One Sentence Summary: All sorts of asses come out tonight!
Rachel: Never in my life did I think I’d be debating over whether I’d rather have a donkey booty or a stallion booty. All I know is that I want whichever one is closest to Sofia Vergara’s booty. Can we work on that? But I suppose the real answer is that my loyalty is still with Phaedra. Even though I’m mad we’ve gotten exactly zero time at the funeral home this season, she’s still my girl. And even if she weren’t, I don’t think there’s any part of me that could side with Kenya on anything. I gave her a nod of support over what it takes to do production and that’s as generous as I’m going to be. So, I’m Team Donkey… until otherwise notified.
Melissa: Oh boy, I owe some big apologies this week. I’m the anchor on this write up. I’m sure you don’t want to hear of my diorama drama or juggling single parent style the past 2 weeks. I know, I know, save it and bring on the snark! Here we go without further ado… the never-ending Booty battle with Phaedra and Kenya.
Booty Battle Rages On
Melissa’s What Happened: Kenya tells her trainer Kevin about her video and of course he sides with her that no one wants to look like a donkey, they want inspiration… you know to look like a beauty queen, and it’s her responsibility to America to give them what they want. Hey Kenya, I want you to give up the nonsense at this point, care to give me what I want?
Meanwhile, Phaedra takes her turn to get ready for her video photo shoot in a oh-so-wrong lime green unitard something or other that looks like it should have belonged on a Solid Gold Workout video.
So Kenya is at least working out at the gym versus just a photo shoot. Personally I’d like to see her sink a little further in those squats, but I’ll let it go. Of course on Phaedra’s shoot Apollo needs to take his shirt off as they slip into some soft-core video cover looks. I wonder is this is the same photographer that took all those half naked we love ourselves portraits of Kim and Kroy?
Rachel: That ass on Kenya can’t be real. I’m calling implants right now. That just seems impossible. And she might want to get those roots touched up. Ooh, and Phaedra I’m saying no to the lime green unitard. That was never a good idea… and never will be. You know, if I’m being honest, I’d rather look at Apollo than either of these girls.
Bring on the Pageants!
Melissa’s What Happened: Cynthia and Rodney (Bailey Agency Director) meet with Cy the pageant planner because naturally Cynthia is going to break into pageant work too. Oh LAWD, let’s call up Leslie from BRT for some guidance. Cy thinks the focus should be on the young teens and Cynthia would make a wonderful first year emcee… Yeah, because she rocked that the last time she attempted covering a fashion show. Wait, you can have a $1200 entry fee to a pageant? DAYUM, I’m clearly in the wrong business!!
Rachel: I had no idea there was this much money in pageants… which makes me wonder why all the sets on Toddlers & Tiaras look so cheap. Not that I watch that show… a lot. Maybe the Two Winey Bitches should start their own pageant; The Winiest Bitch of America Pageant. The talent portion would be who can hold their booze the best. Sounds like a good time to me.
Melissa’s What Happened: Wait, is this a sit down with Kenya and Porsha? Is Kenya trying to rally troops for her battle against Phaedra? You got off on a bad start Kenya? Come on, spilling your coffee on your way to work is a bad start, hurling insults on vacation is something else. Nevertheless, she’s going to give it a go to hear what Kenya has to say. Kenya tries to explain to Porsha that Phaedra’s friendship is because of the fallout with the two of them and that Porsha is a pawn in Phaedra’s game. When Porsha seems like she’s not picking up what Kenya’s putting down, the insults start to fly and Kenya insists she needs to have a woman sitting across from her to have a woman to woman conversation. Way to try to bring her to your side Kenya. Nice Porsha calling her ashy feet. Next time try the I’m rubber you’re glue approach because talking to her is like talking to my 7 year old. No, wait he actually has a grasp on reality, never-mind.
Rachel: Wait, why are these two having lunch? And what is happening on Porsha’s eyelids? There’s a lot of bad color happening tonight. Wait, Kenya wants to tell Porsha her side of the story about the work-out videos? Why does Porsha care? Ooooh, I see. Kenya is now trying to win people over to her side. Well, this is a really terrible way to go about it… not that she should be going about it at all. I thought we stopped doing this shit back in the 5th grade. And did she really think Porsha would just scoot right over to being friends with her after the drama in Anguilla? What grown ass woman would do that? Kenya is a lunatic. Yeah, I don’t blame Porsha for walking out. Granted, I don’t know why she ever walked in in the first place.
Melissa’s What Happened: NeNe and Gregg head off to shop for the LA house. Gregg wants to have a pig at the house, but NeNe puts the stop on it quickly. While Gregg tries not to destroy half the store, NeNe determines she might need Mike the owner of Interior Illusions to set up the whole house. He thinks he can work with what ever she wants to work with and get the house done. Yeah, boyfriend is all sorts of cha-ching and free publicity drooling over NeNe. Who can blame him.
Rachel: This is my dream… to just walk into a store and go I’ll have this and this and this. Thank you! I do like NeNe and Gregg back together. I am not as big of a fan of his bad jokes though. However, the pizza one was kinda funny.
Empty Pageant Promises
Melissa’s What Happened: So, at the Convention center Cynthia enlists Porsha to help with the pageant. Damn, the space they are looking at is gi-normous. At least Cy thinks it too big a space for the pageant with no contestants yet. Hmmm… How does one have a Miss Renaissance pageant with no contestants? Better yet, how does one decide “oh, I’m going to throw a pageant in the next month”? Porsha tries to claim the proceeds from the event going to her charity but with bull whip quickness Cynthia correct her with a PORTION of the proceeds going to charity. Yeah, because if she only gets 3 contestants it’s going to be hard to pay the bills. That’s also why you’re working for free my dear. Porsha would like some clarification for her role but the doer of all doesn’t seem to sit well. Seeing a mutiny but still wanting his check, quick thinking Cy shows off the crown and sashes and the ladies are immediately distracted by the sparkly things. Yep, sometimes it’s actually that easy. At the suggestion of having entertainment for the attendees, Porsha offers to sing for the event. My take is she hopes it will mean having a bit taken off her plate with the planning work.
Rachel: Wait, so Porsha’s family’s charity is going to be the non-profit for the pageant so that means Porsha has to be Cynthia’s assistant? How does that work? Then again, being that there are no contestants, I guess there won’t be too much to do. Oh but Cynthia has come up with a name. Well, that’s a full week’s work right there. I’m thinking maybe Cynthia and Porsha should put together a contract. Just a thought considering Porsha thought her charity was getting all the proceeds. Wait, did Porsha just say she’s going to sing at the pageant? Oh let her sing! That will be brilliant! Maybe you can have Kim come back and sing too.
Melissa’s What Happened: Oh, it’s Moroccan time for dinner with the ladies and of course Porsha and Cynthia are trying to rock their headbands in a place they might not look so out of place… but sadly missing the mark as they still look as ridiculous as grown women grocery shopping in their PJs. Apologies if any of you do that but really, put on a damn pair of jeans the only people who should be shopping in their PJs are 3 and under. I digress, the ladies gather around and talk of the booty video begins. Phaedra goes on to say she knows everyone to get anything done as Cynthia rolls her eyes. Kandi warns Phaedra to get her video out before Kenya beats her to the punch and Cynthia doesn’t approve of all the talk about Kenya when she isn’t there to defend herself. BTW, I’m loving that spread at dinner!! Porsha tells the ladies she had lunch with Kenya and that Kenya wanted to talk smack about Phaedra and how it escalated to calling her ashy feet. I love that Cynthia tells her she should have taken the high road. Here I thought that was more polite than calling out her patchwork ombre hair. I hear you Kandi, I don’t get why Porsha would have agreed to lunch in the first place. Conversation comes around to Cynthia’s pageant and Porsha’s offer to sing as her voice is a cross between Mary J. Blige and Beyoncé with a little Rihanna mixed in… Um, come again Porsha? When called out by Kandi (as she should be) she pretends she has a little bit of a cold. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to sing in front of Kandi either. You’re lucky that music started to drown you out.
Rachel: Oh I could so eat me some Middle Eastern food right now. Wait, Cynthia, who are you to be telling anyone not to be talking smack about Kenya? You talked more smack about Kenya from the start than anyone. And remember when I asked what grown ass woman would flip-flop loyalties that quickly? Exhibit A in front of us right now. Did Porsha just say conglobberation? And there’s no part of her that sounds like Beyonce, Mary J and Rhianna all mixed into one. I’m calling full shenanigans, but I guess we’re gonna have to wait to hear. Saved by the Bell-y Dancer.
Melissa’s What Happened: NeNe trying to get to her acting lesson with Lee is stopped dead with an about face run by the dogs barking at her. She thinks her for the help becoming Coach Roz and now she needs her help with Rocky for the New Normal. NeNe declares she’s super black, but feels she needs to channel her inner (way deep) white woman, and with Lee’s help hopes to get an Emmy for her efforts.
Rachel: Bwahahaha! OMG, NeNe’s reaction to the dog was hilarious. I really like NeNe, the actress. She is fun. And happy. Amazing how one’s attitude changes when one is actually happy.
Swinging For Gossip
Melissa’s What Happened: Oh sweet Lord Kenya might have a worse swing than mine! Cynthia who clearly is channeling her inner WASP (what’s with the sweaters on the shoulders??) asks Kenya why she was a no-show the previous night with the girls. Apparently with all the drama Kenya decided to stay home… slathering her feet in Vaseline in hopes of not getting called ashy again. Cynthia dishes on what Phaedra said about Kenya down to the chemical imbalance. Kenya isn’t going to take this lying down because she doesn’t even take it that way from her men… Um what?? She’s not going to let Phaedra slander her name without consequences.
Rachel: Look at Cynthia going running right to Kenya to rat out Phaedra. Wait, but Phaedra’s not there to defend herself, right Cynthia? Ooh woman, you are just so two-faced. Tacky tacky. Aren’t you the one talking class in the opening segment? And for the record, Kenya is actually chemically unbalanced. Well, at least I hope so because if she just chooses to act this way, we have problems.
Miss L Chimes In
Melissa’s What Happened: Oh it’s Miss Lawrence. I guess I can stomach a scene with Kenya to get me some Miss L. Kenya can’t wait to share Pheadra’s comments about her being an alcoholic or needing drugs. Yes dear, we all think you might benefit from a better living though chemicals approach. Miss L says one should never share personal information with Phaedra as she’s not going to reciprocate. He also doesn’t think she’s up to par with what she should look like. Kenya because she’s a role model is going to nip all this talk in the bud.
Rachel: Oh Miss Lawrence, the lipstick! What is going on with the make-up tonight? Oh so now we have to go cry to Miss Lawrence. These bitches all talk so much smack about each other that I find it hilarious when one of them gets upset that it’s happening to them. Meanwhile, you did steal her idea, Kenya. What did you think was going to happen? Oh so now we’re calling Phaedra manly? Isn’t this just as defamatory? And there’s no part of Kenya that’s a role model. I find it laughable that she keeps claiming she is.
Melissa’s What Happened: So NeNe is back in ATL at her shoe launch for shordazzle and she’s donating the proceeds to domestic violence charity. How did I not know about this shoe? Oh NeNe… I’ve missed you so!! I really need to youtube The New Normal to see what it’s all about. Finally we get a peek of Derek J too. I loves me some Derek J. So as the ladies arrive to support NeNe’s new shoe launch and charity we get a shot of Kenya on her way ready to put on a display for everyone… big old hat and all. Oh no she did NOT just roll up into the shoe launch in Phaedra’s bikini and fishnet beach coverup combo with booty pasties on her ass!! Man, someone needs to put a bra on as well. I’m with you Porsha, I’m going to need some more wine too if I’m going to make it through the remaining minutes of this episode! I’m sorry if I were NeNe I’d walk her crazy booty pasties ass right outside to the curb looking like a stringy cat toy and what not. I just can’t get past that cleavage of hers, come on on girl, get yourself some inserts or something because you need to hoist those girls up a bit. Kenya at NeNe’s encouraging decides to confront Phaedra about all she’s said and Phaedra agrees that she did call her a crazy nut and bipolar. She claims she’s been a true friend to Phaedra and never attacked her… but she’ll take her idea for a workout video because Pheadra doesn’t have the body for it. Oh snap, that’s cold.
Rachel: Look at NeNe with her own shoe for charity. Now wait, I’m a ShoeDazzle member. How did I not get this information in an email? Sweet Fancy Moses, what is Kenya wearing??? She did not try and wear that out in public at a party for charity. I’m sorry, but that is the epitome of crazy. And unbalanced. Phaedra, you are right – something in the buttermilk ain’t clean. Ha! I just hope this behavior isn’t the new normal because we’re all in trouble if it is. I love that Phaedra didn’t back down to Kenya’s attack. Wait, who’s talking about stabbing people in the neck? And thank you, Kandi. Someone finally calls Kenya out. Happy with yourself now, Cynthia?
Rachel: I still say Marlo was a better crazy than Kenya.
Melissa: I’m going to have nightmares about that get-up of Kenya’s… more so because I’m terrified I’ll see a “who wore it best” photo with her and Phaedra. I’m also going with Phaedra if only for not having the wet tube socks filled with sand cleavage.