Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 3, Week 11: Stars & Strips

One Sentence Summary:  It’s Vegas time for the Brandi Posse and the only action the Palms will see is on a drive-by.

How do I keep finding myself in these situations?

How do I keep finding myself in these situations?

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  This is the week we go to Vegas and learn how to get our sexy back via the wisdom of one Brandi Glanville.  We can say a lot of things about our girl Brandi but she sure can bring some sexy to a room… provided she keeps her mouth shut.  It’ll be interesting to see if she & her companions in Sin City can manage to make it to the stripper poles before there’s an incident.  I don’t say “if” there’s an incident because I think we can all pretty much guarantee that there will be.  Get your ta-ta tassels ready, ladies!  We’re about to get our sexy on!

The Herb

Do you have an herbal supplement for those puppies?

Do you have an herbal supplement for those puppies?

Oh hey, Yolanda is in her kitchen.  That almost never happens!  She’s hosting a lunch today where she’ll be serving all-natural healthy food, of course.  She believes that what you eat determines how you age.  Plastic surgery isn’t necessary if you just take care of yourself.  Seriously, if that woman has never had plastic surgery, I’m going to start paying more attention to her.  And speaking of no plastic surgery, Suzanne Somers has just arrived at the house.  Can you call that place a house?  Manse?  I still don’t know if I buy Suzanne’s no-surgery story, but again, willing to listen.  I’m not thrilled about the jowls I’m developing lately.  So bring on the no-suck-tuck-or-pluck secrets!  Oh, we had to wait for Lisa & Kyle to arrive.  I do love that the two European women in the room have never heard of Chrissy Snow or Three’s Company.  Ladies, I highly suggest losing an afternoon to the Regal Beagle and Jack Tripper.  Yolanda, you can drink all the carrot juice you like while you watch.

Suzanne tells the girls that she plans to live to be 110 and she plans to do it by eating healthy & taking upwards of 40 supplements a day.  Lisa thinks she can’t be bothered to take that many pills and is pretty sure all is working just the way it should be… including in the bedroom.   That is a lot of pills.  And I’m still not convinced there hasn’t been a little work on Miss Somers.

Come To Debbie Country

How is it that I can do this with my body and still be single?

How is it that I can do this with my body and still be single?

Brandi is looking for a few tricks of the trade before she hosts her “Night School For Girls” event in Vegas.  You know, a few practice spins around the pole.  She says Eddie had a stripper pole installed in their bedroom as a way to save the marriage.  She thinks it was stupid.  We agree.  So she heads off to S Factor for a private class.  Wait, is the teacher/owner of S Factor Debbie Hunt from the movie Singles?  OMG, I think it is.  Hold please while I IMDB this… IT IS!!!  Well, I wondered what happened to her.  Not really, but I probably would have wondered the next time Singles was on cable.  Still one of my faves with one of the best lines ever; “I was nowhere near your neighborhood.”  Amazing sound track too.  Ah, memories…

Sorry sorry… Clearly I drifted off into my flanneled grungy past.  But I’m back to watch Debbie Hunt twirl around a stripper pole.  That makes my head hurt a little bit.  OK, she is taking this to a very serious level.  Apparently, when we give our bodies over to the pole, there’s nothing more beautiful.  Are we still talking about stripper poles?  But Debbie can work her way around that metal post.  Damn, girl.  I might have to check this out next time I’m in LA.  And need I tell you that Brandi held her own as well?  Bitch.

Graduation Day

Oh right, you're the reason we're all here.

Oh right, you’re the reason we’re all here.

It’s Kyle’s daughter Sophia’s 6th grade graduation so there’s a party at their house to celebrate.  Faye and Adrienne are invited to join.  Brandi & Lisa, not so much.  Right, because she has Adrienne’s back.  At least until tomorrow when she goes to Vegas with Brandi & Lisa.  Immediately upon entering, Paul & Adrienne are bickering.  How did we not see this split coming a mile away?  Neither of Kyle’s sisters managed to make it to the party.  Are we surprised Kim didn’t show?  I mean she has been better this season about making it to events, but none of them have been Kyle’s.  The streak continues.  Oh joy, we get to revisit Faye “on fire” at Kyle’s last dinner party.  And listen to Kyle defending that behavior!  So not cool.  No Paul, Faye didn’t do what was right.  Such shit talkers.   But thankfully, Adrienne & Paul leave early so maybe someone can actually enjoy Sophia’s day… like Sophia.

Finally, Kyle acknowledges her daughter and her achievement.  It’s an emotional moment for Kyle because her parents aren’t there to enjoy these moments with their grandchildren.  I’m impressed that there’s no giant gauche gift attached to this event.  Kudos.

The Nose Knows

My kids are so cute.  I think I'll get a nose job.

My kids are so cute. I think I’ll get a nose job.

Kim is at home organizing the framed pictures of her kids so she can hang them in her hallway.  Actually, her “houseman” will be hanging them.  Wait, there is such a thing as a houseman?  Can you order one up that looks a lot like Christian Bale and give massages?

Somehow all this reminiscing and self-reflection she’s been doing since getting clean and sober has inspired her to start a charity… Oh wait, no.  It’s inspired her to get a nose job.  Yes, that is right.  Her giant epiphany is that she needs to get her nose done.  Granted, it was after the doctor told her she couldn’t get her eyes done.  So, she settled on the nose.  What the hell is wrong with her nose?  She’s seriously marching to the beat of her own drum.  And I’m not going to blame it on anything other than natural craziness… though we all know I have my suspicions.  But that’s all they are – suspicions – so we’ll leave it at that.  Maybe I should start using the word “alleged” in more of my sentences.  You know, because that’s the magic bullet against lawsuits… Well that and calling people up.  Right, Mauricio?

Packing Party

I don't know what you mean by "hair helmet".

I don’t know what you mean by “hair helmet”.

Brandi’s friend Adrienne – the other Adrienne – comes over to help her pack for Vegas.  Seems her longtime taste for hoochie clothing is going to come in handy this trip.  Personally, I don’t see how those silver pants were ever a good idea.  Even on her legs.

Marisa is also packing for Vegas, but with her mom.  Don’t people know how to pack on their own?  Granted, I would probably benefit from a buddy system when it comes to packing since I insist on taking everything I own every time I get on a plane.  Marisa’s mother is using the opportunity to rid her daughter’s closet of items she finds to be “hideous”.  Marisa doesn’t pay much mind to fashion advice from a woman who hasn’t changed her hair in 30 years.  Mom, thinks she’s still rocking it.  Yeah, sorry Mom.  That style went out the day That Girl was canceled.  And I’m thinking the hairstyle’s been around a lot longer than 30 years.  Mom also wants an invite to Vegas.  Marisa has no interest in including mom in her girls’ weekend.  I have a feeling mom might show up anyway.

Lisa’s packing buddy is Ken.  He prefers Lisa leaves all the sexy clothing at home for him.  He also doesn’t understand how twirling around a pole is empowering.  Me either but it still looks like fun.

Vegas, Baby

You!  I'm gonna say something inappropriate to you tonight.

Yeah, that’s right, bitch.  You’re in the crosshairs tonight.

The ladies land in Vegas and Marisa actually made it without her mom.

Time for the first girls’ dinner and we’re all on pins & needles waiting to see how long before Brandi says something controversial.  Well, that didn’t take long.  She tells Marisa that she thinks her husband is more in love with her than she is with him.  Thankfully, Marisa doesn’t bristle as easily as some of these other ladies and says that she knows they have a banter that can be read wrong, but she very much loves her husband.  That’s nice because I have to say I was in agreement with Brandi on this one.  So maybe she’ll stop ripping him in public then?

Brandi says that she loves love but the girls only see the tough side of her.  She has to be tough all the time for her kids.  Kyle & Lisa tell her that she doesn’t.  She should trust them & show her softer side and maybe she’ll see theirs too.  Wow Kyle, that was actually good advice.  Brandi is just trying to get past the animosity that she has towards Eddie… and not doing a great job of it if you read Us Magazine.  The girls say that she has to let go or she’ll keep making herself sick.  I agree.  Time to move on, kiddo.  He clearly has.

The talk moves on to sex and Kyle identifying with Brandi’s pain by imagining what it would feel like if Mauricio left her.  Well, this is refreshing.  This is what girls’ nights out are for!  Please no one ruin it.  And by no one, I mean Brandi.  I do wish the conversation hadn’t careened into Leann Rimes and ripping her, but let’s be honest, if that was our friend at the table, we’d be doing the same damn thing.  And the fact that Leann used the same wedding dress designer as Brandi is creepy.  I have to agree with that.

The rest of the night is a good time full of oysters and vagina talk.  Kudos ladies to making it through a dinner without screaming or crying.  Well, Brandi did get a bit misty over Eddie but that doesn’t count when it comes to these ladies.

Rainbows & Unicorns

No really, I sang with bluebirds that landed on my shoulder today.

No really, I sang with bluebirds that landed on my shoulder today.

Back in the kitchen with Yolanda.  I’m thinking she needs a cooking show more than she needs to be a Housewife.  Today, she’s making dinner for her husband David, who is her true love.  She tells us that men love beautiful women and beautiful women love rich men.  There’s temptation everywhere but if you found your true love, life should be easy.  Deep thoughts with Yolanda Foster.  But as much as I make fun of her, she seems to have a pretty fantastic life that I wouldn’t mind having.  I know everyone has their own cross to bear, but if I had to trade, I’m just saying this life would be in the Top 3.  And this might get me some nasty letters from some feminists out there, but I have to agree that men are simple creatures and women should want to take care of their men.  I like taking care of a man… at least I think I remember liking it.  But I also like to be taken care of in return.  Two way street, people.  But they’re a good couple.  I like.

Just A Little Off The Top

So you'll write me a prescription for pain meds, right?  Allegedly.

So you’ll write me a prescription for pain meds, right? (Allegedly.)

Time for Kim to meet with her doctor and talk about her new nose.  She likes her face but thinks she needs a new look to go with her new her.  I’m thinking a hair cut or color would maybe be a less radical first step.  But Dr. Gregorian specializes in noses so he’ll do a great job.  And this way, she won’t have to be mad at Paul if it doesn’t work out so well.  Or she wakes up one day and wonders how that nose got on her face.  Allegedly.

Juicy

I'm only here because I'm contractually obligated.

I’m only here because I’m contractually obligated.

Do I really have to be tortured with Brandi in a bathing suit again?  It’s really not fair to us less genetically blessed girls that really love their chocolate and wine.  The girls are having some poolside breakfast & cocktails when Yolanda shows up.  Of course as they mow down some eggs and bacon, Yolanda sips on a glass of spinach & carrot juice.  You know, after 45, you can’t stay in shape by eating bacon she tells us.  That’s a shame, because if you could, I’d be the fittest woman on the planet… when I reached that age… a long long time from now, of course.

The girls heads out for a sample of a “Girls Night School” class. Brandi gets up to give her spiel and let’s say it needs some work.  But she does eventually get it together.  And she gets it together with those insane legs on that insane body.  Yes, I am jealous 100%.  I could never eat another morsel of food and I wouldn’t have those legs.  So I shall just sit her with my wine and covet.  Covet all day long.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Whoa, is that signs of the old Camille coming back next week?  What’s up with that?

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