Vanderpump Rules, Sn 1, Ep 7 in 1000 or less (I’m making this up as I go)

I’m In Love With Someone Else

Wow, when I'm sober, I can see what a total dick you are.

Wow, when I’m sober, I can see what a total dick you are.

Rachel’s Thoughts:

Melissa’s back but being punished at work for having fun so I’m going to be playing catch-up for both of us this week.  Right now, I feel badly about how far behind we are.  But in a little bit I’ll have enough wine in my system that I won’t even remember that we’re behind.  See, you need to have the edges dulled before diving into an episode of Vanderpump Rules.  That’s the only way to not notice how many brain cells are dying every time you give these geniuses an hour of your life.  Let’s do this…

A lot of words…

Jax & Laura-Leigh hit the Sweat Shop to release some toxins. And that’s not a euphemism.  This is actually sitting in a sauna and sweating.  Why?  Jax thinks she should go to NYC for her career… or for space.  Katie meets Stassi’s new puppy, Venice.  They talk about her break-up with Frank.  She’s ok to be on her own & get her shit together.  Ha, yeah.  Good luck.  She’s also hoping Jax won’t be as mean to her now. LL thanks Jax for helping her get clean again.  She’s been sober now for 6 days.  There’s no need for Jax to worry about her relapsing b/c she feels great.  You’ve only been sober 6 days.  You do realize that’s less than a week, right?  You aren’t sober in dog years.  Oh Jax, the tangled web you’re woven.  Lisa asks Katie & Peter to work a dinner she’s having for Mohammed. Scheana won’t be working the dinner if Brandi’s coming.  Rooftop sunbathing for the girls. It’s a work day for Staasi who owes Pandora a blog entry.  But she’s more interested in slamming LL.  Kristen finally shows up & ignores Stassi.  Ah, grown ups.  Pandora wants her blog post.  Stassi is trying really hard to turn in her work… yes from the bar at the pool.  Super hard.  LL goes to an AA meeting & discusses drinking & meth.  Jax comes for support and then half breaks up with her immediately after hearing how screwed up she is.  He needs space.  She needs air.  He doesn’t feel like taking care of an alcoholic.  So you thought you could just bang one instead?  Dick move.  So yeah, he just wants to slow down everything but the sex.  Dear God woman, slap him across the face!  Pandora visits mom & discusses Pandora’s lack of contributions to the website.  Like two months of lack.  So it’s time to face Lisa & Pandora.  Lisa says it’s time for the BS to end or she’s losing both jobs.  The Toms & Jax go to the park and pretend to work out.  Jax sets the girlfriend bar too high too fast.  He’s still emotionally invested in Stassi & the guys don’t get it.  No one gets it.  Stassi is mad that LL wants to be in the same section as her at work.  Peter isn’t interested in drama.  LL confronts Stassi & asks her to take the victim tampon out of her ass.  Bravo.  Stassi lets her know that Jax is still texting her.  Guillermo catches the showdown and is pissed.  Stassi wants to go home, but it’s a Friday night.  He sends her home anyhow.  She had better get fired.  Lisa’s son plays at the Viper Room with Tom.  Wait, Sur stands for Sexy Unique Restaurant?  Oh, that’s so cheesy.  Really, Lisa?  Scheana finds out she’s not working Lisa’s party & is pissed that she missed her audition for this.  You’re still working so what’s the damage?  Jesus, these people are morons.  Utter idiots.  Sheana refuses to work Kristen’s shift and walks out.  So you’d rather make no money?  Lisa finds her in the bathroom & tells her she’s ridiculous.  Why does it say Toilettes on the inside of the door?  Even after Lisa tells her to chill the fuck out, Scheana leaves.  I want to Ralph Macchio Crane Kick these twits.  Jax pulls Stassi aside and wants her to know he still loves her.  LL is a “mere distraction”.  Dick.  DICK!  He wants to earn trust back & be a better person.  Well, being a better person doesn’t start with sleeping with someone that is in a really vulnerable place & leading her on.  Stassi isn’t interested in him… right now.  He’ll be her best friend.  He’ll fix it.  He’s going to be with no one until he gets her back.  She smiles because she knows that means LL is getting dumped.  LL gets the news from Jax via him ignoring her texts & calls.  Upstanding behavior.  So she rolls into Sur & demands an explanation.  He doesn’t want to do this at work.  She won’t be bullied out of the restaurant.  She will humiliate him in front of customers though.  She deserves the respect of a conversation.  True.  He actually has the balls to say that he didn’t have a convo with her out of respect for Stassi.  Wow, that is something else.  Low down dirty DICK!  Bravo to Laura Leigh for laying down some law.  Jax is the worst person in the world this week.

Bottom Line:  

I have a whole new respect for Laura Leigh.  Behind that hideously annoying baby voice is a fierce bitch who won’t be ignored.  She may boil a bunny however.

PS – Jax is so copping to the prego porn star next week.

Photo:  bravo.com
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