One Sentence Summary: The Housewives hangover has taken its final toll.
Rachel: So, I had a long talk with myself this morning. I said, “Self, why can’t you get your shit together and review the BH Housewives in a timely manner? It’s becoming a problem.” I took a big sip of my tea – Sometime there is something other than wine in my glass peoples… Rarely, but sometimes. Anyway, my self said to myself that it seems we are suffering from Post-Traumatic Housewife Disorder. It happens when a show becomes so tedious that the thought of having to sit through another episode brings upon anxiety, restlessness and the occasional referring to oneself as “we”. And that’s where I am with this show. I’m so over their whole raison d’etre. I don’t care about Brandi being sued or any of the other petty BS we’ve been dealing with all season over and over and over… over. I don’t. I don’t. I can’t anymore. And it actually makes me angry having to even think about it. So it sits on my DVR taunting me. I know I have to watch, but it has just gotten so hard to press that play button. Look, there are still storylines they could explore to shake it up a little. I mean, I’d like to know more about Taylor’s life. How she’s coping? Where did she leave her kid? I’d like to spend more time in Yolanda’s veggie fridge with her. It seems happy in there. And what about Marisa? Shouldn’t we get to know her more? Shit, even bring back crazy Allison “I talk to dead people” Dubois and her electronic cigarettes. But please don’t make me sit through another dinner overwhelmed by nonsensical talk about a total non-issue. It’s making twitch. Seriously, it’s so bad that I hear Fonzie revving his engine in the distance. That’s how close this show is to jumping the shark.
And now that Adrienne has announced she’s leaving the show – which is a surprise to exactly no one – I fear that Faye will be the choice to take her place. When and if that happens, Fonzie will take flight. I seriously don’t think I’ll be able to survive that. Thankfully, I still have Lisa & Yolanda to keep me from fully going postal on them all.
With all that being said, these bitches are only getting the quick rundown from this Bitch this week. It’s all I can take though it’s less than you deserve. And for that I’m sorry…
Paris Part Deux
Yolanda & Brandi take a morning jog/brisk walk along the Seine and talk about life in Paris as models. Ah yes, I remember it well. Oh wait, that wasn’t me. Brandi says foreign girls are amazing which is why she gets along so well with Yolanda & Lisa. Hmm, I’ll buy that for a dollar. On another part of the Seine, Kyle & Mauricio add their lock to the Lover’s Bridge. They are a very cute couple, even though I want to throw Kyle over the bridge most of the time. Kim has decided to tag along this morning with Ken & Lisa while they do some shopping. Sounds like Kim still hasn’t figured out that European med combo because she’s still slurring and rambling. She’s also still bitching about her relationship with Kyle, which drives me crazy because Kim takes zero responsibility for her years of total insanity. Doesn’t help that Lisa eggs her on because she’s mad at Kyle too. Misery love company… and apparently it loves crossing the Champs Elysees. How many times are they going to show them crossing the same street?
Yolanda takes Ken & Lisa’s side at Notre Dame. Seems Kim has had enough & went back to the hotel. They’re worried about Kim and her meds. Should she be taking meds even if they’re prescribed? That is the question. Eh, who cares. They have a cooking class to attend tonight and that’s what’s important.
Time to head off to the cooking class… but wait, where’s Kim? She’s MIA. Deja vu, anyone? Yolanda & Kyle go to her room. Knock knock. Nada. Knock knock. Nada. Finally, a sound asleep Kim answers the door and it seems she lost track of time. Oh, but she’s just been sleeping. Allegedly. She finally shows up after keeping them waiting for a solid hour and Lisa immediately jumps on her about possibly taking a sleeping pill. Jesus, Lisa. Let the girl collect a thought before you interrogate her. The argument between them becomes whether she was with Lisa “all day” or just part of the day. Kim is sure she was with Lisa until 4 or 5. Thankfully, the editors at Bravo made sure we saw that Kim was nowhere to be found at 3pm when Ken, Yolanda & Lisa stopped by Notre Dame. That’s their version of “allegedly”. Well played. Regardless, now Kim is mad. And when Kim is mad, her story is the only story. Throw in some tears and her sudden need to be with no one but the sister that she hates pretty much any other time, and we have a total Kim meltdown. Lisa is mean to her… victim, victim, victim.
Lisa checks on the Richards sisters who are still sitting on the bus while the rest of them faux cook. Lisa wants to know if she should cancel the dinner. Kim says no. Lisa asks again.. and again… and again. Back the eff off, Lisa. Come on.
Inside at cooking class, the teacher struggles to actually to teach when the duck for their duck a l’orange shows up. At least, the beheading of a duck gets the girls all back on track. Well, for a minute at least, until Lisa starts talking to Kyle about Kim… in front of Kim. Kim calls her a pot stirrer. Takes one to know one. Drama… petty drama. Counterpoint, Ken & Mauricio on their way to the restaurant to meet the ladies. No drama. No grudges. Ain’t it grand?
Brandi and Kim bond over dinner. And their dislike of Kyle babying her. At the other end, Lisa starts again about Kim with Mauricio. Do shut up, already. Everyone’s happy. Let it go. Yolanda agrees and calls her out. Go Yo! Another meltdown is spared.
Time for shopping in a store where they sell $14,000 shirts. Kyle can’t buy because she’ll be selling the same things at her store. You’re selling $14k shirts? Good luck with that. Way to play to your audience. But like any good shopping trip, it’s got to have a side of gossip and shit-talking with Kim, Kyle & Yolanda. Today’s topic: Lisa’s a bad friend. Kim thinks she’s not sincere, and btw, she still has a problem with Kyle. Couldn’t wait to rat her out, could you? It’s not lost on me that the epic surrogacy fight was started by you too. How about letting it go? And hey, Kim! Look in the mirror, darling. That was a monumental stirring of the pot. Pot/kettle, anyone? Shady ass bitches. Anyway, Kim loves being sober (cough cough) and the meds she takes keep her sober. Say what? Anyway, Mauricio is proud of her and buys her the purse she was admiring inside as a token. Hey, I’m proud of my sobriety too… when it decides to visit. Can I have a purse?
Next up, The Eiffel Tower. Personally, I’d rather spend the day with Mauricio & Ken on Segways than arguing with the ladies on top of the Eiffel Tower, which is what is happening. Kyle wants to move forward with Lisa and lets her know it. Lisa is over this whole thing. We all are. Kyle outs Kim and tells Lisa that she knows she said the relationship has changed. Lisa turns it around and says she said the same about her. So there’s that. Finger pointing is always fun and productive. But it’s the same story and nothing changes. Kyle doesn’t get that when you tell someone that they hold grudges & they’re manipulative, that the odds are they aren’t going to want to be your BFF. Yeah, you can be honest, but you also have to pay the consequences for that honesty. But Kyle really thinks it’s that’s she’s been replaced by Brandi. I think Kyle needs to get her diaper changed. Lisa is over it and tells Kyle it’s all good so she can shut it down. Finally, kissing in Paris. Too bad it’s Lisa & Kyle.
Rachel: Same shit, different country.