Real Housewives of Atlanta – Ep 14: Praise the Pageant

One Sentence Summary:  Look out The Miss… whatever… The world gets yet another pageant.

Our Thoughts: 

This Winey Bitches would like to start a petition to have Boris in every episode - who's with me?!

This Winey Bitches would like to start a petition to have Boris in every episode – who’s with me?!

Melissa:  I’m back my darlings… and I know after my week of sheer alcohol indulgence (I’m talking champers mojitos my friends – yeah that happened!!) I really should give my liver a rest, but what can I say, a lovely bottle of Twenty Bench called my name to accompany a lovely dinner this evening, and I’m trying to distroy the evidence in the bottle.  So I shall try my best to catch up tonight, and truth be told I have no idea what happened last week.  Let me also just say my DVR decided to block last week’s episode… which since I have “Bob’s Cable” we all know can easily happen – so I had to play catch up on  Sadly, I didn’t see the photos of Cynthia in her tiara until just now… Oh, I would have had lots to say in that write up.  Come on sweetheart, anyone over the age of 30 who isn’t a bride or at Disney really shouldn’t rock a tiara durning the day.  Well, unless you’re Heidi Dillon (formerly Big Rich Texas) and that’s only cause you’re so fab no one will challenge it.  At any rate, here I am ready to catch up with my ATL ladies – my secret favorites.

OK, I have to apologize for real-life getting in the way… such as it does.  Sadly the day job, Tae Kwon Do for my son and lots of work issues stalled my delivery of this week.  Sorry friends, I’m a bad Winey Bitch but here we go, let’s catch up with our ATL ladies and Cynthia’s new project du jour.

Pageant Help

If I keep smiling at you like I'm crazy you might change your mind.

If I keep smiling at you like I’m crazy you might change your mind.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Here we go, getting ready for Miss Renaissance!!  Kenya stops by and we finally get Cynthia to share that in-between weaves she rocks wigs.  I knew it!!  Kenya brings by an aspiring model she’s currently mentoring to apply for the Bailey Agency school and the pageant.  Since Cynthia let Porsha go last week (Really???  Let her go??  Yeah, there wasn’t any “I see dead people” happening with that decision – I called that forever ago) she’s stuck having to do everything for her pageant.  Welcome to the real world Cynthia where you actually have to deliver what you say you will.  So in her woe is me party Kenya tells her she’s happy to sit her ass in the audience or be a judge if needed.  Oh, BT-dubs friends, Kenya doesn’t have cancer.  You know I can’t get my snark on here because any day a person is cancer free is a good day.  I’m coming up on my 15 year and can appreciate anyone getting that good news.  High-five Kenya.  Anywho, Cynthia caves and asks Kenya to be a judge for the pageant and appreciates any support at this point that she can get.  Girl, I’ll support you, just give me a holler next year.  I’ll judge the shit out of your pageant.  It’s not like I don’t spend my evenings judging others like it’s my job…

Baby Talk

Melissa’s What Happened:  So Porsha and Kordell meet up for dinner and act as they haven’t seen eachother in days.  Um, don’t you live under the same roof?  So Kordell doesn’t want to disrespect the work she’s been doing but he’d like her to come home a little earlier.  It’s just what he wants.  Um, what’s that now??  I might need to get on my little soapbox over here.  trying to change the subject to the always present babies, Porsha tells Kordell she wants to have a baby and not put her career on hold.  M’ok, I’m not seeing a huge red flag.  Hell, I have 2 careers and a child at home – it can be done.  Then again my son 3 times more mature than I am, so I might not be the best benchmark.  Kordell wants nothing to do with having a nanny and want his misses at home taking care of the kids.  Her idea is to borrow her brother’s baby to see if it’s something she can handle.  OH LAWD!!  He thinks she needs to become independent and not need anyone to help her.  Um Kordell, you’re losing me fast my dear… Like breaking the sound barrier fast… Like my head popping up at the 10am firing up of the blenders on vacation fast.  BTW Porsha, I (and many thousands of others) manage a career and a child without a nanny… just saying.

Aphrodisiacs With Friends?? 

Kandi and Todd seem a little concerned with the dinner selection of aphrodesiacs for the couples' dinner... any one thinking swingers?

Kandi and Todd seem a little concerned with the dinner selection of aphrodesiacs for the couples’ dinner… any one thinking swingers?

Melissa’s What Happened:  So Phaedra has 2 kitchens in her house.  Of course, who expected otherwise??  Looks like it’s a couple’s night with Kandi and Todd.  Anywho, Chef Roble is all about cooking up some aphrodisiac tastes for the group to sample and suggests he’s going to cook up some muscles because they make him think of vaginas.  Phaedra is excited he’s educated on genitalia and not using street jargon.  OK, hang on now.  I appreciate a person who knows their way around the business end, I’m just not sure I care for them cooking up my dinner.  I mean really, have you washed those hands?  I don’t know where they’ve been, and I’m a bit concerned given your obsession with the undercarriage!  Oh hey, there’s a girls trip to LA and then Vegas.  That should be some good fun.  Talk turns to Kandi’s new gospel sound until dinner is served.  I’ve also just (unfortunately) learned when Todd gets to drinking Kandi can’t get it to go down.  Well, we all pretty much know that’s a given, but I don’t need it shared with me.  Here’s the thing.  I can’t look at Todd now not knowing that.  It’s like like seeing sweet Marshall Eriksen all naked in Forgetting Sarah Marshall – it’s wrong on so many levels and you CAN’T un-see it.  Much like that tongue action Phaedra just wagged at Apollo’s direction.  SHEESH!!

Praying for a Hit

Melissa’s What Happened:  So we’re back to Kandi’s pursuit of Gospel music working with Marvin Sapp, yeah she knows how to pick folks to partner with.  Well, I guess when you’ve got a hits under your belt you can be a little choosy.  Aw look Kandi’s dad stops by to support his little girl and get her out of the hedonism!  For real, I love this family.  You know they are so much fun at a Sunday bbq at the house tossing horse shoes and sipping on some lemonade… Well, you know with a little shot of somethin-somethin if you’re hanging at my house.  Anywho, I got lost in thoughts of spiked lemonade on a summer day.  OK, sorry… Kandi isn’t sure how to ask Marvin to put some stink on it for his portion of the song.

Catch Up

If it were me I wouldn't let Kenya anywhere NEAR my project

If it were me I wouldn’t let Kenya anywhere NEAR my project

Melissa’s What Happened:  NeNe is back in ATL and Cynthia stops by to visit and catch up on life with NeNe in LA.  Cynthia asks if it still seems crazy to her and NeNe tells her how hard it is to remember her lines.  Talk turns to the pageant and Kenya being a judge.  Yeah, I’m with you and that fish eye about the whole situation NeNe.  Dare I said I had the same look!  NeNe thinks you know a fool is a fool and she needs to be careful with Kenya being a judge.  Cynthia tells her it’s a whole different world from fashion shows and she’s stressed to make sure she pulls it off.  The ladies pinky-swear that all will be good for Cynthia.  After the pageant Cynthia wants a girls trip and thinks it’s a trip to LA to see NeNe.  Meanwhile apparently LA is now where NeNe finds her peace and serenity and doesn’t want any of it shattered by the outlandish ladies’ behavior.  Amen lady… A-MEN!!  A glass is raised to Miss Renaissance.

Mommy 101 – What NOT To Do

Porsha know Twizzlers are the perfect snack for a year old - it's like she's been doing this for years!

Porsha know Twizzlers are the perfect snack for a 1 old – it’s like she’s been doing this for years!

Melissa’s What Happened:  Here we go, it’s Porsha’s chance to prove she can be a good mommy.  OK, as a mommy… seeing her raise her neice up the stairs by the arm sent shock waves through me!  Sweet Mary please don’t ever do that again!!  OMG, Twizzlers for a year old?!  Why not just give Jayden a pair of scissors to run with or some pop rocks and soda while you’re at it!!  We all know they did Mikey in!  OK, they didn’t but it scared all of us kids into not mixing that combo.  God Bless the internet for clearing that one up!  Well, then again I’m sure Porsha has no clue who Mikey is.  I love she’s thinks the dog is a good babysitter… and puts the child on a step stool.  OMG, I can’t stop cringing!!  Don’t get me wrong friends I’m the farthest from mother of the year, but I’m even more cautious with someone else’s child.

Putting Some Stink On It

Melissa’s What Happened:  Back in the studio with Marvin to work on the song.  I have to say, this is a fascinating process watching music being made.  Applause for Marvin and Kandi thinks she needs to go back and re-sing her pieces.  Oh Kandi, you know this is going to be an awesome piece of work… silly woman.

Pageant Up Ladies!

The first (and most likely last) class of Miss Renaissance girls.

The first (and most likely last) class of Miss Renaissance girls.

Melissa’s What Happened:  It’s time for the Miss Renaissance pageant and clearly Cyrus is ready to strut his own self in that awesomely fantastic nod to Barry Manilow’s early days.  Actually, not sure Barry would be caught in that pink combo.  Seems Borris Kodjoe who is co-hosting the pageant thought it was a casual event.  May I jump in here and say I really could care less what he’s wearing that man is FINE!  Seriously Cynthia, even in that frock of yours he’s outlooking you my dear.  Cynthia thinks it’s a sign, but regardless it’s on with the show.  Kenya decides she needs to rock her own sash for the event… You know just so no one will confuse her with Miss America.  HA, seriously I have no clue what’s being said when Boris is on.  Seems the script is out of order but really let’s stop talking and just close up on Boris who clearly is wondering how he got caught up in this nightmare.

Kicking the show off Cynthia’s mic isn’t working but there’s handsome Boris with a backup and we’re off and running with the fun fashion portion of the show.  Wait, is it about their outfits or the girls in them?  They have the girls out of order from the script and we all know Cynthia needs to keep the show to the script.  Porsha finally drags in with her nieces one of which is helping with the one she’s supposed to be able to take care of.  Hey, back to the disaster of a show and the teens that they left standing back stage.  During intermission Kenya tries to talk to the crowd and calm Cynthia down a bit.  I guess the intermission did the trick and things settled down… for now.  Hell Yeah, I want to see Borris walk the runway.  Yeah, I wouldn’t mind watching Boris walk for the whole hour of this show.

While Boris entertains the crowd Cynthia tries to get the votes together and crown her Miss Renaissance… Selena.  OK, truth be told as soon as I heard about this I googled and saw Miss Selena getting her crown.  Congrats ladies!  All the ATL ladies rally to support Cynthia’s pageant and Cynthia is ready to head to LA to see her girl NeNe.

Bottom Line:  

Melissa:  I think we should have a Winey Bitch pageant with the talent portion mixing the perfect Winey Bitch cocktail.  Hmmm, I might be on to something…


2 responses to “Real Housewives of Atlanta – Ep 14: Praise the Pageant

  1. I am glad I am not the only one who cringed when I saw Portia pull her niece up the stairs by one arm!

    • I had to rewind because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I should have just waited for the Twizzlers snack time to validate her “skills” with children.

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