One Sentence Summary: Sean’s brain shifts out of neutral and starts making smart decisions.
Rachel: This week Melissa is vacationing in Aruba and I am in LA for business. So, I am going to be covering as much as I can as fast as I can so I ask that you bear with me if I’m late…. and if I don’t give you my usual 20,000 word reviews. That last part might actually thrill you. But I’m sure you can appreciate that even Winey Bitches need a break. I’ll let you know when this one gets hers. I’m hoping that tonight I get a little one in the way of Tierra being sent home. I have barely a shred of respect left for our bachelor now that he’s kept her around this long, even after witnessing her behaving badly with Robyn. Add that to the manner in which he sent Sarah packing, and Sean is starting to really work my last nerve. So Sean, I’m politely requesting that you pull your head out of your ass and get this train back on its rails. I can’t keep drinking this much in hopes of dulling the Tierra pain. Thank you. My liver thanks you too.
Welcome To Fantasy Island
We’re off to warm weather and that can only mean one thing! Soft Core Sean! Hang on to your diaphragms ladies, I think you expect a six-pack to go along with your hot toddies tonight. I hope you got waxed because it’s beach time! Oh but wait, we are all flying to St. Croix together so we are being gipped once again out of deep half-naked thoughts. I don’t understand why the producers haven’t figured out that you can’t feed the kiddies candy every week and then just rip it out of their hands without repercussions. But Sean is excited because he’s more convinced than ever that his wife is in this group of women… excited and clothed.
The women arrive at their hotel, take in the views and discuss possible dates with Sean. Well, everyone but Tierra. She’s too busy setting up her cot away from the other girls because she doesn’t share space with women who like her boyfriend. I feel like Tierra has a box of decapitated Barbie dolls under her bed at home. There’s only room for one woman in Ken’s life! Take that bitch!
Cougar Say Rawr
Time for the date card and the prize goes to AshLee. Do I need to tell you that this doesn’t please Tierra? Didn’t think so. But I do need to tell you that she responded by calling AshLee a “cougar” and saying that she has to wonder how AshLee hasn’t found someone by now. Yes, the horror of being single at 32. This is girl is just hateful and needs to brush up on her slang. AshLee’s got about a solid 8 more years before anyone needs to refer to her as a cougar.
But she has bigger things to attend to than dealing with Tierra’s inane barbs. She has a catamaran to share with Sean as they sail around St. Croix. And ladies, welcome to your sweet sweet ab time. As the pair jump off the side of the boat, AshLee tells us that she loves who Sean is. She feels like she can let her guard down with him. So much so that when he asks her about Tierra, she lays it out very matter of factly. Tierra is not who he thinks she is. She’s a cranky pants. I probably would have used different terminology, but I’m just happy she went there. As is Sean who finds AshLee’s honesty refreshing. As will be the girls back in the house who have been discussing whether or not she’s going to tell him. Now, let’s all just hope it registers in his nugget.
That night, at dinner, AshLee confesses that there’s something Sean needs to know before the hometown visits. After a lot a lot a lot of hemming and hawing, she tells him that 15 years ago, her junior year of high school, she was going through a rough time and married her boyfriend. Really? All that build-up for that? I mean I’m sure it was dramatic for her, but it’s not so much for us. Nor is it for Sean. He was waiting to hear about the 7-11 she robbed, not the boy she was married to for a hot minute in high school. But she wants to come to him whole and she hopes this doesn’t ruin their day. Man, I must be a big bag of jaded because this really doesn’t even register as an issue in my book. Glad she told him. Knowledge is power. But a little more drama than necessary… kinda like Coldplay. Anyway, Sean thinks she’s perfect the way she is. And she thinks he’s the cat’s pajamas. So much so that pulls a Tom Cruise by jumping up on her chair and shouting that she loves him to the world. Well, to St. Croix. Ah, if only there was a rose to give away tonight… but she’ll have to wait until the rose ceremony.
The Final Group Date
Catherine, Desiree & Lindsay get the group date, which starts with a surprise visit from Sean in the wee hours of the morning. This means seeing the ladies without make-up, which was his goal. You know, because this too is a test one has to pass to be his wife. He even brought a camera to document it. Oh, you’re hilarious, Sean. But the girls looked great and that is good news to Sean. Another box on his list is checked; looks good without makeup. Yeah, I can promise you that this box would not be getting checked if he pulled that crap with me. I don’t mind the surprise wake-up, but the documenting it to find out how I look make-up-less is straight douchebaggery. And I don’t do douchebaggery… for more than 6 months… usually.
Off the happy foursome goes to watch the sunrise in the easternmost part of the United States. They are the first 4 people to see the sunrise in the country. Well, the first 4 plus the production crew. I must say that it’s lovely and enjoying it with mimoas makes it even lovelier. But they only have a few minute to take it in, as they have to get to the westernmost part of the St Croix before the sun sets. Road trip! Hope they brought roadies with them. First stop along the way is a sugar mill. Snooze. Next stop, a cafe and yummy fruity drinks. No food, natch. Then a treehouse to climb. While Lindsay & Catherine climb to the top, Des & Sean hang out below and play on the vines. And no, that’s not a euphemism. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that this bachelor is an angel. This makes the other two girls uncomfortable since they feel like they’re not getting the same attention. Wah.
They make it to the other side of the island before the sunset and do a little swimming. Then it’s one-on-one time. First up, Lindsay, and we have to hear about the wedding dress, AGAIN! There’s some baby talk and some kissing and someone is crying. Oh wait, that’s me crying because I can’t take the two of them another minute. Next up, Catherine, my girl. She tells Sean that she doesn’t talk about her dad because he lives in China, where he moved after a suicide attempt in front of her & her siblings. Damn. She’s worried how Sean will react, but it just makes him admire her strength more. Des gets her time and gets teary when she talks about her family. They’re her everything & she doesn’t take many people home to meet them. So this is a big deal for her. Her body pisses me off. No that has nothing to do with anything. But it does.
Time for the rose…. Sean feels so comfortable around each one of them, but has to give someone the rose. By a mile they all blew him away, but one girl’s affections haven’t waivered since day one. That girl is Lindsay. Ack. And with that, let’s have an awkward non-sunset on the beach.
Fruit & Nitpicking
Lesley obviously gets the last date card. She’s excited, but will have to wait for Sean to come back from his group date. In the meantime, she & AshLee get some sun and discuss Tierra…. right within earshot of Tierra. AshLee doesn’t think she has the nerve to confront her anymore. Are you joking? Tierra lives to confront people.
But first, Lesley’s date… Is it wrong to say that I’m so bored of these dates already? I’m thinking 17 seasons of this is starting to wear on me. And did Sean borrow those shorts from Ben? Or do they all get issued red faded shorts? But let’s get back to the issue at hand… Sean isn’t feeling as close to Lesley as he is the other women so they have some making up (and making out, I’m sure) to do. They go fruit picking in an old rum factory. Lesley tells us that she has watched this show and thought the girls that said they were falling in love this quickly were fools. But here she is falling in love on The Bachelor… this quickly. So does that make her a fool now? I will reserve comment, but I think you know what my two cents on the subject is. And I have to ask then why she came on the show in the first place? Oh right, Sean. She saw Sean on TV and thought he could be her husband. Yes, that makes it so much different than the girls that came before. But really, I like Lesley so now I’m just being caustic because I’m bored and would like to get to the AshLee/Tierra fight already.
She tells Sean that if he comes home with her, they’ll probably go to her lake house and hang out with her amazing family. It’s literally her happy place and she literally can see Sean fitting in seamlessly… literally. How many times does she need to say “literally”? She tells him that she can see him as her best friend, but they also have great raw chemistry… but no love. Didn’t feel right so she didn’t say it. I can respect that. Let’s see if he does… Nope, not so much. For him it says that she isn’t confident about their relationship. Because she didn’t drop the “l-bomb” and climb all over you like a puppy in heat? Not mentioning any names…. Lindsay. Personally, I think he’s looking for a reason to let her go because it will make the rose ceremony easier on him. Plus, she’s too smart for him. Literally.
She tells him that she likes how he smiles with his eyes at her. I believe that is called smizing. Just ask Tyra. Then she kisses him and magically Sean feels their relationship progressing. Is that what we call it these days? I thought it was called a hard-on, but what do I know? She is definitely nervous and scared to let her guard down because him not wanting to meet her family would be a slap in the face. I got a bad feeling that you might want to stock up on some ice packs.
A Little Less Sparkle
Sean’s sister Shay has been flown to St. Croix to give her brother some advice as to which women should get to come home and meet her kids. Shay says the girls’ that don’t get hometowns hearts will get broken, but they’ll get over it like he got over his. Not the soft touch in the family, eh? Right now, he says that none of the women stand out over any of the other women. That can’t possibly be true. Shay says that the family’s biggest concern is that he gets hurt by picking the wrong girl. She doesn’t want to watch and be like “Oh no! Not that one!” Then I suggest you not watch the show.
And speaking of the devil (literally), Tierra tells AshLee that she felt distance from Sean on their date and she thinks she’s being sabotaged. AshLee would like to know who exactly is sabotaging her, because no one is. Hmm… I’m not sure what dictionary she’s reading, but I’m pretty sure telling someone that someone else is a bad person so they get sent home is technically sabotage. Now I’m not saying it’s wrong. In fact it’s oh-so-right. But listen all y’all, it’s a sabotage.
AshLee says the issue is Tierra’s character and her behavior in the house. Tierra says she not saying “good morning” to someone isn’t a character issue. It’s because she doesn’t need to have high school conversations. She’s a grown woman. Wait til tomorrow when I start behaving like a grown-ass woman and ignoring my hosts when they wish me a good morning. This should go over well. Oh wait, there might be a wrench in my plan. Apparently, you can get away with having no character when it’s because girls are jealous that men love you. Damn, thought I had a foolproof system for eradicating that pesky “good morning” from my life.
And did Tierra just tell AshLee that she hopes that when she’s her age (the ancient 32) she has a family and isn’t sitting around gossiping with 20-year-olds. It’s nasty enough to say it behind her back, it’s a whole new world when you say it to her face. Yeah, this is when you would have seen me horizontal to the ground as I launched at that little bitch. But Tierra walks away and AshLee goes to tell the girls.
Tierra hears this and comes back for more. The conversation somehow ends up being about Tierra not being able to control her eyebrows because she’s never had Botox and her parents hoping she didn’t lose her sparkle. I don’t know. Basically, nothing is her fault. What I don’t get is why neither Catherine nor Lesley jump to AshLee’s defense. The bitch is a nightmare. Say it. And I really wish AshLee would stop justifying and just say, yeah, I sabotaged you because you’re an asshole.
Meanwhile, Sean is still working through his dilemma with his sister. He doesn’t know what to do about Tierra. His sister warns him again about being with the girl no one likes. Apparently, Sean still has his Tierra deflection shield on because he’s still not hearing it. Instead, he thinks a meeting between his sister & Tierra would be helpful. Ha, I hope this is as good in real life as it is in my head.
Of course, Sean is walking up to the condo as the drama is escalating. Needless to say, he walks in on her crying on her cot. And by the way, wtf is up with the cot? Sean tells her he wants her to meet someone. Did you want to ask why she’s crying… again? Though I guess you know why since it’s the same story over and over… and she’s not shivering this time. She’s just so sensitive and has such a big heart so she just doesn’t know how to take it all. When he doesn’t say anything, she realizes she has to go deeper. She tells him that their date weighs heavy on her heart because she knows someone sabotaged her and that’s why she had to confront her. Sean wants to know who that person is. She says AshLee. Aha! The sabotaged becomes the saboteur! This girl is a master manipulator.
Sean excuses himself to have a moment alone. Is the mighty oak starting to sway? Seems it took his sister to knock some sense into that big blonde blockhead of his. Maybe? Possibly? He goes back in and tells Tierra that he wanted to introduce her to his sister. This makes her cry harder. Don’t know why, but then again I don’t speak lunatic. He says he’s crazy about her, but he thinks that in light of hard this is on her, it might be best if she goes home now. Hold on, let me rewind that. I want to make sure I heard it right. And well, hear it again before she starts fighting for her Bachelor life.
Looks like Tierra is out of games to play as all she can muster is a measly “sorry”. Wow, I’m shocked she’s giving up so easily. Well, she does manage an “I’m not going to be ok” moment. But finally Sean’s brain woke up from the coma and ding dong the witch is dead! As Tierra cries her way out of town, she says that she hopes the girls got what they wanted. Oh, they did. We all did. Sean tells his sister that he sent Tierra home because he knew it wasn’t right & he’d hurt her more if he she stayed. I don’t really care what his reasons are. TIERRA’S GONE!!!! I might have to open some champagne.
The women walk into the rose ceremony still not knowing what the situation with Tierra is. They are worried that she’s coming back. Oh she’s not coming back. She’s going back to whence she came so she can reclaim her sparkle. Sean comes to the party to tell the girls that Tierra went home. He saw how upset she was today and he had a moment of clarity that this was not his wife. She’s drama and he’s not looking for that in a partner. Took ya long enough. Too bad you sent home some awesome women in her place. He also had clarity about his decision tonight so there won’t be a cocktail party. Panic at the disco! The girls are worried now, none more than AshLee because she is the one that started the fight with Tierra. Is that the “drama” he doesn’t need? Lesley is banking on that being the case. And how happy is Lindsay? You know she has a death grip on that rose right now.
Time for the Rose Ceremony…
Have roses: Lindsay
Got Roses: Desiree, Catherine (whew) & AshLee
Booted: Tierra & Lesley
AshLee feels this rose proves she can trust him. This is her husband. Tell that to the other three girls that feel the same way. Catherine is inexplicably inconsolable over the loss of Lesley because she was convinced that Lesley had more in common with Sean than she does. This shakes her confidence because she doesn’t know what he’s looking for now. Um, I have no idea what moment you’re having Catherine, but do a shot of tequila and get it together. I’m rooting for you. Don’t make me regret it.
Rachel: Um, all I know is that Tierra is gone and Sean comes close to getting punched out by Des’s brother next. There’s a happy Winey Bitch in your midst people.