out. She loves him and she’s thankful for his family. He says she’s constantly on his mind and he pictures their lives together. Man, either they’re editing this to really eff with us or he’s way more open with her than he is with Lindsay. She’s really scared putting it all out there, but she loves him. It’s time for him to go, and as he leaves, she follows him back out. Oh please don’t have a meltdown. Please don’t. Although this is the guy that chased Emily down a street… twice. She gets a few more hugs & kisses then retreats to her room where she fully melts down. Take a deep breath and order a bottle of wine from room service. It’s all good.
The Final Rose
Why am I nervous? He’s not proposing to me. And yet, I’m nervous. It’s time to cue the montage of both girls and the history of their relationship with Sean. More deep thoughts and some abs for your viewing pleasure. Next up, Neil Lane and a stunning ring. Now, final thoughts… yeah yeah yeah. We know the drill. Let’s get some proposing going on.
Lindsay & Catherine are getting dressed in a silver & gold dress respectively. Are the silver and gold dresses subliminal messages for us? You know, gold for first and silver for second place. Well, we’re going to have to wait to find out because Chris has to interrupt us. Lesley, AshLee, Sarah & Jackie are back and letting us know who they think is getting the final rose. I feel like one of them is going to be the new Bachelorette. Chris asks AshLee her opinion after saying she had the most emotional exit…. say it with me… in Bachelor history. Yeah, I’m saying it was actually the least emotional exit in Bachelor history. Seriously though, could you waste more of my time?
Oh, here we go… Nice touch with the Asian themed music. Oh boy… First car has arrived aaaand Lindsay is first out of the car. Whew. I mean so sorry, Lindsay, but I couldn’t take a lifetime of your baby talk either. He just didn’t even waste a moment before launching into his “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech, but gets nervous and starts to babble. Dude, rip the band-aid off! She knows it’s coming. Don’t make her stand there all day. He says that his heart is with someone else. He didn’t know what he was going to do yesterday, but he found clarity. That clarity is that he wants to spend the rest of his life with someone else. I don’t know how they stand there and listen to this. I actually appreciate her asking him to stop and I give her credit for handling her shit. Although the “Is it me?” question was annoying. He had to pick between you & someone else… I hate to be the asshole here, but what else would it be? She says it’s painful and she will have to figure out her life without him, but she will be OK. Where was this girl all season? I like her. She’s strong in the face of a seriously broken heart. Regardless of how I feel about her in the grand scheme of this nonsense, that’s a shitty shitty feeling. Silver lining though is that she’s 24. So when she says she doesn’t want to end up alone, I have to think that she’s got a while before she has to punch the old maid card.
So as Sean waits for Catherine, he gets a note. The note we all saw in the preview and that I tired to freeze frame so I could read it. Yeah, that happened and I couldn’t read squat. We finally find out what we suspected… the note is from Catherine. And we cut to Chris. Dude, really? You’re killing me! Wait, did Chris just say “That was a brutal break-up with Catherine”??? Accident or accidental foreshadowing? Can we just find out already?
Back to Sean & the note. Catherine tells him how amazing he is and how she is ready to spend her life with him. She’s not running away. It’s not bad news. Well, that was a non-event. But it’s actually a lovely note.
She arrives and looks really beautiful. I actually like Sean so much more when he’s with her. It’s like a Sean to the tenth power of Catherine thing. He tells her how much he loves her and how he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with her. Is he going to propose? Yes, he is. Holy shit that’s a ring! Man, AshLee is going to be so mad! She’s so excited. It’s actually really cute. And I’m totally not misty over here. Nope not at all. They might actually be my favorite Bachelor couple yet. I’m going to say it… Best proposal in Bachelor history.
After the Final Rose
I’m exhausted. Let’s blow through this. I’m not buying that the new news that’s going to be announced is going to be earth shattering. So, here we go. Sean is here and beaming so it can’t be bad news coming up. Right? He says he’s so in love with her. He is just crazy about her. Whew. He’s still upset about Lindsay because he really had no real reason to give her. Baby talk. Baby talk is a real reason. Chris asks about him crying when he let her go. The last time he cried was when his grandfather died. But he’s ready to face Lindsay provided it’s not scary like The Women Tell All show… He’s talking to you, AshLee.
Lindsay is back and it’s a lot for her to take in, you know.. It’s hard for her to be there and watch the episode, you know. You know. Say it a few more times. He doesn’t have closure for her other than he fell in love with Catherine & wants to to spend his life with her. Ouch. But she’s phenomenal and he still lights up when he thinks of her. She still thinks the world of him too, but she wants to know what it was that made her not what he wanted. Uh, he doesn’t have an answer. He just said that. Ultimately, she is really happy for him and so much stronger for having been in the situation. Chris isn’t feeling enough emotion so he has to poke the bear and ask about the days after she was sent packing. There we go… now she’s choked up. Um, there’s a lot of repetitive conversation about her growing and him not being able to give her any more clarity. Shall we move on? We shall.
Time to reunite the couple. Reunited and it feels so good. Damn, Peaches and Herb were the bomb, weren’t they? Ahem, sorry. Catherine & Sean are still totally in love. They are thrilled to be able to be public finally. She felt like their relationship progressed every time they were together. She’s his best friend, the love of his life and he’s incredibly blessed to have her. The last night was the hardest for her. Going into the final rose, she knew it was going to change her life one way or another.
Can we please get to this “big” news so I can stop wondering if they’re already married or he traded in his v-card or she’s knocked up… or all of the above???? But no, we have to hear about them holding hands all the time and being in love. Holding hands? Maybe the v-card is still in tact. And let’s watch the freaking proposal we just watching 45 minutes ago. Look, I drink a lot but I still remember the whole thing. Send them home with a DVD. Sean says she didn’t look at the ring when he proposed and he had to remind her to look. That’s hilarious. He gets choked up again and Chris calls him a bawl bag. Really? A bawl bag? That’s too easy…
The big announcement is upon us. Drum roll please… They’re going to get married on TV!!! That’s the big announcement? That’s the big moment I’ve waiting damn near 3 hours for. Sean is going to let ABC pay for his wedding. Stop the presses! C’mon. Really. C’mon. But I do like them. They’ll make pretty shiny babies. Now, just tell me who the next Bachelorette is so I can go to sleep. I wanted it to be Des but she’s not there. Wait, but she is and she’s the next Bachelorette! OK, I just threw my arms in the air in victory. I’m embarrassed for myself right now. I need help. And to put the wine down. And to go to sleep.
P.S. – I so called this! Don’t believe me? Check out Des’s hometown date write-up: here.
Rachel: Another season in the bag. Monday nights are now going to Dancing With The (Not Really) Stars. We won’t be blogging it, but Melissa will be Tweeting it live. So, make sure to follow us on Twitter and join Melissa on the dance floor.