One Sentence Summary: Vegas comes in like a lamb and goes out like a lion.
Rachel: So here we are again, except this time we’re going in actually knowing the big “secret” that Brandi told everyone. The one that Adrienne said was a lie and was character assassination. The one that destroyed her so-so-strong marriage. You know, that she used a surrogate to carry her twins. Man, that’s some lame shit; not surrogacy, mind you, but the actual story. The actual non-lie lie. How could this ruin a marriage? Seriously. We all have been watching the Bickersons for the last two seasons. It’s a hard pill to swallow that this was the stick of dynamite that exploded. Adrienne also told Life & Style Magazine that Paul & Brandi have forgiven each other, which is just Brandi’s way of hurting her further. That, and she’s taking a step back from taping with the women because she feels betrayed. Dear Lord woman, you seriously need to touch base with Planet Earth because you are living in your own private Idaho. As for Paul & Brandi, have you never heard the expression: my enemy’s enemy is my friend? Look it up. I think it will be a lightbulb moment for you. Then you can go about your business being a cougar with Rod Stewart’s son. Rawr!
It’s time for Brandi to learn her routine and give the rest of the ladies a shot on the pole. Marisa doesn’t see how being on a stripper pole is empowering. Pretty sure I said the same thing last week, but hey, you’re there. Have a little fun. Sometimes you can just have a good time for the sake of a good time. We might not call it empowerment, but we can call it a learning experience. Kyle and Camille take a “spin” and let’s just say Camille has a better understanding of how to work a pole. C’mon Kyle, now would be a great time to do one of your infamous splits.
Yolanda & Lisa are up next. Yolanda is fully game to have fun and support her friend, Brandi, so she can support her kids. See, now that’s the attitude. Lisa even gets up there and has a good time. Can’t deny fun when you’ve got a pink tutu around your waist. Then Marisa & Jennifer get their turn. Marisa can’t get on the pole and be sexy. She doesn’t do sexy ever. How about you remove the pole that’s in your ass and have a little fun on the pole on the stage? Just thinking your hubby might appreciate you discovering a little inner sexy.
Stilettos Trump Strippers
Back in the 90210, Adrienne is working on her accessory line. She says she would love to be in Vegas but it would be difficult with Brandi there. Um, ya think? And being that it’s her event, I’m pretty sure the decision wasn’t yours to make in the first place. But at least you’ll get to make a dig about her business being on a pole and yours being making shoes & bags. Oh Adrienne, you were my favorite cast member the first season. What happened to you? Do you not see your fans are jumping ship like you’re the Titanic? Sadness… But let’s look at your monogram purses. I’ve never seen those before.
Pray For Me
Kim gives Kyle a call to tell her about her nose job, but since no one can speak on their phones without it being on speaker, she announces it to the whole car. Yes, she’s thinking about getting her nose done… today. So you’ve scheduled a surgery you’re not sure about and only decided to talk it out hours before it’s supposed to happen? OK, this woman can’t be firing on all cylinders… allegedly. But she really wants it so she’s going to do it and Kyle should pray for her. Well, alrighty then.
Brandi wonders if Kim can take painkillers if she’s sober. Kyle assumes it’s been discussed because Kim’s sobriety is very important to her. Lisa is surprised they haven’t talked about her surgery before today. Then you must not be paying attention. Kim doesn’t tell Kyle anything because it’s Kyle’s fault she was a raging maniac on pills & booze. Oh, it’s Brandi’s fault too. Yolanda thinks the whole thing is a bad idea. Welcome to Kim, Yolanda.
Kim actually makes it to her appointment. She wants to make sure her doctor had a good weekend and is well rested before he operates. He promises she’s in good hands and off we go. Sweet Fancy Moses on buttered toast! Do we have to get up close & personal with her surgery??? I don’t care if her septum is deviated. Just show us the after photos.
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Look, it’s the happiest couple on earth! Paul walks in to his office to find Adrienne polishing her nails at his desk, which annoys him. And she disturbed his papers, which annoys him. And he can’t sit at his desk with her there, which annoys him. If these kids couldn’t make it, who can? But we’re here for some laser hair removal on Paul’s back & Adrienne would like him to get the “Mauricio” look. Gonna take more than some hair removal… just sayin. Somehow this offends Paul deeply and turns into an opportunity for Adrienne to call Paul out for comparing her to other women all the time. Seriously, how did they manage to not kill each other? Man, I’d hate to be around to hear them when they really go at it. That’s a lie. I’d kinda love it, actually. Oh come on, if you didn’t like a good train wreck, you wouldn’t be watching this show or reading this blog. You know I’m right.
It’s A Wrap
The new Kim has emerged from surgery with her new nose. She does have pain so the doctor is going to give her some medication… Sideway glances abound. OK, I’m in the room by myself, but if someone was here with me, we’d definitely be giving each other knowing looks. Kim wishes Kyle were there and visa-versa.
Was Only A Matter Of Time
Time for an in-suite dinner for the ladies of Vegas. Somehow we’ve decided to discuss Camille’s foray into soft-core porn. Sorry, it was Rated R. To-may-to/to-mah-to. You got shtupped on-camera. Brandi would like to make a film. Reach for the stars, Brandi. Camille suggests doing a private one instead. Good call.
Another amazing dinner gets served up and conversation turns to Kim. Everyone is a bit confused how someone has surgery without thinking it through. Well, it is Kim. Yolanda asks Jennifer, Brandi’s BFF, how dangerous it is for Kim to take pain meds at this point. For those that didn’t watch Celebrity Rehab like I did, Jennifer is a recovering addict and addiction specialist. She says that taking pain meds could “awaken the beast”. They generally suggest someone in recovery wait a year before doing a surgery. Kyle wishes everyone would stop talking about it. Yes, because pretending it’s not happening is the best form of prevention. Oh, and then there’s the fact that it’s your pot that’s being stirred. But the women all cheer, send positivity to Kim & move on.
Camille is quiet tonight because she’s sad about Adrienne. You know, since their last fun in Vegas was with her. Must you bring that up? Must you? Are you sad because you chose not to be a cast member this season and feel the need to start something? Or is it boredom? Or could it be this whole nice act is over? Brandi tries to explain that she doesn’t dislike Adrienne. It’s just that she’s suing her…. Well, and you dislike her. Then Yolanda says Adrienne chose not to be there, which then pinballs to Lisa who wants Brandi to share a story, but she can’t because she’ll get sued, so Jennifer will tell it. And that is how this house of cards started to collapse.
Brandi was on speakerphone when Adrienne asked her to go against Lisa at the reunion taping & Jennifer heard it. Brandi called Camille who told her to just speak her truth. But Adrienne was mad about the Maloof hoof comment, which is somehow a valid excuse to Camille. You must be kidding me? There’s a benign joke and then there’s this. To viciously attack Lisa over it is, in a word, overkill. I mean it’s using a fire hose to water your houseplant. Apparently, Camille also said that she knew they were going to go after Lisa at the reunion. OK, maybe she did. Maybe she didn’t. Who cares? I mean maybe I’m missing something, but it’s not like Camille said she was going after Lisa. And really, the bottom line is that Brandi & Lisa are not fans of Adrienne’s and the same and more can be said back. Why are we still discussing it? We know you were attacked, Lisa. We all saw it and Adrienne showed herself to be a not very nice person. Let her live with that karma… It’s clearly paying dividends. And Brandi, you must stop creating drama in your life. It’s not worth whatever momentary satisfaction you get from it. I knew we couldn’t have fun in Vegas…
Camille storms out, because she can handle Brandi but she won’t stand for her throwing her under the bus. Kyle talks her into coming back. Camille tells the table that perception is a funny thing. What one person hears can be totally different than what someone else hears. Amen, sister. Now, you’re cooking with gas. Turn this ship around. Camille only knew that Adrienne was upset that Lisa didn’t go to the Palms for Pandora’s bachelorette. Another ridiculous drama by Adrienne. And speaking of ridiculous, Brandi pipes in with the fact that the Maloofs only own 2% of the Palms. So what? Why do you need to say that? I actually just threw my arms into the air in frustration. Kyle says it’s mean and it is mean. You’re not sharing info, you’re being bitchy. And for the record, I’d be thrilled to own 2% of the Palms.
And on it goes… everyone battling against & for Adrienne. Shut up! Just everyone stop talking about her and none of this would be an issue. Let her show up and fight her own battle for the love all things holy! And somehow Brandi saying the Maloof’s only own 2% of the Palms incites Camille to respond to Lisa with the accusation that she doesn’t own Sur. Whaaaat??? Where’s that coming from? So, let me get this straight… You know I don’t speak fluent Housewife… So Brandi says something shitty about Adrienne to Kyle which provokes Camille to say something shitty about Lisa in order to show Brandi she’s wrong. Right? Insanity.
Yolanda, take care of this please. She tells the table that they’ve now spent three dinners fighting and screaming over the same thing. It’s time to move on and let Adrienne fight her own fight. Truth! She also thinks Kyle likes to create drama. Truthier truth! But no one listens. Thankfully for Yolanda, and for us, the screaming is brought to screeching halt, literally, because her private plane is waiting for her to take her back to David & her veggie fridge. Camille & Kyle are apparently hitching a ride as well so I guess the fighting will have to continue at the next dinner. Yolanda thinks this nonsense is a waste of her time. Couldn’t agree more… and yet, here I am week after week, watching. No wonder I drink.
Anyway, as the ladies leave, Camille tells Brandi that she put her on the spot and though she doesn’t remember the conversation about the meeting with Adrienne, she remembers parts of the rest of it. Huh? Is that your way of saying Brandi’s right but you didn’t like being put in the line of fire? Interesting.
Kyle stops by Kim’s to check on her post-surgery. She is really excited for her new look. How can you see anything with the bandages on? Kim says she was given pain meds, but she didn’t take any. I hope this is correct.
She Said/She Said
Back at home with Ken, Lisa shares the story of Vegas while Kyle gives her version to Kim. Obviously we hear two different stories but both begin with Adrienne being the pin in the grenade. Kyle does say that Lisa was upset with her for not defending her, but Kyle doesn’t like to jump in when two women can defend themselves on their own. Hold on… doubled over with laughter… can’t type… Bwahahaha… Come on Kyle. There are few things you like better than jumping into the middle of other people’s shit. And with that, we’re out until we get sucked back into the same damn shit next week, although this time it looks like a lunch that will be ruined. Joy.
And we don’t get to see Brandi actually teach her class? What up, Bravo?
Rachel: I need more wine.