One Sentence Summary: The final three ladies travel to Thailand for the most virginal Fantasy Suite dates in Bachelor history.
Rachel: I realized something last week. Something terrible and disturbing… I’m actually closer in age to the bachelorettes’ parents than I am to the bachelorettes. How did this happen? And how much wine is going to take to make the pain go away? I know I know… time marches on and age is just a state of mind. This is usually said by someone trying to convince themselves they’re not at all freaked out by the sand cruising through the hourglass. And in general, I’m honestly kinda ok with it all. Kinda. Sorta. Not really ok as much as accepting. Well, less accepting than sort of grudgingly dealing. Fine, I’m pissed. That’s right. I’m pissed. I’d like to say I’m cool with the march of time, but I’d pretty much sell my soul to be 30 again. I’m not even trying to be 24. Just 30. Is that too much to ask? Yeah, I know it is. Fine. Well, then can I least have some more wine? Thank you. Now let’s go watch born-again virgin Sean ask 3 lovely ladies to spend a sexless night with him in the Fantasy Suite. BTW, what’s the timeline on reclaiming virginity? I must be close by now.
Melissa: It’s Thailand time and you know what that means kids… Sean’s going to be all sorts of nekkid this week. Truth be told, I’m so over Sean at this point and this journey of love he’s on that I’m not even excited for shirtless time. Oh, and it’s fantasy night… Sing it with me friends… Brown Chicken, Brown Cow. No wait… didn’t he declare he was a born-again virgin? I’m sorry, but had I known it was that easy to get my V-tag back, I would have done it… a few times!!
Rachel: Damn, I need to get to Thailand. That’s stunningly beautiful. What is with the red shorts, Sean? Emily had an entire new insane wardrobe and they keep making him wear the same two pairs of red shorts every week? I mean at least you got rid of those hideous jeans, but someone help this kid out. And this is like week 5 in a row with no soft-core Sean to open the show. Well, at least you get the arms in that horrible turquoise tank top he’s working. I don’t approve of men in tank tops FYI. It’s not a good look. Even in the gym.
But it’s time to hear from Sean what he’s feeling about each of the final three girls. Catherine is weird, nerdy & goofy. So is he. He’s not even close to weird. At least from what we’ve gotten to see of Sean he comes across as pretty run-of-the-mill dude. I’d love to see some this weirdness. It might make me actually interested in paying attention to what they’re talking about. He says they share an off-the-charts romance. But AshLee’s is the strongest relationship he has. She has the biggest heart he’s ever come across and he always knows how she’s feeling. Lord, I’m about to stick hot pokers in my eyes. This is the longest recap in the history of recaps. Next, Chris is going to tell us the same shit we just saw just to push me over the edge into the abyss.
Oh right, we still have to talk about Lindsay. How could I forget? Time to relive the wedding dress moment! Really, again? She’s so loving and caring and generous and supportive and hilarious and never has a bad day… Oh, don’t bank on that friend. Ever heard of a little thing called PMS? Or real life? They’re going to give you a few bad days. Trust. But they’re spiritually matched up so it’s all good. Oh and we have abs! Anyone else think Sean looks a little soft in the middle? Someone’s been slacking off on the work-outs. Says jello thighs over here. Must put yoga on tomorrow’s to-do list.
Melissa: Yeah, Catherine’s silly and makes you laugh. That’s because there’s nothing serious going on. There aren’t breakfast dishes in the sink when you’ve been home all day and could have easily taken one more step and opened the dishwasher and put it in. Not that that happens in my home. Just sayin… AshLee: I still like this little organizer. Really I want to see her apartment and go through it randomly turning labels so they aren’t all facing out, then watch her twitch while frantically re-organizing. Then we’ll laugh about it over drinks as she secretly plots my demise… or padlocks my wine cellar. Who knows what she’s capable of. Lindsay: HA, I remember drunk Lindsay – I thought for sure she was going home. She’s still a little off her rocker, but I’d totally drink with her.
Rachel: Sweet Mary that place is ridiculous! First up is Lindsay… meh. They’re going around the island in a scooter with a carriage side car type deal. I’m too lazy to try and figure out what it’s called. It’s hilarious looking though. They drive around the island but Lindsay can’t notice the beauty of Thailand because there’s a gorgeous guy next to her. What? Then get out and let me get in the buggy. I’ll take the tour. And we are walking the market for today’s date. These producers are just straight lazy. Do you not even bother to try anymore? I imagine the meetings go something like: “Well, they can walk around the town or we’ll just put them on the top of a mountain and let them make snowballs. Who wants to go to the bar?” Granted, most Winey Bitch meetings go about the same way.
I really hate that he keeps saying that he’s testing the girls. When do they get to test you? Today’s test is whether or not she’ll eat bugs. You know, to prove she’s adventurous. Sorry, I’ll take the first plane home before I eat that shit. But since Sean is so brave, she’ll eat a bug. Apparently, her backbone is as strong at that cricket’s she’s about to eat. Anyone else notice her gag before she even got the skewer out of her mouth? Good thing she’s dating a born-again virgin. Just sayin…
Off to the beach. She tells him that her parents loved him. She would love to start a life with him. They have fun no matter what they do. Not. Enough. Wine. For. This. My eyes are rolling into the back of my head. This show could be an hour no problem if we edited out half this nonsense. I don’t really need to hear him repeat himself 1,000 times. This dude hasn’t dropped any new knowledge on us in weeks. Patience growing thin as we once again hear from Lindsay that she needs to say I love you or he’s going to bail.
Dinner tonight is in front of traditional Thai floats. Each temple creates their own float and once a year they get together. That’s the most interesting thing I’ve heard all night. Hey, so Lindsay wants to tell him that she loves him. I had no idea. Thanks for sharing that. She’s so excited for their life to start when she gives up everything and moves to Dallas. It’s 1950 again! Her whole life is open to him. Whole life. Open. There’s a lot of rambling about feelings from Lindsay when finally… she says… nothing. Dancers have shown up to torture us further.
The dancers leave and the Fantasy Suite card is handed over. The no-sex-potential Fantasy Suite. She feels like a real couple in the Fantasy Suite and she knows she has to tell him how she feels. I’m about to throw something at the TV… something soft because I’m too cheap to buy a new TV. OMG, fucking tell him or don’t but please make the madness end! And she finally does. Jesus, getting a confession out of Lance Armstrong wasn’t that hard. Deep breath in through the nose… out through the mouth.
Melissa: OMG, I’d be eating the crap out of that market!! Well, the all the crap but the bugs. This has to be a first for Bachelor. Not only are they eating, but eating bugs. I’m sorry, I’m all for adventure, but no way am I eating a bug to prove my love. Well, unless I’m out on a boat and a gnat flies in my mouth. Do I get credit for that?
Rachel: Next up, AshLee. I have about zero patience left so I hope this is less painful. She feels overwhelming joy when she’s with him. She imagines a life of unexpected adventure and fun. If we were playing a drinking game where we had to drink every time AshLee said “love”, we’d all already be hammered. Sean’s test for AshLee is to push her outside her comfort zone. Will this be the “no wire hangers” moment? They have to swim through a cave to the other side where there is a beach. She’s scared but she trusts Sean. And here we go… In the dark cave. She’s freaking out because she doesn’t do caves. Yeah, there’s an entire production crew at the ready if something goes down. You couldn’t be safer. Though, to be honest, I’d not be super thrilled with this adventure either. But she’s handling it pretty well. I’ll give her that. She’s changing her ways thanks to Sean and they find the light at the end of the tunnel. That would be a literal light and not a proverbial one in case you were wondering. He proves he can get her to safety. I suppose that was his test? You know a test that he set up for himself. Feed the ego, dear. Go on. That is insanely beautiful though. And her body is ridiculous. Makes me more bitter… if that’s possible.
Time for dinner in a hut on the beach. And I use the term hut loosely because I have no clue what else to call it. AshLee is nervous about the overnight date. She doesn’t take it lightly especially when two other women are involved. She won’t morally put herself out there. Oh girl, you have nothing to worry about. You couldn’t be in a less compromising position. That one’s literally and figuratively. She thinks he’s amazing. He admires her. He gives her the date card and… Ooh, I like the pink nails. I think I might have to do that next. What, you were waiting for something else? Ah yes, the awkward sex conversation. He tells her that his intentions are to talk and be alone with no distractions. She thinks it’s important to have that time but she doesn’t want to cross a boundary. But of course with that said, she’s in. She knows how important the time is. I’m thrilled to see a woman lay down some rules though. As much as I make fun, it’s actually extremely refreshing. And it gives her a chance to tell him what ring she wants.
Melissa: Anyone else want to just pull the collar of her shirt back up to her neck? Really, enough with the prove your love by doing things you don’t want to do BS. I’m with you girl. Control issues or no, I’d be chumming the water with vomit at this point. OK, so here’s the overnight portion. HANG ON!! I think Bob (that’s what I call my craptastic cable system because I’m convinced it’s powered by a dude named Bob on a hamster wheel) hijacked Lindsay’s overnight from me! Come on Bob, give a girl a break. I don’t ask for much. Please stop screwing with my DVR! Anywho, tonight is all about magical conversation in the fantasy suite. Yeah, right. Yeah, AshLee is in… for some hand holding and pillow talk. Maybe he’ll read her a story over some warm milk. Um, quite a bold move there girl describing what you expect your ring to look like.
Rachel: And finally, Catherine. They’re cruising the islands in a boat today. More lazy production here. I have to say I’m about to pass out from all the emotional vomiting we’ve dealt with tonight. I’m having a hard time listening to the same conversation happen over & over with three different women. But enough about me. Catherine says she hasn’t been this normal with anyone else. He loves her weirdness. Um, she’s saying she’s normal and he calls her weird. She’s a free spirit but could she come to Dallas and settle down. She’s expired in terms of Seattle. She tells him she was pissed at her sisters during the hometown date. They’re skeptical of the relationship between them but she talks to her BFF’s more than her sisters. Aha! I called it! Jealousy. She was in a long-term relationship which taught her about what it takes to be committed. She wasn’t ready then but is now. He feels better. She feels excited. Let’s kiss in the rain! Dude, what is that? I’m convinced he’s a terrible kisser. Am I alone here?
And the ubiquitous dinner is upon us. Catherine gets him better than anyone else. He wants to know where she sees them in 5 years? Do they have to ask these inane questions? Are they given a card at the beginning of the season with a list of BS they must discuss? I have to tell you the outtakes of their real conversations at the end of the show are far more interesting than the trite relationship talk that is recycled season after season. Give us something new! Anyway, she says that in 5 years they’ll be married and potentially have a kid. She’s traditional when it comes down to it. BTW, they both keep calling her weird and I’m wondering what their definition of weird is. She’s got a personality that isn’t airhead cheerleader girl, yeah, but that doesn’t make her weird. But then again, it is Sean making the call.
She’s also scared of the overnight date. She tells him she thought there was no way she would do before she came on the show. It’s important for her to be seen as a lady. But she realizes that it’s about time with him and that’s what matters. He tells her that his intentions are just to spend time alone… clothed. Well, these women are a refreshing change from happy hooker Courtney! And why does she keep saying a boy like him would never like a girl like her? She’s gorgeous! Ahhh… she was the chunky girl. She says she was made fun of growing up. He tells her she’s smokin hot and he’s the lucky one. That’s sweet. What’s that weird lump in my throat? I think I need a doctor.
Melissa: Here comes bubbles… and no, sadly I don’t mean in my glass. Catherine is just a bit too much for me. Someone who is that bubbly HAS to have a dark side. You know like before her first cup of coffee she channels Regan MacNeil, if someone asks her anything. Um, is there a reason they aren’t concerned about that storm raging around them? Didn’t they ever hear not to hang around outside in a thunder storm? Yeah, I’m so annoyed. Bob whammied Lindsay’s overnight. Now I have no idea if she told him she loved him and they didn’t hook up. I have the worst cable ever. Sorry, I digress with my woe is me I have the worst cable ever. So Sean is going to put the press on for some alone time to talk and hold hands. Did she just call him a hunk? Who says that anymore? Beefy? Now here’s a question, I thought the fantasy suite is supposed to be alone time? Then why am I seeing all this business?
Rachel: Sean already knows who he’s sending home. He just feels like his relationships with the other two women are stronger. He feels terrible that he’s going to break someone’s heart the way his heart was broken by Emily. He tells Chris he was blindsided by Emily. He knows how bad it hurts. I feel like he’s sending AshLee home, but I’m hoping I’m wrong. Please send Lindsay home. Please. PLEEEEEEEASE!!! I like Catherine best, but I think AshLee is his best fit. That, and Lindsay drives me up a wall.
OK let’s get this over with. They’re making us think it’s Lindsay so I’m thinking it’s not. Ack. Oh, first we have to watch videos of the girls telling Sean how much they can’t wait to be his wife and make him happy. I don’t know how many times I have to watch this show to remember how it goes down. Where’s Chris Harrison when I need him? Sean looks uncomfortable watching Catherine’s video. Ruh-roh. Now, he looks uber upset watching AshLee so I really think she’s getting sent home. Oh can we just get this done?
Whoever is going home is someone he wanted to love forever but he knows he’s not supposed to. And he’s worried she won’t be ok. So it’s AshLee then, eh? Well, let’s find out already… Torture…
Melissa: So if he knows who he wants to send home, why not break it to her before the ceremony so she’s not mortified? Just a question. Man these are some yawn-worthy videos.
Rachel: Here we go. Time to drop the hammer.
First rose – Lindsay – Sigh….
Second rose – Catherine
That means AshLee is going home. Not sure how I feel about this. And she brought out the big guns for this too. And by guns, I mean the girls. And by the girls, I mean boobs. Wow, she looks pissed. And off she goes with zero intention of hearing from Sean. I’m honestly glad when people are pissed. I mean I know they signed up for this, but I appreciate it more than the sobbing “whys”. She has no interest in his explanation, but he still wants to tell her that he thought it was her from the very beginning. Dude, that isn’t making it better. A) You were into Tierra at the very beginning too and B) You’re basically telling her that the more you got to know her, the less you thought she was the one. Not cool. She’s boring a hole into his head with that glare. I guess she doesn’t think it’s cool either. He thinks the world of her & she should never doubt that. She has nothing to say. She’s just going to get in the van and go. He was sweating so hard through that whole thing that I really thought he was going to pass out. Muhahaha.
This wasn’t a silly game for her. It wasn’t about having fun. Well, a little fun might have helped. Guess he’s never going to get to see the inside of the preacher’s house now.
Melissa: DAY-UM AshLee with that cleavage! You’re rocking that dress girl. So too bad I’m thinking you’re going home and not going to get to party in that frock. Do you think they ask him to count to 30 after he picks up the rose before he’s allowed to say someone’s name? Oh, that was fantastic AshLee. I raise my glass to you, my dear, for that exit. Well done. Way to leave gracefully with your head high. Take note all you other girls who cried week 1!
Rachel: Well, I am now officially Team Catherine the whole way. And did you see the outtakes at the end with Sean saying he’s obsessed with pi? And no that is also not a euphemism. It’s 3.14. See, now that shit makes me like him. That shit makes me appreciate it when he says he’s weird. Can we get more of that and less of the “Tell me more about your childhood.” BS? And what’s with that letter at the Final Rose Ceremony in two weeks? Super curious but so not looking online. I’m not ready to find out that Santa isn’t real.
Melissa: Ugh, another second episode this week? I seriously I might need to get a big old crazy straw and drink straight from the bottle to make it through.