One Sentence Summary: Lisa tries another tea party and strikes out again.
Rachel: Hi all. Again, I apologize for the lateness, but I’m out of town on business and Melissa is in Aruba. So, I’m a half-woman show this week. And yes, I fully got the short end of the stick on this one. She’s drinking mojitos on a sandy beach and I’m… not. Although I am in LA, which is never bad. I just wish I had some spare time to go and stalk Beverly Hills for some Housewife sightings. But I don’t even have time for a glass of wine at Sur. Thankfully for you, however, I don’t have any Valentine’s Day plans so I get to spend the evening drinking wine, eating chocolate I bought for myself and catching up on reality TV. Who said blogging isn’t glamorous? Sure wasn’t me. For a moment I forgot that tonight is the night that Brandi & Adrienne come face to face. Lord give me strength. I’m so over these two and the insanity around the non bombshell… though I did hear a rumor from a pretty reliable source at the baby shower I attended Sunday that we’re not getting the real story. Hmm…. Wonder what it could be… Wonder if I still care…
We start with Kyle having issues finding room for all her clothes. Am I supposed to feel badly that she has run out of room in her closet that is the size of most people’s bedrooms? The most I’m giving is a bored eye roll to this situation.
Anyway, Kyle is getting ready to go to Lisa’s to discuss the state of their friendship. It’s time to sit down and get it all out on the table. Kyle doesn’t like having issues with her friends and it makes her physically ill to know there’s tension over a petty argument. I don’t know. I wouldn’t call Lisa feeling that you didn’t stick up for when her character was attacked petty.
Kyle arrives and there is a few minutes of awkward small talk before Lisa launches into Kyle not backing her up when Camille accused her of not owning Sur. An accusation that I’m still confused about. It really made no sense. But anyway, Kyle didn’t think that needed defending since Lisa addressed it on her own. Her not jumping in wasn’t to not defend Lisa. It was to not create another fight in the room. Fighting makes Kyle anxious. Well, it makes Lisa anxious too. And yet, you both spend a majority of your lives around fighting. So, there’s that. Honestly, this is all so stupid.
Lisa thinks it’s time for Adrienne to come back to the group and speak for herself instead of everyone arguing in her defense. So she’s hosting a tea for all the ladies. Yes, because the last one went so well. Let’s do it again! Get your ear plugs ready. It’s gonna get loud in here.
Oh wait, here we go with the reunion character assassination video. We’re going here again? Yes, because Lisa still needs Kyle to understand why their relationship has changed. Kyle gets it and just wants to move past it. Seriously, Lisa. Let it go. Kyle didn’t attack you. Adrienne did. And you’ve moved past it with Adrienne… so you keep saying. You really need to move past it with Kyle too. I’m actually getting embarrassed for you. It’s petty being this upset because your friend didn’t get mad enough for you. If you don’t want to be friends with Kyle, don’t be friends. If you do, then you just have to accept Kyle for who she is. She’s a pot stirrer. She’s not a defender. She sits back and watches shit fly around her. That’s who she is. And she’s right, you gotta stop holding grudges. It’s such a waste of energy.
Yolanda has invited Brandi into her perfect world to watch her daughter horseback ride. OK, seriously there’s not an ounce of fat between the two of them. Annoying. Yolanda is liking Brandi more and more because she likes an honest girl. Wait, did Yolanda just say she is sorry that she can only afford one horse for her kid? I don’t know where to start with all the things wrong with that sentence. Seriously, I’m incredulous at how insane that is on so many levels. Levels that I have a feeling I don’t need to spell out for you… So, let’s just keep going before my head explodes.
Brandi thanks Yolanda for trying to diffuse the situation in Vegas. Oh wait, that’s right. How my swiss cheese wine-addled brain forgets… Kyle did pipe up in Vegas and tell Yolanda that she won’t stay out of it because she defends her friends. I guess she forgot that part when she was trying to tell Lisa that she’s Switzerland. Brandi was hoping that Yolanda would be attending Lisa’s tea, but she has to be out of town. This makes Brandi nervous since Adrienne will be attending as well. Yolanda thinks Adrienne is a very insecure woman who uses her status to intimidate people. Yeah, pretty much. She also thinks that in the big picture Adrienne Maloof is nobody. ha… I would agree here as well, but I don’t need a letter from her lawyers over here at Winey Bitch West. I just hope that Brandi listens when Yolanda says to blow it all off. Well, I say I hope but I know that it’s a waste of time. I’ve seen the previews.
Time for tea at Lisa’s. That house is insane. Just ridiculous. Before the ladies arrive, we have to do a little cross-promotion for Vanderpump Rules with Lisa telling Jax & Peter to enjoy their afternoon bartending with cougars. And we have to have a conversation with Brandi about keeping her mouth shut. What a waste of time. And doesn’t it get exhausting having a friend that you have to admonish before every event to keep her pie hole closed unless she’s putting food or booze into it? I know I’m exhausted. I’m also hiccuping… maybe I ought to slow down on the merlot.
Taylor shows up with a vibrator for Lisa. I forgot she was even on this show. Adrienne heads out to Lisa’s and is worried about seeing Brandi. She doesn’t think she’s going to get the warm and fuzzies from her. Really? What gives you that idea? I love hanging out with people that sue me. On her way, she picks up Kyle and The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick. Fuck me. Who invited her? I really hate her. And I’m not someone that uses that word lightly. But she’s a big bowl of suck soup. And I love how Adrienne is all about leaving things behind and moving forward when I’m pretty sure her face has been all over the press drudging up the past. Taylor thinks Adrienne has been selling stories to the press.
Oh, it seems Kyle showed up with Faye unannounced and uninvited. Who does that? Seriously, weren’t you just talking about how mannered you were in the car as you were on your way to a party you weren’t invited to? And as if there weren’t enough tension in the room, Camille shows up. But at least she came bearing gifts. Nothing says, “Let’s let bygones be bygones” better than presents. I know it works for me.
Kim calls to tell Lisa that she won’t be making it to the party because her new puppy hit her in the face. Seeing as how she’s recovering from a nose job, this is a bad fact. However, she also said during the conversation that she “shouldn’t have been out.” Wait, did the dog hit you or were you out somewhere? And so begins again the strange excuses from Kim as to why she’s not showing up to parties. But what’s even stranger is that Lisa chose to take this call from the bathroom.
OK, not even kidding. Nodded off during the commercial break. Yep, that’s how I feel about this episode. Yay, we’re sitting down to our formal tea now. Our formal tea where everyone is drinking rosé and no one is drinking tea. My kind of tea party. And yet, I’m still bored out of my skull tonight. I’m getting a headache with all this pink and all these women eating their food without using their lips. Is keeping your lipstick on really that important? And did I just see Taylor’s ass and her flipping the bird in the last 30 seconds? Just shoot me now.
And as we continue to talk about Taylor and her gymnastics, she says that she’ll do a handspring, but if she breaks her neck, she’s suing Lisa… since everyone there likes to sue each other. Jesus Taylor, really? Kyle tries to change the subject to her white party… How much fun will that be? Taylor? Well, the white party for her is a bad memory since she & Russell were kicked out because of lawsuits. Sigh… Someone take the wine out of Taylor’s hand. I’m starting to think she might need to spend some time at Kim’s special place… allegedly. Lisa pulls Taylor & Brandi aside and tells them to cut the crap with the innuendos. Brandi’s not sure why she’s in the conversation. Neither is Taylor but she’s also not sure where she is.
Back at the table, Adrienne says she knows where this conversation is going but she’s not suing anyone… and by anyone, she means Brandi. Camille gets her back and says this is true. How do you know, Camille? And I thought you didn’t want to be on the show this year? So let’s keep it quiet over there. Taylor returns after being told to STFU and immediately proceeds to accuse Adrienne of threatening to sue Brandi. Adrienne denies. Taylor scoffs. Kyle pretends she has no idea what’s going on. I pour more wine. No, Taylor, you may not have some.
As Brandi & Lisa return to the table, Taylor asks Brandi if she got a letter from Adrienne threatening to sue her. OMG! Someone call the gimp and ball-gag this bitch! Brandi says yes, her lawyer got a letter. Adrienne says there’s no letter. Brandi says fine. Taylor continues to question Adrienne. Adrienne denies. Camille defends some more. And the wheels start to come off the apple cart. Can you guess what happens next? Me too… You said, no you said, no you said, no you said. But you aren’t nice. No you aren’t nice. You’re obsessed with me. No you’re obsessed with me. Can we just see the letter so we can just stop this? And I love that Taylor is just sitting back eating her dessert like this is just happening around her. And with that, tea is over. And so am I… Over this show. Over this entire situation. It’s so tedious at this point. Seriously, an entire season about petty childish accusations? Snore.
Rachel: I hated tonight.