The Bachelor Season 17, Week 5.1 – Love Is A Battlefield

One Sentence Summary: The tyranny of Tierra takes another step toward total domination.

The look of women deliriously in love.

The look of women deliriously in love.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Can someone please explain to me why we need 4 hours of The Bachelor this week?  I mean if there was a special event happening that necessitated this, fine.  If they split the show into an hour each episode, fine.  Two full-length two-hour episodes two days in a row, torture.  I mean Tuesdays are my reprieve from the insanity of reality TV, although The Face starts tomorrow and I cannot WAIT to see Naomi Campbell go ape on a bunch of wanna-be models.  It’s going to be brilliant!  But 4 hours of Tierra and her drama is too much to take.  I said it last week and I’m saying it again, this bitch is worse than Courtney.  Let’s get this over with.

Melissa:   So, here we are again… back to visit our friendly neighborhood bachelor Sean.  Here’s the thing though folks, I’m totally not cool with the 2 night extravaganza.  I can barely make it through the 2 hours in one night I have to deal with every week, but to make me deal with 4 hours right before I get to head out for vacation… Oh, that shot right past shenanigans right to straight up BULLSHIT.  Yeah, I said it, I called bullshit on 4 hours of Bachelor drama in 1 week.  Granted I’m a little PMS-y and have a nasty headache, but for real, there isn’t a single thing they could produce this week that would be worthy of 4 hours of tears and drama.  OK, maybe Tierra freezing to death… or at the very least complete discomfort, but I doubt it.  She’ll spin that malarkey to her benefit and I’ll yet again find myself scratching my head questioning how people like her can exist.  OK, soap box away, let’s start the first 2 hours of hell.

We Interrupt Your Weekly Show For This Important Announcement

I think Ted Bundy's laugh looked a lot like this.

I think Ted Bundy’s laugh looked a lot like this.

Rachel:  Before we get into it, we want to share this message we received in our comments.  A former high-school classmate of Tierra’s dropped this little nugget of joy on us and we’re sharing with you… You know because we’re givers:

Very few people understand the excitement we get hearing how much Tierra is disliked! I went to high school with her in Las Vegas (Centennial HS, class of ’07 to be exact), and let me tell you, 90% of our school felt the same way about her. She hasn’t changed at all! She is still the over dramatic, selfish, rude b**** she was back then. NO one liked her because she’s mean and conniving, and will do anything to get her way. Just like she cheated her way to graduate. Having at least half a dozen classes with her, I know from experience. It’s relieving to see her true colors broadcasted for everyone to see.

That is correct.  Tierra the Terrible isn’t just pretending to be an asshole for the glory of the viewing audience.  This is real and it’s hideous and if Sean picks her then he can join the likes of Jake & Ben in the annals of sad clowns who thought with the wrong parts of their bodies.  Now, the show…

Get Your Passports Ready, We’re Going To Montana!

Look!  You can actually see mountains in the distance in Montana.

Look! You can actually see mountains in the distance in Montana.

Rachel:  So, the show hasn’t even started and we already know Tierra isn’t getting sent home tonight.  Thanks to the previews we know Tierra and her dramatic frostbite accident is still with us tomorrow night which means she’s not getting sent home tonight.  Well played, editors.  The thought of a second night of The Bachelor was already painful enough.

For the second week in a row, the show starts with Chris Harrison welcoming the ladies and explaining what will be happening this week, instead of half-naked Sean.  Are you trying to start a riot?   Anyway, this is the week for the two-on-one date, which I love for it’s pure evilness.  It’s also time for the crew to start traveling so everyone should pack up because they’re headed to…. Montana!  Squee!!!  This doesn’t make me writhe with jealousy.  It’s beautiful, but it’s cold.  I don’t do cold.

While the girls pack and get ready, it’s time for deep thoughts with Sean.  They should have “Thank God I’m A Country Boy” as his theme song.  Is it too cold in Montana for ab shots? I guess so.  Sorry, ladies.  Seems you’re going to have to pray for hot tub action tonight.  Or you can always surf the web… but do it later, we have some TV to watch now.

Melissa:  So they’ve taken to teasing us with Chris explaining the rules… Yet again.  Let’s just get along to the half nekkid shots of Sean.  HOLD THE PHONE!!  Sean is in a sweater?  What the F is that producers?  That’s entirely too many layers for the start of this show.  So the ladies are all sorts of “squee” over their arrival in Montana.  I mean, it’s beautiful, but no need for all the commotion.

Love In The Hay

So, you're not really crazy right?  That wedding dress thing was a one-time deal, correct?

So, you’re not really crazy right? That wedding dress thing was a one-time deal, correct?

Rachel:  Here comes the first date card:  Lindsay gets the one-on-one.  And here come the tears.  Can’t get through one date card without tears, can we?  

Sean comes by and swoops up Lindsay for their date.  They walk outside to a waiting helicopter.  Lindsay asks Sean if that’s a helicopter.  What the hell else would it be?  They’re going on a tour of Glacier National Park.  That looks not at all pleasant to me.  Rocky Mountain freezing.  But things get hot quick because the two of them are making out within 2 minutes of landing on top of the glacier.  But it’s not all steam… we do have some business to attend to.  Here come the family questions.  Answer carefully Lindsay!  This is a test.  She says she’s an army brat and moving around was hard.  Plus, her dad was gone a lot because the war started during her adolesence.  I almost asked “Iraq 1 or 2?” but she is 12 so she only knows about the one we’re currently wrapping up.  Sean tells her that she surprises him in a good way.  Yes, by not being the psycho he assumed she was when she rolled out of the limo in a wedding dress.  You ever notice that when he kisses, he never really touches the girl?  He just kinda lightly lingers over her back or legs.  What’s that about?

So, as usual, Sean is mooning over his date and says he can see a future with her.  And with that, the date rose is hers.  I think Sean should join the FLDS and marry ’em all.  He falls more than that woman in the Life Alert commercial.  Sean has one last surprise for Lindsay: Sarah Darling in concert… who?  And the whole town of Whitefish has come out to see this concert…. and these crazy folks falling in “love” on TV.  You know what would not be romantic for me?  Standing on a podium, in the cold with an entire town of people watching us.  

Melissa:  Really Lindsay, tears?  Ugh, I already want to stub my toe and smash my new pedi to try to get away from the pain that will be this drama.  I love the girls waving bye to Lindsay.  You know they’re all hoping it’s the last time they wave good bye to her.  Hey, I’m “outdoorsy”… In that I enjoy many cocktails on the deck, front porch, pool, or a lovely beach someplace.  That’s outdoorsy, no?  Shocking, Lindsay gets the rose.  So, I love that these people will now base their future dating life on the shit that happens on this show.  Real life?  Concerts don’t just magically appear in the middle of the street in Montana… Or Alabama.  Though she’s clearly swept up in the Bachelor-ness of it all.

Everyone’s A Winner!

Just open your throat and let the warm white liquid pour down your throat... That's how you make a boy like you.

Just open your throat and let the warm white liquid pour down your throat… That’s how you make a boy like you.

Rachel:  The group date card shows up and never has a girl wanted to be on it more than tonight, as the two that aren’t will be part of the two-on-one date.  The winners are:   Selma, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn, & Daniella.

That leaves Jackie & Tierra for the two-on-one – the most unsexy version of that expression ever.  And since we see Tierra is still around tomorrow, do we need to know what happens next? Tierra isn’t nervous because she knows he’s smitten with her.  I would say he’s smitten but he’s smitten with everyone.  That’s not that huge of an edge.

The group date girls show up in the middle of the wilderness and it is amazingly pretty.  Wait, what is on Selma’s head?  Toss that shit off the mountain, woman.  It’s time for some outdoorsy good fun with a Montana relay race!  Chris is going to break the girls into teams of 4.  They have to canoe, stack hay, saw logs and milk a goat as a way to prove to Sean that they are the right woman for him.  You know, because nothing says “marriage material” like a girl that can saw a log.  Oh, and as if this weren’t humiliating enough, one girl from each team has to drink the goat’s milk.  Well, at least it’s lactose-free.  

Red Team – Selma, Desiree, Robyn & Sarah

Blue – AshLee, Lesley, Daniella & Catherine

This ought to be amazing to watch.  Winning team goes to the Lodge with Sean for some good times.  Losing team goes home in tears. 

Let the games begin!  Blue team busts out a canoeing lead until they can’t figure out how to steer and end up running aground.  How do you not know how to steer a canoe?  Red catches up when the blue team can’t figure out how to stack hay.  And now neither team can figure out how to saw a log.  Have these women never been outside of a mall?  So it comes down to the goat’s milk.  These poor goats are being accosted.  Des gulps down the milk first for the red team and gets the win.  

Off to the after-party at the lodge we go, but Sean feels badly for the blue team who is sitting at home.  He feels like he should not be missing out on time with the girls at this point in the journey.  He’s trying to find his wife, you know.  This is time to buckle down and get to know the ladies.  So Chris lets the girls from the blue team know that they will be joining the party.  Good thing they all live in make-up.  Of course, the blue team is thrilled.  The red team… not so much.  Now Des is mad she drank goat’s milk.  Robyn doesn’t think it’s fair.  And Sarah is upset her time with Sean is being cut short.  These girls are so bratty.  

Sarah gets the first one-on-one time, while the rest are left to stew in their bratty juices.  And back at the house, it seems now Tierra’s pissed too.  Are you serious right now?  Apparently, now she’s pissed that she is stuck going on the two-on-one… You know, the date that she was so stoked about a few hours ago.  She’s been patiently waiting for Sean, but she can’t sit around and wait any longer.  So off she goes to find him.   Yes, another crazy storming the streets of a random city searching for their “love”.  Bananas…. all of them.   

What's the lurking in the window behind you?  Oh no!  It's coming from inside the house!

What’s the lurking in the window behind you? Oh no! It’s coming from inside the house!

As Sean is recording his explanation of why he brought the girls back with the producers, we see Tierra lurking in the background.  Holy stalker, batman!  She sneaks up behind him and puts her hands over his eyes.  Needless to say, he’s shocked, but gives her one-on-one time.  Of course he does.  She wants to know why she’s getting a two-on-one.  It’s a huge slap in the face for her.  How is he still putting up with this?  Seriously?  We only get the edited whining.  Imagine what that whole conversation sounds like.  So, what does he do?  He makes out with her.  I would say he needs to read up on how to spot crazy, but this is the guy that chased Emily down an alley.  

Back at the party, Des gets a few minutes with Sean before AshLee shows up.  AshLee feels like she’s in a fairy tale.  She has a soul connection to him.  And she adores him.  He’s crazy about her too, natch.  Let’s kiss!  Then there’s Catherine who is someone he doesn’t have to worry about.  She is confident in what they have, so even though they haven’t gotten a lot of time, he feels a connection with her too.  I do like her, but he’s ridiculous.  Daniella goes to get Sean to work on her connection to him, but finds him with Catherine on his lap.  She leaves them instead of stealing him away because she finds this whole scene shocking.  And then there are tears.  What did she think they were going to be doing?  Playing chess?  Get in there and get your man.  I mean this is what you signed up for, right?

Sean comes to get Daniella, but she hasn’t quite recovered from the tears so she loses it with him.  She’s embarrassed but this is so hard for her.  {{{ eye roll }}}  He gives her positive reinforcement but I still think she’s getting sent home.  Oh wait, they’re making out.  Maybe not getting sent home.  Maybe she’s getting the rose.  And she is.  Yes, she showed Sean another side of herself so the date rose is hers.

Melissa:  I can’t believe he’s had all of his clothes on this entire episode.  OK, really with this “race” silliness?  Ladies… You’re above this ridiculousness… I mean maybe not all of you, but most of you.  Oh, this is sad… SO sad.  Is anyone else as embarrassed for these ladies as I am?  Not to mention these poor (wo)man-handled goats.  Bye-bye blue team.  I love the whole “I gotta bend the rules” declaration.  Poor Des having to drink that goat milk for nothing.  I mean introduce a few cultures and you’re talking some yummy goat cheese, but I can’t imagine that milk was tasty.  Oh, here we go with Tierra feeling misled and needs to find him to understand where his head is.  HA, I love how upset these ladies are getting.  Wait until Tierra shows up.  Here’s the thing… how the hell did she know where they were?  Aren’t there producers to keep them on a leash?  I hope one of these girls just goes full on Crazytown on her.  Though let’s just give it to Sean for being completely manipulated by this little vixen.  Where are the other ladies?  Hasn’t anyone noticed he’s missing?  Oh you dumb ass, she’s not having a hard time handling the situation.  She’s running a long con on you, and like a good mark, you’re falling for it.  Oh geez Daniella, really with the tears?  OK, so it got you a rose.  Now ladies, pay attention… The boy likes ladies who cry about not getting enough time with him.  Laps it up he does.

The Thunderdome Date.

Jackie should have taken this a foreshadowing.

Jackie should have taken this a foreshadowing.

Rachel:  At the house, Tierra & Jackie get their date card and a very deep poem from Chris:  “Two women, one rose.  One stays, one goes.”    Take you all night to write that up, Chris?

As they’re leaving for the date, Tierra tells us that she loves that Jackie has no idea that she got extra time with Sean. And then there’s the evil laugh.  That laugh is seriously scary.  I hope Sean is at home watching and being thankful he dodged this bullet, but I think he might be home watching and having a Ben-Courtney “uh-oh!” moment.

The girls are going horseback riding with Sean.  Poor Jackie can’t keep up and really looks like a third wheel.  Work it out sister.  Ask Sean for help.  Fake fall off the horse  Do something!

When Jackie finally gets her alone time with Sean, she spends it telling him how wonderful he is and how amazing her family is.  Wait, no.  That’s not it.  Oh right, she spends the time telling Sean that Tierra isn’t a good person.  Oh don’t sell out, Tierra!  That’s the kiss of death!  She doesn’t stop though.  She tells Sean that Tierra was flirting with other people at the airport and she’s not who she says she is.  Now you sound like you’re in high school.  Lady, don’t you know that no family talk means no rose?  But she does get some lip though, so who knows.  Oh right, we know.  Previews and all….

It’s time for dinner and Sean’s decision.  He really likes Tierra, but she comes with so much drama so he needs some more conversation with her.  She knows Jackie talked crap so she’s gonna play this convo to her benefit.  She tells Sean that she has the biggest heart but she’s scared.  Seems her ex was in and out rehab for 5 years.  He passed away in 2009 and it was the hardest time in her life.  She lost her best friend.  So much so that there are no tears coming from her eyes.  None.  Not even a mist.  Yeah, I’m calling so much bullshit right now.  Girl, you are racking up some seriously bad karma if this is as big of a lie as I think it is. And for the record, dear readers, we have asked Tierra’s high school classmate to check this out for us.  We’ll share the deets when we hear.

Back at the table, Sean says his relationship with Jackie has been slow to develop.  On the other hand, from the first night, there has been something special with Tierra.  She’s opened up and let him see why it hasn’t been easy since then.  Aaaaand… Tierra gets the rose.  No one is shocked…. except for Jackie.

On the walk to the waiting getaway car, Jacke has the perfect moment to rip Tierra a new one, but she leaves without a word.  Now you don’t have anything to say???  Wrong time to shut up.  You missed your moment.  But Tierra wins and gets the romantic date in front of a roaring fire with fireworks & Sean.  More maniacal laughter for those of us watching at home.  Every time I hear it, I grip my bottle of wine a little more tightly.

Melissa:   Aw silly Jackie, Sean is eating Tierra’s manipulative way up like I go at a wedge of triple creme.  Just make sure you don’t leave anything behind when you pack. Sorry, we all know this is the way it’s going.  Ugh, I really can’t even stand the looks of Tierra when she’s all proud of herself.  Oh Jackie, dear Jackie… You are just shooting yourself in the foot sharing your Tierra dirt.  These 2-on-1 dinners are so awkward.  You know what might help?  Food.  Just saying, let the folks eat a little something and they won’t be so angry.  So, here’s the thing… the love lost story of Tierra’s… how many people think she’s telling the truth or completely embellishing?  I’m going with she full on bedazzled that shit, and of course Sean wanting to be the protector, he eats it up completely.  

Cocktail Party

So that's the Tierra everyone has been talking about?  It's kinda cute though, no?

So that’s the Tierra everyone has been talking about? It’s kinda cute though, no?

Rachel:  Everyone is going into the rose ceremony with a bitter chip on their shoulder because Jackie got sent home.  It’s starting to settle in that Sean is buying into Tierra hook, line & sinker.  

Des gets the first alone time and I have to say I like this girl.  She’s smart and  cool… Well, she was.  She thinks Sean’s unpredictable and she doesn’t always understand his choices.  He asks if it’s Tierra that she’s referring to.  She doesn’t answer.  She dances around it and this is the one time to say something.  If you start it, finish it.  She should have just said to him, “Two words:  Courtney. Vienna.” and then rolled.  Her being evasive didn’t help.  

Back in the house, Des laments the loss of Jackie and says that she was the sweetest girl.  With that, Tierra storms out of the room.  The girls have had enough of her playing the victim.  They’re all tired of her and Robyn can’t help but confront her.  She’s done.  She tells Tierra that she thinks she’s fake.  Tierra says Robyn must be forgetting the apology she accepted last week.  Lesley says it’s just that she doesn’t talk to them the right way.  Tierra says it’s petty BS and just because she doesn’t handle it the way everyone else does, doesn’t make her a bad person.  Except that it does.  She doesn’t care what people say.  She’s had enough and it’s childish.  Robyn’s insecure, not her.  She’s over it and she can go get engaged on her own.  This is repetitive drams and she will bite if she’s forced to.  She’s a Scorpio after all.  This last bit happens right as Sean walks through the room.  Could this be the moment he finally wakes up from his zombie-like state?

Nope.  She plays him like a fiddle.  He pulls her aside and she says the girls are attacking her.  They all are.  She’s not drama but she can only handle so much.  It kills him to hear this.  She’s such a nice girl and no one gives her credit.  Sean thinks her behavior might be because she’s been isolated in the house.  Do you really actually think that’s it?  Really?  Any girl that can’t form one decent relationship with a house full of women has issues.  Plain & simple.  He doesn’t want to be naive, but he feels sorry for her.  Dude… I mean… dude.    

But now he’s starting to worry that he’s being played so he’s asking Lesley what the deal is with Tierra.  He doesn’t want to be a fool.  Yeah, I think the train has left the station on that one.  He asks if Tierra has done anything to affect him directly.  Lesley says she’s cold around them.  She has no relationships in the house.  He’s frustrated because this isn’t direct evidence of Tierra being a bad person.  READ BETWEEN THE LINES!!!  Every girl knows that you send home the rats so no one is going to spill the goods, but they’re giving you enough cheese that you should be able to find the trap, you genius.  And by the by, it’s not fair to put this on Lesley. And with that, it’s time for him to ponder the roses. 

I wish just one time a bachelor would walk into the cocktail party and ask the entire group who the bitch in the room is.  Just out them and be done with it.

Sean is distraught so he has a little therapy session with Chris before sending someone home tonight.  Please, you are so sending Robyn home so spare us the drama.  He is worried that  Tierra has a target on her back because she got the first rose, but he has to listen to the girls when they warn him.  However, the other women don’t give him concrete answers.  He’d like to just get to back to spending time with Tierra, but he doesn’t want to be naive and he doesn’t want to be played.  Except that you’re being naive and getting played.  Remember how you sent Kacie packing for being drama?  Channel that guy, please.  But he’s going to keep buying into Tierra’s crap and being the walking poster child for dumb blonde jokes.

Melissa:   Here’s a question for Des, if you know he gives roses to the girls who are having a difficult time do you really want a man who is so easily swayed?  Plus, Sean you bag of rocks… Why the hell do you think the ladies don’t want to tell you they think you’re a schmuck for giving Tierra a rose?  Oh and Tierra honey, the ladies exchange glances when you walk in the room because they are all secretly challenging each other to take you down, or at the very least super glue your sheets to you while you sleep.  So go on and find one of those many guys in the world who want to marry you and leave us alone to watch The Bachelor in peace.  And listen here, bag of rocks, if more than 1 person tells you Tierra is a red flag, you should LISTEN!!  So what if they don’t want to give you specifics.  It’s not just one persona with a chip, it’s many women telling you to watch out.  Pay attention and realize maybe there are TOO many stories to isolate just one person.

Rose Ceremony

Well ladies, you royally screwed up tonight and now Sean's pissed.  But on a lighter note, I'm still single.

Well ladies, you royally screwed up tonight and now Sean’s pissed. But on a lighter note, I’m still single.

Time for the Rose Ceremony…

Have roses:  Lindsay, Tierra (ack) and Daniella

Got Roses:  Selma, Catherine, Lesley, AshLee, Sarah, Desiree

Booted:  Jackie & Robyn

Yep.  Saw that one coming a mile away.  I hope she blows Tierra up on her way out.  This is your time, Robyn.  But nope.  Nada.  Not a word.  Are you kidding me???

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Aw, poor Sean is so confused.  How is it confusing when the girl that causes you the most drama, whines the most, complains the most and is the object of anger for all the girls in the house is the same person?  Drop her like a bad habit already!

Melissa:  Yeah, of course Robyn gets the shaft… She’s the only one I think would have given us an awesome beat down of Tierra.  I’m just going to start calling him “bag of rocks”.  Didn’t he learn anything from Kaylon?  I mean really, if you have people saying not good things about someone, you need to draw from experience and think they might know what they’re talking about.  Plus, still just once I want some woman to just say if you’re keeping her, I’m out…


2 responses to “The Bachelor Season 17, Week 5.1 – Love Is A Battlefield

  1. I know Tierra from school. And her bf of a very long time did die not to long ago from accidental over dose.He was a classmate of mine as well.

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